MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Recap Ex dumped me end of Feb. He moved out end of April. He started dating new girl beginning of May. I have seen them together twice since then. I didn't know about her til 3 weeks ago when I first saw them. He left me b/c: I'm too controlling, insecure, i was mean and made him feel not good enough. I behaved that crappy b/c he talked to girls behind my back and by the time he came clean i never forgave him. We both had to work on ourselves. So now here we are...I've been waiting for him to give me a second chance. I didnt know he had already started a new relationship right away. he said they started as friends b/c she's his volleyball partner and now they just have this "zero effort, no drama, easy" relationship. He said he misses me and loves me but not enough to leave her and jump back into a relationship with me. he said he had to leave me cause of my religious beliefs. and that he is comfortable being non religious and that I would have never accepted that. That i deserve someone who is on my level spiritually. he said he's also afraid that i wont let him play vball as much as he does and that in 6 months i may go back to being as i was before. now i'm 1 week away from having to decide to extend lease or move out. i want him back so bad. i want him to give us a fair shot now that we both worked on ourselves but i know it wont happen. i dont know why i cant let go. i cried all weekend. I tried no contact and i think thats what helped him move on and forget about me. last time we talked was fri where he said he loves me but that he doesnt want to tell me cause "its unhealthy" for me to just "wait around". i am broken. i want him back and i miss him so much. I know i need to move out of here and move to an area where i wont run into them. it was the worst thing ever seeing them together twice. both times it was that they were next to me in car at stop light. we live too close together. when he moved out he wanted to still live by me cause we were supposed to start fresh and date. i'm so so so sad. he keeps telling me he is not a good match for me. why dont i see that? he tells me that i will be happy again one day and that he did me a favor by leaving me cause of the religion thing. what do i do? i'm scared that i will never be okay again.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 he said they started as friends b/c she's his volleyball partner and now they just have this "zero effort, no drama, easy" relationship. He said he misses me and loves me but not enough to leave her and jump back into a relationship with me. what do i do? i'm scared that i will never be okay again. of course they have a zero effort, drama free, easy relationship... they are still in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. if he's not willing to leave her then obviously he doesn't love you, don't let him lead you on with his lines he's just trying to string you along just in case the new relationship falls flat You will be ok again I'm sure of that, it just takes time and effort. Go NC with him and try to get the thoughts of reconciliation out of your head.
thelovingkind Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Your grief has been very slow setting in because he lived with you for a full two months before moving out, because you mistook a break up for a break, and because you didn't maintain NC (there is no way that you should have such a level of contact that your ex feels okay boasting about the dynamic with his new girl). I don't think you've gone "back" to square one, I think you've only just arrived at square one. You're right where most of us are in the first week after the break up. First things first, get him out of your life 100 percent absolutely no contact, and if that means moving then definitely move. Then accept the fact that you are late coming to the grieving table on this one and that you've probably got a lot of tears and tumultuous feelings to go through before you come out the other side. It's really just beginning for you, but now that you've begun the end of this sadness will get closer with every day.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I just dont know how to give up hope on us. i'm like a complete hopeful right now. i dont know what i can do to stop. i WILL go NC and stay NC. by the way that dane cook quote was super funny. it was nice to laugh for a second
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Your grief has been very slow setting in because he lived with you for a full two months before moving out, because you mistook a break up for a break, and because you didn't maintain NC (there is no way that you should have such a level of contact that your ex feels okay boasting about the dynamic with his new girl). I don't think you've gone "back" to square one, I think you've only just arrived at square one. You're right where most of us are in the first week after the break up. First things first, get him out of your life 100 percent absolutely no contact, and if that means moving then definitely move. Then accept the fact that you are late coming to the grieving table on this one and that you've probably got a lot of tears and tumultuous feelings to go through before you come out the other side. It's really just beginning for you, but now that you've begun the end of this sadness will get closer with every day. I know i'm stupid cause i prolonged my healing. i was doing so much better and now its all bad again. i cant seem to get over the pain and the fact that he could do this to me. and i miss him so much. so so so so so much.
