Celestine Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Back in February I had an intense fling with a guy who I was really attracted to. We made out a couple of times, I never gave in to anything more, and he didn't pressure me to do that. There were lots of stories on him that I knew. Let me say, they say he's a player(though he's always been nice, polite and interested when talking to me). I didn't want a ONS, so I figured I'd better stay away. We even talked about that, he said, he wouldn't be wanting to commit so we'd rather not have sex because he didn't want me to get hurt(I told him before that casual sex isn't for me). He moved but still stayed in contact with me through Facebook, initiating convos every couple of weeks. From April on he visited our town every other weekend because his family lives here. So we actually saw each other pretty often. He was always attentive asking how I had been and so on. Anyway, I wasn't so keen on keeping this contact because I knew I had feelings for him and I tried to move on and had gotten to know a new guy. But every party we're at, he has a couple of girls all over him(and good looking ones, just to say) but he's doing nothing else than watching me, behaving like a little child to get attention and "accidentally" bumping into me every twenty minutes. It's been 5 months since we agreed that there will be no ONS. So why does he keep doing this? I won't give it to him. But I'm super attracted to him and I have a really hard time moving on when he keeps pushing. I don't want to want him. But I do. I wish this attraction would just fade...
musemaj11 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 He is indeed a child who wants something he cant get. Once he gets it however ...
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Once you understand why you're attracted, you can process and resolve it. If you find this to be a pattern, then perhaps it's time for some self-reflection. Once one sees the Hoover for what it is, it's easier to pull the plug. Tricky, though, keeping from getting shocked in the process.
Author Celestine Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Once you understand why you're attracted, you can process and resolve it. And how do I understand that? I mean I'd just say that there is some type of connection between him and me that we had from the very beginning. But that sounds so cliché..
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I'll use an unhealthy example from my own experience: I've tended to be attracted to women who inevitably always turned out bat-shyte crazy, mentally ill or emotionally broken. For myself, this attraction was two-fold. First, having had (my exW's description) a Beaver Cleaver life, I wanted to 'save' them and show them how different life could be. Secondly, and building on the first point, I wanted to prove my worth and show my success by 'fixing' them. Love them enough, care for them enough, show them my path enough and I get this shiny medal on my chest for doing good in life. Unhealthy thinking. Now, when I feel those dynamics stirring my loins, I recognize it and, regardless of the person themselves, I know the issue lies within myself. To me, it's an exepdient tool to accept certain attractions, process them and then move on, ostensibly to healthier dynamics. Although the focus of MC wasn't on this issue, rather our M, the therapy within helped me discover my own unhealthy patterns. My exW was/is an emotionally distant person who suffered great trauma growing up, hence her derisive comparison to my 'TV show' life. Hopefully she'll find happiness with someone more compatible. The good news is you'll have many opportunities to feel and build 'connections' in life. Picking the right people to *act* on those feelings and desires with is an elemental life lesson. Some get it sooner. Others, like myself, much later. Hope it's sooner for you. Later sucks.
Author Celestine Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Well, I think part of my attraction towards him comes from the fact that there's always a couple of girls around that would give anything to have a kiss from him and I could get him to make out with me in a minute. I really thrive on his attention and the fact that he makes it clear to them that they don't even have to think about it. But it's not a pattern for me. None of the other guys I was seeing at some point were like this.
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Try reflecting upon why you are no longer seeing the other men, presuming of course that you were attracted to them, and then applying the results to this dynamic. Assuming you ended the other relations, at some point, you felt low enough attraction to discontinue, or your attraction was superseded by incompatibilities, or the men dumped you. Questions: How old are you? How well do you know him? You mentioned five months time. Five months is a long time. Lastly, save for that small subset of men who might find you grossly unattractive, you can pretty much get any man to *make out* with you. If he is a player, he'll always be grooming and maintaining a new stock of prospects while banging a subset of them. In my generation, the man was called a 'womanizer' and the women had pages in his 'black book'. Sometimes he was single and sometimes he was married. He was generally good looking and socially charismatic. He was 'easy' to be with and his women thrived on his attention. One last question: What kind of relationship are you looking for?
Ruby Slippers Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 He is a conquest to you, nothing more. If you WANT hot sex with him, have it. Nothing wrong with that. But don't expect anything beyond that, except maybe a few more steamy nights at best. If you don't want sex with him, just avoid him.
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 R_S, as much as I'm a 'relationship sex' guy, I think you're absolutely right. She is attracted to him, thrives on his attention and would probably have his babies at this point. Do it, fulfill the sexual destiny and then accept the result. Now that you mentioned it, in a different way, this is how I rid myself of my one grossly unhealthy attraction, by playing it all the way out. It cost me my marriage, but the scourge of a generation is gone. Hopefully, the OP's choice will be far more pleasurable and brief. Good call
Author Celestine Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Questions: How old are you? Just 20. How well do you know him? You mentioned five months time. Five months is a long time. Well, when I first met him I actually spent quite some time with him. We were working at the same place. We spent our lunch breaks together, so I actually know quite a lot about him. Though our contact has been less intense since he moved. Lastly, save for that small subset of men who might find you grossly unattractive, you can pretty much get any man to *make out* with you. If he is a player, he'll always be grooming and maintaining a new stock of prospects while banging a subset of them. In my generation, the man was called a 'womanizer' and the women had pages in his 'black book'. Sometimes he was single and sometimes he was married. He was generally good looking and socially charismatic. He was 'easy' to be with and his women thrived on his attention. One last question: What kind of relationship are you looking for? A more serious one, if I were looking for some distraction/casual sex, I would be giving in to this guy in a second.
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 At your age, I would opine your attraction for him will fade once the next young man with whom you feel a 'connection' comes into your life. So, get out there and meet more young men. Alternatively, you could see him as a stepping stone to that serious relationship you desire; an educational, albeit pleasurable, experience. TBH, you'll likely get 'better' advice from mature female posters like Ruby_Slippers, since they've lived and breathed your dynamic.
Author Celestine Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 The next young man is right there and I like him for a lot of reason and I am super attracted to him. It feels good. He's different from the other guy, confident, but very calm. But every time I see the other guy, it's a step in the wrong direction. And everytime I feel like a really bad person because I shouldn't feel this way about another guy.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 At your age, I would opine your attraction for him will fade once the next young man with whom you feel a 'connection' comes into your life. So, get out there and meet more young men. I think that's at any age. A long time ago, someone told me "the best way to get over one man is to get under another," and I scoffed, and blushed, at the crudeness of the statement. But now I realize he was totally right. Attraction, flirtation, affection, and sex stir up chemicals and make various kinds of magic. To get free of the spell you're under with this guy, simply get into a spell with another guy -- that means circulating and meeting new people.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 But every time I see the other guy, it's a step in the wrong direction. And everytime I feel like a really bad person because I shouldn't feel this way about another guy. Don't see him. Avoid him entirely. With time, the lure will lose power.
truthbeknown Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 that's your biology talking to you and before i understood this i was involved in some bad relationships based on my biology running the show. It's a "mating" versus "bonding" experience and you can find out more about it from a forum called reuniting.org or get the book, "cupids poison arrow". It helped me enourmously understand my attraction points and even though i'm not sure i'll do everything they describe as a solution in the book (have to wait to find a new partner before that) it helped explain why i was having issues in relationships or why people are attracted to certain biological cues like "competition between females". this is a biological response built into your system and you're not the only one who is wondering about it! its a good read...
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