I miss him

[sun_moon]

The weekends, at night, solitary long drives, they are all hard.

 

Anger comes and goes, I recall things, and yet with all the logic in my mind, I still miss him.

 

When will this stop? Its been over 3 months. I am living my life as best as I can, reading, posting, going out with friends, hobbies, with all this, it still creeps up.

 

Recently, I have been staying away from LS, because lately I've been feeling overwhelmed. Its as if I am reliving my torment after having an ok mood, and ok day, and ok week, or anything positive happening. I get a jolt or sting when I come on here and I get a glimpse of sadness, like its rehashing a wound that I'm trying to heal.

 

NC STILL GOING STRONG!

 

I miss him, I am sad, but my day will go on.

[EgoJoe]

Same here. Not so angry right now. I'm living in acceptance at the moment...realizing that she was young and that we both kept hurting each other.

 

Learned my lesson about stressing a stressed out girl.

[Mack05]

Sun moon if you break NC there is no hope for the rest of this site :-)...I promise tomorrow (when I am sober) to reply with more beneficial advice ;-). Your a legend girl..

[california15]

Stay strong!

 

I really really miss my ex too, and also have to do long drives where it seems like its all I can think about! And yes! Nights and weekends suck. But You're not alone.

 

Don't break down now!! You're and encouragement to the rest of us!

 

NC

[sun_moon]

Hello all,

 

Thanks for the positive vibes. While I do/did miss him today (I'm so glad this day is coming to a close ), I never intended or wanted to break NC, just missing him, the memories, etc.

 

I had some family issues today, funny how sad moments or really happy ones, all they do is just knock you down a bit further, because the first reaction is, oh how I would love to share this with him. However, YOU CANNOT. Not ever. Not with the ex anyway. Crappy day, YAY ITS OVER! hehhehe

 

My friends tell me I'm doing relatively well, I love their encouragement.

 

Still hate nights and weekends, BLAH.

[sun_moon]

Speaking of NC, he called me last night. Naturally, I didnt pick up.

 

I got 2 texts an hour later, he seemed agitated.

 

"Is it truly that hard to reach you."

"I cal, I text, I just don't know what it will take to reach you"

 

I left it alone and just continued to surf on LS and talk to friends.

 

**** YOUR BREADCRUMBS!!!

 

Mind you, he still owes me money, and he reassured me when he had it he would put it in my account (upon my request) That day, over 2 weeks ago, I vowed to my friends, to myself and to LS, that I will not pursue the money any more, its not conducive to my healing. I gave him CLEAR DIRECTIONS, and I left no mystery, he knows what he needs to do. He can no longer use this issue as a crutch. It brought me too much pain to think of him and to obsess over the conversation. I came to terms with this a few weeks ago, if I never see the money again, then my lack of respect plummets even further, and he will forever be in my memory with this lasting impression. He will have to live with it not me.

 

Ofcourse I miss him, ofcourse I still love him, and of course I'm curious. That wont change anything and it's not going to change the situation. I'm not going to break NC.

 

Last week, he sent me a text, the first one with sincerity and an ounce of pain. He basically admitted to being somewhere and sad I wasn't there with him to share it. He continued to tell me his future plans etc. Admittedly, I responded because his initial text was naming the place, in my confusion and curiosity and stupidness, I sent a ?

After he said his piece, and me not reciprocating, he asked how I was doing, and that's pretty much when I stopped the responding. I said good luck and everything is fine.

 

Here I am obsessing again, he is reaching out to me again. Probably, because I fed his breadcrumbs last week. His attempts are not enough and that train has long left the station a long time ago. I have accepted the demise of the relationship and I just wish I could stop missing him and stop being sad.

 

Due to the events of last night, I had a very vivid dream about him.

Showing my desires. He came to me in tears, completely broken down, admitting his faults and apologizing for all his douche-bag ways. Taking ownership to his faults and wishing things were different.

 

I wake up, back to reality, he will never apologize. And that is that.

 

Why did he ****ing call? WHY? WHY DO I CARE?

[Mack05]

You care sun moon because you have a huge emotional attachment to this guy. NC is best but god damn it, it's so hard! Everyone feels their situation is unique. Everyone wants to feel that they were part of something special, that their time, love and devotion was not wasted. After 3 months it's totally normal to still miss someone and have a wide range of emotions..

 

The fact you still yearn for him and miss him like you do means it's so important to stay NC. Breaking NC will leave you hurt and confused with probably even more questions. I noticed with me, everytime I thought I got closure there was always one more question that I would like answered.

