Mr. Savage Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 (edited) Been broke up for about 2 months after she said she needed a break and wasn't ready for a relationship yet (she just came out of a divorce). We kept in touch for a little while (text, ocassional talk) for the first month or so before I decided to try NC. I cracked after a week and we texted again but I could tell she was sending canned short answers and not very interested so last week I decided to go NC again and I am sticking with it this time! We work in the same building so I see her ocasionally but keep my distance. The HARDEST thing is when she moved out from her husbands place she rented a house 3 blocks away from me (it seemed like a great idea at the time when we were dating and going strong). So when I leave my house everyday I can see hers and I know I am going NC but I can't help myself to not look over there when I drive by. For the last 2 months its always just been her car parked outside but the last 2 nights there has been another car parked out there next to hers and I am pretty sure it is a car of another guy from where we work. It bothers me that I automatically assume she is in there with him doing something. I'm not even 100% sure its even a guys car, it could be a girlfriend of hers. She was VERY adament about not wanting to be involved with anyone right now. Why do I assume the worst right off the bat?! She could just be letting someone crash their for a bit or anything but I automatically picture her being with someone else. It's torture beccause I am sticking to my NC guns but I wanna know sooooooo bad whose car that is and what is going on. Edited June 26, 2011 by Mr. Savage
usabup Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I know exactly what you mean....I am about to write a post on exactly the same thing
wny Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Recognize you are still infatuated with this person, which is why you are compelled to have some level of obsession about who they are with, what they are doing, and especially whether they are having a grand ole time while you sit in misery. In my experience, our minds are excellent at conjuring up devastating horror shows that would rival the best big screen productions. You are framing everything through your lens of despair and disappointment: I have not moved on with my feelings towards this person --> I am compelled to look at her house and car --> If she seems to be alone, maybe she has not moved on with her feelings --> There is another car in the driveway --> That must mean she has moved on --> She must have lied to me about not wanting a relationship with someone else --> That car belongs to her new boyfriend, prove me wrong --> She has moved on and is happy with her new boyfriend --> I see her doing him in my mind's eye --> Why is she tormenting me with this --> She is happy and I am suffering.... And it goes right on from there. Often what starts as suspicion gravitates into "I just now it's true" and then you spin over all of your feelings "knowing" she is with someone else. But nine times out of ten, those suspicions are wrong. It turns out to be her brother or a friend, and you then feel "relief" until you see the next car. But you ultimately are still in the same place you were before you knew. But what if you are right? What does it really matter at this point -- you are just torturing yourself. You need to work towards moving on and realize that when you do, you won't give a s*it who is parked in her driveway.
Author Mr. Savage Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Wow, that hit the nail right on the head! Thanks! How you stated that kinda reminds me of how rumors you hear always become so over eggerated as they get passed down the line. Our minds are very good at making things up.
LeadingEdgeLea Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 It sounds like you don't believe that she doesn't want a relationship. You're acting like she rejected you. Either way you should just forget about her and focus on something else or else you'll just drive yourself crazy.
Author Mr. Savage Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 It sounds like you don't believe that she doesn't want a relationship. You're acting like she rejected you. Either way you should just forget about her and focus on something else or else you'll just drive yourself crazy. Deep down I really believe she is telling me the truth about not wanting a realationship right now. Things can happen though. Nothing is set in stone.
wny Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Wow, that hit the nail right on the head! Thanks! How you stated that kinda reminds me of how rumors you hear always become so over eggerated as they get passed down the line. Our minds are very good at making things up. It's amazing what we cook up and then we hear what was really going on and feel foolish... all that wasted time spinning things in your head and anxiety. It's a clear sign to get busy working on yourself instead of worrying about the ex. That's also why it's rough when you still have even indirect contact with an ex. I have a friend who spends time staring at Google Latitude (the ex forgot to cut it off) watching where so and so is and wondering what they must be doing. It's torture, yet they can't stop. One day I am going to get the phone away and take special measures myself. We are all self-aware, so it is possible to stop, but you have to make that commitment to yourself that you deserve a better life that this. The next step down this spiral is searching through the ex's trash or "bumping" into them. I guarantee neither will miraculously revive an ended relationship. When I feel horribly upset and there is nobody around to comfort me, I get out and exercise. It combats the negative brain chemistry and helps work some of this awful baggage out of your system. It can be hard to get started when you feel low, but keep pushing yourself to work on yourself. After all, you can't find a new healthy relationship if you are unhealthy.
lalalandman Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Whatever she tells you is most likely the EXACT opposite. Trust me.
