Online Dating and Age Ranges

[ThsAmericanLife]

I've been off and on the online dating thing for awhile, and there is just something I can't get past. It is really bugging me.

 

A little background. I've been married before (8 years). Two years after my divorce, I met another man. We were engaged to get married after being together for five years. He died very suddenly a month after we were engaged of a genetic heart condition. He was fairly young. About 54. I was 40 at the time.

 

Before that incident, I think I would have agreed that age made no difference. I've dated men up to 11 years younger and 14 or so years older.

 

I think partly because of my experience, I actually find it repulsive when a man more than 10 years or so older than me even LOOKS at my profile. What bothers me even more, is when I look at the profile of men who I consider close to my own age... most of them won't even consider women more than 2-3 yrs older than them. I HATE double standards.

 

I'm not going to go on and on about how attractive I am.... lets just say that when I post pictures on line, I get good looking men in their 20's emailing me looking for casual sex.

 

Where am I going with this? I've stopped posting pictures altogether and do my own searches. I even put down something to the effect that I don't respond to unsolicited emails, as snotty as that sounds. While I don't say this in my profile, I will say here that I don't want to be some old guy's arm candy and I'm not up for training-up some young stud who probably can't find my clitoris, doesn't have any life-experience, and won't be around for the long-haul anyway.

 

The funny and FRUSTRATING thing is... these same men who post these age ranges (ie, won't go a few years older than them) usually end up emailing me too. I'm thinking... hmmm. so you think I'm pretty hot now... but why should I waste my time with YOU? I've got better things to do than be a placeholder till your next young thing flies by. It isn't even insecurity on my part. I'm just not going to waste my time with men who have those preferences.

 

Anyway... you can see how I've gotten myself all wrapped around the axle on this. I'm tempted to just quit on line dating altogether. The problem is that I live in kind of a small town. It is really tough to meet people. I'm even thinking about moving so I can find more dating options.

[truthbeknown]

perspective is always an interesting thing. i am a man who is doing online dating and i changed my age range several times. At first i had 5 years older than me and i would get women who were 8-10 years older than me emailing me. I wanted to stay closer to my age group so i noticed alot of women were putting 5 yrs younger to 5 years older and that is what i was emulating. Maybe i'm turning off good women like you but i don't know. Some of the younger women don't have families already and may be open to dating someone with children if the man would considering eventually having a child with her. so that's a perspective from my online dating experience.

[grkBoy]

I honestly wish people had the option to answer certain things.

 

If it were up to me, I'd only make the things that might come up as massive red flags be the things you answer. Location, marital status, age, if you have kids, if you're employed, and everyone must post clear photos of their head and body.

 

The rest should be optional. Let people shop around and email as they see fit. Let one put a long list and demand that any guy who talks to her makes a good income and hits the gym regularly while another keeps things open and simply just rejects emails of people she's not into.

 

More and more I see these sites asking for more information...but it's ridiculous because people are being forced to pick black or white on matters that are more gray...and thus people don't connect.

 

Maybe a guy will date an older woman...but he's looking for the older woman who looks younger or something. It's silly to make a list of your ideal mate when it's easier to just look at profiles and choose.

[Enchanted Girl]

Why are you prejudging all these people based on their age? Did you even get to know any of them before you came to these conclusions?

[PhillyDude]

I can relate because I get ILL when a woman 45 or older looks at my profile. I'm 35 and prefer 25-34 years old.

[sm1tten]

I'm 28. My "range" is 25-35, and frankly I'm being generous. I regularly get messaged by guys who are 22-25... then 35 and up. I've dated older and younger, so my experience has been that sometimes we are on different maturity or life levels. If a really attractive guy with a great profile messaged me I would at least consider him but I generally don't find baby faces or masses of wrinkles terribly attractive.

[thatone]

Why are you prejudging all these people based on their age? Did you even get to know any of them before you came to these conclusions?

 

^ obvious question is obvious.

 

I've dated men up to 11 years younger and 14 or so years older.

 

I actually find it repulsive when a man more than 10 years or so older than me even LOOKS at my profile.

 

What bothers me even more, is when I look at the profile of men who I consider close to my own age... most of them won't even consider women more than 2-3 yrs older than them. I HATE double standards.

 

I get good looking men in their 20's emailing me looking for casual sex.

 

so it's every man's fault who happens to be older than you that you had the very unfortunate experience with your ex.

 

and there's no negative connotation to younger men messaging you, but men looking for younger women you hate.

 

you typed 8 short paragraphs, 4 of them were self contradictory.

 

/women

[Enchanted Girl]

^ obvious question is obvious.

 

so it's every man's fault who happens to be older than you that you had the very unfortunate experience with your ex.

 

and there's no negative connotation to younger men messaging you, but men looking for younger women you hate.

 

you typed 8 short paragraphs, 4 of them were self contradictory.

 

/women

 

The question is obvious to you and me, but not the person who made this thread, which is why I asked it. =/ I want her to think about this and whether it really should be a deal breaker or whether other more important things should be.

