Sorry this is long I need to decode him

[pickles1]

My situation seemed hopeful last week. I had done strict NC (not very long) and LC before that. He finally called and told me he would like to work on things slowly so that we can get back together. My problem was that he wanted to remain single and talk to other girls while he was figuring us out. To me, it sometimes made sense and other times, it made me feel used and strung along. Obviously, feeling this way was hard to hide.

 

Well, we talked for a few days after that talk, and he is going away to study abroad for a month in a week. I had a family wedding to go to, and he was invited a long time ago. I was planning on going solo, but then he last minute decided to hop on a plane and go to it with me. I was shocked! He seemed hesitant, but said he wanted to. When he arrived a few days ago it was at first awkward. We started talking and having fun again. During our late-night chat, one of the girls he has been flirting with called him at 2am to see what he was doing. I knew that there was a possibility of a second girl in his life (other than his main rebound). I told him I was tired and went to bed. I was trying not to get upset in front of him. He knew I saw the text when the phone rang and came to my room to talk to me.

 

He told me to look at him and ask him anything I wanted to know. I told him I was upset that he has been flirting with so many girls and hiding it from me. He held me all night and told me he loved me and none of those girls stand a chance. He said they are boring, and he is just playing around with them to fill the void I left. I understood that, but it still hurt. He said he just needs to prove to himself that our relationship ending was not his fault and that he needed reassurance that nothing is wrong with him. I believed him. He kissed me many times and told me to enjoy the weekend with him, and that we could talk later.

 

The wedding was a blast, he treated me better than in the last year we were dating. All night he would lean over and whisper in my ear that he loves me and that I am beautiful. Everyone thought we were together again, and it felt stronger and more loving of a relationship than I can remember. My plan was to leave him for good at the end of the weekend because I found out other plans he has made with his rebound girls.

 

Anyway, we talked again (he was slightly intoxicated) after the wedding. I saw he got missed calls from his rebound girl and all these VERY VERY flirtatious texts between them. He has been EXTREMELY flirty with her and it hurt me so much to see. However, the whole weekend he turned his phone off after the first night whenever he was with me and not needing it for work reasons. He told me he could drop those girls so fast, and they mean nothing to him. He said no one has ever been able to have this connection with him, and he would make sure we will make it. He also said that if I needed him to stop talking to them he would do it. He said he will make us work, he needs time. I was scared to believe him since he had been drinking.

 

So, this morning I drop him off at the airport. I told him we should not talk anymore until he knows what he wants. He was so upset with that, and said he could not let me go. I told him if/when he realizes he wants me back he can call me, otherwise I need to move on. He held me for so long and kissed me many times goodbye. I left and made sure not to cry in front of him. He texted me how hard it was to watch me leave and that he missed me already.

 

WELL, as soon as he got back home today his texts/way he was talking was completely different. Back to the way things were before, just bland. I posted the wedding pictures on facebook, only to find him untagging all of the photos of us that made us look like a couple. Our mutual friend even told me that he made sure that his rebound girl can't see our photos together from the weekend.

 

After such a magical weekend, I am confused all over again. He seemed SOOOO genuine in our conversations, and I had not felt so loved in so long. He even told my family he loved them and that he was going to make us work. He obviously can't give up his rebound relationship if he is so worried about her seeing him with me. So I am assuming he would have never given up talking to her. If he says he could leave this girl any day because he doesn't care, why would he go through such lengths to hide me? He told me he doesn't care if anyone knew, which is obviously a lie. What am I supposed to believe?? HELP PLEASE. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!

 

Also, he said he would call me tonight. He asked if we could talk one more time before I cut ties with him, and I said ok. I don't know what to say now. When he left this morning we were both sad and so in love. Now I feel cheated in a way, even though I shouldn't. Opinions and suggestions are greatly appreciated!

[lalalandman]

Well, I definitely feel sorry for his rebound girls. He lacks integrity. This guy truly has some nerve to tell you 'Hey, I want to try and work it out with you, but at the same time flirt with these other girls (and try to get in their pants)'. WHAT? Really?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

He doesn't know what he wants and you made a very good decision in telling him that he shouldn't talk to you until he figures that out. agreeing to the call is a bad mistake because it's obvious that he isn't ready to part ways with his new girl.

 

during this call let him do most/all of the talking, after all, he's the one that wanted the call so he must have something to say. That or just ignore the call and let him know that you don't want to talk to him until he figures out what he wants.

 

Also, he sounds like he is stringing you along in case this new relationship doesn't work. I would strongly recommend cutting contact ASAP and move on.

[pickles1]

The thing is, his rebound girl and him are also long distance this summer until august. They have not been physically together. They text and skype regularly. He told me he knows he is being unfair to me and that it hurts me. He told me he knows he would feel the same way if the roles were switched. I could not ask him to stop talking to those girls, even though he told me I could ask him to, but how could he work on us if he is talking to them? I also mentioned that he was being unfair to this girl as well, and he said he did not care about her, and that he is not choosing between me and her, he is choosing between us being able to work out or not. He told me he would not travel 800 miles just to play me. I am more confused than ever, but I know I just need to let him go... even though we had the best weekend together.

[pickles1]

I figured the best thing to do is just move on... it just hurts because I love him so much, and I know he still cares about me. It is so hard dealing with this long distance as well. He also said that it is almost a good thing he has been talking to this girl because he realizes he has no chemistry with her, and nothing compares to me. He said I still had complete ownership of his love. So I am now so angry for him trying to maintain his relationship with her! Actions speak louder than words, I guess. Which is still confusing since he traveled 800 miles to see me and put himself in a possibly awkward situation with my family.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Which is still confusing since he traveled 800 miles to see me and put himself in a possibly awkward situation with my family.

