How many chances can I get? Gotta get it right this time

[Exit]

Hey everyone...

 

The situation with my ex keeps going in circles. I know it's time for me to take some different action (because repeating the same thing and expecting a different result is insanity, as they say), and I want to make sure I am doing the right thing, so I want to get some confirmation about the way I'm leaning.

 

We broke up in March but she has not committed to her decision and we have been in limited contact ever since. My thread title refers to the idea of how many times can I get a chance to go NC and give her some space and end up screwing it up. Things like Easter, Mother's Day, I was still invited, I was still there, and we still acted like a couple in front of her family. And that was so appealing to me as a hurting dumpee to still get to be with her, but now I look back on it think it probably would have been to my ultimate advantage to not be there, to let her miss having me around. Now the 4th of July and then her birthday are coming up, two days that we really enjoyed last year, and I blew her away with the most thoughtful gifts she ever received on her birthday. I know I cannot allow myself to be involved this year unless she commits to getting back together.

 

Here's some insight into the latest portion of this rollercoaster. Friday after I saw her I received a text afterwards saying "my final decision is no, sorry, and I don't feel like talking about it anymore". But we talked after that, agreed to have a weekend apart, and saw each other tonight. I thought we would just sit and have a cigarette but she asked if I wanted to go for a little drive, so we did. Sitting together afterwards, she told me "stop being so irresistible", referring to the fact that my efforts to exercise again are quite noticeable. She turned down my attempt to get a kiss from her, but she was affectionate. I asked her if she was reconsidering and she said "yes, I'm trying not to say no to this". This is my point... how many times does she get to saying "no - final", and then takes a step back and I seem to have a shot again. One of these times one of these final "no"s is going to stick, and I need to avoid that.

 

Anyways... bottom line, is what is the most advantageous thing I can do from here? I do still want us to get back together. I'm thinking more along the lines of NC now. No texting her tonight saying the drive was fun, no making the effort to talk to her during the week, and worst case scenario, letting the 4th of July and her birthday go by without my involvement as well. I know in my heart there is no way those two days can go by without her thinking about me and wondering if being apart is really what she wants.

 

I know NC is a popular choice around here so I'm sure most will support it, but I want to make sure it's not the dumbest thing I can do with a girl who still loves me and finds me hard to resist. Is backing away just going to make her think "phew, finally the person I dumped three months ago got the point"? Or is this the best possible way to get this figured out, to make her live up to her decision to end a relationship with me and see how she likes it? And I know I know, NC should mainly be for myself, and I'm already doing that, been going out a ton, had a crazy weekend, been working out and stuff, I'm not one of the types totally getting tripped up and beaten by my ex. Sure she still has my interest, but I've been getting used to being alone again.

 

So if I'm so irresistible, is my most effective move to withdraw from her? Or would that be a mistake?

[PelicanPete]

I gotta be honest with you man, you definitely don't want to make long term plans with this girl.

 

If she's having so much trouble deciding whether she wants onboard for a relationship with you, even if she says yes things aren't going to be very good, and she'll expect you try to carry the relationship by yourself. Right now she doesn't feel obligated to make any concrete decision.

 

It's not about how many chances she's giving you, its about how many chances you're giving her. You're on a sinking ship and she's trying to keep you aboard.

 

If she was the right person for you, this decision wouldn't be so hard. If I were you, I would just beat her to the punch and tell her you don't want to get back together and that it's over for good between you two. This girl has nothing more to offer you, and I know inside of you you know it's true.

It's always more painful trying to hold onto something that's already past. Life is change, and you'll never know what else is out there if you choose to drown with what you're familiar with.

[TheHurtProcess]

I gotta be honest with you man, you definitely don't want to make long term plans with this girl.

 

If she's having so much trouble deciding whether she wants onboard for a relationship with you, even if she says yes things aren't going to be very good, and she'll expect you try to carry the relationship by yourself. Right now she doesn't feel obligated to make any concrete decision.

 

It's not about how many chances she's giving you, its about how many chances you're giving her. You're on a sinking ship and she's trying to keep you aboard.

 

If she was the right person for you, this decision wouldn't be so hard. If I were you, I would just beat her to the punch and tell her you don't want to get back together and that it's over for good between you two. This girl has nothing more to offer you, and I know inside of you you know it's true.

It's always more painful trying to hold onto something that's already past. Life is change, and you'll never know what else is out there if you choose to drown with what you're familiar with.

 

Agreed 100%. Let it go my friend. She's just stringing you along at this point. You're fulfilling her emotional needs without her even having to commit. Of course she's not going to budge.

[Exit]

Yeah, you guys are likely right. I have already been getting to that point, wanting to "Beat her to the punch" and tell her I'm gone. I think it would be easier for me to move on if I did it that way, instead of waiting for another rejection. My ego is so susceptible to that kind of stuff... if she tells me no, she'd be the most attractive thing in the world and I'd want what I can't have and keep pursuing, but if I decide to move on, suddenly it would be come easier.

 

But I guess at this point, I just figure why take the burden off of her? If she is still thinking about this and wondering if she is screwing up, then great. For me to tell her it's over, I'm just taking myself out of the game, making it easier for her to move on and forget about me if she knows there is nothing left to even be considering. So that's what stops me, I figure let her have to come up with the nerve to tell me no and watch me leave her life, instead of doing the work for her.

 

But you're right about not making long term plans with this girl. I told her all along, as she said it was stress and depression and things in life that were tearing us apart, I said we need to get through this together, there is no "Taking a break" because things are hard and then getting back together later, how on earth could that be a serious couple talking about marriage if you can't get through things together. I've said that all along and I drew that line in the sand, but I keep allowing it to be crossed. But it's good to have someone remind me, if she was the one and if we were meant to make it, this wouldn't be happening. I even told her earlier on in this situation "if you were really my future wife, none of this would be happening, the person I'm going to marry would not treat me like this". But then through my rose-tinted glasses, I tell myself to not expect ideal situations in real life, maybe the person I'm going to marry will be confused for a while and unsure about what to do, and maybe that's just life.

 

So I guess now is a good time to make my exit. But along the lines of what I said above, I don't think I'm really going to announce it to her or send a letter that says "tonight was great but I'm done now". I'll let her keep thinking and if nothing ever comes of it, oh well, I'll be on my way already.

 

I hate saying goodbye to her. We've made multiple tearful attempts at it, always just to get back in touch again. So maybe it's better this way, we went for a nice drive together, said we would talk soon, and maybe it will just fade into the distance from here...

[PelicanPete]

She is contemplating whether you're good enough for her, and she is still on the fence. I would take that personally and find it even a bit insulting.

 

She feels she has complete control over what course your relationship takes. Imagine if you showed her you were done doing things her way and just wanted out. You can break up on your terms, and start moving on with the satisfaction of sticking up for yourself.

 

If she had any worthwhile feelings for you, trust me she won't move on and forget so easily and she'll probably try to force her way back in your life. If she does move on quickly it only shows you deserve better. Although it may hurt, it would just show how she really felt about you.

 

It's time to practice what you preach! You don't have to set the stage and make it all dramatic, honestly I feel all she deserves is just a 30 second phone call saying that you're done.

 

I just don't want you to be continued to be strung along and leave this wound wide open. I think the best thing for you would be to just rip this relationship off like a bandaid. It will hurt bad the first few days, but it won't add up to the amount of pain you've been through and will continue to go through if you choose to let this continue.