Author Jono85 Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 It only takes a glance through the thread titles on LS to know that it exists because people are struggling to make relationships work and last. In most cases the threads are about human emotions, the confusion associated with having feelings for another human being and why things are continually going wrong. Now and again you'll get a thread like this one about the importance of looks, but they're few and far between. That's because people are struggling to find someone with whom they are compatible - which includes emotions, intellect, sexuality, values, beliefs, communication styles, humour etc, etc. The list goes on and on. People do not read or join LS because the can't find anyone they're attracted to. Sometimes, we get both men and women, usually with very low self esteem, who are concerned that nobody finds them attractive, but that's not quite the same thing. Do you really believe that all the people on LS are below par looks wise? I am certain there are plenty of 'hotties' amongst us and the 'hot' people have just as many problems with relationships as everyone else. You may have more opportunities for sex or dating if you're better looking but being good looking does not make it any easier to find the 'perfect fit' partner. It could even be a hindrance because you'll get more people 'pretending' they're your perfect fit in order to get your clothes off. There are very few people with whom we are truly compatible when it comes to a long term relationship. If you think otherwise you are kidding yourself. Finding the right person is like finding a needle in a haystack - that's why LS exists! I agree with most of this. However don't be naive to the fact that ppl are NOT going to admit that they left their previous SO b/c they lost attraction (and not only emotional attraction). Again how many times do you hear ppl saying they got dumped in here, or in real life, and their ex is already in a new relationship within a month or two?? Often times this new partner that the dumper found, was not just stumbled upon. No. 90+% of the time they met them during their past relationship. Again i'm not saying that the dumper doesn't find their old SO attractive anymore. But i wouldn't be naive to the fact that some ppl find new and more attractive ppl (NOT PHYSICALLY, but EVERYTHING, ie. not purely looks) and give in to temptation. Your other comment about me not knowing what love really is, it's fair, b/c i have not found true love yet. BUT, it's not fair in relation to my post b/c I'm not saying this is how I operate at all. Yes you may have found some of the things I said to be flawed, but i feel most of it are things everyone feels and looks for whether they want to admit it or not. EVERYONE has a certain attraction level threshhold, if you will. That person could have the best personality but simply will not be given the chance b/c of a lack of physical attraction. That's life. All i'm saying is, whether ppl want to sugarcoat it and say 'we lost our connectedness' or 'we're different ppl' etc etc, there ARE instances where simply put someone just found someone better. A more attractive, more successful, more confident, person who really likes them and is willing to love them, and so their old relationship falls apart. Once more though, I've never been in this situation so try not to judge me for simply believing this happens in life, and more often than ppl are willing to admit.
Author Jono85 Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 It has nothing to do with moral virtue or keeping up appearances. Some of us (the majority, if this thread is anything to go by) consider other qualities more important than looks in a partner. I readily acknowledge that there are many people who put looks above all else and that's their choice. Surely you can acknowledge that there are many people who don't. We're all different. Just because people disagree with you, it doesn't mean they're being dishonest or 'holier than thou'. Besides which, when you really love someone, and they love you, you wouldn't give that up for anything in the world - not unless you were a complete idiot! but then isn't this thread evidence enough (as NO ONE has said they'd trade up if someone else had better looks, was more successful, was a gentleman, etc etc) that ppl may not ever admit to these things. or do u think it's absolutely pure coincidence that none of those ppl that value looks happened to see this thread
rafallus Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 (edited) definition of subpar: below an average, usual, or normal level, quality, or the like; below par: This month his performance has been subpar. i know i'm nitpicking lol but you're kind of wrong. you can upgrade a BMW to a Rolls Royce. a BMW is not subpar. it's above par. it can still be upgraded. i would never suggest "settling" for someone you think doesn't measure up. but the REALITY of the situation is this...in every sucessfull marriage, that person has settled like you say at one point in their past for someone who wasn't as good as their current spouse. they may not have felt they were settling at the time, but obviously years later they are happier with someone else, so i guess you could make that argument?Actually, in your analogy, BMW can totally be subpar, if you expect to get Rolls Royce from the get go, but you don't have capability to do so, therefore you settle on BMW. There could be other situation: you buy BMW, think it's the ****, then you see Rolls Royce and "Awww man, BMW sucks compared to this!". Then you "upgrade" to Rolls Royce. As for bolded part - well, if you think about the person like in second situation I described, it's very hard to make an argument that you love/care about a person, so by breaking up, you actually do them a favor. but yes i know it's petty stuff. and truthfully i'm not 100% sure where i stand on it all. i'm probably shallow, but i know i won't even give certain girls a chance that, yes i could get turned on by them, but still don't find them all that attractive (not saying the girl i'm dating falls under this category at all). and i'm sure other girls do that to me as well. it's probably sad, and maybe that will change with me, but thats how it is unfortunately. Make no mistake - caring about looks is pretty valid concern, and not wrong in itself - nobody tells you to go after "morbidly obese toothless BBWs with chloracne". I do care about looks a lot - girl has to turn me on - otherwise it's a no go. It's just that upgrading BS, that doesn't sit with anything else. Edited June 27, 2011 by rafallus