thelovingkind Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 The NC acts like a vice that slowly suffocates the hope over time. Make the NC your focus, don't worry about giving up on hope for now. Do the NC and the rest will follow.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I want him back. I cant seem to get it through my head that he's not the one for me. I just want him back. I want a second chance. But I know he isnt coming back, not now, and maybe not ever. I don't know what to do to make him come back to me. I guess thats a stupid thing to say cause I cant make him come back to me. I keep thinking he will stay with her forever. I lost my bestfriend and he's found a new one already.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I just dont know how to give up hope on us. i'm like a complete hopeful right now. i dont know what i can do to stop. i WILL go NC and stay NC. It will come with time don't expect it all at once, My best advice for you is accepting that you two are not a couple, accept the reasons for the break up (even if you don't agree with them), and accept the fact that he may never come back. once you start accepting these things, whether you agree with them or not, then you will be able to move on and not hold your life on this guy. by the way that dane cook quote was super funny. it was nice to laugh for a second That's what it's there for
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 The NC acts like a vice that slowly suffocates the hope over time. Make the NC your focus, don't worry about giving up on hope for now. Do the NC and the rest will follow. I DID do NC, maybe not long enough?? since he moved out 2 months ago we texted/emailed and talked only 5 days total. is that too much? Longest NC streak was 2 weeks. I guess that isnt enough. maybe that's why I feel like a yo yo. I need to just disappear. I am scared cause i feel like NC is what pushed him to someone else. I am scared but I guess i will delete my fb, block his texts, calls (not that he will contact me anyway), and not sign on to my AIM messenger. but wont this just help him forget i exist? i'm scared it wont even help me.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I want him back. I cant seem to get it through my head that he's not the one for me. I just want him back. I want a second chance. But I know he isnt coming back, not now, and maybe not ever. I don't know what to do to make him come back to me. I guess thats a stupid thing to say cause I cant make him come back to me. I keep thinking he will stay with her forever. I lost my bestfriend and he's found a new one already. you can blame human nature on these feelings. basically we like how a typical romance novel/movie pans out with two people being separated and then in the end they come to terms and confess undying love for each other. WE LOVE REDEMPTION, however this is reality and the dumpers don't think about the thought of redemption or the love stories panning out, they just want out.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I DID do NC, maybe not long enough?? since he moved out 2 months ago we texted/emailed and talked only 5 days total. is that too much? Longest NC streak was 2 weeks. I guess that isnt enough. maybe that's why I feel like a yo yo. I need to just disappear. I am scared cause i feel like NC is what pushed him to someone else. I am scared but I guess i will delete my fb, block his texts, calls (not that he will contact me anyway), and not sign on to my AIM messenger. but wont this just help him forget i exist? i'm scared it wont even help me. if you don't go NC you could end up pushing him further away, the odds of pulling him in are very VERY slim. NC doesn't push people to someone else, if they really wanted you they would find a way to be with you. If he felt ANYTHING during your relationship he will never forget you exist. And it will help you tremendously, 2 weeks isn't much at all. I would still be an emotional wreck if I had stuck around my ex. Just trust NC and stick with it.
