Author emby Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Why would talking to you all the time make him feel like s$&t? I don't understand that? I wish I knew!! He keeps avoiding my questions. I wish I had the magic words to say to him. "I hate all these questions, i don't know i thought you would of realised that i take every moment as it is by now... we have just broken up we need space to clear the air and im sorry but im taking the space." Why don't you just finish the job and kill me for real?
Author emby Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Why would talking to you all the time make him feel like s$&t? I don't understand that? Oh wait, he has an answer now. "I kept talking to you because i hated to see you upset but i needed time actually away from you for the relationship to really be over, it doesn't make me feel like **** i just don't like you constantly trying to talk to me and asking all these questions about what if and whats gonna happen, i just don't like it and we really need time away for just a little while after we have broken up.." He's probably right as well. FML.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I will probably be the millionth person to tell you this but it will get better with time. I know I didn't believe anyone that told me that right after my break up and I don't expect you to either but sooner or later you will look back on all of this and say "wtf was I thinking/doing". Better days are coming, and with those will come better people and new experiences that you can indulge yourself into. I believe the quote goes something like "if you love something let it go, if it comes back you truly have something special. if it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with" Live by these words right now, but by all means don't wait for him to come around. if you wait you will just prolong the pain and chances are you will be very disappointed by the outcome and in yourself for waiting. go out with friends, workout, pick up a new hobby, do something that will keep you busy and will keep your mind from wondering.
Author emby Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 I don't know what to do. At home I only have fake friends who don't really give a damn about me and don't bother responding to me most of the time. Them and my ex from before this last relationship- I was with him 2.5 years. It kind of sucks when my two best friends to choose from (at least when I'm not at university) are both exes. But I don't want to just be at home staring at the phone.
Author emby Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 So I suppose you could say things are a little better. I've spoken to some old friends from school and hopefully will be doing something with them next week, and my friend from London has invited me to go down and see a show with him (we are 100% platonic) too. I have work tomorrow and a couple of other things to do. Last time I spoke to my ex he stressed his need for space and that me constantly questioning him was making me unhappy- fair enough. I went all today without texting him but I sent him a lighthearted text tonight when I knew he would have finished work saying I hoped work was good and I was thinking of him. To my surprise he texted back within 10 minutes and although our communication was limited because he wanted an early night, it was good. He said he'd let me know how he gets on with doing something tomorrow and wished me a good day at work. He seemed genuinely pleased to speak to me. I hope we can move forward like this- not no contact but very low contact, checking up on each other, nothing heavy, until he's ready to meet up again. What do you think? Is no communication whatsoever much better than a few texts? On the one hand, I want to be very much on his mind, but on the other I don't want to be 'friend-zoned'.
Author emby Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 No one has replied lately but had quite a major development so I'll share anyway... Basically I cracked today. He asked me if it's okay if he stays in my uni house (where he broke up with me exactly a week ago today) with his friends (including one of my housemates) and I totally freaked out. The only reason I'm not living there is because he broke up with me so I went home to be with family. He's even going to the club that I wanted to go with him to but never got chance to. Anyway...he texted me when I was at work and then I called him after, flipped out and cried down the phone at him. I told him he is clearly disrespecting me (he asked if I was okay with it and I said no, he said he was still going to do it) and I said he obviously never cared about me if he can spend a night in that house with all the memories in it and not be sad about it. He said he does care, always will... I asked him to meet me since I was in the local area, he said he couldn't because he has busy but even if he could it would be 'too painful' for him. Too painful?? I thought he was over me the day he broke up with me! Sick of him stringing me along I got angry and gave him an ultimatum (yes, I'm stupid). I said "see me sometime this week or you'll never see me again". To my surprise, he agreed to see me on thursday! So I don't know what I've got myself into. But I told him that if it would hurt him to see me, maybe he shouldn't run away from his feelings for me...and actually see me. We won't get back together on thursday but it's something. I'm so excited and nervous in equal parts just to see him. Whatever happens.
