oaks Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 If it was just volleyball practice - I could be fine with it - but it's drinks and dinner afterwards that goes late into the night. "Hi boyfriend, are any girlfriends or boyfriends joining you all for drinks and dinner afterwards? Would it be okay for me to join you?" (you can add "so that I can keep you away from the pretty one" if you like, but best not to.)
iris219 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 you gotta be comfortable with not being able to see every detail of the future. This. And you have to start trusting yourself to handle the worst case scenario. We distrust others when we don't trust ourselves to deal with what they could do to us. Worst case scenario: he cheats. This is a possibility in every relationship. This would be very unfortunate, but if it happened you would deal with it like everyone does. You will be upset and then you will move on and live your life as before. It will not be the end of the world; it will not be the worst experience of your life.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 "Hi boyfriend, are any girlfriends or boyfriends joining you all for drinks and dinner afterwards? Would it be okay for me to join you?" (you can add "so that I can keep you away from the pretty one" if you like, but best not to.) Yes, I had that idea but realistically - I can't do that every week. It would come across as too controlling.
welikeincrowds Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I agree, talking about it again will just add to the stress and drain both of us. I really don't know how to deal with it. If it was just volleyball practice - I could be fine with it - but it's drinks and dinner afterwards that goes late into the night. Volleyball girl is really social and will for sure be joining my bf and perhaps a couple of others. Bf has particular taste in women and she is just right what he is looking for, in addition to being younger, lighter, more fun and with fewer issues than myself. Even I would choose her. The only thing is, that she may not be interested in him - but she tends to be quite flirty nonetheless and certainly flirty enough to keep his attention Then so be it? This is the risk we all take when we enter a relationship. Furthermore, there is nothing you can do about it. What you keep saying, over and over, is "I am not good enough for him." When he tells you that you are, you don't believe him.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 This. And you have to start trusting yourself to handle the worst case scenario. We distrust others when we don't trust ourselves to deal with what they could do to us. Worst case scenario: he cheats. This is a possibility in every relationship. This would be very unfortunate, but if it happened you would deal with it like everyone does. You will be upset and then you will move on and live your life as before. It will not be the end of the world; it will not be the worst experience of your life. Thanks, that helps. I think that the root of my problem is inability to deal with uncertainty and fear of worst case scenarios. But even if BF left me for the volleyball girl and they got married and had 6 children, I would be devastated for a while but would eventually move on.
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Then so be it? This is the risk we all take when we enter a relationship. Furthermore, there is nothing you can do about it. What you keep saying, over and over, is "I am not good enough for him." When he tells you that you are, you don't believe him. Well that's the problem. It isn't him. If she doesnt think she is good enough it wont matter who is telling her or how much. If she thinks poorly of herself then nobody can ever love her or do enough for her It's a constant game of intense validation seeking.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Then so be it? This is the risk we all take when we enter a relationship. Furthermore, there is nothing you can do about it. What you keep saying, over and over, is "I am not good enough for him." When he tells you that you are, you don't believe him. That's what my mum tells me. The jealousy and insecurity scream at him "I am not good enough!". Eventually he will start thinking that I really am not good enough. He does seem terrified that I will dump him though and that's (sadly) the only card I hold over him right now.
Imajerk17 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 This thread is still going on? Man.... A relationship issue that would have been over 10 minutes into the next morning has been turned into a 12-hour drama-fest. Cripes.... ES, I think you would be better off ending it, for everyone's sake. If this is how you deal with the inevitable small issues that come with your boyfriend actually going outside without a burqa, I can't imagine you being any more miserable being alone. The way you've been acting, it's a self-fulfilling prophesy too. I'm going to guess that volleyball chick is probably looking awfully appealing to him now. Hell if I were in his shoes I would sure be tempted.
anne1707 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 He does seem terrified that I will dump him though and that's (sadly) the only card I hold over him right now. But in a healthy relationship, there is no need to hold a card like that. Seriously ES, you take everything to a whole new level in making mountains out of molehills. Even in the aftermath of dday following my affair, my H and I never has a 12 hour argument. It is just ridiculous and childish to be honest. If you want this man to respect you then you need to respect him and be honest with him.
utterer of lies Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 ES, I think you would be better off ending it, for everyone's sake. Not for everyone, we like us some drama soap here at LS.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 sad. just sad. I know dude I have made many mistakes in this relationship setting off a downward spiral. I am just trying to decide if the time to cut my loses is now.
