emely Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Ok..so I cheated on the love of my life..I'm soooo ashamed and it's killing me. I know if I tell my BF he will leave me(obviously justified), but I really don't want to loose him. I am so stupid, I don't even know why I did it!!It meant nothing, and I'm willing to sepnd my life making it up to him..What should i do?
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Ok..so I cheated on the love of my life..I'm soooo ashamed and it's killing me. I know if I tell my BF he will leave me(obviously justified), but I really don't want to loose him. I am so stupid, I don't even know why I did it!!It meant nothing, and I'm willing to sepnd my life making it up to him..What should i do? First thing you need to do is be honest with him about it, and face those consequences. Hiding it really isn't an acceptable way to handle this. It simply isn't possible to make it up to him if you can't be honest about it. You are not alone in doing this... it happens all the time. What truly separates the good people from the bad is how they handle it.
gaius Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Don't tell your boyfriend anything. Get rid of the guy you cheated with, never speak to him again. Find some new way to appreciate your boyfriend, like cooking his favorite meal once a week. Lastly, if you ever feel tempted again to cheat in the future just remember the feeling you have now.
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Can you tell us why you did it? I know you said "I don't even know why I did it!" but..there was a reason. Did you want to feel wanted? validated? what? There was a reason - what was it? Once you find out why you did it you can figure a few more things out and explain that to the BF as well. It might help you out
alexlakeman Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 We don't need to know why you did or whatever.. Just DON'T tell the BF and don't go telling your friends either.. No one... get rid of the other guy, don't keep him as "friend".. you'll end up doing it again, and come back and blame it on alcohol or something, lol... Don't tell him.. Obviously I am a guy, and would WANT my gf to tell me, but we all know what will happen if you tell him.. Either he dumps you, or goes on a cheating rampage... Don't "pay for the consequences", don't tell him
Fondue Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Just tell him and let him decide what to do with you. Neglecting to do so will only add poison to (what I imagine) is already a failed relationship. Let him dump you and you both can go on with your lives. Hiding it from him is cowardly.
Bito Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Stop being selfish and tell him what you did. He deserves someone who is honest and wont sleep around behind his back. I know you feel bad but hiding it will either wrench you with guilt or turn you into a terrible person. You have to tell him, and if your relationship is strong he may even forgive you. Yes it will crush him but the truth is always better then liveing a lie...
welikeincrowds Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I believe that telling him is typically a selfish act. It's a utilitarian approach. If you tell him, you will cause more harm to him -- that much is certain. You may cause incidental harm to yourself, but immediately, you will be relieving your conscious at his expense. Besides, whether or not you tell him is not the most important concern. The most important concern is whether or not you are making any decision -- telling him, staying with him, "loving" him -- purely out of guilt, rather than because it is an earnest desire of yours. If you do not want to be in this relationship, you must leave him -- even if it will be a difficult conversation, even if it means losing some great things, even if it means some aspects of your life will be more difficult or uncertain. This is the true tough decision and it is yours to make. Telling him you cheated has the effect of forcing him to make the tough decision, when in fact, you are the one with the conflict, and thus the one who is responsible for its consequences.
Jono85 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 if u have any morals, pride, or integrity at all (which i doubt you do considering you cheated) you will tell him. u decide what kind of person you are from this day forward. everyone makes mistakes. not telling him will be living a lie your whole life.
Nexus One Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 In my opinion he has the right to know. If you don't tell him you'll even take away his right to make decisions based on the truth. The chance is small that he'll give you a second chance. The fact that you risked the relationship by cheating could have him thinking that you don't value him and the relationship as the most important thing in your lives, because if you did value it as such, then you would not have risked it. It's up to you how you react to his conclusion(s). If you're genuine and lucky he might take your words into consideration and perhaps give you a second chance.
FrostFire Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Cheated because the other guy turned you on more? Pretty sure that's a safe one to say. Some cheating is caused by some form of sexual incompatibility. There's something he's not doing enough for you that this other guy can do. Or perhaps you just like the thrill of first time sex with a new person. Whatever it may be you need to be honest with your boyfriend about this. If you cheat then you cheat... Oh well... now get ready for the consequences of your actions and maybe the next guy you won't cheat on. Or perhaps you'll just like it so much you won't think about relationships at all. Nothing wrong with liking sex but don't be dishonest by hiding it from him.
