TurningTables Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Hi all. The more I read, its the same story, over and over again. How the heck do we as strong, smart, independant women find ourselves in these types of situtations? Its so frustrating!!! Any thoughts? And yes, Im typing it out here instead of texting or emailing my xmm and yelling to the top of my lungs at him! lol Week 2 of NC=Anger stage!
BB07 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 For myself...........poor boundaries and some issues from a rocky childhood. I still have difficulty in finding the right balance of owing my own shyte and putting it on the asshat who conned me. I've not found the right place in the line yet.
MissBee Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 For myself...........poor boundaries and some issues from a rocky childhood. I still have difficulty in finding the right balance of owing my own shyte and putting it on the asshat who conned me. I've not found the right place in the line yet. Ditto. I think that it is wrongfully assumed that because one is intelligent, book smart, great at your career etc. that you also have good relationship habits and skills and have no problems with boundaries and other emotional and psychological things. When evidently, it is not so. Good relationship habits are learned. Some people are fortunate enough to have had great examples and therefore grow up pretty well adjusted and skilled in that regard, many more others are not so fortunate, even coming from "stable, happy homes". It often takes going through life and embarking on relationships for you to learn just how good or poor your relationship skills in fact are and where your self perception lies and what are your underlying beliefs about yourself, love and life. That is when you get slapped in the face sometimes to realize that you have some things to work on and that this area of your life needs some fine tuning or most times, demolishing and starting over with entirely new beliefs and habits.
MissBee Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 For me I would just kinda say its bad luck.. (and of course a growing process) I used to pick unideal men, in decent situations. Last couple situations I have picked great men and bad situations. Last boyfriend had to go back to his country unexpected and rest of it is a long story. Yes, you will say I am NOT picking a great man but there is no one in the world who can change my mind on that one, sorry.. I have nothing to say about the man...but the bolded reaffirms my point that who we choose, and even the situations that seem to be luck, are in fact not bad luck...but choices and situations we attract because of our own subconscious beliefs and motivations. You have said enough here that points to that and remind me of my own issues and the common issues that women who "attract" unavailable men face. If you always have bad luck with men...regarding situations being wrong or that person being shady...it speaks to you and your beliefs more so than them. You can't control them but you being in the situation or being with them says a lot about you. I was always "unlucky" too and the victim of horrible fated circumstances Until I realized I in fact subconsciously gravitated towards these things for a reason and once I started unearthing those reasons, these "unlucky" things seemed to stop happening so much and it became obvious that I could in fact do something about it and it was no mistake at all. But I agree...it is a growing process.
heartinlove Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 hmmm. really good question. A childhood where love feels unavailable. Who knows. I thought I had done all the inner work on that one. Guess not. Right guy but totally unavailable due to the fact that he is married. Guess hes not so right after all. Other than that, like alot of women on here, Im actually really together. I guess I have more work to do.
MissBee Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 (edited) hmmm. really good question. A childhood where love feels unavailable. Who knows. I thought I had done all the inner work on that one. Guess not. Right guy but totally unavailable due to the fact that he is married. Guess hes not so right after all. Other than that, like alot of women on here, Im actually really together. I guess I have more work to do. And there is no shame in that. I think you see improvements overtime...like tests...where if the last guy was married, the next may not be but is some other type of unavailable...and so on and so forth as you continue to grow until you find a situation that is ideal for where you truly want to be. Your outside experiences fit your emotional landscape. I recently spotted a not so good scenario and ended it before it got too deep. I was proud of myself! I knew I had more work to do...but I knew I was leaps and bounds from where I was before as normally that situation would have gone on for the devil knows how long and I would have been blind and up to my neck in foolishness...but this time it got only to my knees before I realized "the water was NOT fine" and I opted out. It was hugely empowering and I almost feel excited to meet men to test myself about whether or not I have indeed grown, as I have ingested things mentally, but it's a difference between that and internalizing it and putting it into action. Edited June 27, 2011 by MissBee
Emme Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I think everyone basically has an idea of love. The relationships that we were in filled that emotion and even though it wasn't a true relationship it was true in our eyes. In the end it's a Me, myself and I issue.
jwi71 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Hi all. The more I read, its the same story, over and over again. How the heck do we as strong, smart, independant women find ourselves in these types of situtations? Its so frustrating!!! Any thoughts? And yes, Im typing it out here instead of texting or emailing my xmm and yelling to the top of my lungs at him! lol Week 2 of NC=Anger stage! How did you get "here"? Simple, you wanted to be here with each unique poster finding his/her own excuse to justify the decision. Repeatedly. The better question is....WHY did YOU allow this to come about? Because that is truly what happened.
Author TurningTables Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 How did you get "here"? Simple, you wanted to be here with each unique poster finding his/her own excuse to justify the decision. Repeatedly. The better question is....WHY did YOU allow this to come about? Because that is truly what happened. Hi jwi...I am not sure what you are asking me? lol I came to LS to find some answers when I found myself in doubt. I found a great community with loads of information. Yes, some posters are harsh, but they have LIVED it. I have seen what A's do to both sides of the situation.It has opened my eyes to what was going on. What my original post was about is how did I and others ( who seems to be sound of mind and great women) find themselves trapped and in love with MM. For me, he was my best friend. I was never attracted to him in that sort of way for over 20 years. I have examined what it was. I think that I was more emotionally and mentally attracted than anything. He challenged me, made me think and most importantly, made me feel special. Truth be told, he was my drug and I was his. Instead of working what we needed to in our lives, we just used each other as a crutch. Never again will I make that mistake. I will be running for the hills if I ever cross a MM ( and I dont care if he is separated or not) until that ink is dry from the divorce papers. lol Lesson Learned for this one.
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