LittleTiger Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Again i'm not saying that the dumper doesn't find their old SO attractive anymore. But i wouldn't be naive to the fact that some ppl find new and more attractive ppl (NOT PHYSICALLY, but EVERYTHING, ie. not purely looks) and give in to temptation. Not, when they truly love their partner they don't and there are three main reasons for this: 1) Lasting love, with someone who is compatible with us, is very, very, very difficult to find - as I've probably said three times already, if you're prepared to walk away from someone you genuinely love and have a really good life with for the mere possibility of something better, then you're seriously nuts. 2) When you are happy in a relationship with someone you love, there is no concept of someone else being better. 3) When you love someone, you care deeply about their feelings, their life, their future, their happiness. That means you don't give in to temptation just because you meet someone else you find really attractive. EVERYONE has a certain attraction level threshhold, if you will. That person could have the best personality but simply will not be given the chance b/c of a lack of physical attraction. That's life. Of course. Physical attraction must be present before two people will get together, but it's not about 'levels'. We don't control who or what is attractive to us - and we're all attracted to different things and different people. All i'm saying is, whether ppl want to sugarcoat it and say 'we lost our connectedness' or 'we're different ppl' etc etc, there ARE instances where simply put someone just found someone better. A more attractive, more successful, more confident, person who really likes them and is willing to love them, and so their old relationship falls apart. Once more though, I've never been in this situation so try not to judge me for simply believing this happens in life, and more often than ppl are willing to admit. I have no reason to judge you for your opinion or your beliefs, they are perfectly valid. I suspect though that, once you do experience love you will understand why many people disagree with you so strongly - and that they are being honest and genuine in what they say. Personally, I've never come across any instance where someone just 'found someone better' - either on the many LS threads I've read or in my own life or the lives of my friends and family. There is always, without exception, another reason behind the break-up of a relationship. When two people are happy together they don't split up, it's that simple.
LittleTiger Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 but then isn't this thread evidence enough (as NO ONE has said they'd trade up if someone else had better looks, was more successful, was a gentleman, etc etc) that ppl may not ever admit to these things. or do u think it's absolutely pure coincidence that none of those ppl that value looks happened to see this thread When I said there are many people who put looks above all else, I meant amongst the world population - not a select group of people on a relationship advice website. Most people who frequent LS are either struggling with relationship issues currently, or they have in the past and are now giving advice to others. Some are just interested in relationships. For that reason, I would hazard a guess that the people on LS are less shallow than the type of people I was talking about. Having said that, I have come across one or two ultra-shallow people on here, but they are massively in the minority. In real life, I've only come across maybe one or two such people. They weren't the sort who would even consider getting involved in a LTR, so they'd never had a SO to 'upgrade'. That aside, I think the most important factor here is how the question was worded ie would you upgrade your SO? The people most likely to answer are therefore people who have SO's ie people in reasonably LT relationships - and very likely relationships where the word 'love' has been used. As I've said several times, if you ask someone who loves their SO whether they would upgrade, the answer will almost certainly be a categorical 'no'. Therefore, the only conclusion we can reasonably draw is that the LS folk who are in loving relationships, and have taken the time to reply to this thread, consider their partner to be the right match for them. They're not refusing to admit anything, they just aren't willingly to consider the possiblity of someone else being better - ain't love grand?
GoodOnPaper Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Basically if you were getting much more attention from girls/guys that were a little out of your league before, would you be content with who you are with, or do you think it would eventually destroy your current relationship?? It would certainly strain the relationship -- when I was single, I never had options, so all of a sudden having them would be quite a shock.
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