Woggle Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Don't make getting married a desire for validation which is what this is sounding like. All this shows is that either them or their spouse is horrible at making a marriage work.
Woggle Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Another thing is that you seem to want to get married for validation and have a man approve of you instead of wanting to actually be in love and build a life. Men can smell this from a mile away and avoid it like the plague.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 When you are alone and have to complain about it, but wont even approach your possible faults, you are doing something wrong. You can "why me" all you want, but youre not clueless, you have to know what the problem is. Your ex and his friends all dumped you, your sister doesnt want to hang with you, and your good friends for years dont invite you to fly up interstate, and allegedly your whole family twists everything around on you. When no one wants to be with you, the only problem is you. Not only that, Ive never seen anything of you admitting any kind of mistakes, misteps, or possibly bad behavior with any of your cases. Youve never asked what you can do to correct mistakes, because youve never admitted fault of any kind, youre always the victim. People here can easily see through that, and know not to help you because you dont want help, you just want attention. You can ask why me all you want, but until you stop asking "why", and start admitting what youve been doing wrong, youre going to be alone for.... ever. No one can tell you what youre doing wrong, until you start admitting what youre doing wrong. I never said I was perfect, no one is. I have tried and improved myself believe it or not. I went into therapy and have been trying to work on some stuff. I've read many, many breakup books I've lost count. I bought a book to work out what I need to improve on my next relationship. Unlike my ex, I've actually tried to improve myself not jump from person to person. My family is pretty dysfunctional and I've tried talking to them. What more can I do? And guess what? That changed nothing either.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Thats not true at all, you're misinterpreting what I'm trying to say. I do want to be in love and build a life one day. I was in love when I was with my ex. Unlike one of my co workers I actually take time out between relationships. I have no trouble being single, I've been single before. I'm not like one of my co wrokers who slept with someone just so she could make a baby. I'm not desperate. You're twisting my words around.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 This is what I don't like about this site. People make the wrong conclusions and endlessly attack you.
Woggle Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 It's not an attack but that is really how some women come across. Another poster said that she envies her friends who are already divorced because at least it means a man validated them enough to want to marry them. Doesn't sound very romantic to me.
amethyste Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 These women are predators... They are not much different than the men that are looking for only sex. I've noticed that too. Funny how they love the idea of being a wife and a mother, but they don't really care about their husband and/ or kids. They just love their role.
Author Sugarkane Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 I've noticed that too. Funny how they love the idea of being a wife and a mother, but they don't really care about their husband and/ or kids. They just love their role. Thats not true at all, or else I would just have a one night stand and get pregnant. Thanks but I'm not desperate and there's otehr things I want to do with my life.
amethyste Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Sorry to break it to you... but I wasn't talking about you.
Eeyore79 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Another poster said that she envies her friends who are already divorced because at least it means a man validated them enough to want to marry them. Doesn't sound very romantic to me. I didn't mean that a man validated them by wanting to marry them. I don't need a man to validate me - but I do want to love someone and be loved back, and I want someone to want a child with me. My divorced friends had the experience of falling in love with someone who loved them back, being proposed to and planning a wedding with their beloved, having the "happiest day of your life", setting up home and having a baby. Sure, it didn't last, but at least they had that happy experience and are now having the happy experience of being mothers. Obviously I'd prefer to marry someone and not get divorced, but when it comes down to it I'd rather end up being divorced than spend my whole life alone and never have the experience of love and marriage. The other issue is that my divorced friends don't have ticking biological clocks like I do. They had their kids already, and are enjoying being moms and casually dating with no time pressure. Whereas I'm feeling the pressure to fall in love and marry asap so I can have kids before it's too late, and it's frustrating because you can't just make love happen - it might never happen.
