derek519 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I was dating this girl for 4 months. I won't lie the first 3 months while I had very strong feelings for her I just couldn't convince myself to commit to a heavy relationship. It was confusing her and very hurting for her but she was extremely into me. We were on and off about 3 times and then we got into a huge argument and broke up for about a month. In that time I realized what I lost, someone extremely special and hard to find. I ended up calling her and telling her my regrets and my feelings for her and she decided to give me a chance and take things slow, and for two weeks everything went fantastic, up until this weekend. We got into another argument, a small tiny argument in which neither of us would take the blame. We ended up just running in circles for 2 days on it and then she decided to just call it quits and told me not to call her again, i texted her back saying some horrendous things. First thing the next morning I call her and apologize and we talked a good 2 hours but she decided we just would make better friends then lovers. She wants to start hanging out as friends as soon as I'm ready for it. My question here is, since I still have strong feelings for her should I just go on my way and forgot about her? Should I try to work things out as friends, even though in my head I will always have false hope of us connecting again? Should I do something to try to win her back or is it pretty pointless at this point?
thelovingkind Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 This is a textbook case for no contact. You can most certainly be friends further down the line but since you acknowledge you have false hope and ulterior motives at this stage, give yourself space to move on. The first contact as friends should feel peaceful, calm and "clear" of emotional debris, not swamped with expectation, hope and need.
Author derek519 Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Thank you! I think you are totally right. If I go into this friendship with the mentality that we could be together again, its only gonna hurt me more. I guess I need to tell her I have 2nd thoughts on us becoming friends, at least in the quick time frame she expects it. It's hard letting go of someone that you care for. Especially when you hurt them so much and realize that you care for them and just wanna treat them right now. Oh well. =[
Author derek519 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 I so badly want to call her and further apologize for how I treated her and promise her I can change, or just show up with flowers and apologize.. I know this is stupid but I can't stand that things ended like this.
thelovingkind Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Be strong. You've already apologised, there's nothing left to say right now. Months down the line you can rekindle the friendship and smooth out any ruffles from the scrappy ending, but right now contact = disappointment, rejection, hurt, set backs.
Author derek519 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Man, I got really weak and ended up texting her. I told her that I really needed to hear that she has no feelings for me and that we wont ever be back together. She asked me why I needed to hear this, and I told her its the only way to push myself forward without regret of knowing I could still be fighting for us and doing more to fix this. I told her I would delete her phone number and any other way of getting contact with her after she told me what I needed to hear. She text me back asking if she can call me tonight to discuss everything. So what should I feel about this? Will this just be more closure?
wny Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 It's so weird to me when people break up over a fight or two. But I've been with the same guy for 24 years now and we've learned some rules about fighting: 1) Resolve it as best you can so neither of you have to sleep on it unresolved. 2) Be willing to assume responsibility and admit your own errors and mistakes, and be grateful when your partner can do this is as well. 3) Realize a lot of fights are based on communications errors. You each come into a relationship with pre-conceived biases over how to interpret gestures and words. Those frames can be incredibly faulty, which means you hear very different things than what is intended, and only when you are aware of this can you request clarification and have a healthier attempt at resolution. Nobody should be breaking up over a small fight. There are much bigger issues in play that are going unresolved when that sort of thing happens, or you are dating a drama junkie. 4) Never communicate serious issues by a text message. Text messages are for movie meet-ups, quick questions, and funny jokes -- never for relationship issues. Among my friends, so many of the fights I've encountered are all about unnecessary cluttery baggage getting in the way of the real issues. But all they argue about are the minor provocations. I usually figure out what is really going on by asking a lot of questions about exactly what each side is feeling as things are said. Is something a trigger for past emotional traumas or parental baggage (when he says I am worthless it reminds me of what my mother said, or when she says I don't really love her, it reminds of what my ex said, etc.), is there a trust issue, is there deflection (oh yeah, but what about the time you said this!, or you just can't afford to lose an argument, can you). I know this may be beyond where you are at right now, but it's something useful to consider in the future.
Author derek519 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Thank you! You are totally right, especially about the communication. Texting has a huge play of fault in that. She would misinterpret what im saying or feeling over texting, same way with me to her. I should of called her when ever we got into a fight instead of trying to deal with it over texting.
Author derek519 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Need some advice. After talking for hours last week, my ex wants to "hang out" with her best friend and she wants me to bring a friend as well. Before this idea came up I told her that its impossible for us to be friends and I would not go down that road, but I did wanna try things again as a couple. So I'm kinda confused what her motives are for this. She told me it was to see how we interact.
Recommended Posts