just_scott Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 just wondering here about somethin .My girl after a happy 4 yrs together just up and walks out of my place, leaving a box of the jewelery i've givin her over the years on my counter for me to find later.no reason,no explination,no goodbye ,not even a hand shake NOTHING... DAYS later i stopped by her place just to ask why ? i got the it's not you it's me , i did nothing wrong,i don't love you anymore, i'm not in love with you anymore ... I simply asked why, what has happend ? i got their doesn't alwys need to be a reason [ i disagree on this ] .. K do the Dumpers ever think wow i may have handled that the wrong way , OR maybe i should have talked to him , i wouldn't want to be dumped like that etc .. WE'RE in N.C. now for about a month . WHEN she's lieing in bed at night and it's all quiet i know i have to pop into her mind , or subconcious.strong feelings of love and good things don't just disapear .doing things the way she did i kow her friends are validating her actions .BUT what about what's inside of her her subconcious wouldn't it just be eatting at her ....EVEN certain songs or a show or an object that would remind me to her wouldn't it just kill her knowing what we had and the way it's ended / i know it sure does for me DO they ever come around and let you know why they've acted that way ?OR admit they made a mistake ,OR even ask if we could reconsile ?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 DO they ever come around and let you know why they've acted that way ?OR admit they made a mistake ,OR even ask if we could reconsile ? it happens just very rare... I think both you and me have better chances at winning the lottery though.
0hpenelope Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) just wondering here about somethin .My girl after a happy 4 yrs together just up and walks out of my place, leaving a box of the jewelery i've givin her over the years on my counter for me to find later.no reason,no explination,no goodbye ,not even a hand shake NOTHING... DAYS later i stopped by her place just to ask why ? i got the it's not you it's me , i did nothing wrong,i don't love you anymore, i'm not in love with you anymore ... I simply asked why, what has happend ? i got their doesn't alwys need to be a reason [ i disagree on this ] .. K do the Dumpers ever think wow i may have handled that the wrong way , OR maybe i should have talked to him , i wouldn't want to be dumped like that etc .. WE'RE in N.C. now for about a month . WHEN she's lieing in bed at night and it's all quiet i know i have to pop into her mind , or subconcious.strong feelings of love and good things don't just disapear .doing things the way she did i kow her friends are validating her actions .BUT what about what's inside of her her subconcious wouldn't it just be eatting at her ....EVEN certain songs or a show or an object that would remind me to her wouldn't it just kill her knowing what we had and the way it's ended / i know it sure does for me DO they ever come around and let you know why they've acted that way ?OR admit they made a mistake ,OR even ask if we could reconsile ? I think, on this board, everyone has a projection on others' situations. I'd like to offer my perspective. I've been the one to initiate the break up and the one who was left behind. When I break up with an ex, I've thought it through and I give them their space. I wonder about that ex, but I choose not to act on those thoughts and leave him alone. When I'm left behind, I'm angry, bitter, resentful, and hurt, but eventually I let it all go. The negative feelings are not good to hold on to. For some friends who have done the breaking up, they talked about the problems with their exes. They've cried, put in the best efforts to change, offered chances to their ex to do something, all to no avail. I was one of their support. I was the one that got the phone calls in the middle of the night and talked them through the breakdowns. I thought they should've broken up sooner, but the eventual dumpers wanted to keep trying. So try they did: communication, dates, conversations, time spent together, etc. By the time the break up happens, I was relieved for them - and they still hurt. Eventually, their 'dumpees' are the ones who are wanting to keep in touch or get back together due to feeling guilty or thinking that they can at least be friends. Well, too bad, my friends are tired of being treated like crap; they couldn't be bothered to make changes then, my friends finally had enough, and they let go. Do they take it well, even though they were the ones who initiated the break up? Not all the time. To this day, one of them is still working through resentments and bitterness - and the break up's been a good 1.5 years since then. I encourage you to read this, too, just to expose yourself to other possibilities: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t283396/. Just even putting in a simple search of "ex contact me" on Google brings up a ton of results for those viewpoints. Others' results shouldn't become your expectation - that your ex will contact you - but be aware that it can happen. Yes, some dumpers think it through. In your situation, it looks like yours didn't - but there's your point of view, and then there's hers. I believe also that there's always a reason and unfortunately, some of them don't want to share. It sounds like yours is one of those who doesn't want to share. Closure should come from yourself and not from another source anyway. When they don't want to fix anything, can't make 'em. I hope you feel better soon. Edited June 24, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Author just_scott Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 i hear what you're saying..honestly i think my ex probably thought it through , i think it was pre-planned [ possably even with another guy in waiting ].I mean o.k. she stopped by here hundreads or more times and she never had the jewelery in her purse in a box . SHE usually wore whichever piece .it just really sucks the way it went down totally crushed me cause it was so out of the blue AND so out of character for her ,i've certainly never seen this side of her towards anybody ,and i've known her for 2 yrs as a friend before our 4 yr relationship . WE'VE talked before about things like how we both can't stand being cheated on , or lied to etc. AND how if we ever had an issue we would sit like adults and go over it so we could put it to rest [which we have in the past with small issues ]. i don't like to speculate on things other people do i offerd her numerous chances to meet up with me and just talk , even with a pastor [that we know ] a counclor,or a mutual friend all those got shot down cause she said it wouldn't change anything anyways .. I tthink breaking up like this [one person being sneaky] is worse than if their was a fight or a talk etc .because this way just leaves way too many un answerd questions , AND yea you start questioning the whole relationship and wonder if the other ever meant what they've said in the past etc .AND you replay all you can to see if their were any types of signs ,seriously you drive yourself batty
shortee143 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I dpnt know why my ex dumped me, and to be frank, that's what bugs me the most! All I got was the "i dont want a relationship right now". I drive myself crazy sometimes wondering what happened. I think it normal to wonder, no? I mean, perhaps I wouldn't want to hear his reasons if its a laundry list of put downs...I'm just sad he never bothered talking about what was wrong, and just quit, seems unfair, I didnt even have a chance! Sorry to hear what your ex did to you- it is just plain disrespectful. I always say, breakups happen...and its ok, but why must one just lose all respect for the "dumpee", a little empathy goes a long way!!
