Recent break up, want him back

[emby]

My boyfriend broke up with me 4 days ago and since I've been lurking on here...and not doing much else besides the crying, dark thoughts...etc, you know the story! Anyway I thought I'd share because I think I need to see advice directed at my story, or I won't take it.

 

The reason was that he was unhappy towards the end. When we were together everything was 100% perfect, but when we were apart we'd always seem to argue about various things on the phone. We do have differing opinions on quite a lot of things, but nothing that would be a 'deal-breaker'. It was his first relationship (but we're 19 and 20) and I think he just panicked and didn't know what else to do. The night before he came over he said he was coming over to 'hopefully work things out', but when he did come over he just ended it, so I think overall it was a rash decision. That night and the day after he seemed to regret it.

 

We never stopped speaking (but obviously reduced it dramatically). On the first 2 days he said he felt like ****, but now he says he's happier than he was in the last week of the relationship- but not necessarily happy that he's not with me. He says:

- He wants us to be part of each other's lives

- He wants us to be part of each other's summers

- He's still going to take me mountain biking like he was planning to before

- When I ask 'where do we go from here?' he says 'I don't know'

- He says he can't promise we'll be together again, but also he can't promise that we won't.

- He says he misses me

- He keeps saying 'we'll have to see how it goes'.

- We've both agreed that our past relationship has ended and any future relationship would not be the same- and he would never let it get to that stage

- He says that he doesn't want a relationship with me right now, but if we started seeing each other again and getting close he doesn't know where it could lead.

 

I think all in all, considering he broke up with me and I want to get back together, I'm in the best situation I could be in. I really don't know how to play it now though. He's not exactly telling me to get out of his life or move on. I know the relationship wasn't working at the time because we were both stressed out, but I strongly feel as though there is more to us than what has been. In an ideal world I'd go back to at least seeing him, hopefully as more than a friend too but not as serious and intense as we were. Maybe just go back to dating, if it's possible.

 

We texted back and forth today and then I called him, I'd asked him in a breezy text to meet me for a drink if he liked because I'd be in his hometown, but he said no because he needs space and 'it would be too weird'. I know it's only been a few days but I miss him so much!! He's my best friend He seems to think I'm trying to lure him back into a relationship...which okay, maybe I am...but I don't expect him to take me back so soon! But how can I make him see what he's missing if he can't see me?

 

I seriously don't think I can do no contact. He says he's happy to chat as friends and seems happy to talk to me every day. He doesn't want to talk relationship things though. If I don't see him OR speak to him, he'd surely have no motivation whatsoever to get back together, and it would be so easy for him to get over me and then forget me!

The bottom line is I want to prove to him that he can have such a fun and amazing time with me and we don't have to be super serious like we were before. I want to him to spend time with me and fall in love again.

[Kilty]

I seriously don't think I can do no contact. He says he's happy to chat as friends and seems happy to talk to me every day. He doesn't want to talk relationship things though. If I don't see him OR speak to him, he'd surely have no motivation whatsoever to get back together, and it would be so easy for him to get over me and then forget me!

The bottom line is I want to prove to him that he can have such a fun and amazing time with me and we don't have to be super serious like we were before. I want to him to spend time with me and fall in love again.

 

Hiya emby - i dont want to beat you when you are down but you need honesty and from a guys perspective.

 

Firstly - GET SOME SELF RESPECT

 

This guy has all but dumped you but is possibly offering you a friends with benefits package - if he feels like it.

 

How nice of him.

 

Secondly - The way you feel about this guy means you can NEVER be friends with him.

Sure you can try but it's only going to lead to further heartbreak FOR YOU.

 

What happens a month or two down the line when he decides again its not what he wants or worse meets someone else - is that not going to bother you and you still wanna be friends with him then ? NOPE

 

Thirdly - If you want to get this guy back your only hope is NO CONTACT.

 

That means no texting him, no emailing him, no phoning him, no turning up at his house, no "bumping into him when out and certainly not replying to any contact which is only breadcrumbs.

 

The only contact you ever respond to is when this guy says he has made a mistake and he wants to try for a committed relationship - as in feeling like you do now.

 

You have already seen what contacting him after the "break up" has done.

 

It only pushes him away, feeds his ego and punches a hole in yours.

 

And dont worry about him forgetting about you and moving on during this period - if he does then it was never meant to be and nothing you do or dont do can affect that decision of his.

 

This guy has to miss you. This guy has to start thinking why he has never heard from you. This guy needs to think that the hold he has on you has gone.

 

But most importantly he needs space as do you.

