MissMoni Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I used to fantasize for months about just how I would say Happy Birthday, and then I realized that all of my Merry Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Years texts were answered politely, by a mass text, and in the case of New Year's, not at all. I was also the one to contact him on each and everyone of these days. I'm feeling a bit guilty as I (I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE) looked at his fb this morning just to see if anyone remembered his birthday. A couple people had posted, among them girls he always couldn't stand when we were dating. Seeing him be able to greet them so enthusiastically and tell them he wanted to "catch up" hurt, as obviously if I wished him a Happy Birthday I would get little more than a polite "Thanks!". Obviously I have decided for a while not to say anything. I have been praying on it and couldn't seem to come to any decision other than I needed to let him go completely. This hurts. We dated for 2 years and for each birthday we celebrated (and any major holiday, really) I went ALL out for him, buying him gifts he wanted for ages, making him handmade cards, writing him letters, cooking for him. You name it. I guess this really hurts because last year we were together on his birthday. I almost feel selfish in not saying anything, but then I remember how distant and cold he was leading up to the breakup, how I tried to be "friends" for 8 months and he essentially kept pushing me away. This will be one of the first things I have done that seems "mean" to me, but I don't really see what good would come of me acknolwedging his birthday. If I texted him, I would get a canned response or no response at all. If I called him, I know he would answer but I would get some generic 10 minute conversation, then him telling me he was off to go do whatever. If I facebooked him, I would just get pissed that he wrote nice things to other people. Birthdays were always really big with me, so I know he will notice if I just suddenly don't say anything at all. I don't want to hurt him, I really don't. But I can't keep holding on to thin air. If he gets upset I didn't acknowledge his birthday, then I guess that just proves he's not as "indifferent" to me as he pretends. I asked a male friend if he would be upset (he was a dumper) if his dumpee didn't say anything for his bday, and he said, no, he wouldn't be angry, he would understand why. I have decided not to say Happy Birthday, for any reason. I don't know if this is jerkish of me to do since he seems to think we are "friends" (although he never talks to me, or tries to). I just can't deal with this kind of "friendship" anymore. I loved him so much in the relationship, and he never seemed to believe that I did love him. So what's the point of me continuing to try to prove myself? I just need some support today...I have already cried, and I don't want to give up. I will be posting in here throughout the day if I feel any temptation. You LoveShack posters have been so supportive of everyone, and I just want to thank you for helping me make the right decision.
Kilty Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 You are doing great and you know what the right thing to do is. Come tomorrow you will feel much easier Today is a milestone and hopefully it will piss him off that you never acknowledged it Proud of ya
Author MissMoni Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Thanks Kilty. It was definitely a hard decision to make. Hopefully the day will get easier as it goes on. He is SO the kind of guy who would get pissed and use that as an excuse not to talk to me again..but he wasn't talking to me before so what do I really have to lose, lol. If anything this might show him I'm not a little puppet on a string that will be in the background anymore. I hope he has a great day, I really do. But I'm not at the point where I can say that I am happy about the breakup. I guess one is never "happy" about such things. They just had to happen.
Kilty Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Exactly Not acknowledging it evaporates the hold in his mind that he has on you. Plus you know before that being nice to this guy doesnt get you anywhere. Rejoice in your decision x
Author MissMoni Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 I was also quite nervous, as he sent me a text on my birthday a couple months ago. But then, thinking about it, I realized..I really hadn't DONE anything for him to be upset and not wish me a happy birthday. After all, he is the one who dumped me! So while I felt like I should "return" his favor, I also realize that it's not really doing me any good pretending that I can be friends with someone I still have feelings for. Those feelings are slowly sliding away as I realize more and more that he wasn't good for me. I don't want to do this to punish him, I want to do it to save myself...
just_scott Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 i kind of know what you're going through my exs birthday is comming up in like 3 weeks ,I already even went out and bought her a gift before i was walked out on ,UP until like a week ago i was planning on just putting the gift in a card and dropping it in her mailbox BUT i'm not gonna be doing any such thing ,we have been in N.C for about a month now -i haven't even gotten the hi how are you doing call [like many seem to get ] I think until we move on find someone else birthdays,holidays,special days are just gonna bug us some i think it's pretty normal just got to not let it bug you too much and don't dwell on it -it's gonna be hard for me i already know
Author MissMoni Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 I feel you just_scott. I feel like a complete jerk. I'm not one to ignore people's birthdays. I've even said Happy Birthday to people I have REALLY disliked a lot, so this is just out of character for me. It feels weird to me. I know this is all a step of moving on and letting go, but I think I never wanted to "let go" in the first place. I always wanted to be friends with him because he was really important to me. So doing this is very hard for me. Just knowing he could come back and say, "Well I stopped talking to you because you didn't wish me a happy birthday so I figured we weren't friends." This is such a stupid fear to have, I know. It just makes things final. I always felt like when things went wrong in the relationship, they were my fault. And now, I feel like if we never talk again , it would be my fault too. I know this isn't rational thinking. I just know I need to move on with my life, and I won't accomplish that by talking to him, or even wishing him a happy birthday. Of course I still love him so a part of me says..well what if it hurts his feelings, me not saying anything? Then I remember, well he didn't seem to worried about my feelings when he dumped me... Which in turn just makes me feel spiteful -_- Update: Now he's posted his birthday on FB, when he's had it taken off for months. Hm...
