joshgosh Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Hi new to this and any advice will be appreciated. I got together with a girl in my office earlier this year. Hadn't known her long, about one month before we had what I then thought was a one night stand. Anyway we just kept on seeing each other (obviously as we worked together!) and just sort of ended up together. There is little chemistry between us and I have just let things carry on. She's great company though and I would like to remain friends. I have no idea how she is going to take it when I finish with her but please share your experiences of breaking up with someone you work with. I am 30 by the way, she is 28 and we both have quite serious careers in the city. Thank you all!!
leftfordead2 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Hi new to this and any advice will be appreciated. I got together with a girl in my office earlier this year. Hadn't known her long, about one month before we had what I then thought was a one night stand. Anyway we just kept on seeing each other (obviously as we worked together!) and just sort of ended up together. There is little chemistry between us and I have just let things carry on. She's great company though and I would like to remain friends. I have no idea how she is going to take it when I finish with her but please share your experiences of breaking up with someone you work with. I am 30 by the way, she is 28 and we both have quite serious careers in the city. Thank you all!! Haven't you heard that it's wise not to eat and $hit at the same place?
Author joshgosh Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 HA! I know I hadn't planned on seeing her. It just happened. To be honest if I had thought about it more I wouldn't have ever let it carry on for so long. When you work with someone you see them all the time and they just sort of grow on you. You get used to them. I just don't know what to expect - how she'll react...I'm a little nervous and I haven't been in the job long.
vsmini Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Well every situation is different. How long have you been together? Are you an exclusive couple? Have you ever even talked about it? This is where it gets messy. I did the same stupid thing - Only I'm the female. One night stand turned into something more. I was stupid and ignored red flags about him not wanting committment, he was stupid and finally agreed to it to please me. one and a half year half-ass relationship with bad communication on both our parts and me being frustrated constantly. He broke up with me and it was a freaking disaster. Hated seeing him at work - hated knowing our co-workers found out we were together and then broke up. He would talk about things in front of me to co-workers that I found insensitive (but he obviously didn't realize he was being a jerk or just didnt care). I tried to be mature and so did he but it was a nightmare for the both of us. How much is she invested in this relationship? Will your break up be a surprise to her? You obviously can't stay with her "just because" but it's going to suck - most likely. Can you transfer? Live and learn - I learned a ton from that messy relationship and I'm a better person for it, so it wasn't a total wash. But I did learn - never date a co-worker. I don't care if my soulmate comes thru the HR department tomorrow and he gets the job...he wants to date me......he has to find a new job.
Author joshgosh Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Transfering is not an option. I hope she can be mature about it. I'm not a a**hole and wouldn't talk about her to other people I work with or anything like that. We are not 'lovey dovey' at all at work and maybe no everyone even knows we are seeing each other. It is an exclusive relationship and I think she's much more into me than I am into her. She has asked me to move into with her. She says it's so we can both save money and travel into work together each morning. In short, she's way too keen. We are also quite different - I know opposities attract -but we are too opposite. The only thing we have in common is that we work in the same place! We have been together since January.
sm1tten Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I am pretty mortified to say that this has happened to me twice, in the same company, recently. Neither relationship was serious or long term - one was a little over a month of exclusive dating, and one was a couple weeks of casually dating. I'm the female, and I broke it off both times. Now, with Guy A it was something totally unexpected, and I learned a lot about what I want, and it ended on friendly terms. With Guy B, that one turned out to have some major issues and I have no idea what to expect as it just ended yesterday. I have no idea why I even went there - it was reckless and dumb and frankly, insane to attempt that again. I'm with vsmini - I don't care if the man of my dreams walks into the building, I'm not ever, ever, ever doing this again. I can only sort of relate to your situation, so the only thing I can suggest is to be honest with her as soon as possible; let her know that you are not on the same page, and hope for the best. I wouldn't suggest attempting to remain friends as if she is truly too into you/too keen on you, she may have a hard time sticking to the new boundaries. She may also feel that you led her on, as it doesn't sound like she knows that you don't feel the same as she does. Do you work together at work?
vsmini Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Transfering is not an option. I hope she can be mature about it. I'm not a a**hole and wouldn't talk about her to other people I work with or anything like that. We are not 'lovey dovey' at all at work and maybe no everyone even knows we are seeing each other. It is an exclusive relationship and I think she's much more into me than I am into her. She has asked me to move into with her. She says it's so we can both save money and travel into work together each morning. In short, she's way too keen. We are also quite different - I know opposities attract -but we are too opposite. The only thing we have in common is that we work in the same place! We have been together since January. Well it's good that you're not an a**hole and you think both of you are mature but it will still suck very badly (I assume). Maturity can't push away the pain she will probably feel but eventually things will settle down. I'm sure I don't have to tell you (but she should know) that two people moving in together for the primary reasons of: Commute and Money Saving are big No-No's. At 28 she should realize that. You want to do the cleanest break up possible? Then I suggest the following - in retrospect, if I had to be broken up with again this is what I would have wanted/done. -Talk to her in person and tell her that you don't want to be in a relationship anymore. That you aren't compatible and what you have is not what you're looking for. Just be honest and stand your ground. - Tell her that you're still planning on working where you work and want to be as professional as possible with her. - DO NOT try to be friends. Seriously - I'll say it again...especially since you work together. DO NOT TRY TO BE FRIENDS. -Don't drag the breakup out and give her second, third or 7th chances because you want to muffle the pain on her end or yours. It will suck at first but you'll heal faster. So will she. Also - you dumped her and you're newer to the company. I personally think you should bow out of happy hour with work friends for a month or so since she will probably be there. It's a suggestion - not a requirement. It'd do you both good to stay out of the way, whenever possible.
Lilmisus Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 If you work near each other, to the point where you would have to see one another at least every other day, I'd try to communicate a bit with her to just agree on where y'all stand, work wise. See how she'd feel about being friends, and if she agrees to it, then you both can work on it. If she doesn't want to be friends, then you need to respect that and try to make your presence be as slim as possible around her, and try to avoid her when the situation arises. You could try the whole nice and friendly thing, but she needs time to get over the breakup, and you need to try to give her that space best you can while working together.
Author joshgosh Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 We work in the same office, 13 people in total so this is going to be difficult! She sits to my left and there's only one person separating us.
vsmini Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 We work in the same office, 13 people in total so this is going to be difficult! She sits to my left and there's only one person separating us. Ouch. Man - that's way worse than I had it. Comforting, i know. Don't know what else to say. Break up - stay professional....bite down on that stick and suck it up.
sm1tten Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 We work in the same office, 13 people in total so this is going to be difficult! She sits to my left and there's only one person separating us. Yeahhhh that's a rough one. If you've been together for 6 months and she's looking to take it to the next step and you're actually looking for the exit... well, there WILL be fallout, have no doubt. But perhaps if she values her job, and you do too, it can just be awkwardly cold and professional at work. Much better than dramatics or getting fired.
Lady vs Panda Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 All you can do is be as mature and nice to her as you can be, and be as professional as possible in the office. It will be awkward for a while, just count on that and accept you will have to pay some dues there for making a rookie mistake like getting involved with someone you work in a small office with. Continue to be friendly with her and hope that she will follow that lead...friendly-but-professional. I broke up with somebody at work once, but I was transferring to an overseas office for a year so it was pretty easy. That probably doesn't help you any. I have since only dated men I work with peripherally, a couple of times, usually when I'm in a transitional office, and I have very strong boundaries about people I work closely/regularly with.
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