 

If it's really important for him (maybe he wants to apologise etc etc) then he will continue to try contact you. At some stage you might have to sent a text saying please respect my wishes and leave me be. Of course there are a few occasions where the dumper wants you back after NC. Then things get really tricky as you have a battle between the mind and the heart.

 

I can't speak for you sun moon. I hate when people give you the advice "follow your heart"..It takes alot more then that to make a relationship work. People make excuses and kid themselves that if they go back things will be different because he or she has changed. Only to be confronted by new unforeseen problems. In the book getting past your break up the author describes in detail what a good relationship should be. People stay attached to toxic relationships for various different reasons but none of them are good one's...

 

The truth is if you were not compatible the first time, there is a VERY strong chance you are NOT compatible the second time. If you are sure you don't want him back then stay NC. You owe the guy nothing as he broke up with you. It's his loss and you are going to go on to bigger and better things..

Edited June 28, 2011 by Mack05

[sun_moon]

Actually Mack,

 

I was the dumper. I was telling EgoJoe how I feel as if I was the dumper and dumpee. I really don't want to rehash the details.

 

I ended it because I couldn't trust him, he didn't know how to treat me, and down right took me for granted. I got so tired of always fighting, crying, feeling invisible, not appreciated, etc etc, but trust was the biggest thing. I broke it off in March after a fight, before our anniversary, before my birthday, I was miserable. He convinced me like an idiot to keep contact, to be his friend, to work things through. Stupidly, because I love/loved him, I wanted it and accepted it. He convinced me he could change, be more mature, a better man, a better boyfriend. I agreed to communicate as friends, slowly he started winning me back. When I was finally convinced we can work through this rough patch, and we can '"fix" (esp after he took care of me volunatrily after my wisdom teeth surgery) things, he detacched himself from me (a week after my surgery), he became distant and didnt want to talk anymore. I gave him the space he wanted and he kept telling me "I'm working on myself, trying to fix things, I dont want anyone else except you, I'm not seeing anyone, I'm very stressed and not ready to talk about anything, I will come to you when I'm ready"

 

Ironically, all I wanted was to tell him, lets try again, all or nothing, I cant be friends and I'm willing to reconcile, but he wouldn't talk to me long enough for me to start that conversation. I finally found out he was seeing someone, and while I knew that was the risk of breaking up, I blame him for lying to me about it. He blatantly told me, I'm calling you to tell you there is no one else,I need space to fix things, I will contact you soon.

 

I ended up feeling deceived and betrayed. That is when I went NC and left him alone. He also knows that his action after one small month of break up, him rebounding with another girl, hit the nail in the coffin. He lied, it took him one month, and I wanted to die. I expressed to him that I was trying to get back together and he blew it with his lies and deceit. He strung me along for a long time, knowing I wanted to talk, little did I know it was because he was dating someone else.

 

He made things worse, a few days/week after initial news, he tells me he's happy with her, it was my fault he was with her, I pushed him to her, she's everything I'm not, she's great to him, blah blah blah, rubbing it in my face, like he wanted to intentionally hurt me. How can he even blame me for his emotional weakness, how is it my fault he cant be alone. I'm doing it the hard way BY MYSELF. I wanted to die again, NC was my salvation. That day was one of my lowest days.

 

Fast forward to now and the past 2 months. How can he pretend everything is ok. Did he forget all he did and say?

He will never apologize, he will never own up to his faults. I can own up to them, and I have. Nothing excuses lying and I have no tolerance for it.

 

Wow Mack, I said I dont want to rehash and look at all this.....it stings to think about it while I type it, but I am strong, will continue to be strong.

 

My friends and EgoJoe tend to think, he's reaching out because he wants me back. I dont think so. I agree with the established members on this forum, if someone wants you back, they will send you clear signs they want you back, they will notify you no matter what it takes they want you back. What he's doing is breadcrumbs. I dont want him back. His last torment and action proved to me once and for all his character, and its not someone/something I want.

All I desire is remorse and an apology, but I know deep down I will never get it. I know how he is, he is in such deep denial, its not even funny. He is his own worst enemy.

I dont know his relationship status, and I could care less about the hoar he is or not with.

The week side of me thinks, he is seeing the error of his ways and is possibly wanting to apologize, but he was never ever good at that, so I'm not gonna sit here and de code his bull **** half attempts every week.

