LuciaLove Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Been together for just over a year in a relationship that we both find creates happiness in our lives. We decided from the beginning to be completely open, and hence trust the other person to see/hang out/be friends with people of the opposite sex. This seems to be breaking down,and I can't tell if it is a failing on my part, because now I keep getting more and more 'jealous' and I hate being this person. What happened: The mysterious ex girlfriend When we met he didn't disclose the existence of his prior girlfriend that had ended 4 months ago in a self described 'off again, on again' situation. Only upon some misspoken time lines did I figure out she existed. Later he mentioned that she was a client at his company and had seen her in passing when she came by. I came across an email where she invited him to have lunch together 'to see where (they) are at'. He went. When it came out he said he was sorry for not telling me and that he thought it was 'too close' from their break up until we met and that the lunch was platonic. He said he 'should've' told me. The facebook flirts After we started dating there was a trio of women that would not stop posting flirty remarks to him on facebook. With comments like 'looks away cutely' 'you're adorable' 'hey mister, xo xo'. He was sick so once I posted he has a sexy Barry White voice. He posted he sounds like Leonard Cohen, to which she replied how sexy Leonard Cohen's voice is. Later she asked me to 'give him a kiss for me'. One of these girls had sent him a CD with a note saying 'Hope this is what you wanted xo xo'. He said he never met her in real life. There was no address or stamp on the card that the CD and note came in. He continued to insist that they were 1.) just flirty by nature 2.) never met them in real life 3.) i'm just being jealous 4.) had no idea why they are being this way. Turns out that two of them he had asked out right before we were exclusive (ie. we were dating, but not exclusive.) One he asked out for coffee after we were exclusive, and continued to exchange messages with that were not outright flirting but suggestive ('wish you could see you in my disco outfit, talking about eating sushi off of a model's body, perverted children toys etc.). After this came out, I was very upset and we almost broke up. He further insisted that the time line was off and that he thought that he had deleted all the messages. (???) He finally, upon my continued protest, blocked them from seeing his status updates,but didn't delete them. They continued to 'like' and encourage him if he posted on a mutual friends status or any opportunity. I finally 'unfriended' them from the annoyance (the crazy kicking in), told him I did, and he agreed not to add them back. Minor things, but also of note We went to an amusement park with his kids and they said ' oh remember when we were here with that 'other lady' last time. I wouldn't have noted but for his reaction where he immediately became stiff and defensive. His whole body language was 'Oh s#@#'. I discovered that one of his clients is a girl, prior to our relationship, he had 'slept over in her bed but was too drunk to do anything with' before we met. He only told me after I insisted I knew he slept over. He went to her place of work to 'drop off' some papers since it was on his way. The line of work he is in does not require dropping off papers. He says I have 'nothing to worry about because she's gained a lot of weight'. He writes business emails to her that starts with 'hey you'. This morning I found a txt from her not that long ago that says he should call her. My greatest fear is that I am being 'crazy' for feeling this way. Am I? I feel like this whole notion of 'openness' is completely defunct at this point. Each time something new crops up that he did not tell me before. I can feel more of my 'crazy' coming out. I hate it. Hate it hate it. I'm shaking as a write this. How do you fix this situation? Should I just trust that when he is doing these things it was innocent and I'm reading too much into it? How do I deal with my feelings if they are unwarranted? Gha. Thank you for reading this far. I really appreciate you taking the time. Please comment, I would really appreciate it.
Ginger Beer Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I can relate to the Facebook flirts. In my opinion you have every right to feel uncomfortable at those. There is no need for it.
keepsmilin74 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 You've been together over a year, this kind of stuff shouldn't still be coming up! Nope, I'm with you, I'd be totally jealous and be hating myself for it A few of these things were before you went exclusive but the text and park playdate were during??? Have you had a talk to review your boundaries lately? Just because you agreed in the beginning about having opposite sex friends doesn't mean you can't review what is ok or not in those friendships. For example, flirting (even on fb) has limits!
Author LuciaLove Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 I think the hardest part is this struggle with myself if whether I'm being crazy or whether my reaction is a 'normal' reaction? Because I initially told myself I'm being stupid for reacting to all these pangs I had about the ex-girlfriend, and the facebook trio but turned out there were things being withheld from me and going on, it gives credence that I should heed these feelings when I feel them. Now new stuff comes up and I feel like a crazy jealous person. The client dropping off papers thing, he said I must not know a lot of people in the industry and that is how they do things. I happen to work in the industry. I think there was some curiosity to see what she looks like now. Maybe even she wanted to see him..whatever, I don't even care. It's just the fact that it's being withheld from me that bothers me. If a guy out of my past started working with me I would tell him. "Geez, do you know who I ran into today?" I talked to him about the amusement park thing. He said his son was referencing him going to the park with him and his previous girlfriends a couple of years ago. He told me that day that he went with a 'single parent' group during the time we were dating. So there's different stories. He became agitated/frustrated at me for pointing out the different explanations. Rationally I don't think that he is cheating on me. I think generally it's more a case of the other women pursuing him and him not stopping it. I just feel resentful that I have to guess at what the truth is, that things are being withheld and that I sit with the uneasiness that is evoked because of it.
