miss d Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I am new to this forum, and would appreciate any support ya'll can give. I have been seeing my MM for almost a year and a half now. He works in my town, so he's here during the week, but goes home to another state on the weekends. He was honest with me from the start, that he was married, and I was stupid enough to get involved. He and I get along so well, and have a connection that I haven't experienced with anyone else. At first, I enjoyed the freedom of this relationship. I was free to do whatever I wanted on the weekends. Now I just miss him. He has 3 kids, 2 of which are grown, and 1 that is in high school. He tells me that he's planning on leaving, but things have to be just so before he can. He doesn't want anyone to find out that he's having an affair, because that would make him "the bad guy." He says they don't sleep in the same room anymore, and haven't in a long time. So now for the complicating factor....I'm 7 months pregnant with his child. He keeps saying he knows things need to change, and he will be here for us, but I just don't know. I'm sitting here alone, upset, hormonal, and wishing I had made some other decisions earlier in this relationship. I love him, and he loves me, I have no doubt about that. But I don't know if he will really follow through with leaving, and being with me and his baby. I had contemplated an abortion, but couldn't go through with it. I'm not sorry I chose to keep the baby, but I know this is going to be extremely difficult, whatever the ultimate outcome. I was just hoping for some support and advice, anything is appreciated.
quankanne Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 sorry to hear how things are working out for you ... but you're not alone, not by a long shot *hugs* now, I'm not pushing religion on you by any means, but if you find yourself in dire straits, even emotionally, check to see if any churches in your area offer ministry to women who are pregnant but without resources – The Gabriel Project is one that is specifically designed to do that, just call your local catholic church. These folks aren't there to judge but to give you a shoulder to lean on to help you through a crisis pregnancy. as for you partner, ah honey, I hate to suggest this, but it might be best to plan a life without him, and be happily surprised that he's able to be part of it, fully and completely, than to make plans that center around him and then have that fall through. It's not meant to be mean, just some cautionary advice to protect you as you go through this. He may not want to be mean or be considered the bad guy, but there's a baby involved ... a man worth his merit would step up, you know? Especially since his other kids are already old enough to function with minimal interaction from him since they're about to leave the nest anyhow ... just my two cents
quankanne Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 scarlett, the bashing isn't necessary – don't you think these things have already floated across her mind, if not her ears? My mama always said that if you can't say something nice, then don't bother saying anything ... because we're looking for solutions here, not adding to the problem.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 So how does he feel about you being pregnant? You didn't mention that. One would think he would be either freaking out MORE about the baby than the actual affair. An affair (many MM throw their OW under the bus) he can 'deny' but getting you pregnant is a whole other ball game. Did you two plan this or was it an accident? No birth control or did the condom break? Typical MM lie, "I don't have sex with my wife.." "We sleep in separate bedrooms.." "Yes, I AM leaving, one day, when the timing is right..I don't want to be the bad guy" otherwise meaning, "I don't want to be caught and have to face the consquences and fallout of my selfish choices." His wife is going to be devastated when she finds out about the child and the affair. Expect a paternity test.. Get to therapy/counselling to help you cope with all this.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I am entitled to my opinion i dont like homewreckers and people that go after married men or women - i'll say what i like and if u dont like it report it - i find women like her repulsive - I wonder if you would be so nice if u were the wife or u had kids and there was some slut on the side ? hmm dont think so Yes you are entitled to your opinion. Harsh and reality check advice is cool to give as it is an eye opener..But to name call and be rude isn't nice. If you find her situation offensive and are repulsed by her choices, why bother even replying? I'm not defending her as she got herself into this messy situation and now an innocent (baby) child is on the way and life is not going to be easy.
Loni Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 You are 7 months pregnant. Your MM is clearly not leaving his wife or he would have done so under the circumstances. The most pragmatic advice I can give is that as soon as your baby is born you file for child support. His wife is going to find out about this and an affair is one thing but I don't think most women can get over a OC. If she files before you do that is going to lessen the amount you get for your child. To be perfectly blunt between alimony and child support to the current wife that is going to leave very little left over in the coffers for your baby unless he is an Arnold. The fact that this was not the brightest thing in the world for you to do (or him as it was 50% his responsibility) is not the point. You are about to have a whole new human being in a few weeks and that is what you need to focus on. Curious as to how he feels about this baby? What (if anything) has he arranged with regard to support or being there for you?
