Feeling Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 In general I have always kept my feelings buried inside. I have been married for 16 years, and this past week I did the unthinkable, I had an affair. Yeah, I know, I'm an *******. I won't go into the specifics of anything, I don't think thats needed. Anyhow, yesterday me and the affair broke it off. Today she texted me and was pretty pissed. I feel amazing! Maybe its just cause I am so used to trying not to feel anything. But I feel the pain, I felt the excitement, I feel the guilt, its all so electrifying. As I write this, I have been working from my computer at home and I've got my head phones on, all of a sudden, songs I have listened to countless times seem to take on a whole new meaning. I work with the woman I had the affair with, and I am looking forward to seeing her tomorrow to see what she has to say to me or what comes next. Part of me wants to try and reel her back in to keep this feeling going. The whole experience has made me feel so alive, am I sick in the head. I'm a nice quiet guy, I've never done this before, why am I enjoying this so much?!
OhMittens Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I would suggest a therapy session and admitting to your wife that you had an affair... I'm sure that will get quite a reaction for you to get off on.
Author Feeling Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Yeah, no, its not about getting off, its about feeling. I understand what I did wrong. The question was, is it wrong to enjoy feeling this so much. I don't want to mess with some girls head, I don't want to hurt my wife, I firmly believe what you don't know won't hurt you, I know I was wrong in everything I did with this situation. Feeling got the best of me. Is there a way to turn this feeling into something positive? Maybe because I hide from my feelings most of the time and these are feelings I can't hide from, I am coping with them in an odd way. I suppose you could relate it to someone who cuts themselves, feeling the pain of the blade cutting through their flesh is a way for them to feel something, could this be as sick as that? Whatever, speak your mind and call me what you will if it makes you feel better, I know what I am. Just in addition to your comments, maybe try answering the question being asked. And I'm sorry to everyone out there who has been cheated on, I am not condoning this in any way, shape, or form. It's just something that happened.
OhMittens Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Yes it is wrong to enjoy the feeling of playing with someone elses emotions. That someone else being the person you had an affair with. It doesn't matter if the feelings you are feeling are normal, she was pissed and you are considering reeling her in? Why not put some emotion into your marriage instead of this affair? I'm sure your wife would disagree with you that what you don't know wont hurt you. Why not admit to her what happened and see if she would be willing to go to therapy with you? It might allow you to let some of those emotions out and share them with the partner you have shared 16+ years with.
Minnie09 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 (edited) Well, there are people in this world who are not very much in touch with themselves and their emotions. I know some if them, and I used to be married to one of them. What happens is that in order to feel something, just SOMETHING, you compulsively create drama. That's what you describe in your OP. However, I don't know why it took you 16 years to act out. That's unusual for people like that. Maybe you're just bored. I don't know. You feel good now because you feel empowered. You wouldn't feel so good if your wife had the affair instead of you, or if your GF had broken it off with you. It's a power thing. And no, you're not a bad person, you just have some issues. But as long as they don't cause you enough pain, you won't be ready to face them, let alone work on them. Something is empty inside of you. The affair drama fills that void. It won't end well, though, dude. Edited June 27, 2011 by Minnie09
Author Feeling Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I don't think I enjoy playing with the emotions. I am really sorry for dragging her into this and having her be hurt by any of it. We went into it with a different attitude, and she was the one who broke it off. I just had a breif conversation with her and she insists she is fine now, I'm not inclined to believe it, but maybe so, I don't know her that well. Ohmittens, telling my wife would only create grief and heartache for her. I do believe if she could have an affair with someone and not clue me into it, then I am not affected by it. Currently I feel a strong disconnect from my wife and the "in love" feelings have been lost for sometime if you believe this can happen. And the break off with the affair came about because I told her my wife and I were going to try and work things out. I think she was under the impression that I would leave my wife for her. In retrospect, I should have seen that coming. Minnie09, I don't feel empowered, honestly. I just feel like I am going through a breakup, something I only experienced when I was 14 and it didn't mean anything. Its a feeling I have not felt before, and I'm kind of drunk on it. Yeah, its true, I'm not very in touch with my feelings, but everything is being compounded by the mid-life crisis I feel I am in the midst of, and it's not going very well. The empty feeling IS there, the affair brought something back that was missing, although maybe rightfully so in a 16 year marriage, the lust and infatuation is gone, but I am reading that this is normal. The wife and I talked about therapy, we feel I am trying to take on too much and I do not have an outlet to talk with people about this stuff, I am extremely shy and don't open up to the few friends I have. Part of the reason I am here I guess. And like I said, I know what I did was wrong, it was impulsive, it felt good to feel wanted like that and to want someone like that and I was blinded by all of this. The affair is over, both of us will move on, and I have pulled my head out of my ass partly to see that I need to work on things in my self and in my own marriage. If it doesn't work, then we can end it how it needs to end. But for the life of me, I don't see what telling her about this would do except to cause feelings of betrayal and heart ache, which most people will carry with them for the rest of their lives. If it ends, it needs to end with her not knowing this and me carrying the guilt.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Pay no attention to anyone who is trying to shame you into telling your wife. Whether you tell her, it's your own choice. I just can identify with your excitment--not because I cheated on anyone but because I've done other things that made me suddenly addicted to uncertainty as opposed to security. It can be very compelling. My brother is having an affair with someone. He deserves it. His wife is a cold fish and a neurotic while he mostly a passive doormat. Then he met someone on a job and has sent me a few pictures. I can't blame him. She's everything a deprived and mistreated formerly faithful married man would give a testical for. I don't judge--I just hope for HIS happiness. His wife can go take a leaping f.
Author Feeling Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I certainly understand that feeling, especially having gone through it now. And again, I'm not condoning this as a way of life or something that is right. I tried to end my marriage with my wife after being involved in the affair, I honestly thought she shared some of the same feelings as me, that it feels like a loveless marriage and we could both be happier if we moved on amicably. Pipe dream for sure, when I saw her break down, it made me take a hard look at what I had just done. The idea at this point is to see if the marriage can be saved and restored to what it once was. If not, then we know we tried, even with that key piece of info missing, it will hurt if it ends for both of us, but telling her about the affair will more than likely make it end in a way that neither of us would want. I'm just kind of stuck on feeling all of this. It's not overwhelming, it just feels real. I will say though, that I wished I had never felt anything for the affair to begin with, I could do without it all, it's just now that it's here, I feel... maybe not the healthiest of feelings you want in your life, but it's something.
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