i made a mess Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 A little update to where I last left off...(you can check my last post on here to catch up to speed). About 10 days after the lovely night of drama, mainly caused by me, we exchanged a few texts. Mainly small talk the first night. The 2nd night, I had invited him out for a drink and a bite to eat but he was working. I was with a friend of mine so she and I went ahead with our plans for the evening but while I was at dinner he text me and said to come see him at work. I picked him up some food (not at his request) and after dropping my friend off, went on to see him while at work. (He works 2 jobs, in school, and is training for a marathon) He doesn't have a job where he can just sit and talk so I just assumed I'd be stopping by to say hi and maybe talk for 5 minutes or so. To my surprise he took a lunch break and asked me to come in and sit with him while he ate. We made small talk, talked about work and what we'd been up to. He said thanks for bringing him food and when I went to leave, he asked for a hug and told me I smelled really good. (irrelevant details but important to me i suppose) Then about 40 minutes later I received another text saying thank you (not necessary, but I thought it was sweet). A few days later he text me and invited me to go out with him and a friend of his. I went and it was a really good time. He seemed to be flirting, telling me and his friend that I have "the sexiest eyes" (he wasn't drunk) and then texting me from across the table sending flirty texts. When we got back to his place we sat in the living room singing along to the iPod (he is a great singer, i'm not too terrible either. ha!). We went to bed and laid down, but we were still singing (cheesy I know) but music is a big part of both of our lives and he finally just asked if I was going to "lay in his arms". We fell asleep snuggled up (we did not hook up, kiss, anything). The next morning he asked me to text him when I got home, to which I did and said I had a lot of fun. He replied back right away and said he did too. I'm attempting not to read too much into this or make a bigger deal than what it is, but I also don't want to misread anything. Does it seem like this may be a positive step in the right direction? Should I just keep going with it and moving slowly? Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
iceweasel6 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 A little update to where I last left off...(you can check my last post on here to catch up to speed). I did read your previous posts to get an idea of the background of the story. From what I read, his actions point towards him being not all that clued in what's going on. Confusion would be the word that I would use to describe his current state. I was with a friend of mine so she and I went ahead with our plans for the evening but while I was at dinner he text me and said to come see him at work. I picked him up some food (not at his request) That was very thoughtful of you. As a guy myself, that screams "this person is sweet, thoughtful and definitely not selfish as she has thought of me while she was having lunch with friends. He said thanks for bringing him food and when I went to leave, he asked for a hug and told me I smelled really good. (irrelevant details but important to me i suppose) Then about 40 minutes later I received another text saying thank you (not necessary, but I thought it was sweet) He acknowledged your act of kindness which is good to see. A few days later he text me and invited me to go out with him and a friend of his. I went and it was a really good time. He seemed to be flirting, telling me and his friend that I have "the sexiest eyes" (he wasn't drunk) and then texting me from across the table sending flirty texts. The next morning he asked me to text him when I got home, to which I did and said I had a lot of fun. He replied back right away and said he did too. The two quotes above are actually very good. He didn't jump all over you or try to seduce you in bed. Moreover, he respected you and your body by just sleeping with you in bed. I think so far these are all good signs. I'm sure you don't want him back just physically - you want him as a person. I'm attempting not to read too much into this or make a bigger deal than what it is, but I also don't want to misread anything. Does it seem like this may be a positive step in the right direction? Should I just keep going with it and moving slowly? Here's the deal. You seem like you do know yourself very well. I'm sure you sessions with a counsellor helped extremely. When it comes to reconciliation, unfortunately there is no manual (would be nice to have one). It's not a complicated process, and while you would logically believe that it's going to be like when you all first met, it's may not. This time around it's about a choice - does he allow himself to open up to you? Once that choice is made - in the positive direction - the process of reconciliation can begin. You have done the right things - openly placed your emotions on the table, told him how you feel for him, and what you want from him. You can do no more - besides re-clarifying your desires. I do not believe your are reading into things too much or making a bigger deal than what it is - but I do think you need to take a step back a little and let him sort out what he wants - specifically if he wants the same from you. Before you take the step back, tell him. I'm sure you can find your own wording, but include elements of how you feel about him, what you want, don't want to move faster than he wants, that you respect him as a person and his decisions, that if he would like you can give him space to decide if he wants to work things out with you and have a fresh start. I hope things work out for you, as you have clearly been doing all the right things during your time apart. Rely on that strength as you move forward. BTW - the crying when drunk, and telling him you love him is not a bad thing. It's the truth. Best of luck.