ThsAmericanLife Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 (edited) DON'T TELL HIM!. Men aren't forgiving that way. If you didn't use a condom, make sure you get tested though. ASAP. He does deserve to know that if you did catch something. You're on your own then... I'm going to suggest something noone else here has though.. Break up with the "so-called" love of your life. He obviously isn't the love of your life if you feel the need to cheat on him. As for telling him and taking the consequences? Bullsh*t. You have better things to do with your life than deal with his anger.. then have him dump you anyway. Check out the statistics on how many men stay with their cheating wives/girlfriends if you think I'm kidding. If you actually do think you love him, then I'd STILL suggest you break up with him and take some time to go figure out why you feel the need to shoot yourself in the foot that way. But you certainly don't deserve to be anyone's punching bag. Tell him you need some time to yourself to figure out your life. Cause you do. ... and I agree with one of the earlier posters... confessing is a way to ease your guilt... and force him to make the tough decision. I also agree that you are the one in conflict and having issues. Don't unload your issues onto him and expect him to fix it and make it all ok. Edited June 28, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife
Jono85 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 i'm shocked at how many ppl are advocating witholding this from her BF. so many cowards in this world it's truly pathetic.
coffeeaddict Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 We're actually debating whether people have a right to know if their partner cheated on them? Yeesh, things are getting worse than I thought.
vsmini Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I'm 28 and for what it's worth - I've never seen or known anyone to cheat and get away with it, as in, manage to keep it a secret. Everyone has either: A. admitted it eventually from the guilt. B. other party found out from a mutual friend, email trail, text, etc. C. other party found out after the break up. Everyone spills the beans or gets caught eventually. You really think you're the exception? I know you're debating this right now - best to tell him.
lino Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 i'm shocked at how many ppl are advocating witholding this from her BF. so many cowards in this world it's truly pathetic. I agree. Just chicken sh*ts covering their ass. Nothing more.
RepairMinded Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Ok..so I cheated on the love of my life..I'm soooo ashamed and it's killing me. I know if I tell my BF he will leave me(obviously justified), but I really don't want to loose him. I am so stupid, I don't even know why I did it!!It meant nothing, and I'm willing to sepnd my life making it up to him..What should i do? Don't tell him that you cheated, he will just get angry and dump you. As payback, you should provide your bf with the wildest kinky sex imaginable, including suggesting a threesome with another girl, and make it your job to procure the girl, who should be super-hot (hotter than yourself). From now on you have to be your bf's sex slave, do it all for him. That is your penance. I has spoken.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I believe that telling him is typically a selfish act. It's a utilitarian approach. If you tell him, you will cause more harm to him -- that much is certain. You may cause incidental harm to yourself, but immediately, you will be relieving your conscious at his expense. Besides, whether or not you tell him is not the most important concern. The most important concern is whether or not you are making any decision -- telling him, staying with him, "loving" him -- purely out of guilt, rather than because it is an earnest desire of yours. If you do not want to be in this relationship, you must leave him -- even if it will be a difficult conversation, even if it means losing some great things, even if it means some aspects of your life will be more difficult or uncertain. This is the true tough decision and it is yours to make. Telling him you cheated has the effect of forcing him to make the tough decision, when in fact, you are the one with the conflict, and thus the one who is responsible for its consequences. You assume that she want's to break up with him. In her post she seems very interested in keeping the relationship, therefore your advice is horrible. Yes, if she plans to end the relationship... telling him is selfish. However, what do you advocate if she decides to stay in the relationship... or sit on the fence about it for years? If she decides to stay with him... then she has to tell him. Otherwise this will just fester and rot, never healing, and besides... he deserves to have a choice. DON'T TELL HIM!. Men aren't forgiving that way. If you didn't use a condom, make sure you get tested though. ASAP. He does deserve to know that if you did catch something. You're on your own then... I'm going to suggest something noone else here has though.. Break up with the "so-called" love of your life. He obviously isn't the love of your life if you feel the need to cheat on him. As for telling him and taking the consequences? Bullsh*t. You have better things to do with your life than deal with his anger.. then have him dump you anyway. Check out the statistics on how many men stay with their cheating wives/girlfriends if you think I'm kidding. If you actually do think you love him, then I'd STILL suggest you break up with him and take some time to go figure out why you feel the need to shoot yourself in the foot that way. But you certainly don't deserve to be anyone's punching bag. Tell him you need some time to yourself to figure out your life. Cause you do. ... and I agree with one of the earlier posters... confessing is a way to ease your guilt... and force him to make the tough decision. I also agree that you are the one in conflict and having issues. Don't unload your issues onto him and expect him to fix it and make it all ok. Again... what if she decides to stay? Do you continue to hide this?