keepsmilin74 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I don't think you're crazy I'm more jealous than you over less number of issues which are smaller too lol Anyway, the best advice I've read in the last few weeks is talk more. Go over the issues while you are calm. Keep your tone friendly, you are on the same team with the same goal - happiness together. Have a one on one chat daily, not always about these issues but dont avoid them either. It will eventually become more natural expressing what you think and feel. You'll get more in tune to each other. You won't feel so bad when you have these thoughts and can talk about them, and he don't feel attacked and get defensive. And keep in mind, this is ongoing! Not just a couple of weeks! We've been together 20 years, married for 13 lol ... Don't think of it as "work" or a chore, it's fun, like a team sport, you look forward to the game! This is life All this stuff, I say to myself too, it's working
Author LuciaLove Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Thank you keepsmilin' Just so tired of feeling this way! Scares me that you say it won't resolve for 20 years! Feels horrible feeling this way. You sound like you have such a great attitude about it though.
keepsmilin74 Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 The *issues* shouldn't be ongoing, just your effort on the relationship is. But that continuous effort makes the issues smaller and less frequent. It actually becomes enjoyable to have these chats (though occassionally have to get past pain and embarrassment) as you overcome the issues using the sporting analogy again, each time you do it, you just scored a goal! Awesome hehe
Woman In Blue Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Lucia, never ignore your gut when it's screaming at you. I'm not going to blow sunshine up your ass and basically tell you to swallow what your eyes are seeing - but as long as you can talk about it calmly, then it will all just go away..... You've got red flags popping up everywhere. Especially the card with NO stamp and NO address - yet he supposedly has never met this woman in person. It seems that every single time you find out another damning piece of information about him, he somehow finds a way to make YOU end up thinking you're crazy. That's called "gaslighting," and it's a damn cruel form of behavior alot of people use in order to save their sorry asses. You can basically bury your head in the sand as suggested, or you can trust your gut. I vote for the gut. It never lets you down.
Glinda Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Well my goodness! I thought we were discussing 16 year olds until I got to the part about his kids. Face it. There are some men who need the attention of several women for whatever reason. Make no mistake, this is not something that will ever change. If you are unable to deal with that, it's better to end it now so that you can find a more suitable companion.
Author LuciaLove Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 I asked him about the fact that the card's envelope had no stamp or no address and he said it was because it was in another envelope. Later I kind of believed that they never met before because he went to an event where she was present where she wrote that she was so excited to meet him in real life and that she peaked at him a couple of times to make sure it was him, that he was exactly as she pictured him. This women has a boyfriend. He knows about it but he asked her out anyways, claiming he would never have pursued her if she wasn't flirting with him. She just wanted him to come to her work and buy her CD's. Personally I feel like she flirted with him to make money and he fell for it. Just lame that it was while I was madly in love with him. I think I feel like if she actually gave him a chance I would have been his second choice. (Why else keep flirting aside from leaving the door open?) We had a long talk last night, and he expressed that there is nothing more that he can say about what happened to make it different or better. That because I'm at home more I have more time to think about these things and when I return to school in September things will be better. That he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and that if it ever comes up again we should go for counselling. I seriously don't see the point in going to a counselor the first year of a relationship, aren't they suppose to be the best time? I am so heart broken. I feel sick today.
bikinibeach Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 oh love, i know how it feels. extremely ****ty. but you are totally right to feel this way. to encourage and engage flirty women when you are in a relationship is just wrong. he is having his cake and eating it too.....completely disregarding how it must make you feel. tell him you are sick of his lack of respect and inability to set boundaries in your relationship and that IT. IS. OVER. then go nc on his ass. if those girls want him, let them fight it out over him and then spend their life feeling second, third, fourth or fifth best. trust me, there is no saving a man like this. PLEASE read this, it helped me TREMENDOUSLY in a similar situation http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-help-is-it-wrong-to-have-expected-my-ex-to-set-some-boundaries-with-his-narcissistic-harem/ ****hugs
threebyfate Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Whether he's cheated or not, who knows. But he's the type of guy who enjoys female external validation and will dissemble to get it, at any expense. As well, this isn't one other woman chasing him. It's multiple women which means there's only one constant and that's him. He's definitely encouraging this type of behaviour. It sounds like you're not the type to put up with that type of need, of which I don't blame you in the least. That's how I roll too. Stop wasting your time on a guy like this. Ditch him like yesterday's news. There are far better men out there, ones who have higher levels of self-esteem, who will respect your relationship.
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