Loni Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I am entitled to my opinion i dont like homewreckers and people that go after married men or women - i'll say what i like and if u dont like it report it - i find women like her repulsive - I wonder if you would be so nice if u were the wife or u had kids and there was some slut on the side ? hmm dont think so Oh for the love of god pull the saliva back in your mouth. She did not get pregnant on her own. The man came inside her while married and if he gave a holy crap about what he was doing he would have used a condom. He is the one with most to lose (or not maybe). I find wives like you redirecting your crap peculiar.
blueroses10 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I am new to this forum, and would appreciate any support ya'll can give. I have been seeing my MM for almost a year and a half now. He works in my town, so he's here during the week, but goes home to another state on the weekends. He was honest with me from the start, that he was married, and I was stupid enough to get involved. He and I get along so well, and have a connection that I haven't experienced with anyone else. At first, I enjoyed the freedom of this relationship. I was free to do whatever I wanted on the weekends. Now I just miss him. He has 3 kids, 2 of which are grown, and 1 that is in high school. He tells me that he's planning on leaving, but things have to be just so before he can. He doesn't want anyone to find out that he's having an affair, because that would make him "the bad guy." He says they don't sleep in the same room anymore, and haven't in a long time. So now for the complicating factor....I'm 7 months pregnant with his child. He keeps saying he knows things need to change, and he will be here for us, but I just don't know. I'm sitting here alone, upset, hormonal, and wishing I had made some other decisions earlier in this relationship. I love him, and he loves me, I have no doubt about that. But I don't know if he will really follow through with leaving, and being with me and his baby. I had contemplated an abortion, but couldn't go through with it. I'm not sorry I chose to keep the baby, but I know this is going to be extremely difficult, whatever the ultimate outcome. I was just hoping for some support and advice, anything is appreciated. Has he supported you throughout your pregnancy? Gone to any appointments or helped out if you've been sick or needed him in general? Only you can tell if he is being supportive. Have you guys made a plan as to what will happen after the baby gets here? Will he inform his wife, do your family and friends know that the father is married? My best advice is to put your affairs in order so that your baby is taken care of. Will the father sign the birth certificate? I was in your predicament not long ago and to be honest, I still feel like I'm floundering in the wind on some issues. It hasn't been easy as MM bolted on me when he found out I was pregnant. Some of that has changed and we are still working on the rest. If you have a close friend, please confide in them and allow them to help you. MY BF was so disappointed that I didn't ask for help during my ordeal. If you have questions for me, please feel free to ask. There is another story on here by Noelle that might also be helpful. Good luck to you on your pregnancy and I hope things work out for you.
Author miss d Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 He has been extremely supportive. He has paid for half of all the doctors bills, and came with me to the ultrasound appointments. He has bought lots of stuff for the baby, and plans to help pay for daycare and expenses. Only one very close friend knows he's married. All my friends and family know him, and like him. They think we're a great couple, because we are. We plan to give the baby his last name. No, it wasn't a planned pregnancy, but we weren't being as careful as we should have been either. And I do know the reality of the situation. That he may never leave, and I may be a single parent of an infant. But I continue to hope that he means what he says, and that he will leave and be with me and his baby.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 He HAS to tell his wife. Right now he's living a double life! Only one very close friend knows he's married. All my friends and family know him, and like him. So your family and most friends do not know he's married? Aside from your close friend..