thelovingkind Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I DID do NC, maybe not long enough?? since he moved out 2 months ago we texted/emailed and talked only 5 days total. is that too much? Longest NC streak was 2 weeks. I guess that isnt enough. maybe that's why I feel like a yo yo. I need to just disappear. I am scared cause i feel like NC is what pushed him to someone else. I am scared but I guess i will delete my fb, block his texts, calls (not that he will contact me anyway), and not sign on to my AIM messenger. but wont this just help him forget i exist? i'm scared it wont even help me. I don't want to sound like a bitch but doing no contact between periods of no contact is kind of like quitting smoking between cigarettes or dieting between meals. In order for NC to work it needs to be just that: absolutely no contact. Your NC did not push him onto someone else, his lack of feelings for you did. All the convincing, pleading, toying, gaming, manipulating, persuading, talking, sharing, crying, begging or attention of any sort in the world will not make someone have feelings for you that aren't there. Just focus on the no contact. You are going to go through so many emotions in the next few weeks: panic, fear, hope, anger, resentment, sadness, depression. You can't worry about getting to the bottom of every single one. For now, just let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. Just make sure you're doing it in the context of absolutely no contact.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I don't want to sound like a bitch but doing no contact between periods of no contact is kind of like quitting smoking between cigarettes or dieting between meals. In order for NC to work it needs to be just that: absolutely no contact. Your NC did not push him onto someone else, his lack of feelings for you did. All the convincing, pleading, toying, gaming, manipulating, persuading, talking, sharing, crying, begging or attention of any sort in the world will not make someone have feelings for you that aren't there. Just focus on the no contact. You are going to go through so many emotions in the next few weeks: panic, fear, hope, anger, resentment, sadness, depression. You can't worry about getting to the bottom of every single one. For now, just let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. Just make sure you're doing it in the context of absolutely no contact. I wanted to email him one last time to let him know that i have til july 5th to decide to stay or move...and i wanted him to make his final decision by then. is that stupid. i mean last we spoke (fri) he said he loves me and is just scared of the risk.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I wanted to email him one last time to let him know that i have til july 5th to decide to stay or move...and i wanted him to make his final decision by then. is that stupid. i mean last we spoke (fri) he said he loves me and is just scared of the risk. I told him to be brave and do whats right and that his gf isnt even gonna be shocked cause she knows he has to still love me and he said he agrees but that he likes her cause its simple and easy. and no effort. and that she likes him for who he is unlike me who made him feel never good enough. i want him to make that power move and come back to me. so i want to email him that but i'm stupid i know. its just another rejection waiting to happen cause he's with her.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I wanted to email him one last time to let him know that i have til july 5th to decide to stay or move...and i wanted him to make his final decision by then. is that stupid. i mean last we spoke (fri) he said he loves me and is just scared of the risk. don't do this. it will affect him more if he all of a sudden figures out that you don't live there any more. and by giving him an ultimatum like this you MIGHT get him back temporarily but I highly doubt it would last for very long. Go NC and let him miss you.
thelovingkind Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I wanted to email him one last time to let him know that i have til july 5th to decide to stay or move...and i wanted him to make his final decision by then. is that stupid. i mean last we spoke (fri) he said he loves me and is just scared of the risk. He's made his decision: he's not with you. Not only is he not with you, he's with someone else. Not only is he with someone else, he's talking to you about how wonderful his relationship with her is. Could you possibly imagine keeping him on hold while you see some other guy and possibly return for a bit more if it doesn't work out? No way in hell. Because you're crazy about him. And when you're crazy about someone that's what it's like. You need someone who feels this same craziness about you, and you won't be in a position to find that so long as you're stringing yourself along with this guy.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 He's made his decision: he's not with you. Not only is he not with you, he's with someone else. Not only is he with someone else, he's talking to you about how wonderful his relationship with her is. Could you possibly imagine keeping him on hold while you see some other guy and possibly return for a bit more if it doesn't work out? No way in hell. Because you're crazy about him. And when you're crazy about someone that's what it's like. You need someone who feels this same craziness about you, and you won't be in a position to find that so long as you're stringing yourself along with this guy. Very well said.