 

And you talk about not judging a bunch of people based on one person and then do the same. Yes, this woman judges everyone else based on her ex and YOU just ended your post judging all women based on her. I think you're being self contradictory as well.

[thatone]

i didn't mean the comment on your post to be derogatory, i was agreeing with you.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Sorry I've been absent. This thread got pushed down the line a bit.

 

Regarding the contradictory statements...

 

I'd say that once upon a time... Someone's age meant less to me. The men I've dated who were 10 yrs or so younger... when we broke up (mutual), he married someone his own age. Actually, slightly younger than him.

 

When I was with my fiancee (14 years older), well...he died.

 

So, that was then, this is now.

 

NOW, I'm trying to meet men again, and am finding it difficult to attract men my own age... and even when I do... if they have much younger women in their age range, I reject them. This is what is bothering me the most. In most other areas of my life, I'm very confident. This one.. not so much. I assume that if I do get involved with this kind of guy, I'm just a placeholder.

 

If he is much younger, and emailing me, I assume he just wants to get his "learn on" until someone his own age (or younger, likely) comes along.

 

To put it more clearly.. I believe that the men who need to go older or much younger (especially, much younger) aren't into women for their personalities. Which sounds sexist, I know. But that is how I feel.

 

Is it the older men's faults that my fiancee died? No. I still wish there was a way I could make my profile "invisible" to anyone outside of my posted age range.

 

Someone needs to add that feature to these dating sites. I'd definately pay extra for that. For now, I refuse to post pictures. That's the best I can do, I guess.

[thatone]

you're wrong, first of all. not about all men, but about some. there is no generalization about men that always fits just like there is no generalization about women that always fits.

 

lots of men get bored of younger women due to the intellectual gap. i have done just that. having money/status that younger men don't have i can get women in their early to mid 20s if i want them and have done so a few times, but i tire of them easily. all else being equal, women my age (mid 30s) i find more relationship potential with due to bad experiences with the young ones.

 

do i therefore limit myself to only 30+ year olds? no, absolutely not. there are abnormally mature 20 something year olds out there, i might happen across one.

 

you'll probably find a lot of men who are in the same situation, but to find them you have to look, and to look you can't cast them aside based on them typing 4 characters on a website.

 

you're pre-judging people you haven't met and you're projecting your ex's death on to similar men. the combination of those two will leave your barrel empty of fish for a long time, so either stop trying to justify those flaws or be alone, those are your choices.

Edited June 28, 2011 by thatone

[ThsAmericanLife]

 

....

 

do i therefore limit myself to only 30+ year olds? no, absolutely not. there are abnormally mature 20 something year olds out there, i might happen across one.

 

.....

you're pre-judging people you haven't met and you're projecting your ex's death on to similar men. the combination of those two will leave your barrel empty of fish for a long time, so either stop trying to justify those flaws or be alone, those are your choices.

 

Ok, so in the first paragraph, you are saying you'll "settle" for someone in their 30's... but if some abnormally mature 20 something comes along, you'll dump the woman in her 30's ???

 

and in the second paragraph, yes, I agree. Actually, I admit to having some long lingering anger about my fiancee. There were things he knew about his health he either didn't check or didn't tell me. I feel like he "stole" some of my prime years for finding a partner. Not just my life in general. I think most people have some of this anger after losing a spouse though.

 

It never occurred to me then, but I'm experiencing it now... what the hell would am I supposed to do if I were in my 60's or so when he died? Shrivel up and die alone because bastards my own age want ME (a 46 year old).

 

yes, I recognize there are no guarantees in life. What younger women don't understand is there WILL come a time when the man eventually ages... They need to ask themselves how they want to spend some of the best years of their lives. Pushing a wheelchair... visiting a nursing home... feeding him viagra? It's f**d up.

 

There are worse things than being alone... and that is being committed to someone who is always looking over their shoulder and pining over something they can't have (or are trying to have behind your back) or losing your quality of life because some selfish A-hole thinks nothing about stealing your youth. and yes, that is how I feel about men who date down. I think they are incredibly selfish.

 

The only bright side to this is that my fiancee died when he did. When I'm theoretically good looking enough and healthy enough to find someone else. It was a HUGE wake up call. And one I do not neglect to share with my younger girlfriends who may be considering a relationship with an older man.

[phillyfan]

Ok, so in the first paragraph, you are saying you'll "settle" for someone in their 30's... but if some abnormally mature 20 something comes along, you'll dump the woman in her 30's ???

 

and in the second paragraph, yes, I agree. Actually, I admit to having some long lingering anger about my fiancee. There were things he knew about his health he either didn't check or didn't tell me. I feel like he "stole" some of my prime years for finding a partner. Not just my life in general. I think most people have some of this anger after losing a spouse though.

 

It never occurred to me then, but I'm experiencing it now... what the hell would am I supposed to do if I were in my 60's or so when he died? Shrivel up and die alone because bastards my own age want ME (a 46 year old).