 

You should put off any further meetings or arranged events as well as not contacting him and ignoring him

 

And if you are questioned on why he hasnt heard from you - you ignore that too unless you are pushed - and then you say - sorry i cant be friends with you - in the circumstances i have to move on.

 

Dont play games - do it and mean it

 

Dont start no contact and then give in or you will never get him back

 

Guys like the chase - not to be chased.

 

Trust me on this - especially as you have already tried all the pleading etc.

 

Give it up - he is in no doubt how you feel - you cant do anything more.

 

if he comes back - fine

 

If not - he wasnt worth it

[emby]

Thank you Kilty!

I mean it.

I think I needed to hear some of that.

However, I can say that nothing he says or wants will be ANYTHING to do with friends with benefits or no strings attached.

Both of us have very strong views on that and are not interested whatsoever. I was only his second.

I had an ex string me a long like that once and never again for sure!!

I believe my ex genuinely doesn't know what he wants.

But then he says he's not going to do anything at all with anyone else and that he's just not interested in it. Also...without denting a hole in his manlyness if I can help it...he still keeps the bear I bought him around!! (something for when I'm not there, because half the year we were LDR)

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Thank you Kilty!

I mean it.

I think I needed to hear some of that.

However, I can say that nothing he says or wants will be ANYTHING to do with friends with benefits or no strings attached.

Both of us have very strong views on that and are not interested whatsoever. I was only his second.

I had an ex string me a long like that once and never again for sure!!

I believe my ex genuinely doesn't know what he wants.

But then he says he's not going to do anything at all with anyone else and that he's just not interested in it. Also...without denting a hole in his manlyness if I can help it...he still keeps the bear I bought him around!! (something for when I'm not there, because half the year we were LDR)

 

 

Don't completely turn down the "he might want friends with benefits".

 

he is your ex now, and with that you shouldn't hold any expectations of him. I'm not saying he will do this but be prepared if he does try for friends with benefits.

[emby]

Don't completely turn down the "he might want friends with benefits".

 

he is your ex now, and with that you shouldn't hold any expectations of him. I'm not saying he will do this but be prepared if he does try for friends with benefits.

 

If he did:

A) It would be extremely out of character

and

B) It would be a complete and utter turn-off for me!

[Kilty]

Thank you Kilty!

I believe my ex genuinely doesn't know what he wants.

But then he says he's not going to do anything at all with anyone else and that he's just not interested in it. Also...without denting a hole in his manlyness if I can help it...he still keeps the bear I bought him around!! (something for when I'm not there, because half the year we were LDR)

 

Also never ever assume how an ex is feeling as it's usually never right.

 

Your emotions are ruling every thought that comes into your head right now.

 

We all like to think that our ex's are thinking about us as much as we are of them but its usually pants.

 

Look at the facts

 

He has already said he maybe wants to be friends but it would be "too weird" to meet you for a drink ??

 

If he doesnt know what he wants then he will soon tell you if its you.

 

You cant affect that - only space can.

 

The only way he will start to think about you is if he misses you and wonders what you are doing

 

But it is then up to you whether you can trust him not going down this road again with you in the future

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

If he did:

A) It would be extremely out of character

and

B) It would be a complete and utter turn-off for me!

 

 

just don't hold any expectations for him in any sense, I did on my ex and she turned into a COMPLETELY different person with new morals, beliefs, lifestyle, everything. I think you can imagine how much it hurt me when I learned every expectation I had on her was broken.

 

 

diabolicsaint13 (at) gmail (dot) com <=== shoot me an email, I'll send you a few ebooks that may help.

[midkirby]

I am female but much older than you. I know being on the receiving end of a breakup, things are very painful. It is much easier to give advice to someone in your situation, because you are listening to your heart and not your head. You asked for advice, so try not to get an attitude with people who offer it.

 

I am in a similar situation, but my ex bf tells me that he knows that he still loves me. He came out of a bad divorce whereby his ex cheated on him for years. He is very hesitant and scared to commit long term to me because he doesn't want to get hurt. He still calls me his best friend and during a recent meeting, said that we could possibly make it a more permanent situation, if we get back together. He knows that is what I want, but I did say that if chooses otherwise, we need to forget about each other. Trust me when I say that we both know that we love each other greatly...but he still isn't sure. My point to this is I decided to go no contact, even with the knowledge of his love for me. He has to make a choice and the ball is in his court. There is NOTHING else I can do to pursuade him. I put my cards on the table, and I will have to wait. But I will continue to live my life and not wait for him. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I have my self respect. I will not grovel at his feet or beg him.