Eeyore79 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 How happy are your friends happy now? I guess the grass always seems greener on the other side. I envy their kids and their experience of being in love and getting married, while they probably envy my freedom. Wow... You think marriage and kids with "complete" you and is the only thing that will bring you happiness... All you want is a "Insert Husband here". I want marriage and kids, but not with any man who's willing. In the last couple of years I've dated a couple of men who would have married me, but they weren't what I was looking for in a long term partner, so I dumped them. I want a man who I love and respect to be the one who shares marriage and kids with me. I don't see why this is so hard for some people to understand - just because a woman wants marriage and kids, that doesn't means she's not picky about who she has those things with, or that she throws love out the window. If your husband who you love happens to have problems getting you pregnant because of a low sperm count... Then we'd go for IVF and/or artificial insemination, and would adopt as a last resort. Cheating or dumping are not the only options if your partner can't have children
Woggle Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 What is the use of getting married if they got divorced that quick? I don't know them but it seems that they married to get a sperm donor for their kids and then when they had their babies they dumped the husbands. Can you see why this scenario would not be appealing to most men?
BlindRage Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Interesting thread so far. There are always two sides of every story. It's better to see them both and not suppress your beliefs into the other person. There is, of course, individuality in everyone, and whats right for you might be wrong for another. I see your point in wanting the married life. But, there are some that want just the "role" (as another poster mentioned). I hope you go with it in good heart when it comes down to marriage. Trust, compatibly, love, connection, etc... are all parts of marriage. It's a risk and with the high divorce rates, don't jump the gun.
Eeyore79 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 What is the use of getting married if they got divorced that quick? I don't know them but it seems that they married to get a sperm donor for their kids and then when they had their babies they dumped the husbands. Can you see why this scenario would not be appealing to most men? Yes, I can see why the scenario of marrying a woman who doesn't love you, being used as a sperm donor, then being dumped and used as a wallet, isn't appealing to men. Nobody would want to be in that situation, and only a mean woman would treat a man that way. However the ladies I'm referring to got married because they loved the guy, and the marriage subsequently broke up because the man left her or treated her badly. In the naivete of youth they married the wrong sort of men when they were far too young (one friend initiated divorce proceedings aged 24, when her child was aged 1). Perhaps I'm being naive in that I wish I had the happy experience of love/marriage/kids that they had, and I'm not considering the negative experience of divorce they also had. I'd much rather marry a nice man when I'm a little older, stay married and have kids with him. But I'm getting past that stage of being "a little older" and heading towards being "too old". That's why divorce plus kids is starting to look more attractive than no kids at all.
melenkurion Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I Obviously I'd prefer to marry someone and not get divorced, but when it comes down to it I'd rather end up being divorced than spend my whole life alone and never have the experience of love and marriage. It's funny, I'm in that situation and wish with all my heart that I had never gotten married. I'm going to wind up divorced after my spouse cheated on me and left me for my best friend. The wedding day was a really happy day. My husband was in tears throughout, claiming he loved me so much, and that we'd be together forever. Two years later and he was sneaking around doinking my best mate while I was at work. Those blissfully happy memories of the big day are now unbearably painful to me now. It feels like one huge big lie, that nothing he said he ever meant. I can't look back and revisit that happy time and feel happy for the experience in the same way that I can with other happy times in my life (graduating my PhD, for example). I really wish that I'd not gone through with the whole charade. There's also the confusion: he was so overcome with what looked like love on that day. For a while I clung onto that "Someone who loved me so much back then will come to his senses in the end". Ridiculous thoughts. He feels nothing other than perhaps mild contempt. My third wedding anniversary (I'm not divorced yet) is coming up and I am dreading it. I might be unusual, I think that have taken my breakup rather badly. The whole thing is the worst pain I have ever experienced. I'd rather have forgone those happy times in order to avoid the pain I am feeling now, nine months after the breakup.
Eeyore79 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Those blissfully happy memories of the big day are now unbearably painful to me now. It feels like one huge big lie, that nothing he said he ever meant. That's interesting, I never thought of it that way. When I look back on happy times with ex-boyfriends who dumped me, those times still seem happy in a bitter-sweet sort of way, despite the fact that I thought they loved me but they didn't. I'm glad to have had that experience of love, even if it didn't last. But maybe marriage is different - if someone is divorced then perhaps they feel like they never had real love at all, like it was all just lies. My feelings about children remain the same though - I'd prefer to be married, but being a single parent still seems better than not being a parent at all, and I'm rapidly approaching the time when it'll be too late for me to become a mother.
