debradoll1 Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Last July my 51 y/o H hooked up with his old high school GF. He carried on a long distance affair with her until this March when he left me and moved into an apt. (I recently found out that she has moved in with him). He hasn't filed for D and we still share a joint checking account. The guilt from this affair has caused him to suffer from depression and now a bleeding ulcer. He has told me that the OW is not a better person than I am, and he's also said that he has seriously screwed up and that if he could take last year back he would, but I don't seem him making steps to reconcile with me. I love him and want him to come home; is there anyone out there who has had a similar experience? Any words of advise?
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Last July my 51 y/o H hooked up with his old high school GF. He carried on a long distance affair with her until this March when he left me and moved into an apt. (I recently found out that she has moved in with him). He hasn't filed for D and we still share a joint checking account. The guilt from this affair has caused him to suffer from depression and now a bleeding ulcer. He has told me that the OW is not a better person than I am, and he's also said that he has seriously screwed up and that if he could take last year back he would, but I don't seem him making steps to reconcile with me. I love him and want him to come home; is there anyone out there who has had a similar experience? Any words of advise? You need to take some sort of action and not wait. Tell him (even if you don't) that you're going to start the divorcing process, that you are talking to a lawyer. He tells you one thing, yet there's no follow through. If he feels so guilty, and has a bleeding ulcer, why isn't he doing something/anything to change the situation? To me, it seems like he wants to 'try out life' with this OW and if it doesn't work he'll come running back home to you. F..That! Marriage is supposed to be about love and committment, honouring wedding vows..So far your selfish husband hasn't lived up to them! The less focus you put on him and his OW and more onto yourself, the better off you will be, reguardless of the outcome. I hope this makes sense.
silktricks Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 You need to take care of yourself, as WWIU said. You aren't doing yourself (or him for that matter) any favors by simply letting things roll along. Obviously you love your husband, but at this point you need to love yourself more. start out with getting your own checking account. Go to a lawyer and find out exactly where you are legally and what steps you need to take to protect yourself legally. If you don't want to divorce, then at least file a legal separation so you are not responsible for him (or the OW). As for getting your husband back.... if he sees that you are moving on with your life and taking care of yourself, it could scare the bejesus out of him and he'll come running. Of course, by that time you may decide you don't want him anymore. In other words, don't do x, y or z to get him back. Do them to take care of you. Then you'll see what you'll see.
bentnotbroken Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 You can't get him back. He has to decide to do this on his own. The only actions you can control are your own. May ask you some questions? What have you done to move yourself forward during the year he has been gone? What have you done to heal yourself or have you been waiting for him to come to his senses in order to heal? Do you see your life without him? Where do you see yourself in 2 years? 5 years? These are somethings you need to decide for yourself, independent of marriage to him.
Tenacity Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 As for getting your husband back.... if he sees that you are moving on with your life and taking care of yourself, it could scare the bejesus out of him and he'll come running. Of course, by that time you may decide you don't want him anymore. In other words, don't do x, y or z to get him back. Do them to take care of you. Then you'll see what you'll see. This is excellent advice.
YellowShark Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Why do you want him back debradoll1? So he can throw you under a bus again? He ISN'T making steps to reconcile with you. His "soul mate" from his old high school HASN'T moved out. It's been a year already. Let it go, move on already, close the joint account. He only wants back because his "soul mate" from his old high school isn't working out. Too bad for him. Not your problem.
Author debradoll1 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Why do I want him back? That's a really good question. I made a vow to love him forever, and while I have every reason to divorce him, I'm not there. I pray and I pray, and I have even been to a "Get Your Life Back Retreat" but I am still very much in love with him. I don't think for one minute that she is his soul-mate...she has some kind of hold on him, but she's not his soul-mate.if she was, he would start divorce proceedings and separate our finances; but he hasn't. I think he's very conflicted and in a lot of pain. I believe that marriages can survive infidelity, and I'm willing to do the hard work of restoring our marriage if he would pull his head out of his butt and start working on it too.
2sunny Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Why do I want him back? That's a really good question. I made a vow to love him forever, and while I have every reason to divorce him, I'm not there. I pray and I pray, and I have even been to a "Get Your Life Back Retreat" but I am still very much in love with him. I don't think for one minute that she is his soul-mate...she has some kind of hold on him, but she's not his soul-mate.if she was, he would start divorce proceedings and separate our finances; but he hasn't. I think he's very conflicted and in a lot of pain. I believe that marriages can survive infidelity, and I'm willing to do the hard work of restoring our marriage if he would pull his head out of his butt and start working on it too. until HE is willing to DO anything and everything to REPAIR the damage he has CAUSED - you can't do a thing... except get a solid boundary that no longer allows him to treat you like crap. when he changes everything - that is the time to talk and CONSIDER reconciling. first and foremost - NO MORE communication at all with his OW! until then - take care of YOU. get busy living and being happy!