 

My point is you have to go no contact. No one wants to be chased, as it is a turn off. Men are the hunters. Time will tell if he decides to change his mind. Live your life and let time pass. If he doesn't come back, there is someone that is better for you that you will find. I know this sounds painful, but you have to be happy by yourself and utterly honest. I know it is hard to see things in another way, but please try. You have to protect your heart, because no one else will. Good luck to you!!!

[emby]

I think I'm getting it.

I always knew that I shouldn't chase. That is why I never begged for him back or anything like that. But I didn't think that asking him to talk to me or meet up whilst being calm or friendly would be perceieved by him as me chasing him, or he'd find it unattractive. But maybe it helps me as little as crying and begging would

[emby]

You know what?

He asked for space and because I love him, that's what he's going to get- space and lots of it!!!

I will never understand how he went from loving, doting boyfriend to cold, heartless robot-person, but he really has. And it's killing me. When we spoke on the phone earlier he said "I'll speak to you later on" and I agreed but did nothing apart from send a text at around 8pm saying "I miss you. You know where I am if you want to talk to me". I expected him to reply or come online or something since he'd said we'd talk later...but no. Just another night waiting by the phone!!

So yeah, I'm giving him space. Call it NC or LC. If I have to chop all my fingers off, I won't text him. I know that no matter how much fun he's having right now he'll notice that I'm not in contact and think how weird it is.

The hard part is I'm used to spending so much time with him or time talking to him. When we were long distance I'd spend hours talking to him every night on Skype. Now what? I have basically no friends at home (I'm on summer break from uni) and I don't have anywhere to go. I've always loved the gym so I have a few hours a week to kill there but I still basically have no social life when I'm at home. I find myself messing about on my laptop every day and staring at my phone like a complete loser! This is why it's so damn hard not to speak to him

[midkirby]

Good for you. Now you are getting the idea. I jogged 3 miles tonight to feel better. We all make mistakes and contact in the beginning. Then we get wiser. Go to the gym, make new friends or at least act like it. Find something to do. He doesn't deserve to be in your head at every waking moment. Easier said than done. You're not a loser.....he is. If he does try to contact....use all of your willpower and don't respond. It will make him wonder. Just to stay around waiting for phone for text or call.

[midkirby]

Regarding the friends thing...don't fall into that trap. He either wants that to ease his guilt or to keep you around as a back up or fwb thing. You are too good for that. Tell him you have enough friends...

[emby]

Thank you everyone so far... I don't need to tell you how much I appreciate the support right now.

[emby]

Helllpppp...we were meant to be somewhere special today and I'm so painfully aware that we're not there together. I bet he doesn't even care! Yesterday he said 'talk to you later' and he never ended up coming online or texting and I haven't heard from him today either. I just want to call him! What did I do to deserve this?? He said I never did anything wrong!!

[wny]

Yeah, I have seen and heard all this before with my friends.

 

Here is what I've watched happen with them. If any of this is familiar, know you are not alone.

 

Stage One: Agony, absolute agony... obsession with the person just broken up with, constant evaluation and reinterpretation of the events before, during, and messages sent after.

 

Stage One takes forever to go away if you are grasping for contract straws, or if he is making tentative contacts to 'see how you are doing' or in response to things you send him. Anything deemed even the slightest bit positive can be blown up into a life preserver for the relationship when we are desperate to fix things that the other person is not totally willing to commit to fixing. Under no circumstances should you be meeting up with him for anything right now unless he sees he made a major mistake. Everything else will just prolong what you are feeling now.

 

Stage Two: The perspective phase. Part of healing and distance allows you to get a proper handle on what in the world was going on during the last few weeks. A lot of my friends admit they were actually embarrassed with their intensity and the groveling they were willing to do to rescue what they had. In fact, they realized the more time and effort they spent obsessing on the relationship, the worse it got. No breathing room or space, plenty of panic. By now, the anger/irritation/resentment is now more noticed than the tears. How did I miss the signs? Who does he think he is? He broke of up with me for stupid reasons.

 

Stage Three: Healing. What I can tell you from personal experience is today's agony will be eventually tomorrow's bad-but-moved-on memories. It just hurts a lot right now and you want it to stop anyway you can. And it will, eventually. You just can't rush the process. This is your second relationship right? So you already know a lot of this.

 

Find good friends who are good listeners and talk in a safe environment where you can feel what you need to feel and say what you need to say.

[emby]

When did I say it was my second relationship?

I've had several relationships. I'm the second person he's slept with though and he's the second person who I could honestly see myself with.

