Lilmisus Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 If you're in a relationship, how often do you have sex? This isn't about me, but the reason I ask, is because a friend is in a new relationship. She's a teen, and her boyfriend is 20. They've seen each other only a few times and been together for less than a month, yet he keeps pushing sex. They had sex for the first time last week when they last saw each other, and he figured they'd have it again today, and was pissed when they didn't. Gave the excuse that since they don't see each other that often (yet..she's getting a car in a couple weeks) that they should have sex when they do. I think this is a bunch of bs. Especially in a new relationship. Am I the only one who thinks that that just spells f*ck buddies when all you want to do when you see each other is have sex? He said he wouldn't have offered to pay for gas and food if he didn't know that there was no sex involved. Wouldn't of even offered to hang out if he had known. I'm sorry but that just seems like an a**hole to me, but my friend doesn't understand and keeps saying "she loves him." Please. So..not only share, but what do you think I can tell my friend to knock some sense into her?
musemaj11 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Maybe she should pay for the gas and the food so the guy doesn't feel shortchanged.
LexiB Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 She should have sex when the mood mutually strikes, not just according to her bfs time table - and especially not when her bf acts like he's entitled to it just because he paid for something. Your friend's not a prostitute. She doesn't owe him anything.
musemaj11 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 She should have sex when the mood mutually strikes, not just according to her bfs time table - and especially not when her bf acts like he's entitled to it just because he paid for something. Your friend's not a prostitute. She doesn't owe him anything. Her bf didnt grow his money on trees.
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Presuming 'teen' does not include statutory rape, ask her why she's hanging out with the guy. What is he offering her or what it she getting out of the interaction which impels her to continue and to have sex with the young man? She could be hanging out with her girlfriends and having a great time with no worries about having sex too often, or at all. Asking someone 'why' often leads to interesting revelations.
Sugarkane Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 If he really cared for her then he would wait until she feels comfortable too. It defiently sounds like f buddies to me.
Sugarkane Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 It doesn't sound like she knows this guy very well. As you stated that they've only met a few times and have been together less than a month. Thats not very long at all is it?
LexiB Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Her bf didnt grow his money on trees. Yeah, and...? If he expects to be rewarded sexually every time he spends money on his GIRLFRIEND then what he needs is a prostitute, not a relationship.
BetheButterfly Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 He said he wouldn't have offered to pay for gas and food if he didn't know that there was no sex involved. Wouldn't of even offered to hang out if he had known. I'm sorry but that just seems like an a**hole to me, but my friend doesn't understand and keeps saying "she loves him." Please. So..not only share, but what do you think I can tell my friend to knock some sense into her? This is not love. This is him trying to coerce her into what he wants, without any regard whatsoever for her feelings. He is taking advantage of her infatuation with him. I would look up and have her listen to the song "When a Man Loves a Woman" I think it's by Michael Bolton? and then talk to her about what love between a man and a woman really looks like. Ask her what she wants, a f*** relationship, or a relationship with a man who truly loves her and cares about ALL of her. Hopefully she will listen.
BetheButterfly Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Guys like him are a disgrace to men, Guys like him gives the rest of us a bad name unfortunately. But if she is to stupid to realise what a jerk he is then I cant really feel sorry for her. She is young... she sounds very innocent and naive. Sad to say, many innocent and naive girls get preyed on and then they become bitter and fearful later on in life.
musemaj11 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Yeah, and...? If he expects to be rewarded sexually every time he spends money on his GIRLFRIEND then what he needs is a prostitute, not a relationship. So a relationship is when a guy spends money on a girl and he can't expect anything back? That sounds more like charity to me.
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Money (in dating) is the concentration of skills and efforts achieved over time and with care onto one point in time with one person is the focus, in this case the young woman. Money is a name for all those aspects, reduced into a form of easily negotiable currency; currency that many women look to as a prerequisite of making themselves available to a man for dating or a relationship or a marriage. Fairness dictates she offer something of value in return, or else the dynamic is inequitable. Generally, she offers what a man's male companions cannot, that being female affection and sex. In a healthy dynamic, IMO, both partners are offering equally, using the strengths of each other's 'currency'. Take sex out of the equation, like with friends, and I doubt few people will consistently focus the currency of their life work upon one particular person without remuneration. It's the interest in sex, a very basic biological drive, which muddies up the picture. Given the discourse here on LS, and often IRL, why else would men and women even get together? The young lady should expect that *all* young men want to have sex in a dating situation and she should engage (or not) openly and in accordance with her own personal boundaries. Putting a meter on sex, once it becomes an expression of one's desire and psychology within a dating dynamic or relationship, degrades the synergy IMO. If the young lady's and young man's perspectives about sex and dating don't match up, then they are incompatible, same as if their perspectives about who 'pays' for dating don't match up. Someone for everyone.
oldguy Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 She damn well better have reached the age of consent or how often would be; NEVER. Also, the picture you are painting of your fiend makes him sound like a dirt bag. Is he?