Author Mr. Savage Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Whatever she tells you is most likely the EXACT opposite. Trust me. Could you be more specific Lalalandman? Is this assesment from personal experience? Just curious.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Could you be more specific Lalalandman? Is this assesment from personal experience? Just curious. obviously I'm not lalalandman, but from my experience.... she didn't want a relationship, she's dating my best friend 2 months later. she needed more alone time, she's been doing nothing but hang out with friends and her new boyfriend. she said she still loved me, obviously not, she broke up with me. (she said this after she dumped me) she wanted to be friends, she hasn't made any effort since the first week. she said she was 100% against drugs, now she's 100% into drugs. she didn't want to drink much because alcoholism runs in her family, guess who's an alcoholic now. oh and she also said that people who leave their significant other for one of their friends are total douchebags, guess she fits the category now lol.
lalalandman Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Could you be more specific Lalalandman? Is this assesment from personal experience? Just curious. It's just the way MOST chicks operate. That's why they have emotional issues, because they create all this baggage for themselves, from lying, creating a mental burden. At the same time, she doesn't want to hurt you by telling you the truth, but she doesn't want you to hear the truth and move on for good. Chicks lie dude. All the time. Sorry girls.
Author Mr. Savage Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 OMG She creates soooo much mental burden on herself its insane. Don't get me wrong she has had a hard life but she stresses over so much stuff to extreme measures. I'ts kinda weird like she almost doesn't want herself to be happy right now. I get the feeling that she knows she will be the "bad person" and I will be the victim if she just tells me the truth. But if she waits and I end up telling her flat out "it's over" then she can play the sad victim and feel more sorry for herself. This is just a theory for now, we'll see how this whole thing plays out in time.
wilsonx Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 obviously I'm not lalalandman, but from my experience.... she didn't want a relationship, she's dating my best friend 2 months later. she needed more alone time, she's been doing nothing but hang out with friends and her new boyfriend. she said she still loved me, obviously not, she broke up with me. (she said this after she dumped me) she wanted to be friends, she hasn't made any effort since the first week. she said she was 100% against drugs, now she's 100% into drugs. she didn't want to drink much because alcoholism runs in her family, guess who's an alcoholic now. oh and she also said that people who leave their significant other for one of their friends are total douchebags, guess she fits the category now lol. This is 100% true, just move forward with your life. It took me a week after she finally moved out to get these answers from my ex.
Author Mr. Savage Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I'm getting along well enough. Just little things I question like my OP. And if it really is totally over I want to know why. There has to be reasons and I don't care if it will hurt me or not I want the God's honest truth from her WHY!? Whatever it may be I would like to know so I can just close this chapter in my life.
fltc Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Deep down I really believe she is telling me the truth about not wanting a realationship right now. Things can happen though. Nothing is set in stone. I agree, she's telling you the truth about not wanting a relationship *WITH YOU* right now. That may or may not exclude anyone else.
Author Mr. Savage Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 (edited) Her marriage was over when I started dating her. No not on paper but I would never have approached if she was still in a marriage. I just didn't wait long enough. She did not cheat on her husband with me, they were seperated. Edited June 27, 2011 by Mr. Savage
lalalandman Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Dude it kind of pains me to hear the way you're justifying everything for her, and that you're having a hard time coming to grips with reality. Just let her go man, it's as simple as that. You don't need closure from her because she's just feeding you lies anyways, do you understand that? She's bull****ting you completely. I know listening to Homebrew is tough, but he's pretty much spot on. He's not attacking you in any way so don't take it personally. But she's lying to you dude. Remember what I said about this right? Don't let her get the best of you man.
Author Mr. Savage Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I'm not taking it personally, just clarifying things a bit. I know he means well. I'm just gonna try to take things one day at a time and keep moving forward. I appreciate all the help guys!
Author Mr. Savage Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 I am going to move on with my life. I feel like I have learned a life time of dating knowledge from this experience which is good for the future. What if she breaks NC down the road and wants to talk to me and such? Should I just ignore her? How would you guys go about it? Mind you this is someone I see at work everyday. Man I think I broke like every un-written rule of dating. I dated a girl from work who was just coming out of a marriage! Talk about a life lesson there
Author Mr. Savage Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Also going NC with someone you work with is very tough. Because although I have no problem with not talking to that person, it's like if they catch you looking at them, that one look, can tell them right there that you are not as comfortable with the situation as you are trying to be. Something to work on I guess.
greeneyedgirl613 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 some women say they "dont want a relationship right now" because they dont want to tell you the real reason...maybe something that bugs her about you..another man...ect.. just try to forget about her, time heals.
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