dicky_fish Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 It's really sad isn't it? Seeing other couples walking around hand in hand, women with baby bumps, families doing their routine. I was at a supermarket this evening and it left me feeling really numb watching all these people go by, living the life that I had planned with my girlfriend
radiodarcy Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 the having babies part doesn't really bother me as i've been screaming that i don't want kids since i was five years old. i'm 35 now so either my biological clock is either broken or it's being satisfied by taking care of my dog and two cats. i don's hate kids i just don't want the responsibility. but it is hard for me when i see couples going about their business on the weekends; holding hands, running errands, enjoying their time together. it makes me wish miss me feel super lonely and think about the ex - - knowing that he is probably doing that with someone too. someone who isn't me
louise_23 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I feel so discouraged at the moment. Meanwhile I've tried seeing other people and nothing has come out of it. I posted about both guys on here and it just brought more heartache. Luck just hasn't been on my side at all lately. I can't even meet someone through others e.g my cousin is engaged and because he's in a serious relationship, all his friends are couples and hooked up. Not one of tehm is single. teeelll me about it. it sucks. but things run in cycles. 5,10 yrs time, itll all be different, people break up and divorce all the time. just watch this space. be careful and dont let a relationship define your lifes happiness, as if you need one to be fulfilled. work on your happiness as an individual first, and maintain it next time youre in a relationship. have your own hobbies, friends, goals. that way, if you split up, you dont lose your whole world like i just have, you just lose a piece of it.
wysiwyg6000 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I'm largely in the same boat as you. I'm 28 and everyone around me is in a serious relationship, getting engaged, married or having children. Here I am single for almost two years because I haven't found anyone that I really liked. I do have some advanced knowledge that most people my age don't - most of these relationships are going to fail within the next 10 years. Now is the time everyone is coming together, but in about 10-15 years they'll be coming apart. The remaining people will either be miserable, or a small segment will be truly happy and content in their lives. I don't mean to be a Negative Nancy, but this is my observation of people's relationships. The good news is that statistics show that the longer you wait to get married, the more likely it'll last.
Steven T Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 most of these relationships are going to fail within the next 10 years. Now is the time everyone is coming together, but in about 10-15 years they'll be coming apart. The remaining people will either be miserable, or a small segment will be truly happy and content in their lives. Thanks. I found this rather comforting. Steve
wysiwyg6000 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Thanks. I found this rather comforting. Steve I didn't mean for that to sound as depressing as that came out. I just saw from my personal experience with people that I've known that seems to be the outcome. It's mainly an observation that I found of people who get married young (pre 27) these days. I think most people just get bored with their relationships and lose the value of them. Human nature I suppose, you don't want what you have and you want what you don't have.
PelicanPete Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 It's really sad isn't it? Seeing other couples walking around hand in hand, women with baby bumps, families doing their routine. I was at a supermarket this evening and it left me feeling really numb watching all these people go by, living the life that I had planned with my girlfriend Not to single you out exclusively dicky_fish, but I don't really understand that way of thinking. During the points of long distance during my last relationship, my ex gf would go on and on about this and how seeing other couples made her depressed. Sure I missed her and wished she was with me, but seeing other couples didn't trigger anything close to what she was feeling. She was always so envious of them and would always talk about how unfair it is that they are together and we aren't, that we put in a lot more effort therefore it should be us together not them, blablabla. For me I just saw it as two people in a relationship Being single, I still hold the same point of view when I see couples. Sometimes I think about getting into another relationship, but it isn't something I am looking for to complete myself. It is a lot of work catering to another persons physical, mental, and emotional needs, and right now I have my hands full dealing with my own .
Author Sugarkane Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Thankyou for your replys they have made me feel much better.
dicky_fish Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Not to single you out exclusively dicky_fish, but I don't really understand that way of thinking. Because me and my girlfriend were at that point in our relationship just 2 months ago only for her to pull the rug from under my feet. Since I had my epiphany moment with my girl where I wanted to propose to her the kind of life mentioned in this thread has been all I've wanted with her, and now seeing people having that life makes me very sad.
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