RuinedLife Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 And when you're crazy about someone that's what it's like. You need someone who feels this same craziness about you, and you won't be in a position to find that so long as you're stringing yourself along with this guy. Wow, I need to take heed of this too! To the OP I can really relate to your heartache and your desperate need to get your ex back no matter what etc. As I too still love my ex with a passion even after many months and even after I know he's long since moved on. Best thing I can advice is NC, as everyone else has suggested. Because this is the best way for you to get some distance from the relationship, to really think about the reasons he decided to end things and to slowly open your mind to the idea of a life without your ex, and maybe one day, to a life with someone else when you feel ready. Believe me I know how hard it is! If you read any of my posts you'll know how tough I'm finding it even after 6 months have gone by to move on. And when you love someone and they don't love you, then accepting that can be near impossible. But this guy is clearly moving on and torturing you with bread crumbs by telling you that he still loves and misses you at the same time! And it may be that when he tells you these things he's not intentionally trying to "string you along", that he's just trying to offer you some comfort during the "transition period" to a life apart, but its having the exact opposite effect! And you really need to go completely NC so you can start to heal! And sounds like moving away will give you the best chance of that. I know how harmful bread crumbs can be, my ex tried to make that "transition period" easier on me too and I'm still delusional thinking we can get back together even now. But you DON'T want to be like me. Because now I'm so messed up I have to be on all these medications and I'm stuck in a deep depression with no idea how to get out again. The best way to move on is NC and acceptance. Acceptance is more difficult, but seems like your ex has given you some good reasons why you two weren't compatible and maybe if you go NC you'll have time to really think about these reasons. And work on improving yourself and work towards creating a new and better relationship with someone else somewhere down the line. Sorry, I know I'm not the best one to give advice as I'm still in deep heartache and struggling to move on also, but listen to everyone else on here because they know their stuff.
thelovingkind Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 And it may be that when he tells you these things he's not intentionally trying to "string you along", that he's just trying to offer you some comfort during the "transition period" to a life apart, but its having the exact opposite effect! And you really need to go completely NC so you can start to heal! And sounds like moving away will give you the best chance of that. Yep. My first love used to call me up in the first weeks after the break-up and say things like "Just wanted to say I miss you..." etc. He even invited me to stay at his a couple times and then he initiated cuddling me. Insanity. I have learnt from that moment and a few others like it that one of the times during which people can be at their very least empathetic is when they've lost romantic feelings for you. My most recent ex was totally shocked that I cried when he broke up with me. This was just three weeks after he had told me that he had no idea how he would cope if I didn't want to see him anymore and that the thought of not being with me was too terrifying to comprehend. Once someone isn't feeling "it" anymore they have no comprehension how you are not in the same situation, and they don't see that your needs and desires no longer match. So, here's the moral: Your ex may still care about you. He may not want to hurt you. But he has no idea how to do what's best for you. (Ironically, exes are least likely to cause further pain if they don't want anything to do with you anymore). You can't look to him for guidance or for the way forward, or wait for him to take the lead. It's difficult to break the mindset of being a team, of working through and resolving things together, but it has to be done.
RuinedLife Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Yep. My first love used to call me up in the first weeks after the break-up and say things like "Just wanted to say I miss you..." etc. He even invited me to stay at his a couple times and then he initiated cuddling me. Insanity. I have learnt from that moment and a few others like it that one of the times during which people can be at their very least empathetic is when they've lost romantic feelings for you. My most recent ex was totally shocked that I cried when he broke up with me. This was just three weeks after he had told me that he had no idea how he would cope if I didn't want to see him anymore and that the thought of not being with me was too terrifying to comprehend. Once someone isn't feeling "it" anymore they have no comprehension how you are not in the same situation, and they don't see that your needs and desires no longer match. So, here's the moral: Your ex may still care about you. He may not want to hurt you. But he has no idea how to do what's best for you. (Ironically, exes are least likely to cause further pain if they don't want anything to do with you anymore). You can't look to him for guidance or for the way forward, or wait for him to take the lead. It's difficult to break the mindset of being a team, of working through and resolving things together, but it has to be done. I think this is a great post! I especially agree with this last part, even though it hurts so much just to think about it! I thought me and my ex were a team and would always be there to help each other through tough times and its really hard to accept that he's gone, that we're no longer a team and that I'm all alone. Coping with your pain alone is so hard when you've been used to having a partner to help you through tough times. When a break up happens then that person you used to depend on for emotional support, now because a source of emotional pain. And I made the mistake of going to my ex hoping for emotional support, but of course all I got was more pain. The only way to heal from the pain is NC as hard as it is. The more you're in contact with him now the more pain you'll get. Trust me I know how hard it is. I want to tell my ex so many things I never told him. I want to tell him how much I still love him and want to work through our issues, but he's rejected me quite clearly really (even though I try desperately to live in denial) and I know logically trying to tell him anything further will only bring pain, and as much as I want to believe otherwise, and as much as him to help me, I know logically he can't
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