HappyPanda Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Emely, What was the situation? Does your bf know this person? Did you merely kiss them for a second, realize what you were risking, and immediately stop? Or did you have sex with them? If its the later, or somewhere in the middle, your boyfriend (at current) absolutely has the right to know... If its the prior, I feel as though you should consider it a lesson learned and NEVER. EVER. do it again.
welikeincrowds Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 (edited) However, what do you advocate if she decides to stay in the relationship... or sit on the fence about it for years? If she decides to stay with him... then she has to tell him. Otherwise this will just fester and rot, never healing, and besides... he deserves to have a choice. Well, my position is that the cheating is not the problem but the symptom. The problem is the root cause(s) behind what drove her to cheat. That is what will fester and rot. All telling him will do is a) hurt him, and b) force his hand. I think that the most responsible thing to do is to deal with the root problem, without adding the damage to his ego by telling him about her infidelity. Dealing with the root problem may or may not involve telling him, or breaking up. But I can see where there would be more than one point of view on the subject, especially because the idea of being cuckolded without ever knowing it is not very palatable. I don't think it's "wrong" to tell him. I'm just in favor of the criminal bearing the burden for the crime, with as little collateral suffered by the victim as is possible. However that ends up being implemented depends on this particular relationship. Edited June 28, 2011 by welikeincrowds
mhm407 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I don't think you should tell him. Not because I'm immoral or a coward, but because I think it would be a selfish thing to do. It will most likely cause him immense pain that won't solve or change anything, except to make you feel like a burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Most people who are cheated on blame themselves, at least in part, and torture themselves wondering what they did wrong, etc etc. It's not fair. I think the burden of guilt is a fair price to pay for cheating, and you should bear it alone. I agree that you should get tested for STD's immediately, and cut off all contact with him forever. I disagree that he's not the love of your life just because you cheated. People cheat for various reasons--boredom, loneliness, revenge, reassurance-seeking, real or perceived neglect, simple weakness in the presence of someone they're attracted to. It may or may not be a reflection of your partner or your relationship. I think the way you're feeling now tells the tale about how you truly feel about your partner.
Knittress Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Are you sure the guilt and the drama aren't amping up the "love of your life" feelings? You can love someone for the rest of your life and not want/be able to be with them. You can love someone to death and want til-death-do-us-part but still struggle with monogamy, either because that's how you're wired or you're just not in the nesting phase of your life right now. I think you need to figure out what your subconscious is telling you. I'm not sure if you should tell him, I kind of agree with WeLikeInCrowds - but only if this were a "we've been married 20 years, and I just thought the grass would be greener, but now I feel empty and stupid" sort of situation. Which it doesn't seem to be. How long have you been together? Long enough for 'natural' boredom to set in?
coffeeaddict Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I stole my best friend's wallet. I don't think I'll tell him I stole it because I wouldn't want to damage his ability to trust other people, and it would deny him my friendship. If I damaged his ability to trust he would lose faith in his fellow man and it could damage his ability to form relationships, and I wouldn't want to be responsible for that. Therefore even though I have this nagging conscience, I'll do the unselfish and self-sacrificing noble act of not telling my friend that I stole from him, in order to preserve his trust. LOL do people really believe this crap? I guess these days people just bend reality into whatever shape suits them.
welikeincrowds Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 (edited) I stole my best friend's wallet. I don't think I'll tell him I stole it because I wouldn't want to damage his ability to trust other people, and it would deny him my friendship. If I damaged his ability to trust he would lose faith in his fellow man and it could damage his ability to form relationships, and I wouldn't want to be responsible for that. Therefore even though I have this nagging conscience, I'll do the unselfish and self-sacrificing noble act of not telling my friend that I stole from him, in order to preserve his trust. LOL do people really believe this crap? I guess these days people just bend reality into whatever shape suits them. That's a poor analogy, because cheating doesn't include the embezzlement of goods; STDs aside, the damage is strictly emotional. Also, damage only happens if the victim, or his community, is made aware -- unlike in theft, where the victim has lost goods, regardless of whether or not he knows what happened. Also, your sarcasm is inappropriate. Ethical decisions like these can have more than one answer, which can each be rationally justified and defended through their own logical systems. Although only one of them may seem "right" to you, one would be naive to think that there's only one self-evident and objective answer. Very smart people have been devoting their lives to finding coherent, meaningful ways to both define and approach difficult questions like these for centuries. Edited June 28, 2011 by welikeincrowds
runner Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 do him a favour and break up with him. let him know that you just need to be on your own for a while and not be in a relationship with anyone, including him--that you need to figure out what you really want in life. if you were secure in yourself you would have been secure in your relationship and cheating would not have crossed your mind, drunk or not. (i say this assuming that the damage done was full-on hot sex with reckless abandon; OP can always come back and prove me wrong on that)
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