YellowShark Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Why do I want him back? That's a really good question. I made a vow to love him forever, and while I have every reason to divorce him, I'm not there. Your vow became NULL and VOID debradoll1 the day he threw you under a bus to be with the "other woman." You now owe him NOTHING now. I pray and I pray, and I have even been to a "Get Your Life Back Retreat" but I am still very much in love with him. Not to be rude but you could "pray" for the next 20 years and it would solve nothing. He threw you under a bus and left you for another woman. I don't think for one minute that she is his soul-mate...she has some kind of hold on him, but she's not his soul-mate. if she was, he would start divorce proceedings and separate our finances; but he hasn't. *She* is not some sort of witch with magical powers. *She* didn't leave you. He did. I think he's very conflicted and in a lot of pain. I believe that marriages can survive infidelity, and I'm willing to do the hard work of restoring our marriage if he would pull his head out of his butt and start working on it too. You are living a dream debradoll1. If he wanted you he would be with you and that's that. His lack of action says everything. Move on with your life, stop living in limbo waiting for this guy. It's been a year already. How many years are you going to sit at home in limbo? I am not trying to be harsh, I am waving a flag saying move on already, stop wasting your life waiting around for this man who has made ZERO effort to reconcile with you. Good luck.
Kidd Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I don't see much hope for reconciliation here either but since you asked a specific question...look up how to do a "180". There's about 50 things you do to make yourself more attractive and mysterious (and less desperate). It heals you and may have the desired side benefit you seek. My situation is different and still unfolding but I do credit the 180 I pulled when my wife expressed thoughts of separation with getting my wife to choose me instead of he OM when I caught her cheating. I think I still do many of the 180 items now. It's a confidence thing. Not sure that fits with your approach of pining away for your husband for a year while he openly lives with another woman. On a side note, why would he change when he clearly has you both captivated? What is it that you are doing differently now that make you think you'll get a different result?
Loni Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Just keep spending his money, let him pay your bills and take no action toward divorce. The OW if she has an ounce of sense will get tired of it and eventually leave his ass. OW do not like that at all. Then again do you really want him back because the OW left him?
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Why do I want him back? That's a really good question. I made a vow to love him forever, and while I have every reason to divorce him, I'm not there. I pray and I pray, and I have even been to a "Get Your Life Back Retreat" but I am still very much in love with him. I don't think for one minute that she is his soul-mate...she has some kind of hold on him, but she's not his soul-mate.if she was, he would start divorce proceedings and separate our finances; but he hasn't. I think he's very conflicted and in a lot of pain. I believe that marriages can survive infidelity, and I'm willing to do the hard work of restoring our marriage if he would pull his head out of his butt and start working on it too. Bolded part. Yes, marriages can survive infidelity, but it takes TWO to do that, to make it work. Right now he's far from that.. He's not with you at home, remorseful, proving his trust and love to you. He is not worthy of another chance .. Yet. It's out of your hands, he is confused but that is ON HIM and HIS FAULT because he chose this cheating path! How long do you intend on waiting for him to 'wake up and pull his head out of his ass?'
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Just keep spending his money, let him pay your bills and take no action toward divorce. The OW if she has an ounce of sense will get tired of it and eventually leave his ass. OW do not like that at all Then again do you really want him back because the OW left him? Uhmm, that's rare. Usually the OW hang on, they don't end it once the guy is separated.. The thing, we have NO idea what he is telling his OW. She may not know how much angst he's feeling or know that he is considering going back to his wife. ANd, would the OW want him if his wife is the one who pushes the D and not him?? Difference is, his wife has shared a LIFE with him, filled with memories, and family and friends.. The OW has what? A fun filled sex life and new found crush like feelings with him, that made him feel good, all based on the expense of his innocent wife... Do the math.
Loni Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Just keep spending his money, let him pay your bills and take no action toward divorce. The OW if she has an ounce of sense will get tired of it and eventually leave his ass. OW do not like that at all Then again do you really want him back because the OW left him? Uhmm, that's rare. Usually the OW hang on, they don't end it once the guy is separated.. The thing, we have NO idea what he is telling his OW. She may not know how much angst he's feeling or know that he is considering going back to his wife. ANd, would the OW want him if his wife is the one who pushes the D and not him?? Difference is, his wife has shared a LIFE with him, filled with memories, and family and friends.. The OW has what? A fun filled sex life and new found crush like feelings with him, that made him feel good, all based on the expense of his innocent wife... Do the math. Re read my post. I said do nothing and did not advise the poster to push the divorce. On the contrary I said to keep spending his money and not lift a finger to divorce. It worked in my case where I was the OW. After a while of living with him I got really tired of his inaction and ditched him.
