suckered Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 We have been together for 6 months. He claims to love me and is committed to me and has even talked about marriage. We are both in early 30's. We are using condoms but he has recently asked me to go on the pill together with the condoms. It hurt my feelings. There is such a slim chance of getting pregnant with condoms. It also makes me think he obviously feels that me getting pregnant is the worst thing that could possibly happen. It somehow doesn't gel with his talk of deep love and commitment. Am I making too much out of this?
ecm Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Did you ask him why? I mean, obviously we know what "double contraception" means. To me, it's only weird/questionable because it's a new behavior, you know?
sb129 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Condoms can break. Did he tell you if he wants to stop using condoms at some point? Maybe thats why, if you are planning on being exclusive long term. An unplanned pregnancy can place a huge strain on a relationship, and six months isn't that long... I think he is just being extra careful.
Author suckered Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Did you ask him why? I mean, obviously we know what "double contraception" means. To me, it's only weird/questionable because it's a new behavior, you know? It is not really new. We only started having sex a month ago. The "why" is to reduce any chance of me getting pregnant. I asked him if it's because he wants to stop using condoms at some point. He explicitly said "No, I want to use both - condoms and the pill". I told him that the pill makes me sick. He then said to better stock up on morning after pill just in case there is an accident. He said that he wants kids at some point, just not now. I am almost in my mid 30's - it's not like I have that much time. I just need some objective opinions.
P&R Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 It is not really new. We only started having sex a month ago. The "why" is to reduce any chance of me getting pregnant. I asked him if it's because he wants to stop using condoms at some point. He explicitly said "No, I want to use both - condoms and the pill". I told him that the pill makes me sick. He then said to better stock up on morning after pill just in case there is an accident. He said that he wants kids at some point, just not now. I am almost in my mid 30's - it's not like I have that much time. I just need some objective opinions. You've only been dating for 6 months. That is not enough time to objectively know if you want to be with somebody. Don't take it personally. If I were him I'd be asking the same thing.
ecm Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Well, then I'd be happy that he makes responsible decisions. Look at the positives: He uses protection, he sounds like he's honest, and you both waited 5 months to have sex? You have a good guy. Maybe there's a low does pill that won't make you sick. Good luck!!
somedude81 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Birth control methods And yes, having an unplanned child can be a very bad thing.
gaius Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 It really just sounds like he doesn't want to have a kid. I was conceived when my parents were using both the pill and condoms, so you can never really be too careful. I wouldn't take it as a slight against you. Maybe some part of you wants to have a kid?
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 It is not really new. We only started having sex a month ago. The "why" is to reduce any chance of me getting pregnant. I asked him if it's because he wants to stop using condoms at some point. He explicitly said "No, I want to use both - condoms and the pill". I told him that the pill makes me sick. He then said to better stock up on morning after pill just in case there is an accident. He said that he wants kids at some point, just not now. I am almost in my mid 30's - it's not like I have that much time. I just need some objective opinions. What you are saying sends up red flags to me. You seem upset that he wants to be sure that you don't have an unexpected pregnancy. It sounds like he's being very careful and responsible. Now you're mentioning that you don't have much time on your biological clock. What are you in this relationship for? Is he a sperm donor? Also - the relationship is relatively new and he might not be sure if he wants to marry and raise a family with you - having a child right now would really mess things up if he wasnt ready. I have to question your motives for being uncomfortable about this.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I told him that the pill makes me sick. He then said to better stock up on morning after pill just in case there is an accident. He said that he wants kids at some point, just not now. I am almost in my mid 30's - it's not like I have that much time. I just need some objective opinions. It sounds to me like you almost want to get pregnant by "accident" (hence the comment about being in your mid-30s and not having much time left). Maybe he gets that impression too and is starting to worry. In any event, from the standpoint of a guy who does not want to have kids yet, his behavior is entirely reasonable. Condoms do break, so having a morning after pill handy is a good idea, especially if you don't have a 24 hour pharmacy close by. If you want to have kids, you need to find someone who shares the same desire. An unplanned pregnancy from a guy who doesn't want kids is hardly a recipe for a happy family. After all, no one likes to get "suckered".
Eeyore79 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 It also makes me think he obviously feels that me getting pregnant is the worst thing that could possibly happen. It sounds like (from your point of view) getting pregnant isn't the worst thing that can happen. You're in your thirties and your biological clock is ticking, you're in a relationship with a nice man whom you'd like to commit to you, and an unplanned pregnancy would basically cement the relationship and make him more likely to commit. So although you aren't planning a pregnancy, you'd probably be quite pleased if it happened by accident. You're upset because he obviously doesn't feel the same, since he wants to take extra precautions to prevent any possibility of an unplanned pregnancy. I don't think there's anything wrong with him wanting to avoid pregnancy. The issue is that (even though you may deny it) secretly you'd be pretty happy if you got pregnant and he asked you to marry him, but he doesn't feel the same. You're upset because he clearly isn't ready for that level of commitment, despite all his talk about love and marriage. It's understandable that he isn't ready after dating for only six months; you need to think about your own motives for wanting these things to happen so quickly.