 

 

I'll be honest... this confuses the hell out of me as well.

 

 

 

But you've left the lines of communication open by telling him that he can initiate contact with you when he figures out what he wants. so go into the healing process and expect nothing from him. if he eventually calls and confesses his undying love for you then great, you can make the decision as to whether you want him back or not. If he doesn't then you are already healing and won't be strung along.

[pickles1]

Thanks HeartOfAPhoenix, that is what I plan on doing, even though it's not preferred. Some people think I should just cut the line of communication and tell him never to call me even after he figures that he wants me or not, because then he will feel like he has lost me for good, which will help lessen his chances of buying more time from me? Do you think this would be better?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

At this point you want him to miss you, perhaps telling him that your preferred method of him communicating with you, when he figures out what he wants, is email. if he emails you then he can state that he knows what he wants in the email and you won't blindly pick up his call to find out that he's just stringing you along with him (although then you'll need to find the strength to ignore the irrelevant emails that he might send).

 

You want him right now so I think you leaving the lines of communication open like this is the best for you now. But later on you might not want him back, in this case you could either send him an email telling him to never contact you again or just ignore every attempt he makes at contacting you.

 

 

if you find that it is to painful taking this approach then go total NC. either way if he truly wants you he WILL find a way to contact you.

[pickles1]

Thanks for the advice. I wish I was just over this already and not be obsessed with his relationship with her! I will try to be as direct as possible without letting my emotions get in the way.

 

Homebrew, thanks for the information. It helps me to better understand what my ex is going through. However, I have to admit... it scares me a little that GIGS lasts so long.. :/ it makes me think there will be no hope for us ever.

[pickles1]

So we had our phone conversation. He said he meant everything he told me while he was visiting. I told him I cannot sacrifice my boundaries/needs to be a safety net for him. Even though he wants to work on our relationship and remain single, I told him it made no sense to me to string along this rebound girl and work on things with me 100%. I said we would fail, especially since the problem he has with our relationship is trust issues and insecurities/jealousy. (For no good reason, I assure you--nothing happened during our relationship, he's very insecure).

 

I told him that he is confused about what he wants and that he needs space/time to figure it out, and that I need to move on. He told me that he knows exactly what he wants, which is me, but only when he can trust me again and when I stop putting a wall up. (I used to have this problem with putting a wall up when I was afraid of being hurt). He said he only wants me, but he can't jump back into a relationship without building trust first. I said I can't build trust and trust him if he is not committed all the way to working on it with me and continuing to talk to these other girls. So, we are at a loss. Our desires are clashing, but we ultimately want to be together.

 

I stayed strong, and told him then I have no choice but to let him go. I asked him not to contact me so that I can move on. This is also a confusing part: he said he knows that I want to NC so that he will realize that he wants to be with me, but that it will only make him miss me, but it will never give him the trust he needs to BE with me again. So, he's basically telling me NC won't work. GREAT. Did I do the right thing, or should I have stayed to "work" on it, and hope that our relationship would build over time even though the rebound remained in his life? AHHH!

[justagirrl]

I went through something very similar. Where he acted like prince charming! We had an amazing time and then the next day...back to the same, bland conversations...not even acting interested like he was before. It's very upsetting and hard to deal with. Honestly, NC has to be the hardest thing. I broke it yesterday after a week, and then texted him AGAIN today =( i can't help it because I miss him so much...but you have to realize what he's doing to you. HE IS MANIPULATING YOU. honestly, and I put it in caps because that is what he's doing. He probably feels like he can get any girl he wants, and you're probably the only one out of those girls he knows is actually a GOOD GIRL and the kind of girl every guy wants to be with...he just doesn't want to appear off the market. And that's the truth. My "ex" craves attention. Any way he can get it. A lot of people are that way and he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Don't let him.

 

It's as easy as that. If someone wants something bad enough, they will do whatever it takes...run through fire whatever that saying is. I know I'm sounding a little harsh, but trust me, I let this go way too far and I became so depressed that it reflected on my grades last semester. That was a wake up call. I hope you're doing okay though =/

[wilsonx]

 

I stayed strong, and told him then I have no choice but to let him go. I asked him not to contact me so that I can move on. This is also a confusing part: he said he knows that I want to NC so that he will realize that he wants to be with me, but that it will only make him miss me, but it will never give him the trust he needs to BE with me again. So, he's basically telling me NC won't work. GREAT. Did I do the right thing, or should I have stayed to "work" on it, and hope that our relationship would build over time even though the rebound remained in his life? AHHH!

 

He's stringing you along as a friend/security blanket. Dont believe me, my ex did the same thing to me. She has GIGS. I fell for her bull****, lies, sleeping with me even after the relationship was over.

 

You have the power now... End it... Just go NC... Set a boundary... Tell him "I ask that you leave me alone, when I am ready to talk to you again, I will contact you" You do not have to explain the reasoning behind it.. its your boundary... once you say it... start healing and moving forward... This gives you power back. If he breaks this boundary it actually helps you as you start to resent him more.

Edited June 28, 2011 by wilsonx

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Wilsonx is right, the only reason he is telling you this is because he is scared that you will actually follow through with NC and then you won't be feeding his ego.