just_scott Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 miss moni yep i totally understand where you're comming from we're both in the same boat totally i've though just what you've said about would it hurt her feelings that i didn't wish her a happy b'day AND then think well my feelings weren't taken into consideration when she dumpped me ,like you i'd feel spite ful also THOUGH it's not really the case ,i didn't want to let go either like you AND boy is it a dam struggle huh the emotions going through us what a friggin roller coaster ride I'D ask you to message me on here BUT i'm not an ''established member '' BUT if you'd like to drop me an e-mail i would leave you my address in a post MAYBE being we're going through such the same things talking it out would be a good thing
Author MissMoni Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 I actually don't know if that is allowed...I don't really have a personal email that I give out, I'm sorry :/ just one for work/school. But I would be happy to continue the convo in this thread. I am sorry you are hurting. I think right now I need to shut my computer and go out and do something I enjoy instead of sitting here obsessing over it. It's been 8 months, so of course I accept our relationship is done. It's just so hard, knowing it's his bday, knowing how special we have made it in the past, knowing that will never be again. It's difficult. But hey, if I could get through V-Day and our anniversary already...I can get through this. I actually think I am sadder today than I was for V-Day 0_o which is weird..
Author MissMoni Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Well. I failed. Texted him about an hour ago and then wrote on his wall. I didn't find out any new information. I didn't send a super eager text, just "Happy Birthday, ____." He responded back with a "Thanks, ______!" as I knew he would. I am dissapointed not in his response, but myself. I feel like I keep failing over and over. I should have been stronger not to say anything at all, but not only did I text him, I wrote on his wall an hour later..both from my phone. Desperate much? Really? Sigh. I really, really feel like a failure. I am so angry at myself. I know everyone is going to say, well, you deserve that, because you shouldn't have broken NC. It seems that no matter how long I go I always break it for a holiday or something stupid. I really did care so that makes it hard as well. I was doing so well. 5 more hours.... UGH
aiina Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Well. I failed. Texted him about an hour ago and then wrote on his wall. I didn't find out any new information. I didn't send a super eager text, just "Happy Birthday, ____." He responded back with a "Thanks, ______!" as I knew he would. I am dissapointed not in his response, but myself. I feel like I keep failing over and over. I should have been stronger not to say anything at all, but not only did I text him, I wrote on his wall an hour later..both from my phone. Desperate much? Really? Sigh. I really, really feel like a failure. I am so angry at myself. I know everyone is going to say, well, you deserve that, because you shouldn't have broken NC. It seems that no matter how long I go I always break it for a holiday or something stupid. I really did care so that makes it hard as well. I was doing so well. 5 more hours.... UGH Hey! don't feel bad about yourself, that's the last thing you should be doing now, what you MUST do is to delete him off your facebook (or delete off your account) and delete his phone number from your mobile. that's the first step, really difficult one, but if you want to put yourself together, that's the way to go.
Author MissMoni Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Well. I don't have his number in my phone, I deleted it when we first broke up. But I still have it memorized...and I would delete him on FB, but I have already and redadded him a month ago so...I know that would make me look like a spaz..I haven't been on his profile but to wish him a happy birthday...it just makes me mad that I have continued to be nice... he really isn't a jerk, and I know it wasn't in his intentions to hurt me. But still. I continue to make myself look like an idiot...I just couldn't let the day pass by someone who I love and not say happy birthday, it made me feel bad..and I am angry it made me feel bad, I shouldn't have cared at all
Author MissMoni Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Well, my mom is upset I texted him..as well as my friend. She said that I obviously still have some things to work on since I felt a need to text him. I honestly feel like I am never going to be over him. And I know if I hadn't texted him, I would have just felt like a jerk the rest of the week. ...hence, the feeling like a failure. I know I just have to get back up and know it's not the end of the world. But really. Why couldn't I just have said nothing.
aiina Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 MissMoni, you should really delete him off from facebook or delete your full account (I recommend the complete deletion, but some people just can't) Do not feel bad about today, we've been all though this at some point, you know? I did all humiliating things once with an ex, and that was how I learnt that NC is the way to go. I had other break ups after that particular one, and though they hurt, I knew how to handle them. Also these situations woke me up to other things I needed to learn. We seem to learn always from difficult things, when all's happy we don't think much, do we? Learn the lesson from today instead of feeling bad, you'll do great, really.
Kilty Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Tut Tut Sometimes you have to stick your finger in the fire so to know not to do it again. You really have put yourself in a position by deleting/re-adding him on FB but you know yourself that it is only going to cause you more heartbreak in the future so it's up to you how you proceed from here. The only way you are going to claim back your self respect is to delete him and block him. Maybe not today - but within the next week. Otherwise you are just going to go down this cycle again sometime in the future and put a halt to you moving on. You have proved to yourself that you cannot stop yourself. You are hoping that by initiating contact - however inane - that it's going to produce a turnaround in the situation between you and him. Chances are it will - but not in the way you think it will. Its a bit rich me giving this advice as the very reason im giving it is ive done the exact same as you in the past - thats why im an expert on it ! But this is the last sympathy im giving you if you do it again You are only boosting his ego and lowering your own - but you know all this. Do yourself a favour missy ! x
Author MissMoni Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Thanks guys. I guess we all do need to stick our hands in the fire to learn. I just keep sticking it in. I don't think I will delete him from FB, but I haven't had him on my newsfeed in months and I think I will stay off facebook for the next couple of weeks. I guess it's just hard because it's an emotional day.
Author MissMoni Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 Made a mistake yesterday. Won't let that define me. Got up this morning and tore up all of his contact information. It's only going to get better once I LET it get better. There is something holding me on to this, and I'm not sure what that it is...but I need to figure it out.
Author MissMoni Posted June 26, 2011 Author Posted June 26, 2011 I also just deleted all of the pictures and letters I had still on my computer. They used to be "Hidden". But I figure..there is no point to keeping them anymore. I really need to let him go completely. Haven't deleted on fB, but I will be staying off my account in the meantime. It's a bunch of drama anyways.
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