beachlove Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 So my boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year and a half now. A little less than a year before we were together him and his girlfriend of 2 years broke up. They had a long distance relationship and he found out that she was cheating on him and they broke up. For a guy I would say he's a pretty sensitive, expressive type. I know that her cheating on him definitely impacted him a lot and really hurt him. A little after they broke up he had to go back to where he used to live to pick up some of his stuff and I guess he got kind of drunk and they ended up hooking up (This is before we even knew each other still). Back around Christmas time of last year I had came home from work and he was on my computer. I walked over- gave him a kiss, said hello and what not. He said he was looking for another default picture and asked me which one he should use. Didn't really think much of it. About a day or so later I was on my computer and trying to look something that I found previously and was checking out my history and saw that he was looking at his ex's facebook. I guess he was looking at it when I walked in, was startled then went to his page to pretend like he was changing his picture. So as soon as I saw this I texted him and said, "next time you're checking out your ex's facebook on my computer... I would delete your history." He never texted me back, but when he got home from work he told me that he was looking at his mom's facebook and he was checking to see why his mom was still friends with his ex girlfriends. I believed it and that was the end. Turns out they were not friends on facebook and I believed it anyway, and never brought it up again. Yesterday I was burning a CD on his computer and when the downloaded stuff popped up I notice some songs that he was writing. He's written me some pretty good stuff in the past so I started reading them. I saw some stuff that looked like he had wrote during the time of his previous break up. Things like, "I knew you were a cheater" and so forth.. stuff that would imply to me that it hurt him pretty bad. Then I was on the internet and noticed that he had looked at her facebook a couple days before. Yes, I was being nosey and it wasn't right of me. Do you think that maybe he is still not over her? Sometimes I can't help but think that he misses her and that if she had never of cheated on him that they would probably still be together. Should I say something to him?
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 So as soon as I saw this I texted him and said, "next time you're checking out your ex's facebook on my computer... I would delete your history." He never texted me back, but when he got home from work he told me that he was looking at his mom's facebook and he was checking to see why his mom was still friends with his ex girlfriends. I believed it and that was the end. Turns out they were not friends on facebook and I believed it anyway, and never brought it up again. You are WAY in the wrong on this one. Why can't he look at his x/gf's facebook? He isn't sending her messages... right? Now you force him to lie and cover because of your insecure freakouts. You are wrong... totally wrong. Then I was on the internet and noticed that he had looked at her facebook a couple days before. Yes, I was being nosey and it wasn't right of me. Do you think that maybe he is still not over her? Sometimes I can't help but think that he misses her and that if she had never of cheated on him that they would probably still be together. Should I say something to him? Have you never been cheated on? He is probably checking her facebook hoping to see she is unemployed with a nasty cocaine habit. From time to time I will similarly check on my cheating ex... over 1.5 years and her 47yo BF still has no job.
Author beachlove Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Nope he hasn't sent her any messages. Just was curious if maybe that meant that he still had feelings for her. I didn't want to bring it up/make it a huge deal without getting an outside perspective first before possibly over reacting.
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I wonder if he'll be deleting his history now - you told to start doing it. The invention of the text gets us into all kinds of trouble. He might be curious but it doesnt mean he's not over her. I'm happy and in love with my boyfriend right now and even though I would never talk, see or attempt to contact my ex - if I saw my mom following my ex on facebook I might click on the link to see what he was up to. Most likely I wouldn't - because I just don't want to know - but I don't think it's an indicator of if he has feelings for her.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Nope he hasn't sent her any messages. Just was curious if maybe that meant that he still had feelings for her. I didn't want to bring it up/make it a huge deal without getting an outside perspective first before possibly over reacting. You already flew off the handle once with that text message. It's best to make that just a one time mistake. You are his primary relationship now. That means if he is rethinking his feelings for his ex, it means he is unhappy with you. The stronger you make the relationship the better the chance he wont even remember her name in a year or so.