MissBee Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 He has been extremely supportive. He has paid for half of all the doctors bills, and came with me to the ultrasound appointments. He has bought lots of stuff for the baby, and plans to help pay for daycare and expenses. Only one very close friend knows he's married. All my friends and family know him, and like him. They think we're a great couple, because we are. We plan to give the baby his last name. No, it wasn't a planned pregnancy, but we weren't being as careful as we should have been either. And I do know the reality of the situation. That he may never leave, and I may be a single parent of an infant. But I continue to hope that he means what he says, and that he will leave and be with me and his baby. It's good that he is at least providing financial support, although ultimately I know you want his presence and for him to physically and emotionally be a part of you and your child's life. I agree with the other poster who says that you should perhaps prepare as best as possible for a life without him in it as a stable figure and if he actually keeps his word, then you'll be surprised, versus betting on him leaving and living with you and having a family, and it not panning out then you're devastated. I can imagine how you're feeling and you've already admitted that you weren't careful and you do feel regretful about how the relationship progressed, but what's done is done, so now you have yourself and your child to think about. No matter what, your child will be yours...but a man, even if he is the father, can come and go. Rely on the support of family and friends and don't solely look to him for all your emotional needs. Being a pregnant woman is hard enough much less trying to deal with the uncertainty of a relationship, get all the support you can from trusted friends and family and put your baby and yourself first and don't use up all your energy trying to fix this relationship. He knows the deal..he is very much aware of the entire situation, it's implications, the seriousness and what you want. There really is no more you can or should be doing on your part and as a man, especially one who truly loves you, he will choose to do right by you. I suggest you leave him to of his own free will make his choice and then you act accordingly. If he chooses you and the baby, then that will be excellent and I hope so for you, but if not...well...painful as is, it will be a lesson learned BUT you can still move forward with your life and have a happy and healthy life for you and your child
Woman In Blue Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Wow, he told you every single lying married man cliche in the BOOK. Plan on raising this baby alone, Miss D. It's a simple fact of life. The time will eventually come when you'll have to legally file for court-ordered child support when he begins to slowly fade away and the financial support starts dwindling. And both will happen. Unfortunately, your story isn't unique in any way, shape or form. I've seen this story over and over and over on multiple message boards, and not ONE of them was ever positive. Good luck to you.
jj33 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 You arent going to want to hear this but you need to go see a lawyer. Its lovely that he is being so supportive and is there for you but as the others say, at some point it may stop. But at some point the payments usually stop or the relatoinship falters (you want more and hes not leaving or he decides to stop leading a double life and doesnt end his marriage). Knowledge is power and you need to know what your rights are. Is his name going to go on the birth certificate? You should make sure that it does. I dont mean to sound suspicious but you dont want to sign up for a lifetime of keeping you and your baby a secret from his family. I hope it works out well for you and I hope he tells his wife sooner rather than later. I have known people who have not told their wives and have lived double lives for years. Its very stressful for all concerned and very confusing for the children. I have also known friends who have found out as adults that they had other siblings and it was very traumatic for the family. I hope he does the right thing and that you and your baby are happy and healthy.
SidLyon Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 You arent going to want to hear this but you need to go see a lawyer. Its lovely that he is being so supportive and is there for you but as the others say, at some point it may stop. But at some point the payments usually stop or the relatoinship falters (you want more and hes not leaving or he decides to stop leading a double life and doesnt end his marriage). Knowledge is power and you need to know what your rights are. Is his name going to go on the birth certificate? You should make sure that it does. I dont mean to sound suspicious but you dont want to sign up for a lifetime of keeping you and your baby a secret from his family. I hope it works out well for you and I hope he tells his wife sooner rather than later. I have known people who have not told their wives and have lived double lives for years. Its very stressful for all concerned and very confusing for the children. I have also known friends who have found out as adults that they had other siblings and it was very traumatic for the family. I hope he does the right thing and that you and your baby are happy and healthy. I agree. He and his family will probably want a paternity test to make sure. Better to do it while the child is still a baby than to wait. If you read my thread you'll see what can happen when it's left for years.
