oaks Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 It hurt my feelings. There is such a slim chance of getting pregnant with condoms. It also makes me think he obviously feels that me getting pregnant is the worst thing that could possibly happen. It somehow doesn't gel with his talk of deep love and commitment. It's a slim chance, but not even close to impossible. It sounds like he's just taking care not to have an unplanned pregnancy, which sounds responsible. It hurt your feelings because you think this is some sort of rejection of you. All it means is that he wants to be extra sure that there isn't an unplanned pregnancy. If you want to have a baby with him then you should talk to him about that, and about the timing. He isn't saying "no, never" but he is saying "I don't want it to happen right now, or by accident". If that's not what you want then deal with it. Talk with him.
Glinda Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 And no, I never gave him an impression of wanting kids....if anything, I told him that I am not really ready for kids. I even told him that if I were to get pregnant by accident right now, I would have an abortion. It's more that I don't believe that he loves me and is committed to me.Try looking at it from another perspective. He is trying to protect your relationship and your future. An unplanned pregnancy puts a huge strain on the healthiest and most committed relationships. Consider changing your mind. Tell him you've thought about it and you think he's right for where you are in your relationship. Let him know you'll be happy to see a gynecologist to discuss your past BC troubles and possible alternatives. You may find that he grows more committed to you instead of less!
amymarieca Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 The fact that you are questioning this makes you seem a little bit crazy in the dating world. Do you understand how big of a committment children are? You've only been dating the guy for six months, of course you should be holding off on this. Lighten up and just see where the relationship goes.
spiderowl Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I think you're right, that trying carefully to avoid pregnancy shows his lack of commitment, despite what he says. Trust your instinct on this one. If he was sure he was going to be with you for the foreseeable future and wanted to build a life with you, then I think he wouldn't be so meticulous about this. It may be that he'd like children later and fears you wouldn't mind if they happened earlier, but he's obviously not in the same place as you at the moment. Who knows if he will ever be? I always think it's better to look at a guy's actions not what he says as it tells you so much more about his character and feelings for you.
vsmini Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I think you're right, that trying carefully to avoid pregnancy shows his lack of commitment, despite what he says. Trust your instinct on this one. If he was sure he was going to be with you for the foreseeable future and wanted to build a life with you, then I think he wouldn't be so meticulous about this. It may be that he'd like children later and fears you wouldn't mind if they happened earlier, but he's obviously not in the same place as you at the moment. Who knows if he will ever be? I always think it's better to look at a guy's actions not what he says as it tells you so much more about his character and feelings for you. WTF? I cannot believe this is an actual answer. LOL. If he was sure he was going to be with you for the foreseeable future and wanted to build a life with you, then I think he wouldn't be so meticulous about this. Foreseeable future? WHAT? If a guy was sure he wanted to be committed AND have kids with me he better be in it for the entire future - not just the foreseeable future - that's a bit of an odd statement. So - now we're using his desire (or lack thereof) for an unplanned pregnancy to determine if a guy is in love with a woman? We're skipping right over living together and marriage and going right to kids after 6 months? Right. Seriously - I believe you POV is completely distorted and absurd.
chuckles11 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I think you're right, that trying carefully to avoid pregnancy shows his lack of commitment, despite what he says. Trust your instinct on this one. If he was sure he was going to be with you for the foreseeable future and wanted to build a life with you, then I think he wouldn't be so meticulous about this. It may be that he'd like children later and fears you wouldn't mind if they happened earlier, but he's obviously not in the same place as you at the moment. Who knows if he will ever be? I always think it's better to look at a guy's actions not what he says as it tells you so much more about his character and feelings for you. I totally disagree with this point. Plenty of married people use birth control because they are not ready to have children. Many, many, people who are not in a committed relationship do not use birth control and regularly risk accidental pregnancy. He probably asked her to use birth control because he doesn't want to have a child right now. Not because he secretly thinks this relationship has no future. Some people try to plan out their lives rather than just taking a "who cares" attitude and letting things happen to them. It's possible to love someone and not be ready to go through the huge life change that accompanies parenthood. OP, as other posters have noted, you've made several contradictory statements in this thread about whether you want to get pregnant. If you have decided that you want a child in the near future, you absolutely owe it to yourself and this guy to discuss this topic. Right now, I get the vibe that you are saying that you aren't ready for children, but would not be that upset if an unplanned pregnancy occurred.
Knittress Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Your feelings are reasonable, but the thought-process arising from those feelings is not. A part of you feels rejected on a primal subconscious level and is looking for the thinking-brain to explain and justify it. And you can't really - the guy is being entirely sensible. Sometimes the sanest thing you can do is admit you're irrational so you can safely ignore the crazies, IMO...