Sugarkane Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Hi Just Scott my breakup was similar to yours too. I never got any answers either and had no idea that my ex was even unhappy. He never said that was, not even once. Too make it even worse my ex was hostile and rude. He blamed everything on me and refused to even talk to me. Its completely different when they just up and leave and don't even communicate with you. Its been a long time since my breakuo and I'm still baffled by the bizarre behaviour. Next time I want a relationship with someone who can at least communicate with me. Is that too much to ask for?
nikkinicole36 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 The problem is that we think it's about us that they left. It more than likely had nothing to do with what we did or did not do. At lot of times these things are all about our ex and how they were feeling. I think they might have just wanted out for reasons that they had going on in their own minds and didn't need an excuse.
Author just_scott Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 i know what you're saying about maybe getting a ''laundry list of put downs on you '' noone would want that ,AND yea wold have been nice if the dumpees would give the dumper a chance just feels so one sided like nothing you've done in your relationship even matterd YOU definatly need a partner you can OPENLY COMMUNICATE with abhout anything,it's not too much to ask for without communication what do you really have ? just an attraction and attractions wear off i don't know if they don't give us reasons because they don't really have any , or they scared to tell us , maybe their afraid of confflict.or you may say bad /hostile things back to them and shatter their egos it's just soo not cool would they like it done to them probably not right ,maybe their just gutless AND some of us sit around and wait for our phones to ring OR a knock at the door and it being them to apologize ask for forgivness and to reconcile
Sugarkane Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 If its anyone that should be apologising its the ex. Mine was hostile and blamed the breakup on me. Whta sort of person ends a relationship with "I should've dumped you a long time ago"?
Sugarkane Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 To answer your question OP these dumpers onlt ever think about themselves and not onve about anyone else.
Sugarkane Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 To answer your question these people only ever think about themselves and never about anyone else. I don't think anyone else even comes into the equation to them.
skydiveaddict Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 To answer your question OP these dumpers onlt ever think about themselves and not onve about anyone else. Couple of words there I couldn't understand, but i think i get your meaning. I agree
mtd4249 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 My ex did the same thing about 5 months ago after living together for 16 years -- no explanation, apparently no second thoughts. They leave because they believe it's best for them. I, too, did nothing wrong to drive her away and I also got the "love you but not in love with you". just_scott, she has a mind and heart & she will think about you .... only when she realizes that the grass isn't greener will she most likely come wandering around your way - but by then you will hopefully be moved on. You didn't say how old you and her are --- sometimes age and life stages can offer an explanation for the sudden change in someone (for instance, my ex suffered a major midlife crisis meltdown at 36 and is trying to 'find herself', while at the same time losing her life)! Take care
Author just_scott Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 OK my ex will be 50 in july and i am 47 ,i've heard of the ''mid life crisis'' BUT i don't know IF things are goiing good or just have the usual relationship bumps in the road [ small issues , nothing major ]AND they even tell you that wouldn't they just see and feel that the relationship is good and right for them ,like wouldn't they think wow here i a going to be 50 soon do i really want to just walk away from 4 good yrs and attempt to start something over ,when i already know this person and see how good things are and can just settle with him here and now and enjoy the rest of our time together ,lookig or finding someone else is a gamble right ?
mtd4249 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Yep, you're right ... it's a huge gamble and like any gamble there's no guarantee. There's a chance she will meet another guy that gave her everything you did and more (and no negatives), but we all know no one and no relationship is perfect. If you gave her all the solid foundations of a relationship - no cheating, no abuse etc - then there's a good chance she will luck out. Only then is she likely to question whether life with you was as bad as she thought it was and start to question whether she has made a mistake. She might think running from the relationship with you is the answer to her happiness but she forgets that when she leaves the relationship she takes herself with her .... if she feels unhappy in her next relationship, what will she do? End it? You can only start from scratch so many times before you make no progress ..... she will come to realize it's her loss and by then you will probably be in a new realm of happiness.
aiina Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 The problem is that we think it's about us that they left. It more than likely had nothing to do with what we did or did not do. At lot of times these things are all about our ex and how they were feeling. I think they might have just wanted out for reasons that they had going on in their own minds and didn't need an excuse. I agree my last ex contacted me recently, I have no interest on knowing what he wants or what he's doing, so I never replied.
MissMoni Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I think in some cases, it is human nature to think of what was left behind. I would guess initially they are relieved. I know my ex has thought of me after the breakup because he has contacted me a couple of times, but I also know he doesn't want to BE with me. Even when I pointed out to him I was the only once reaching out, he said that he didn't have anything left to say to me. He thought it was better if he gave me "space". Well. I think that, like a previous ex said. They may think of us. But they'd rather leave the past, in the past.
Sugarkane Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 From my experience don't be surprised if you were cheated on Just Scott. Especially when they end things in this manner. They're obviously hiding something if they can't be decent enough to end things properly.
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