[Mr. Savage]

No contact has to be NO CONTACT!! There is no gray area here. I too am struggling with this. I am on my 2nd attempt of No Contact but I learned from my first failed attempt that you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY have to stick with it!

It's not a miracle cure either. Don't think that after a week he will be begging for you. There is no saying how long it can take if at all it ever does work out. Stay strong!

[wny]

Oops... sorry Emby... I misread!

[Lucy2011]

Can I just say as well, being friends with an ex, doesn't work. I say that from experience and wish now I had walked away when he dumped me. He may well try the friends with benefits line (been there too). Stay strong, I know its hard but you must x

[emby]

Can I just say as well, being friends with an ex, doesn't work. I say that from experience and wish now I had walked away when he dumped me. He may well try the friends with benefits line (been there too). Stay strong, I know its hard but you must x

 

Like I said- friends with benefits is a no-go.

As for being friends, well the thought of that is unbearable at the moment. But in the future, if it's a choice between NOTHING or being friends then I would gladly take being friends. I do want him to be part of my life. But I'm not willing to go straight into it because at the moment it's too painful.

[emby]

No contact has to be NO CONTACT!! There is no gray area here. I too am struggling with this. I am on my 2nd attempt of No Contact but I learned from my first failed attempt that you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY have to stick with it!

It's not a miracle cure either. Don't think that after a week he will be begging for you. There is no saying how long it can take if at all it ever does work out. Stay strong!

 

Can you say any more?

 

And thanks, I'm trying

[Mr. Savage]

Can you say any more?

 

And thanks, I'm trying

 

My first attempt of NC lasted about one week. After that week I just could not believe she did not make any attempt to contact me. In my mind it looked as if it were just a breeze for her to not even wonder why I wasn't contacting her after doing so for almost every day for months ya know.

So I broke after thinking this no contact thing was a failure and we sat down and talked and I could tell she was going through a rough patch in her life (just came from a divorce) and all. So then I decided I should be there for her and text her words of encouragement and try to lift her spirits but I could just tell with her canned answers and short responses that she was not interested in communicating with me. So last week I said I am going NC and not giving in no matter what!

My second attempt at being in contact with her was just me grasping for straws to be somewhat involved in her life. It's false hope and gets u nowhere. NC is the ONLY way to go because it's the only way to truly find out in the future what their goal is. The only problem is it can take awhile to see what the final result is. I'm living my life now but still waiting to see what comes from this. Hope this helps.

[lovesic]

You know what?

He asked for space and because I love him, that's what he's going to get- space and lots of it!!!

I will never understand how he went from loving, doting boyfriend to cold, heartless robot-person, but he really has. And it's killing me. When we spoke on the phone earlier he said "I'll speak to you later on" and I agreed but did nothing apart from send a text at around 8pm saying "I miss you. You know where I am if you want to talk to me". I expected him to reply or come online or something since he'd said we'd talk later...but no. Just another night waiting by the phone!!

So yeah, I'm giving him space. Call it NC or LC. If I have to chop all my fingers off, I won't text him. I know that no matter how much fun he's having right now he'll notice that I'm not in contact and think how weird it is.

The hard part is I'm used to spending so much time with him or time talking to him. When we were long distance I'd spend hours talking to him every night on Skype. Now what? I have basically no friends at home (I'm on summer break from uni) and I don't have anywhere to go. I've always loved the gym so I have a few hours a week to kill there but I still basically have no social life when I'm at home. I find myself messing about on my laptop every day and staring at my phone like a complete loser! This is why it's so damn hard not to speak to him

 

Ya not having anything to do or friends to hang out with makes it so much harder because your just dwelling on the negatives and its ****ty for sure. Time is the only way i guess, i dont know, im still in a hurt locker but my ex left me 4 days ago and i ****ing hate life, but what am i gonna do? iv started reading blogs and it kind of helps to know im not the only guy in the world who loved his gf to death and it wasnt enough. Rejection is so painful and i havent felt it in a good 5 years, and i cant wait until im healed!

[emby]

So I broke NC because I'm a stupid bitch and I said like I can't believe you don't care about me, I really thought you were a nice guy but I must have been wrong etc etc. (Yeah I'm an idiot)

He texted back saying: "It's not that I don't care about you but I need space, talking to you all the time makes me feel like **** and I need to get over and past that. You have to realise we're not together so you can't expect me to speak to you a lot especially not now when we're clearing the air and trying to move on."

 

I don't want to live my life without him. I don't want to live in the world of 'moving on'. I really really don't.

[Mr. Savage]

Why would talking to you all the time make him feel like s$&t? I don't understand that?