YellowShark Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 (edited) You arent going to want to hear this but you need to go see a lawyer. Ditto on that. You need to consult a lawyer ASAP. Sorry to hear the predicament you have put yourself into miss d. But you knew he was married and he didn't use a condom. You and MM are responsible for this predicament 100%. The reality is this man *should* support his child with you. You now will have the next 18+ years to think about it AND take care of this child. I bet ya the farm MM will NOT stand up and be a man when push comes to shove miss d. He will not tell his wife, he will not divorce her, and he will balk at supporting you financially. Mark my words. That's why you need to find out what options there are for you legally to protect yourself and the child financially. Edited June 26, 2011 by YellowShark
Loni Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 This is the result of being the side dish, and not the main course(his wife). He's never gonna leave, if thats what your hoping for. Your in another town, far away from his legitimate life- hence, an illegitimate child. The question is- Do you want to settle being second best for you and your child; or move on and find an honest and stable relationship with someone who is going to be a positive influence in your childs life. Every child is legitimate. Again the the original poster. Go file for child support as soon as this child is born. If you cannot afford an attorney ask your doctor. Google your local WIC location because they will have low cost/no cost help regarding how to file. Do not pick this precarious relationship over the long term well being of your child. Do not worry about him wanting visitation with his wife. His wife will not want anything to do with a child her husband fathered in an affair. Also, this is the only time I advise to boil a bunny. You only have a few weeks to get yourself ready. The last thing you need is drama when you are giving birth or in the post natal days bonding with your baby. His wife needs to know and now because she will find out; the fallout is going to be monumental. Make it on your terms and not on hers.
Glinda Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Make it on your terms and not on hers his.I fixed it for you.
Glinda Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Miss d, Informing the BW of your pregnancy is not boiling a bunny. At this juncture, it is the right thing to do.
pureinheart Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 He has been extremely supportive. He has paid for half of all the doctors bills, and came with me to the ultrasound appointments. He has bought lots of stuff for the baby, and plans to help pay for daycare and expenses. Only one very close friend knows he's married. All my friends and family know him, and like him. They think we're a great couple, because we are. We plan to give the baby his last name. No, it wasn't a planned pregnancy, but we weren't being as careful as we should have been either. And I do know the reality of the situation. That he may never leave, and I may be a single parent of an infant. But I continue to hope that he means what he says, and that he will leave and be with me and his baby. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) You've got a lot of courage and he sounds like he's gonna follow through. IMO the important newest addition is your baby, and by what you said he sounds like he will do what is right for your baby. If you live in the states and he doesn't follow through then all you have to do is file with the DA in your county concerning child support. For now I would be happy with your baby and focus on him/her...I know all will be well with you! Congratulations BTW!!!!!
Emme Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 :bunny:HUG:bunny:, The only person here that is of any concern is your unborn child. F the wife and F him. Your child is your number one priority. Not this affair, not the circumstances. You need support. Gather whatever friends you have or family members to help you with this child. Tell them the truth, those you know that will support you no matter what. A new born baby is stressful in itself and you being in this situation is not good at all. I don't want you falling into any depression because things have not worked out the way you planned it. You need to strategize a plan to keep you level headed because the worse is yet to come. Right now you need to focus on this happy time in your life of being a mother. Focus only on that, please. Don't let this affair take away your happiness of becoming a mother. As far as dealing with what to do with the father the choice is yours alone to make. If you want to take legal action do it. If you want to wait as he's asked you do it. As long as you can provide and be 100 percent focused on this new born that's what I want you to do. I wish you the best. Relax, breathe, and put your foot up.