 

yes, I recognize there are no guarantees in life. What younger women don't understand is there WILL come a time when the man eventually ages... They need to ask themselves how they want to spend some of the best years of their lives. Pushing a wheelchair... visiting a nursing home... feeding him viagra? It's f**d up.

 

There are worse things than being alone... and that is being committed to someone who is always looking over their shoulder and pining over something they can't have (or are trying to have behind your back) or losing your quality of life because some selfish A-hole thinks nothing about stealing your youth. and yes, that is how I feel about men who date down. I think they are incredibly selfish.

 

The only bright side to this is that my fiancee died when he did. When I'm theoretically good looking enough and healthy enough to find someone else. It was a HUGE wake up call. And one I do not neglect to share with my younger girlfriends who may be considering a relationship with an older man.

 

Dude i am sorry u lost ur fiance, i think u r still grievin. U said 'selfish A-hole' and 'bastards' , n 'f**ked up' in ur last post. That aint a normal way of talkin about dating, i think u need more time to grieve cos u r still so angry and hurt. I think u aint gona make it work datin rite now cos the moment ur dates see this typa attitude in ur emails or in person, theyre gona run. That aint fair on u, i bet u r a good catch wen u r really feelin urself, but i think the death of ur fiance threw u a big curveball and thats gona take more time 4 u 2 recover.

[thatone]

absent the text speak i agree.

[Enchanted Girl]

Ok, so in the first paragraph, you are saying you'll "settle" for someone in their 30's... but if some abnormally mature 20 something comes along, you'll dump the woman in her 30's ???

 

and in the second paragraph, yes, I agree. Actually, I admit to having some long lingering anger about my fiancee. There were things he knew about his health he either didn't check or didn't tell me. I feel like he "stole" some of my prime years for finding a partner. Not just my life in general. I think most people have some of this anger after losing a spouse though.

 

It never occurred to me then, but I'm experiencing it now... what the hell would am I supposed to do if I were in my 60's or so when he died? Shrivel up and die alone because bastards my own age want ME (a 46 year old).

 

yes, I recognize there are no guarantees in life. What younger women don't understand is there WILL come a time when the man eventually ages... They need to ask themselves how they want to spend some of the best years of their lives. Pushing a wheelchair... visiting a nursing home... feeding him viagra? It's f**d up.

 

There are worse things than being alone... and that is being committed to someone who is always looking over their shoulder and pining over something they can't have (or are trying to have behind your back) or losing your quality of life because some selfish A-hole thinks nothing about stealing your youth. and yes, that is how I feel about men who date down. I think they are incredibly selfish.

 

The only bright side to this is that my fiancee died when he did. When I'm theoretically good looking enough and healthy enough to find someone else. It was a HUGE wake up call. And one I do not neglect to share with my younger girlfriends who may be considering a relationship with an older man.

 

There is no denying that those things are hard to see, but YOU sound very selfish in my opinion.

 

Who is the real one suffering in this situation? The one in the wheelchair, the one forced to go into a nursing home. They are the ones slowly dying. They are the ones feeling pain and losing their loved ones. They are the ones whose lives are disappearing.

 

And the fact that you can watch that happen and obsess over your lost youth is very disturbing to me. My boyfriend and I have been together only 7 months. One month of that I had complications with a kidney stone. He literally helped me clean up my own vomit when I vomitted in front of him. He held my hand while I was peeing and was next to me while I screamed from the pain. He went in and out of the hospital with me WHILE working a full time job and going to school. He did not once complain about it. In fact, he was tortured over the fact that he had to leave to go to school and work and couldn't be around all the time to help ease my suffering.

 

Yes, watching someone slowly die is very hard, but its hard in the sense that you love them and can't stand to see them suffering. If you're more concerned about your own youth than them, then you don't really love them.

 

Men always die before women. I expect this for my relationship (and for me to be alone) and I've seen my grandmothers and older friends go through this. One of them, in fact, was married to a man who eventually died of massive strokes, one of which made him permanently have to be in a diaper that SHE changed. I know its hard, but you do it because you love them.

 

I know I'll hate being alone, but I won't resent them for dying. It's messed up when they are the ones who suffered the most. It makes me want to throw-up a little that your only bright side is that your fiance DIED. That would never be a bright side to me regardless of the time frame.

 

Now, its fine not to want to be in a relationship with someone who is in a different place in life than you are. You have to be with someone whose personality is compatible with yours. But in my opinion, you need to start looking at people as individuals. You might have a lot of fun with some of them if you get to know them.

[Saxis]

do i therefore limit myself to only 30+ year olds? no, absolutely not. there are abnormally mature 20 something year olds out there, i might happen across one.

 

This is the way I feel about it also. I'm 29, male. I have my age range set from 19 to 34. I will very rarely see a 19-21 year old's profile that looks mature enough, but it can happen. I've messaged a few and got a couple replies. Most of them are looking for 18-25 though, and I steer clear of those. Most people think I look much younger though, so that helps. I'd say about 90% of my replies are women within 2 years of my age though.