Kilty Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Probably the reason nobody has replied Emby is that you have been given the best advice we can offer. By all means continue to vent and give updates. We do sympathise but the advantage we have over you is not only because we have been in similar situations and done the same as you but we are also emotionally disconnected from your situation. By continually contacting this guy and bearing your soul to him you are hoping that you will wear him down and he will have a complete turnaround and will get back with you. Unfortunately the chances are that you are only leading yourself into further upset and heartbreak. I do hope it goes well for you on Thursday but as i said in my original response for your own sake keep your self respect and dignity no matter what happens. Very few reconcilations happen on one of the partners breaking down and crying, begging, pleading or giving ultimatums. In fact the opposite happens and you end up freaking the other person out. Your best advice was to leave this guy alone and ignore him unless he came to you with a change of heart. Not only are you reducing your chances of reconcilation by doing the opposite but you are now putting yourself in the position of being a door mat. The only feelings i can sense from this guy is that he does feel a little guilty at the break up - as nearly all dumpers do - and he doesnt want to hurt you anymore than breaking up with you already has. Thats why he is keeping in limited contact with you and not shutting you off completely - nothing to do with not knowing what he wants, having regrets or second thoughts. I hope i am wrong but if you go to this meet preparing for a remarkable change of events then it could set you back more than you are already. Take care and let us know how it goes
Author emby Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Well Kilty- I think you're wrong. I don't think every break up has the same remedy- no contact. YES, this is probably the best way to get over someone, especially if they've hurt you. Once I waited 2.5 months for a guy whilst he was overseas. He broke up with me over facebook of all things 2 weeks before he came home. He didn't explain why and promised there was someone else. I let him string me along for 2 months afterwards using me for sex. Turns out there was someone else, but it didn't work out with her when she realised he was a scumbag. Anyway...I wish I'd completely shut that idiot out of my life the moment he 'dumped' me. I wish someone had MADE me go no contact. Then again, I was with someone else for 2.5 years, we broke up with no hard feelings and remained best friends from the next day onwards. We still are. And with my most recent ex, I know that he's going to be an important part of my life at least for the near future. He's never said a bad word against me and I've never said one against him. No infidelity, no nothing. Maybe he is only limiting contact because he doesn't want to upset me- but he has also stated explicitly to me that he doesn't know what he wants. So I'd say, if someone cheats on you or otherwise does you wrong, walk away from them, go no contact and never look back. I think telling everyone to go no contact is trying to say in a nice way "it's never going to work, and you have a reason to not want it to". As for me, I don't expect him to have a complete turnaround a week after the break up, and I don't plan to cry or beg. In fact I've told him several times I don't want to rush back into a relationship with him, because I don't. That doesn't mean I'm just going to go and erase him from my life though.
Kilty Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 My boyfriend broke up with me 4 days ago The reason was that he was unhappy towards the end. - He says that he doesn't want a relationship with me right now, We texted back and forth today and then I called him, I'd asked him in a breezy text to meet me for a drink if he liked because I'd be in his hometown, but he said no because he needs space and 'it would be too weird'. I want to him to spend time with me and fall in love again. You know what? I will never understand how he went from loving, doting boyfriend to cold, heartless robot-person, but he really has. And it's killing me. When we spoke on the phone earlier he said "I'll speak to you later on" and I agreed but did nothing apart from send a text at around 8pm saying "I miss you. You know where I am if you want to talk to me". I expected him to reply or come online or something since he'd said we'd talk later...but no. Just another night waiting by the phone!! So I broke NC because I'm a stupid bitch and I said like I can't believe you don't care about me, I really thought you were a nice guy but I must have been wrong etc etc. (Yeah I'm an idiot) He texted back saying: "It's not that I don't care about you but I need space, talking to you all the time makes me feel like **** and I need to get over and past that. You have to realise we're not together so you can't expect me to speak to you a lot especially not now when we're clearing the air and trying to move on." I don't want to live my life without him. I don't want to live in the world of 'moving on'. I really really don't. Oh wait, he has an answer now. "I kept talking to you because i hated to see you upset but i needed time actually away from you for the relationship to really be over, it doesn't make me feel like **** i just don't like you constantly trying to talk to me and asking all these questions about what if and whats gonna happen, i just don't like it and we really need time away for just a little while after we have broken up.." He's probably right as well. FML. To my surprise he texted back within 10 minutes and although our communication was limited because he wanted an early night, it was good. He said he'd let me know how he gets on with doing something tomorrow and wished me a good day at work. '. Anyway...he texted me when I was at work and then I called him after, flipped out and cried down the phone at him. I told him he is clearly disrespecting me (he asked if I was okay with it and I said no, he said he was still going to do it) and I said he obviously never cared about me if he can spend a night in that house with all the memories in it and not be sad about it. He said he does care, always will... I asked him to meet me since I was in the local area, he said he couldn't because he has busy but even if he could it would be 'too painful' for him. Too painful?? I thought he was over me the day he broke up with me! Sick of him stringing me along I got angry and gave him an ultimatum (yes, I'm stupid). I said "see me sometime this week or you'll never see me again". Sorry to highlight these Emby - im only trying to get you to try and see things in reality and not let your emotions guide you to other conclusions. The bottom line is that if this guy does not know what he wants then it is not your job to force it out of him and trying to do do could probably have the opposite effect. As i said i hope you are right and things work out as we all do - but the main thing on here is that we look after each other
Author emby Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Well...when you put it like that the most striking thing for me is how quickly he seems to change his tune. At first he was just not replying to things (thinking back, he never replied to my texts when we WERE together anyway, I always had to follow up with a call) and thinking I'd get the message, then he asked me for space...then I gave him a little space...then he's agreed to meet. Kilty, I called him tonight actually- he's not going out and then staying at my place after all that- and apologised for freaking out earlier. He said I had nothing to apologise for. I was completely calm so he knows the 'ultimatum' doesn't matter anymore, but he still said he'd meet me on thursday. For now, it's enough.
Recommended Posts