 

I agree Mack, following my heart for 2 years got me to more heartache and a but load of disappointment, it takes real work and compatibility to make a relationship work, got tired of being the only one.

 

I don't know if his constant attempts mean anything besides breadcrumbs, but if he does want to appear decent, he needs to come out and just say it, I want to talk to you seriously, to express some things, to apologize, but he is not.

 

I thought about telling him to leave things alone, but he doesn't listen. When he ripped my heart out for the last time (when he was rubbing it in about the girl), he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore and he was happy, and I said NO, I don't want to talk to YOU anymore, don't contact me anymore. Did he forget the painful words he said, did he forget what I said??

 

My silence is the route I'm choosing, perhaps I will change my mind down the road.

[Mack05]

 

I thought about telling him to leave things alone, but he doesn't listen. When he ripped my heart out for the last time (when he was rubbing it in about the girl), he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore and he was happy, and I said NO, I don't want to talk to YOU anymore, don't contact me anymore. Did he forget the painful words he said, did he forget what I said??

 

My silence is the route I'm choosing, perhaps I will change my mind down the road.

 

Sunmoon after reading this then I would urge you stay NC and never contemplate taking this man back. There is a lot I could say about that kind of behaviour, but you know this already. What tends to happen after a few months is that you miss the person and tend to focus on the positive side of the relationship and the person. That's only natural.

 

I do think people can change (I truly believe I have), but they should show these changes with someone new. Trying to re-establish trust, love, respect after a breakup like this is practically impossible. Sure the honeymoon period is great when you get back together. But both of you are working so hard to make things right and learn from the previous mistakes then it's no longer natural. Then after the honeymoon period you notice problems occuring which you hadn't planned for..

 

Sunmoon I don't believe after reading your story that you are compatible with this guy and I fail to see how breaking NC will help either of you..In this instance if he keeps persisting, I would send him a short and to the point text. "I think its best we stay no contact"..

 

It's ok to miss him, that's natural. These feelings will pass in time. Your doing great, an inspiration to many people on this site.

[AlisaMarie]

Sun moon, you hang in there friend! Reading your story it my heart hard because my ex did the same thing. We had on and off again love forever! There was ALWAYS another girl involved, and yes, he lied and denied. I took breadcrumbs too. Any little piece of hope I would hold tight to. Screw that! Then it happened, he went beyond breadcrumbs around xmas time. Came to my house with gifts begging for forgiveness, wanting me back. Denying "her" because they were just friends but she wanted more. That's funny, because 6 months later, he left again... apparently they are looking for a place together and you know what? WHATEVER! 2 years of my life wasted. All the hard work to help him in his life, provided a place for him and his 1 year old son to live, being a nanny with benefits... then POOF she gets to reap the benefits. I wish them a wonderful life. I am better than that and so are you! Ahhhh... thank you for the vent.

[sun_moon]

I have no intention of breaking NC. My only constant has been LS and my family/friends. Yes I miss him but one day it will stop. The only thing I am contemplating is if he continues every week like he has been, If I should send a quick don't contact me message. I'm not at that point yet because I'm angry and he needs to suffer in silence. I don't think I'm going to get the money, I think he's going to keep using it as a crutch and I need to not allow it.

I'm going to keep hurting but it's not at a waste. While I personally grow he's going to be stuck, as long as he holds on to blind arrogance, pride, and denial, he will continue to be his own worst enemy.

I know he still loves me but the damage is done and he needs to fix himself for his future. PERIOD.

I will continue on my self improvement and one day I will stop hurting and later on I will be ready for healthy relationship with a man who isn't dark and broken.

[hearttopieces]

I have no intention of breaking NC. My only constant has been LS and my family/friends. Yes I miss him but one day it will stop. The only thing I am contemplating is if he continues every week like he has been, If I should send a quick don't contact me message. I'm not at that point yet because I'm angry and he needs to suffer in silence. I don't think I'm going to get the money, I think he's going to keep using it as a crutch and I need to not allow it.

I'm going to keep hurting but it's not at a waste. While I personally grow he's going to be stuck, as long as he holds on to blind arrogance, pride, and denial, he will continue to be his own worst enemy.

I know he still loves me but the damage is done and he needs to fix himself for his future. PERIOD.

I will continue on my self improvement and one day I will stop hurting and later on I will be ready for healthy relationship with a man who isn't dark and broken.

 

sun_moon you are an inspiration to me

[sun_moon]

Awe, thank you! You made my night hearttopieces.