LexiB Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I would look up and have her listen to the song "When a Man Loves a Woman" I think it's by Michael Bolton? Ahhh...you just hurt my soul with this.
Author Lilmisus Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 She damn well better have reached the age of consent or how often would be; NEVER. Also, the picture you are painting of your fiend makes him sound like a dirt bag. Is he? I honestly think he is. I don't like him, but mainly with how he treats their relationship. Plus the fact that he's a liar (I've caught him in about five already...not to do with her), and the fact that he's a drug dealer. Not the catch at all. I was trying to tell her to dump him the other day, but he threw around "love" like you wouldn't believe. She's 16, and doesn't have parent approval. Never should be the answer, and she said she wanted to wait, but he pushed it on her. Why? I have NO idea. Apparently getting laid is worth possibly going to jail.
LexiB Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 So a relationship is when a guy spends money on a girl and he can't expect anything back? That sounds more like charity to me. Err, nope, pretty sure I never said that. In a relationship sharing your body and sharing your finances with your partner should be done because you want to, not because you expect something back for your physical or fiscal generosity. (Notice how I'm not assigning male or female roles to either of these actions.) But if tit-for-tat is the mindset one has going into a relationship, then I'll reiterate that the classic hooker-jon set-up is ideal for such person. One party would get to dictate when and how they got it based in how much $$ they spent, and the other would get to control their financial stability based on how often they gave it. It's a bit of a stretch from an actual, loving relationship, but to each his own. In any event, it's the guy's attitude here that's more disturbing than anything. To think that he actually got mad at her - *obviously* pissed off, not merely sad or disappointed - for not putting out, all because he paid for the date. It's disgusting.
LexiB Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I honestly think he is. I don't like him, but mainly with how he treats their relationship. Plus the fact that he's a liar (I've caught him in about five already...not to do with her), and the fact that he's a drug dealer. Not the catch at all. I was trying to tell her to dump him the other day, but he threw around "love" like you wouldn't believe. She's 16, and doesn't have parent approval. Never should be the answer, and she said she wanted to wait, but he pushed it on her. Why? I have NO idea. Apparently getting laid is worth possibly going to jail. Aghhh!!! Nevermind!!! :eek:
Lady vs Panda Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 You know what, the guy is a dirtbag who is using her for sex, and he's a liar, and a drug dealer, and she is sixteen years old and has blinders on and is going to get wrecked. I wouldn't ordinarily say this but I would actually think about telling her parents if I were you. It would help her out in the long run but she'd be pissed at you for a while, that's true. Maybe you could just sort of anonymously clue them in somehow. Although think about what her relationship with them is like first, for instance is her family violent or super controlling? If they are, this might not be the way to go either.
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 The sixteen and drug dealer could've been in the original post, dontcha think? Kinda relevant
soulm8 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 The sixteen and drug dealer could've been in the original post, dontcha think? Kinda relevant Totally relevant! Why mention those now??
Lady vs Panda Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Better late than never. OP, your friend is in a bad situation, you need to take it seriously. It's not just about a boyfriend being kind of a jerk.
UpDownAllAround Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 (edited) "She said she wanted to wait; but he pushed it on her." AND she's 16? This guy should be going to jail for a long long time. I would seriously consider the option of telling her parents about what he's done. Edited June 25, 2011 by UpDownAllAround
scarlett27 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Wow less then a month ? No wonder men think they are on toa good think what ever happened to making someone wait and building a relationship rather then thinking someone is using u for sex?
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 As a more general discussion point, successful men don't 'wait' to lay out their sexual agenda because they know, without putting it out there on the table immediately and consistently revisiting it, another, more assertive, man will swoop in and stir the loins of their intended and whisk her away to his lair. Or something like that Men like the one in this thread are the topic of many threads on LS, mostly started by 'nice guys' who lament the girl going for the loser user drug dealer and passing them by. They can't compete with his aura of confidence, assertiveness and aggression. They woo women. He cherry-picks teenagers. There was a (IMO) sick/disgusting saying when I was a teenager that, if she's old enough to bleed, she's old enough to breed. Some men think like that. Ergo... When I was young, I thought it healthy to 'wait' and build intimacy and an emotional connection before engaging in sexual activity. However, this period occurred during one of the most sweeping sexual and gender revolutions in recent history, so bad timing I guess
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