PhoenixRise Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Right now it is in your husband's interest to be as confused and conflicted as possible. He gets a tremendous pay off. Yeah you say he is depressed and has an ulcer. But on the other hand he is now a 51 year old man who has two women who love him and want him. I don't care what he tells you, he feels pretty damn good about that. He will stay confused and conflicted as long as you and she allow him to. He has been separated from you and they have been living together for a year now. Why do you think she has not insisted he divorce? Why have you not insisted that he either pi$$ or get off the pot regarding your marriage? Both of you are afraid that if you stand up for yourself and demand what you deserve he will take his marbles and go play with the other one. Who the hell wants to live/love this way? It may sound and feel counter-intuitive to you, but the best thing you can do for your marriage is to let it go. Mourn it. And start to live a kick a$$ life on your own. Travel, make new friends, socialize with old friends, take some classes, get passionate about a new hobby, get passionate about YOUR life. AND STOP letting him talk to you about his conflict and confusion as long as he is living with another woman. If he wants you, insist on actions that prove it. You have nothing to lose here. If he loves you and wants to be with you he will learn to respect you and he will do what it takes get back into your life. If he doesn't, then you will be well on your way to creating a happier life without him. Good luck
Glinda Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Just keep spending his money, let him pay your bills and take no action toward divorce. The OW if she has an ounce of sense will get tired of it and eventually leave his ass. OW do not like that at all. Then again do you really want him back because the OW left him? His money? HALF of "his" money is HERS! Debra, unless you enjoy the thought of part of your money going towards the OW's upkeep, I suggest you close the joint account and separate finances. If he wants to have extramarital dalliances, he should do it on his own dime. Do not continue to demean yourself by continuing to help pay for OW.
YellowShark Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 I feel debradoll1 really needs to take a step back and look at this from another angle. If she had a friend who's husband left for another woman, moved in with the other woman a year ago, and was making ZERO effort to reconcile the marriage I would say debradoll1 would advise her friend to dump the guy and move on. And that is exactly what debradoll1 needs to do. Move on with her life.
Loni Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 His money? HALF of "his" money is HERS! Debra, unless you enjoy the thought of part of your money going towards the OW's upkeep, I suggest you close the joint account and separate finances. If he wants to have extramarital dalliances, he should do it on his own dime. Do not continue to demean yourself by continuing to help pay for OW. Half his assets accumulated in the marriage is hers. Not half his income. I am guessing that she has not opened her own account because she needs that money form the joint account. I can't imagine any wife being silly enough to continue dropping money in a joint account knowing her husband is living with an OW
Woman In Blue Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Wow, this guy sounds like Page #4 of the Midlife Crisis Catalog. I can't IMAGINE why you continue to bother with this guy - I would have divorced his ass MONTHS ago. Well DebraDoll, how noble of YOU to do all the sacrificing, all the hard work, all the worrying and all the bearing of the heartbreak while Mr. Moron is living it up with his highschool sweetheart in their love nest. It really drives me crazy to see women acting like floormats for a*sshole men. Please stop humiliating and degrading yourself.
mzdolphin Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 This sounds horrible and it seems you love your husband. But if it were me, I would not "do what I can to get him back." I would leave the door open for him to come back, but he needs to be doing all the begging and pleading. I say this because I've been on both sides of an affair. My ex-husband cheated on me (Tiger Woods kind of stuff. No one in particular, just all over the place). He didn't want a divorce. Went into rehab/for sex addiction, everything. After much therapy myself it was clear to me that we wanted different things and the stress of being married to an addict was taking its toll of me. I filled for divorce. Glad I did. I'm a much happier person. The other side: I reunited with a guy I had been in a relationship with 18 years ago. He presented himself as divorced. I found out he was married. Broke it off. When we were involved 18 years ago, he was single. I left him (was young, career reasons, moved to another state). Even after I informed his wife of his cheating three years ago when I dumped him, he continues to call, says he loves me and married the wrong woman. I care about him, but see him as a liar, cheat, someone who can't be trusted. I don't think he will change. Meaning, if it's not me, he'll cheat with someone else. His wife seems to know, but this is her choice to stay in the marriage. If they had an open marriage, I'd say, hey whatever. But she thinks she has a marriage that has recovered from infidelity, when in fact she has the same cheater. What a horrible way to live. To me the cheater has to do the work in convincing the BS that he or she has changed. Of course we all can work on our faults and enhance our behavior. But the cheat has to do the begging, the pleading. Otherwise they are rewarded for their misdeeds.
mzdolphin Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 I feel debradoll1 really needs to take a step back and look at this from another angle. If she had a friend who's husband left for another woman, moved in with the other woman a year ago, and was making ZERO effort to reconcile the marriage I would say debradoll1 would advise her friend to dump the guy and move on. And that is exactly what debradoll1 needs to do. Move on with her life. YellowShark, I call it the Jerry Springer Test. Imagine an episode of Jerry Springer in which your situation is the topic. My Husband Cheated. Should I take him back? And you are on stage, describing your sorry situation. How would the audience react? I use this test a lot because it's a practice in detachment, and needed from time to time.
YellowShark Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 YellowShark, I call it the Jerry Springer Test. Imagine an episode of Jerry Springer in which your situation is the topic. My Husband Cheated. Should I take him back? And you are on stage, describing your sorry situation. How would the audience react? I use this test a lot because it's a practice in detachment, and needed from time to time. I feel for debradoll1 because she is waiting for nothing. I think after one year of total inaction by her husband it's really time to cut the cord and move on with her life. Her marital vows to him are no longer valid, or need to be honoured. And if a friend was in the same predicament I bet debradoll1 would advise her friend to walk away too.
y2k Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 This man has been cheating on you for almost a year and you're still with this guy? He moved in with her? And he's unremorseful? I have advice: Divorce. ^^^^Best advice here.
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