Preggers2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I am also in my thirties, responsible, already a mother and independent. I also dated a man I fell in love with, wanted a future with, and he claimed the same. Well, I am pregnant. We dated for seven months. Guess where he's at? Yup! He freaked out and the pregnancy has done nothing but put a strain on the relationship unfortunately. And he is in his 40s! Go figure! It is sad, but it is what it is and there is no time dwelling on it. Having said this: Girl, you MUST look at it from the point that he is wanting to take precautions. He wants kids, but he is not ready at this moment. Kids take a great deal of dedication of your time AND money. And six months is too soon to know 100% that this relationship is destined for marriage and kids. NOW, he can say that he wants and is striving for a long term future with you, but right now, he NOR should you committ to that yet, too soon! TRUST ME!!!!!!!
sb129 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Jeez, the guy can't win. If he was irresponsible with BC and left it all up to you, then freaked and buggered off when you got pregnant the guy would be being lynched. Give him a break! Six months is not a long time. I have a daughter and bringing a child into the world was pretty stressful and I am married to her father. Slow down.
carhill Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Am I making too much out of this? Well, IMO, your feelings are valid; what remains is to process them and compare to a less subjective viewing of the dynamic. Thanks for bringing your question here When tricycle boy was little more than a fleeting thought in his parent's minds eye, his parents dated for a couple years and were married for five years before he was conceived. During that time, in the early 50's, they 'doubled up' with a condom and a diaphragm. While the 'mission' of the organization is perhaps controversial, I find the name of 'Planned Parenthood' to be a very accurate description of what I believe your BF is trying to achieve. It's not that he doesn't want children with you, rather he desires them to be 'planned'. You can work together to find the most effective and healthy BC methods for yourselves, just like my parents did. Good luck
phillyfan Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 It is not really new. We only started having sex a month ago. The "why" is to reduce any chance of me getting pregnant. I asked him if it's because he wants to stop using condoms at some point. He explicitly said "No, I want to use both - condoms and the pill". I told him that the pill makes me sick. He then said to better stock up on morning after pill just in case there is an accident. He said that he wants kids at some point, just not now. I am almost in my mid 30's - it's not like I have that much time. I just need some objective opinions. WTF?! Dude I aint so sensitiv myself but evn i know that askin a woman 2 take serious hormones and 'stock them up' just in case in pretty f**kin nasty. Thats ur body, u already told him the pill makes u sick n that is his response? If some new boyfried of my sista said tht 2 her, id freakin beat the sh*t outta him. Serious, girl, he dont respect u at all, u can do betta.
musemaj11 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 This guy is a smart one. An unwanted pregnancy can destroy a man's life.
vsmini Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 WTF?! Dude I aint so sensitiv myself but evn i know that askin a woman 2 take serious hormones and 'stock them up' just in case in pretty f**kin nasty. Thats ur body, u already told him the pill makes u sick n that is his response? If some new boyfried of my sista said tht 2 her, id freakin beat the sh*t outta him. Serious, girl, he dont respect u at all, u can do betta. Very intelligent answer - I'm sure the guy would be just as happy with another method of BC she could use - there are many options to double up on BC methods. Jeeze - No wonder Philly fans are the considered the worst fans in baseball.
mr.dream merchant Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 It's not that he doesn't care for you OP, he just doesn't want any unplanned pregnancies happening. A guy can be absolutely in love with a woman but lightyears away from starting a family with her. All it means is that he's a sensible guy who likes to plan (go figure) something as HUGE as bringing another life into this world. Might I ask what you would do if you were impregnated by mistake?
BetheButterfly Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 It's not that he doesn't care for you OP, he just doesn't want any unplanned pregnancies happening. A guy can be absolutely in love with a woman but lightyears away from starting a family with her. All it means is that he's a sensible guy who likes to plan (go figure) something as HUGE as bringing another life into this world. Agreed. My fiance jokes about what wanting to wait 20 years before we have kids. I tell him my biological clock is ticking and he rolls his eyes and says "No don't say that!" lol He hates that saying.
BetheButterfly Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 This guy is a smart one. An unwanted pregnancy can destroy a man's life. Babies are awesome, precious little people. However, they can also make it tougher on the woman... actually, women endure more during and after the pregnancy than men do...
Conscience Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 I think he's planning to bust a nut in you in the near future! its not a love thing here its just sexual!
Art_Critic Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Well, then I'd be happy that he makes responsible decisions. Look at the positives: He uses protection, he sounds like he's honest, and you both waited 5 months to have sex? You have a good guy. Maybe there's a low does pill that won't make you sick. Good luck!! Agreed.. the guy does something so responsible and falls into a 1-5 percentile that it gets looked down on.. He should get props for caring about his future, he knows that a child right now isn't what he wants. OP.. your guy is also protecting your future to as well, try not to look at it as a bad thing.
Recommended Posts