ltgo Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year, 7 months into the relationship i found out that he had kissed another girl at a birthday party, he did not deny it, but didn't tell me, I found out from her.. Although our relationship has continued from 7 months till now, as i did not dump him.. The problem i am facing is the fact that although i adore him, i cannot get this kissing business out of my head it drives me insane, I always mention it too him, although he has said sorry a million of times and makes every effort to make sure i dont doubt him, he hardly lies to me.. BUT this thing which he has done i cannot get it out of my head.. I am confused.. I Dont want to leave him his my everything but, it is just painful to swallow such a thing.. Any suggestions?? What do I do.. Do I just forget about it totally and make him feel as if I have, as he gets really upset as I tend to bring it up in every arguement.. Please help
Exit Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 If it's not something you can get over then you just have to let him go. You can only apologize for something so many times, and it's frustrating and insulting when someone tells you they are willing to work past it and move forward, yet every time there's an argument or a disagreement, they bring it up again. I'm not at all defending him and his behavior, but I'm just focusing on your half of the situation. You either love someone enough to believe them and forgive them or you don't. If it still bothers you so much, obviously you aren't 100% secure with this person, you worry that it could happen again, or worse. If that's how you feel, you may need to leave, you can't be with someone if you can't trust them.
Author ltgo Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 You see I do trust him I want to trust himmm.. This thing he has done occurred over a year ago.. I just cannot bear to think about it.. I try to forget about it and I do whenever his with me, but as soon as we argue or I get upset over ANYTHING it just springs up to my mind, its like an excuse I have to make him uncomfortable
iceweasel6 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 You see I do trust him I want to trust himmm.. This thing he has done occurred over a year ago.. I just cannot bear to think about it.. I try to forget about it and I do whenever his with me, but as soon as we argue or I get upset over ANYTHING it just springs up to my mind, its like an excuse I have to make him uncomfortable After reading the post quoted above it immediately brought back memories of when I was a medical student on my psychiatric rotation. Saying you trust him, inability to bear thoughts of the past, as you argue memories resurge. It seems almost pathological. I don't know how old you are, and its not necessary as a predictor of behavior, but rather an indicator of skill acquisition, specifically the skill to learn how to forgive. Although you say you want to forgive him, it's obvious you haven't, and judging by the fact that it's been almost a year since this has happened, you probably won't. Or (and this is a big or) you don't know how to forgive. Seriously. Learning how to forgive is a skill like learning how to cook. If you don't spend time with a parent in a kitchen, take a cooking class or learn by experimenting on your own, you will never learn. Lessons in life are pretty much the same. You learn to forgive by watching members of your family, friends and colleagues approach and handle forgiveness. Unfortunately, you just may not have picked up that skill. The choice is yours. You can either learn how to forgive (buy a book at your local barnes and noble, or jump online at amazon), or you can continue to repeat your patterns (fights -intentional or not - leading to vocalization of his past transgression). Believe me, it won't go away. 25, even 50 years can pass and you will still do the same thing. You will always bring up the past. Its amazing how the mind works. The more you access a memory pathway, the easier it is to access, the more it resides in your conscious. It's how we learn. It's how we recall things. It just happens that its to your detriment because it's something that is negative vs positive. Oh, and one more thing. Don't think that you can "just get over it". You can't. No one in this world can "just get over it". They think that's what they do, but it resides deep within their subconscious and affects their core behaviors and patterns at a fundamental level. Forgiveness is a process which can be likened unto that of grief. Their are stages of progression that you must pass through to reach that point where you move forward in a healthy appropriate way that positively impacts YOU, and ultimately the relationship. Make no mistake, forgiveness is not about him, it's about you. Long after he is gone, the transgression still exists. The hurt inside you still exists. The pain still exists. And the feelings of betrayal are still there. All the best.
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