MissBee Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 You arent going to want to hear this but you need to go see a lawyer. Its lovely that he is being so supportive and is there for you but as the others say, at some point it may stop. But at some point the payments usually stop or the relatoinship falters (you want more and hes not leaving or he decides to stop leading a double life and doesnt end his marriage). Knowledge is power and you need to know what your rights are. Is his name going to go on the birth certificate? You should make sure that it does. I dont mean to sound suspicious but you dont want to sign up for a lifetime of keeping you and your baby a secret from his family. I hope it works out well for you and I hope he tells his wife sooner rather than later. I have known people who have not told their wives and have lived double lives for years. Its very stressful for all concerned and very confusing for the children. I have also known friends who have found out as adults that they had other siblings and it was very traumatic for the family. I hope he does the right thing and that you and your baby are happy and healthy. *Hand Raise* About 3 years ago I found out I had 2 other siblings, one of whom is the SAME AGE as my younger sister...smh Upon the discovery...one of which was a woman leaving a voicemail on the family's house phone, he [my father] made some ridiculous speech about he knows it is embarrassing and he's "made some mistakes" but "the years I've spent with you guys have been some of the best". I honestly felt sickened, to think, he's not an A plus dad, but he's okay...but all the while he is playing an okay father to us, he has outside children who've never known him, whom he doesn't spend time with or financially support and expects us to say "Oh well...as long as he took care of us, then that's what matters". How's that for a double life! He was never father of the year but he was decent enough...but to think that there were other people out in the world wondering about his existence or classing him as a dead beat dad while he sat at home with us playing the role of a father...smh. But I second the aspect that hopefully he does the right thing and she and her baby are happy and healthy.
Author miss d Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 I appreciate the input. I do understand that I will catch some flack for being the OW, and for bringing this situation upon myself. And I really do hope against hope that things will all work out in the end, and we'll be together as a family. But I'm also realistic. I know that a huge majority of these situations do not end well. I'm feeling the stress of this pregnancy, and of our situation, and am just trying to be calm on a daily basis, because it's what's best for the baby. I have looked into child support and paternity issues in my state. If he's present for the birth, and signs the affadavit of paternity, he will be on the birth certificate. He plans on being there, and doing that. I can file for child support at any time after the birth, but only if he's on the birth certificate. Otherwise, we would have to go through the DNA testing process first, which I'm fine with, because I haven't been with anyone else since seeing him. As far as telling the W, I think that's something he needs to do. She will find out eventually anyway, whether he and I are together or not. I made it clear to him from when we found out I was pregnant that I want our child to know his brothers and sister. I guess only time will tell the true outcome of this. I do appreciate your input and wisdom, because there aren't a lot of people I can talk to about it.
lovesic Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I feel for you so much, you sound like a very sweet girl, i know things are rough right now but i really think the whole legal side of things is the way to go. Talk with a lawyer, protect your babies futur and try and break away from this guy. It sounds so unhealthy mentally and you dont need anymore stress right now im sure. I really hope somethings change for the better for you, sending you hugs to help you get through this hard time, Things will get better, it will just take a little while
pureinheart Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I appreciate the input. I do understand that I will catch some flack for being the OW, and for bringing this situation upon myself. And I really do hope against hope that things will all work out in the end, and we'll be together as a family. But I'm also realistic. I know that a huge majority of these situations do not end well. I'm feeling the stress of this pregnancy, and of our situation, and am just trying to be calm on a daily basis, because it's what's best for the baby. I have looked into child support and paternity issues in my state. If he's present for the birth, and signs the affadavit of paternity, he will be on the birth certificate. He plans on being there, and doing that. I can file for child support at any time after the birth, but only if he's on the birth certificate. Otherwise, we would have to go through the DNA testing process first, which I'm fine with, because I haven't been with anyone else since seeing him. As far as telling the W, I think that's something he needs to do. She will find out eventually anyway, whether he and I are together or not. I made it clear to him from when we found out I was pregnant that I want our child to know his brothers and sister. I guess only time will tell the true outcome of this. I do appreciate your input and wisdom, because there aren't a lot of people I can talk to about it. Actually, thanks for sharing with us! I have always felt it is up to the MM to tell the W, as it is his M. I really hope everything goes well for you and your baby!
Glinda Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I have looked into child support and paternity issues in my state. If he's present for the birth, and signs the affadavit of paternity, he will be on the birth certificate. He plans on being there, and doing that. I can file for child support at any time after the birth, but only if he's on the birth certificate. Otherwise, we would have to go through the DNA testing process first, which I'm fine with, because I haven't been with anyone else since seeing him. He lives his other life on the weekends, so we should all hope that you deliver on a weekday.
Recommended Posts