Imajerk17 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Nah, just end it. his friends are probably telling him to "dump the psycho biatch" anyways. I sure would be giving that advice...
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I know dude I have made many mistakes in this relationship setting off a downward spiral. I am just trying to decide if the time to cut my loses is now. But why are you in a relationship if you know you can't make one work right now? You don't have the tools to create a healthy and meaningful relationship. Be single - get therapy - turn your life around - live the life you want and then pursue a man. You come first...get that squared away..guy comes second.
Imajerk17 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Seriously, come clean to your boyfriend. Tell him that you don't have the tools when it comes to dealing with stress and conflict in a relationship and that you need to work on yourself for the time being. Wish him well and then maybe you can come back in a few months. The way things are now just isn't working. And as far as I can see, it's the only way to get his respect back.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 But why are you in a relationship if you know you can't make one work right now? You don't have the tools to create a healthy and meaningful relationship. Be single - get therapy - turn your life around - live the life you want and then pursue a man. You come first...get that squared away..guy comes second. You can't just snap your fingers and have the right guy fall out of the sky when you are ready. This guy could have been the right guy if I was in a better place emotionally
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Seriously, come clean to your boyfriend. Tell him that you don't have the tools when it comes to dealing with stress and conflict in a relationship and that you need to work on yourself for the time being. Wish him well and then maybe you can come back in a few months. The way things are now just isn't working. And as far as I can see, it's the only way to get his respect back. I already kind of told him that and his response was that we can work on these issues together.
utterer of lies Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I already kind of told him that and his response was that we can work on these issues together. so WORK ON YOUR ISSUES. Instead of blaming him for random crap.
Imajerk17 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 so WORK ON YOUR ISSUES. Instead of blaming him for random crap. No kidding! And when you are being "unreasonable", are you usually aware of that? Then stop by then if not sooner!
vsmini Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 You can't just snap your fingers and have the right guy fall out of the sky when you are ready. This guy could have been the right guy if I was in a better place emotionally But that's like dating a person that has a lot of potential - being miserable while you wait around for them to change or get better - which is a terrible thing to do. It might be what he's doing with you. He's hoping there is light at the end of this tunnel. when you are better and have worked on yourself and your issues - TRULY WORKED ON THEM, NOT JUST LET ANOTHER COME INTO YOUR LIFE TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD SOMETIMES AND ASSUAGE THE PAIN - You will attract and find a good man. But you have to be 100% healthy and willing. Plus - when you are in a good place with who you are....having a man will not seem like such a priority.
oaks Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Nah, just end it. his friends are probably telling him to "dump the psycho biatch" anyways. I sure would be giving that advice... Yeah, and he's telling them that the make-up sex is totally worth it.
Richard Friedman Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Eternal Sunshine lol. More like eternal eclipse.
Ms. Joolie Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Well if it empowers you to break up with him, go for it. I just wish you would find just as much empowerment being in a relationship. Not just trying to end one. I've been there done that with insecurities. It's a very destructive pattern of behavior and not a very happy one. Building healthy and happy relationships is really all that matters, imo.
welikeincrowds Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I think you will be dissatisfied if you do not see this relationship to a clearer end than this.
oaks Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 He does seem terrified that I will dump him though and that's (sadly) the only card I hold over him right now. It shouldn't be sad that you've shared all your other cards with him! (Not unless you're a control freak.) Relationships work better when you play as a team, both looking at the same hand. Holding cards back for yourself means you're not committed to the relationship. Sometimes I wonder if you're a few aces short of a full deck. Ok, I'm all out of card analogies now.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 What should I do about the volleyball girl, honestly? Put her out of my mind completely? Address it again? I know that he is attracted to her, and now that they are going to spend all this time together it can quite easily grow into more. Maybe you should ask one goal for his take on the sitch?
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