Author beachlove Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I wonder if he'll be deleting his history now - you told to start doing it. The invention of the text gets us into all kinds of trouble.. It's possible that he could start doing that. I said that to him about 6 months ago and he lied about saying that his mom was friends with her on facebook. She never was. Not sure if that was his way of trying to get around it. I can understand the curiosity of looking at an ex's facebook. Maybe he lied because he didn't want me to think it was a big deal or maybe he was thinking about her? What do you think?
Author beachlove Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 You already flew off the handle once with that text message. It's best to make that just a one time mistake. You are his primary relationship now. That means if he is rethinking his feelings for his ex, it means he is unhappy with you. The stronger you make the relationship the better the chance he wont even remember her name in a year or so. Do you think this is any indication that he isn't happy with our current relationship? If so, what can I do to make it stronger?
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 It's possible that he could start doing that. I said that to him about 6 months ago and he lied about saying that his mom was friends with her on facebook. She never was. Not sure if that was his way of trying to get around it. I can understand the curiosity of looking at an ex's facebook. Maybe he lied because he didn't want me to think it was a big deal or maybe he was thinking about her? What do you think? Yea - maybe he did lie because he didn't want you to think it was a big deal or maybe he was thinking about her. I don't think either one of those things are deal breakers - not red flags...but maybe pink flags. Best thing to do is keep your eyes and ears open (that doesn't mean snoop) but just let this one go. It's not worth it to get all anxious about it and also stress him about it as well. I'm Queen Bee of thinking a guy that keeps in contact with his ex is a big no-no but that doesn't really sound like what's going on. If I was in your shoes with the guy I'm with, love and totally trust - I wouldn't think much on it. Sometimes I wonder about my ex as well - Im not on FB but I think he is and I might be tempted to see what he was doing but it doesn't mean I still want him and don't love who I'm with. Everyone is different. Let this one go. If something is up..it will show itself eventually.
Spices Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 (edited) It's a perfectly normal thing to look at an ex's facebook. He was probably traumatized by the whole thing, and it'll also probably take him a long time to completely get over it. The grieving process is rough. Loosing somebody you loved who strongly impacted your life is always hard, even if they hurt you. Love doesn't always go away that easily. My parents have been divorced for 10 years and will still always love each other. This doesn't mean that they can be together though, because it'd never work at this point. If you confront him about it, don't act hurt, frustrated, or angry. Be calm, caring and understanding. Tell him that you know he was hurt and probably misses her & wants to know how she's doing, but that looking at her pictures or Facebook will only make things hurt worse & that he may also run the risk of missing her more. My boyfriend tells me that he checks his ex wife's Facebook from time to time. It always ends up making him depressed. He says he doesn't want to look at it, but it's hard. He still loves her & want's to check up on her and see if she's ok. He'd only been divorced for a few months, so the wounds are still fresh. Edited June 27, 2011 by Spices
Author beachlove Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 It's a perfectly normal thing to look at an ex's facebook. He was probably traumatized by the whole thing, and it'll also probably take him a long time to completely get over it. The grieving process is rough. Loosing somebody you loved who strongly impacted your life is always hard, even if they hurt you. Love doesn't always go away that easily. My parents have been divorced for 10 years and will still always love each other. This doesn't mean that they can be together though, because it'd never work at this point. If you confront him about it, don't act hurt, frustrated, or angry. Be calm, caring and understanding. Tell him that you know he was hurt and probably misses her & wants to know how she's doing, but that looking at her pictures or Facebook will only make things hurt worse & that he may also run the risk of missing her more. My boyfriend tells me that he checks his ex wife's Facebook from time to time. It always ends up making him depressed. He says he doesn't want to look at it, but it's hard. He still loves her & want's to check up on her and see if she's ok. He'd only been divorced for a few months, so the wounds are still fresh. I definitely understand what you're saying but on another hand, if what you're saying is true... I don't really think it's fair to me that I have fully opened my heart to someone when I was ready for a relationship. I also had a boyfriend of 2 years before I met him... I had ended it and I'm completely over him. Thinking that it's okay for my boyfriend, who I moved across the country with for his job, to still be having feelings for another girl just doesn't feel right to me. Not sure if any of this is the case though.. just saying if he did happen to still have feelings for her.
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