Author i made a mess Posted June 30, 2011 Author Posted June 30, 2011 Thank you so much Iceweasel. I truely appreciate you taking the time to read previous posts and give a thorough answer. I think you offer some valuable insight and advice, and I can't thank you enough. I've been on this forum for about 7 or 8 months now and while I agree with some of the teachings of NC, I don't believe that there is a "one size fits all" answer to every relationship conundrum we find ourselves in. If we're all waiting for the ex to come back, shouting from the rooftop, I want you and no one else, I messed up...well, we'd all be waiting a looooong time then wouldn't we? I for one don't believe in that. If I were on the opposite end, I'd be feeling the other person out too. I wouldn't go diving back in. For my ex and I's situation, there was no fighting, no cheating, no violence. Just a guy who really liked a girl that was scared to death to open up. Guy gives up, disappears, girl realizes she hurt someone she loves more than anything, gets help, guy misses girl, calls and is now trying to figure out if he can take a leap of faith or not. Meanwhile...said girl is anxious and overanalyzes everything and it causes her to be more clingy to the guy. (Working on that!) I'll be as patient as I have to and I'm learning the value of having a secure sense of self and attachment. To answer your question, yes, I want more than the physical with him. I want all of him. Mind, body, and most importantly, soul. He's worth it. I'm worth it. We both deserve to be incredibly happy, and if not with eachother, with someone who shares the same love we have for one another. I've been reading a book called "Attached." about adult relationship attachment theories. It's pretty spot on and I highly recommend it to everyone. Even my therapist is ordering it to read and suggest to her other patients (I referred HER to the book. ha!) But it discusses anxious, avoidant, and secure attachments. Very indepth, and I found myself saying OMG, that's exactly what I do! THere's not necessarily a right or wrong to your attachment style it says, but it helps you identify your triggers and helps you understand what to do, what not to do, and the type of person you should date. I really enjoyed it!
iceweasel6 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Your absolutely welcome. I do believe that NC has one purpose - to give you space and time to get over your ex, heal you, and move on. But once you have the clarity of thought, organized feelings and presence of mind to reconcile, sitting around and waiting isn't going to make it happen. The NC has allowed you to learn, grow, and get to a point where your confident and secure enough to say "hey, I've been doing some thinking, and this is what I would like". Additionally, NC allowed you to get to a place where you are ok if you ex says "yes" or "no". It's not that you don't care, or have become aloof, it's just that your willing to accept the limitations of your efforts and the autonomy of the other individual. As for the book your reading......I recently read it, and it's Amazing. I can't stop recommending it to anyone who needs insight into human behavior as a theory to explain patterns. It's so insightful and helps bring a deep understanding to superficial relationship dynamics. Just an amazing book. If you have a chance - check out Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone. It was originally written for Harvard Law and Business school, but has since taken a life of it's own and has become the go to book on negotiation techniques that transcend the board room, court room and apply to relationships (intimate and familial) as well as professional and social relationships. It basically gives you the skill to navigate the minefield during difficult conversations and make it to the other side as gracefully as possible. Just an amazing book. The next book is the Intimacy Factor by Pia Mellody and Lawrence S. Freundlich. Its a book that guides the reader through the process of developing deeper understanding and connection with your significant other through self love. I'm a guy, and these books are just amazing in terms of insight, personal growth, development, and understanding. Just a wealth of knowledge. Stay calm and cool, things will work out just fine. Believe it, and it will. The trick is not to expect it to work out the way you want it to - but it will work out. Sit back and relax for a bit and enjoy the process.
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