ncole1987 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I hope somebody can help me with some advice becasue right now I'm going through hell. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. A year ago he went home becasue he got a job there. He lives on a different continent and it's not easy to visit each other, flights are really expensive etc, so we've only seen each other for 3 weeks the past year -when he came to visit. I was supposed to go visit him a few months ago but i got a new job and now can't take time off until August and we're planning my visit. The thing is I'm not sure I want to go or if I want the relationship anymore. When we are together it is quite stressful. the first year was great although he did have his ex girlfriend calling him constantly (i mean 20 times a day) and he kept answering becasue he said he felt guilty about leaving her. I got really angry becasue I thought it was cruel to let her think they had a future and sometimes I thought they did have a future and I was just company while he was here. When he went home for summer she would sign into his IM and talk to me pretending to be him. He refused to change his passwords-she was also signing into his email and reading my emails (I found this out becasue I logged into his emails and found out that they were discussing one email I had sent him). Anyway I finally confronted her and she basically told me that she was just hurt and obsessed and going a bit crazy (they were also having DVD nights just the 2 of them almost every night that summer-he said he felt guilty) Then he came back for a job here and he was under a lot of stress becasue he found it quite difficult, the pay wasn't good and he was struggling to pay rent-I loaned him money twice-which he paid back almost immediately-but i only had a part time job and I found it quite stressful that I might have to give him money for rent. He was also being bullied at work and he felt helpless becasue he couldn't do anything about it. He took this all out on me. During this whole time our realtionship was very intense. we had great times and he really looked after me and we seemed to exclude everyone else. we just wanted to be alone. we also fought a lot mostly over things i've mentioned above. I never got on so well with anyone before but also I always had it in the back of my mind tht he would leave eventually to go home. Last year he was offered a job back home which he didnt decide to take straight away. he went home for summer and told me he couldnt make a decision. I told him if he wasnt coming back then I wanted to break up_he said he wanted to get married eventually and wanted us to stay together. So he decided to take the job which is related to his job here except pays better and he can save and come back here to work and study. So that's what we planned. However he is constantly angry and seems to take it out on me which is hard when all you have is phonecalls and IM and Skype. I've gotten to a point where I feel so sad and anxious about his anger that I feel like I dont love him anymore. He always tells me that he is breaking up with me but then he acts as though nothing happened -he says that he gets angry and forgets about it afterwards whereas I hold onto it. This happened during the week again and this time i told him i wanted to not talk to him again becasue i couldn't cope anymore. Then 2 days later he called saying was I just going to leave him without telling him-he was angry and hurt and said he loved me more than anything and i just needed to be patient and he would work hard and look after me when he was able to. But i was firm and told him i thought it was better to break up. he was upset but he told me to take a break and call him when i was ready and to still visit him. I missed him so much the next day that I called him but immediately thought it was a mistake and told him i wanted to break up for good. I didnt sleep all last night thinking about it and being stressed out. We spoke this morning and he said it was ok that i was just angry and we just needed to be together. But i dont even have the energy to speak to him anymore-its extremely stressful. yet I still miss him and what we had. But the thought of going to see him fills me with absolute dread. I don't know what to do and cant ask anyone else. I hope someone can give me advice or if they've been in a similar situation. Is what I'm feeling normal before a breakup and when do you know when its the time to break up. Thank you for reading such a long post.
usabup Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Hey! Well, in my opinion, you have gotten to the point of no return. 1. You said in your thread that his anger has made you fall out of love with him and 2. The thought of seeing him fills you with dread. They are two reason's why you have to end the relationship in my view. How could you possibly be in a relationship with someone you don't love anymore and are scared of seeing? That's not right for either of you and not healthy either. Its natural to miss somebody and the thought of not seeing them again is probably a little scary. But those feelings will pass in time and you will feel better. ; Just my two cents.
EgoJoe Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 My ex said some similar things. No energy etc. too We were LDR So...I don't know... Perhaps all of the stress and fights came down hard on your Relationship. I'd say give it time and space etc. But you MUST clearly define this to a guy because I went almost crazy with unclear boundaries and definitions from my Ex.
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