GG3 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 My ex and I were together for about 4.5 years. We split up in October because we just could not get along and effort was not being put into the relationship. My ex is admittedly selfish. During that time, he tried to date another girl. It sounds like they really tried to start a relationship. But he broke up with her because he just wasn't that into her. They went out on dates of course and it sounds like they found a few activities to do together and she came along with him and his friends. They broke up and a few months later he and I have tried to kind of work things out - we are together and committed but trying to work out our kinks...issues in our relationship. I am certain he is telling the truth about her. That they have broken up. He talks to me on the phone every night and texts all the time. I have seen her in person and I do not feel that she is very attractive nor does she have a personality that I find appealing...I don't feel threatened by her. One of our issues is that he likes to be with his friends a LOT. As in not making being with a woman a priority. He has decided that he either needs to be or wants to stay friends with her. I have not seen him this weekend because he has wanted to do guy things. And today he wanted to go golf with her and another guy friend instead of be with me. Okay. He wants to golf. I lived with it. But I just found out that since they live near each other, he picks her up and they ride to golf together. I think I just had my fill. Maybe I am just a jealous person? But I don't like it. I could live with that he wants to stay friends with her but do they really have to even ride to golf together like a date? Maybe if I was getting the attention this weekend that I wanted I wouldn't feel this way. What do you guys think? I don't want to be a controlling b*. But maybe this situation just isn't for me. I'd like to add that my ex is a very jealous person and that if I was trying to stay friends with someone I dated and that person was picking me up and we went running around together he would be very upset.
Rinas Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 If I was trying to stay friends with someone I dated and that person was picking me up and we went running around together he would be very upset. If this is how he feels, it should be the same for you. Double standards are not fair. I would not feel comftorable being with someone who "needed" to keep his/her ex in their life. If they are frequently together it is likely that one of them still harbors feelings. Not a situation I would agree to be involved in.
Author GG3 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 If this is how he feels, it should be the same for you. Double standards are not fair. I would not feel comftorable being with someone who "needed" to keep his/her ex in their life. If they are frequently together it is likely that one of them still harbors feelings. Not a situation I would agree to be involved in. He is not the type to be able to empathize unless I went out and did that to him. I have an ex that I truly am friends with who would like to do dinner and I am seriously considering hanging out even just as friends just letting my ex go. Might as well go hang out with someone who wants to hang out with me and respect me. My ex "needs" to be friends with her because he likes to feel like he wasn't a bad guy. He wants to feel like she thinks he's a nice guy. Because their breakup was not mutual. She was really pissed and hurt. He is very insecure like that. I say Okay I've known him for years and I know he's like this and I don't want to be controlling but I think riding together to this activity is just unnecessary and not really moving on.
pattiech Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 This is so like my situation! My bf hangs out with his ex as he feels he doesn't want her to think badly of him for being the mian one who broke off their relationship. She agreed it was for the best though he says she was really cut up about it for ages. They are now together at a festival and the thought is driving me crazy. Why do men feel they have to keep their ex close by to make them feel better about themselves? Can it ever be truly innocent or are men who do this always harbouring some feelings for their ex?
Author GG3 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Can it ever be truly innocent or are men who do this always harbouring some feelings for their ex? I can't speak for too many guys because I have only seen this a few times. In some cases I think it's to keep options around. I think there really are some nice guys out there who just like to stay friends and truly be friends with them and it means nothing. And then there is my ex and it sounds like yours that wants her to still like him (as a nice guy) because he rejected her. I think a big part of that is because she is a friend of one of his friends. He feels less uncomfortable if the group hangs out and she shows up or he doesn't worry about her badmouthing dirty laundry to their mutual friends, crap like that. When the guy did the breaking up, I don't really think they harbour secret feelings. I just get sick of stuff like this. Because he is more worried about her feelings than mine. So now I'm sitting here feeling like crap, but making sure she still sees him as a nice guy is more important.
Author GG3 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 I also feel annoyed because I just feel disrespected. So he wants to go golf with her fine. But ride together? Really?
pattiech Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 In some cases I think it's to keep options around. When the guy did the breaking up, I don't really think they harbour secret feelings. I agree with the options theory. You know my b/f's ex is hot - as a girl I KNOW she is attractive. She gets a lot of attention from guys and from what I've heard she doesn't sleep around or anything like that. But she can't be that great if she hangs out with her ex whilst he's in a r/s can she? I'm confident with the way I look but I do think that men may need to keep a few girls hanging on so they are sure they pick the right one. I have always been a very trusting person, rarely jealous but there's something about my situation that is making my blood boil. I think women have good instincts and can just tell when soemthing's not quite right... Even if a guy breaks up with a girl her may decide later on that he wants to be with her again. There - we have the RIGHT to feel jealous if soemthing deep down is telling us to. Its just you got to know when to trust your feelings
make me believe Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Why did you get back together with him? After 4.5 years of dating he doesn't seem to treat you very well & you don't seem very happy with him, so why are you putting up with it? I agree with Rinas, the double standard he has is very troubling. If it is ok for him to do something, it is ok for you to do it too. Boundaries need to be discussed and agreed upon as a couple, not one person saying "x is ok for me to do but not for you". That's ridiculous. I think he wants the security of having a "girlfriend" that he doesn't have to see very often & can string along indefinitely, while also having the freedom of a single guy. Why do men feel they have to keep their ex close by to make them feel better about themselves? I've NEVER been with a man who did this because I simply wouldn't put up with it. You are choosing to accept his behavior, so either accept it fully (and don't complain about it) or dump him. His ex's feelings are more important to him than yours. Is this really what you want from a boyfriend?
Enchanted Girl Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Wow. You guys are both focused on the wrong things. This guy sounds exactly like my ex. Selfish, always choosing everything else above me, me having no trust in him, me dating him for five years. DUMP HIM. You are better off without him. If this ex wasn't here, he'd still be neglecting you. He'd still be choosing other people above you. It's a symptom of his personality that makes him behave this way. Not this girl. Not this special situation. My ex has a new girlfriend and I feel so sorry for her. As you say, you know this guys personality. You know that he'll always keep doing these things. It's because he's not committed to you and he's never going to be. And this new girlfriend of my ex's, I wish I could tell her how it works with him. She thinks of me as the enemy because I am the ex, but I am on her side. I feel no jealousy, only pity. And this basic advice goes for both of you. Don't blame the girl. Don't blame yourself. Blame the *******. He's the one doing all this crap. He's the problem here. My current boyfriend is amazing. He never makes me feel neglected, he doesn't make me feel jealous, I can trust him, he makes me a priority, and I don't have to twist his arm for him to do any of it. Dump these guys before the smart women take all the guys like my boyfriend. You're wasting your time.
Author GG3 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 My current boyfriend is amazing. He never makes me feel neglected, he doesn't make me feel jealous, I can trust him, he makes me a priority, and I don't have to twist his arm for him to do any of it. Dump these guys before the smart women take all the guys like my boyfriend. You're wasting your time. Thanks. I decided that I don't care. My other ex who I have stayed friends with for years and am truly just friends with wants to meet up. I'm going. And I'm forgetting about this situation. It is what it is. Why make some a priority that clearly isn't making me one.
Enchanted Girl Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Thanks. I decided that I don't care. My other ex who I have stayed friends with for years and am truly just friends with wants to meet up. I'm going. And I'm forgetting about this situation. It is what it is. Why make some a priority that clearly isn't making me one. Good! I fully support this decision. Never make someone a priority who won't do the same for you.
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