romance_dawn Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I'm a 20 year old college senior who's still financially dependent on my parents. I have a really close relationship with my mom, so this current situation is very distressing. Recently, my boyfriend of a year and I decided to get back together after a four month break up. It was a rough breakup, but those issues (admittedly, practically entirely my wrongdoing) we've dealt with and move past. My mother however, has developed a dislike for him because of our dramatic breakup. My boyfriend just graduated this year and will be attending graduate school in another state. Since I have some free time before my semester starts, I was planning on visiting him. I mentioned this to my mother, telling her that I wanted to visit and asking if she was okay with that. She flat out said no, and has since refused to have a conversation about why exactly she objects. She's mentioned me not spending enough time with family, worrying about my reputation (I thought she was joking but I guess not), and asked why he couldn't come visit me. Every time I ask her to elaborate or explain her concerns, she just shuts down and says that this isn't a discussion and she's not there to try to convince me. She's even gone so far as to say she thought she raised me better than that but this was proving that she was wrong... She's refused to budge on this issue, and I'm equally stubborn, so the standstill we've come to is that I've declared my plans to go, and she has stated that we have different views and she neither understands nor supports my decision. Now, I don't expect her to give me her blessings, but I was hoping that she'd respect my decisions as an independent adult. But, no such luck. She's stated that if I go, I don't need to talk to her about any decisions ever again, and no longer wants to plan the family vacation we were scheduling. Growing up, my mom and I have always been very close, and she's always been supportive. I feel strongly about going and feel the need to stand my ground on this, but her guilt tripping and disappointment is killing me. What should I do?
Tayla Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Welcome to LS. Two things to move forward on this matter: 1: Your mom is human and makes mistakes, chalk this one up to her at the very least not listening to your side. I shun away from anyone who paints the world in ALWAYS and NEVERS. I am sure if you think clearly there have been other times that your Mom has stood her ground and vice versa. How did you both come to an agreement then? What can you do as a Growing adult to establish regard for your parents whilst still maintaining a reasonable level of Independent thinking and actions. As adults in general we can find a middle ground and sometimes its sticking to your guns.
turnera Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I know you feel like an adult at 20, but trust me, it's not quite that easy. And if my DD20 told me she was going out of state to visit her boyfriend, I'd be going with her if she insisted on going. Your brain doesn't stop developing til at least 23 or 24, you're still developing your sense of self, belief system, etc., and you frankly haven't experienced enough to be guaranteed to be able to handle yourself in stressful situations (car breaking down, getting robbed or raped, a million other things). CAN you take care of yourself? Of course. Do I expect your mother to feel assured that you can? No, and neither would I. Explain again why he (the male) can't visit you? If you're truly serious about him, it would behoove him to make the 'adult' move and come visit and try to make peace with your mom, since she's going to be in your life for a long time.
Emilia Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 You are definitely old enough at 20 to make your own decisions. You live away from home already I hope? It's time to cut the apron strings and become more independent from her. It is completely normal to disagree on all sorts of things, you both have to adjust to that. You are an adult now and your dynamic is changing. She will have to learn to respect yoru decisions as you make your own mistakes. Don't listen to people that tell you you can't do things because you are too young or because you are female. You learn by living, not by hiding.
Emilia Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I know you feel like an adult at 20, but trust me, it's not quite that easy. And if my DD20 told me she was going out of state to visit her boyfriend, I'd be going with her if she insisted on going. Your brain doesn't stop developing til at least 23 or 24, you're still developing your sense of self, belief system, etc., and you frankly haven't experienced enough to be guaranteed to be able to handle yourself in stressful situations (car breaking down, getting robbed or raped, a million other things). CAN you take care of yourself? Of course. Do I expect your mother to feel assured that you can? No, and neither would I. Explain again why he (the male) can't visit you? If you're truly serious about him, it would behoove him to make the 'adult' move and come visit and try to make peace with your mom, since she's going to be in your life for a long time. nonsense. a 20-year-old is an adult. people travel the world in their gap year before university. this sort of attitude creates weak adults
turnera Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 I'm talking about what her MOTHER feels. Completely different. I was on my own at 18. I know you can do it. But you can also STILL BENEFIT from a parent's guidance at that age. I was still asking my mom for advice when I was 40. And besides, she IS still living with mom and benefiting from mom's financial help. Little bit different.
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