Eeyore79 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 It sounds to me like you almost want to get pregnant by "accident" (hence the comment about being in your mid-30s and not having much time left). Maybe he gets that impression too and is starting to worry. This seems to hit the nail on the head. If a woman has no children and is in her thirties, her biological clock is probably ticking pretty loudly. Guys are aware of this, and know that if she does get pregnant she's likely to insist on keeping it, so they want to take extra precautions to avoid that situation occurring. Some women even go out of their way to try to get "accidentally" pregnant - not that I'm suggesting the OP would ever do this, but there have been cases of women sticking pins in condoms, trying to make them slip off, even retrieving used condoms from the trash and inserting the contents into themselves. Firstly because they want a baby before it's too late, and secondly because they think the guy will marry them (or at least stay with them) if they get pregnant. I'm guessing the OP's boyfriend isn't ready to be a father yet, but gets the feeling that she wants a baby, and it's making him nervous enough that he wants to take extra precautions.
Author suckered Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 It's not that I want to get pregnant. It's more that it shows where his feelings are really at. He constantly talks about how much he loves me and wants to marry me. He also talks about wanting 2 kids.... Given how persistent he is about double contraception, he obviously doesn't feel as committed as he says. That's what really bothers me. I would feel differently if he said he never wanted kids. It's hard to believe that he loves me that deeply.
somedude81 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 There is a difference between not wanting kids and not wanting to have an accident.
Author suckered Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 And no, I never gave him an impression of wanting kids....if anything, I told him that I am not really ready for kids. I even told him that if I were to get pregnant by accident right now, I would have an abortion. It's more that I don't believe that he loves me and is committed to me.
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 And no, I never gave him an impression of wanting kids....if anything, I told him that I am not really ready for kids. I even told him that if I were to get pregnant by accident right now, I would have an abortion. It's more that I don't believe that he loves me and is committed to me. Eternal Sunshine???? is that you? Come on. Talk about the guy losing no matter what. Do you think he thinks you don't love him and aren't committed to him because you told him you aren't ready for kids? You told him that and now you're potentially holding this against him? That's screwed up. Not being ready for kids (just like you say you are NOT) does not mean that someone doesn't love another person. Where on earth are you getting your info from? Not to mention - you sound like a hypocrite if you really believe that not wanting kids right now means he's not into you....because then it means you aren't into him either.
iris219 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 OP, I completely understand why you’re upset. I would be offended if I was in a serious, committed relationship and he asked me to do this, for several reasons: 1. I don’t believe in hormonal BC for myself, so I would never consider taking the pill. 2. I would feel like he didn’t trust me. I would think he thought I was going to somehow try and sabotage the form of BC we were using. 3. I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with someone who finds the idea of having a child with me, even accidently, so repulsive and fear inducing that he needs double BC for peace of mind. Having a child accidently is never ideal, but people make it work. If the man I was with didn’t think he could make it work with me, he shouldn’t be having sex with me. He should use the most effective form of BC—abstinence, and that’s what I would tell them when I stopped having sex with him.
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 are you nuts? 1, it's responsibility of both. 2, patently false, he's being responsible. 3, having a child when you are together long enough is a bad bad bad idea, I can spend all day and all night and all next week listing reasons. they've been togetehr 6 months, so they have a solid thing going. sex with double contraception is the best idea. I have to agree. AND the OP mentioned that she doesn't feel ready for kids. So then why the hell isnt she making darn sure it doesn't happen????? That makes no sense to me. She can say she's not ready but if he says he's not ready then you hold it against him? NO. If Iris stands by what she said then tecnically the OP shouldn't be having sex either - since the OP has made it clear she isnt ready for kids.
Jono85 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 vsmini's posts seem to be my rationale here. this would be sending me some red flags if i were the guy and i read this thread. like vsmini said he is not a sperm donor. u haven't even been with him for CLOSE to one year and you're upset he's not 100% sure he wants to have children with you?? cmon. again, if i were him i'd be a little worried. it comes off like you want children with someone more than finding the RIGHT someone to have children with.
iris219 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 are you nuts? 1, it's responsibility of both. 2, patently false, he's being responsible. 3, having a child when you are together long enough is a bad bad bad idea, I can spend all day and all night and all next week listing reasons. they've been togetehr 6 months, so they have a solid thing going. sex with double contraception is the best idea. I wasn't trying to give advice anyone should follow. I was merely letting the OP know that I understood how she felt and that I'd feel similarly.
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 that's rich. you expect your guy to do all the work on contraceptions, you don't trust him for being responsible, and risk having a child before hes ready. what's the cost for raising a child to 18? i'd run fast from this. most men would run from this. the op should know this. Ive heard a few numbers about the cost to raise a child up to age 18 - It's around the 17K mark. Yowza
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 170k...... Yea - left out a zero. I've heard 200K+ who knows.
conehead Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I agree he is just doing the reasonable thing. I was just thinking that if I do end up becoming intimate with the guy I'm currently seeing, I'd like to be both on the pill and using condoms as well!!! I'm extra careful. I had an incident with an ex where we thought a condom might have broke and I popped in that plan b emergency pill within minutes lol. I want to have kids eventually, but only if its something planned. I dont want to have an accidental pregnancy and force someone to be with me because of it.
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Let's look at an alternative: Just "risk it" and not want to use any method of BC because it probably feels better. You could get pregnant and he could either try to talk you out of it or resent you for life - with you two having a child after BOTH parties have stated that you were not ready. Instead you have a guy who is taking the responsible route - he has made it clear to you what he wants (IE - kids in the future, not now) and he's doing his end of the work by making sure there is protection. It really frustrates me that he's doing everything right in this situation and you're finding a way to twist it and make it about you and feeling like you are being screwed over.
Recommended Posts