Lilmisus Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Yesterday, a few hours after our lunch date, I texted Mr. Cute Guy "Hey! Can't remembr if I said it earlier but thanks for lunch today, I had a good time with you." Just as a way to let him know I appreciated it, and that I was into him..but nothing too much. Since then, I haven't heard anything back from him. I've said this before: My ex only had a phone for a couple months in our relationship, and if he didn't reply back, I was usually never worried about it. Actually..I only worried if I saw that I had a missed call or text from him, since that would typically be his way of bailing on me. So..I don't know how to go about this whole "texting and dating" thing and what to expect, get worried about, and whatever else. I'm told by a few that this is a bad sign..he's not interested. But I don't know how long to wait before I know for sure. After all, at the end of the date, he was asking if I wanted to join him at the beach, if I was free tonight so he could take me to a movie (but I work in an hour), or if I was free Sunday (I work again), and I told him to just let me know his schedule next week and we'd work it out from there. He said okay, and we said goodbye with a hug. So..worry and move on (like my friends are telling me), or just don't look too into this..cause he has a life? Or..did I give him bad signs by not taking him up on any of his offers for this weekend?
Janesays Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 My advice is: Don't emotionally invest yourself too much in a guy you barely know.
carhill Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 My opinion, based on my own reactions to similar dynamics, is that, once he made multiple requests for different dating opportunities and was turned down without proactive effort on the OP's part to firm up something definite, this potential went onto the back burner. I generally, if the first or first few dates go well, upon asking for a future date and being turned down (reason is irrelevant), expect the woman to be proactive in telling me *when* she's available and suggesting something for us to do. This shows mature interest and the ability and desire to schedule some time for us, as I had been doing prior. I'd leave it alone. If he's sufficiently interested, he will make one more effort. Your response will direct any future this dynamic has. Good luck.
Author Lilmisus Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 My opinion, based on my own reactions to similar dynamics, is that, once he made multiple requests for different dating opportunities and was turned down without proactive effort on the OP's part to firm up something definite, this potential went onto the back burner. I generally, if the first or first few dates go well, upon asking for a future date and being turned down (reason is irrelevant), expect the woman to be proactive in telling me *when* she's available and suggesting something for us to do. This shows mature interest and the ability and desire to schedule some time for us, as I had been doing prior. I'd leave it alone. If he's sufficiently interested, he will make one more effort. Your response will direct any future this dynamic has. Good luck. Good advice, thanks. That's what I'm worried about. Because, he first told me to let him know when I was free next week, and I told him I'd find out today, but I only work a few hour shifts so I could do anything most days, and it just depended on his schedule. So that's when I told him to let me know when he was free, and what his schedule was, and that I'd like to get together in the future. When I was with them today, I asked my friend to ask her boyfriend tonight to ask Mr. Cute Guy what he thought of me yesterday. Not sure if that's a good or bad idea, but I'm interested in what is said. I told her boyfriend that I enjoyed our lunch yesterday when he asked, so hopefully that's enough of a sign for Mr. Cute Guy to know that I am interested. We'll see. I'll be fine either way though.
carhill Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Here's some real simple advice which usually will work well. Guy who you have met and/or been on a date with asks you out, e.g. dinner Friday evening. You work Friday evening. OK 'I have to work Friday evening but I'd love to join you for dinner. How about Saturday evening?' Be specific about the 'reason' for declining, show interest, and offer a specific remedy. To be completely honest, and I don't care how 'hot' a woman is, if she tells me she's 'busy' and doesn't offer a concrete alternative, I tell her to 'take care' and she ceases to exist in my world. That's how it's always been with me. My reaction is perhaps 'abnormal', but I take such comments as polite insults, as if I don't have a busy life and have to make time, carve out space and get creative about social invitations I craft. We're all 'busy'. It's called living. /rant
thatone Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 i don't think your reaction is abnormal at all, i'm the same way. here's the thing, i know younger women get themselves involved in all sorts of activity to fill up their schedules to the brim, but if there's attraction they'll make time. and i'm completely understanding of people busier than me, almost everyone who isn't bedridden is more busy than me (i'm a landlord, all i do is deposit rent checks once a month for a living), but if there's interest she'll make time, even if it's just a half hour a day to meet up for a drink and a "how was your day" conversation. so yes, be careful how you say things, carhill is right.
Author Lilmisus Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Good points..I'll definitely consider that next time. It just sucked at the time, because I had absolutely no idea when I'd be free. I could tell him "Yeah..I'm free Thursday.." but I didn't know if it'd be true or not, and I didn't want to bail on him because of a false promise. I asked one guy friend for advice tonight, and he said that some guys do a three day rule? Three days after asking a girl out or going out with her, he'll wait and just not message, or message her and see how long it takes for her to message him back? Just to see how much "crazy" she has in her, and see if she'll overload his phone with messages and whatnot. He asked me how many times I've messaged him, and I told him just once - yesterday, none today. He said to message him once today (except it was too late...) and do it tomorrow. So here's a question: When should I message him? Should I just do it tomorrow? He should figure out his schedule Sunday I'm pretty sure, but I already have mine. And what should I message him? I'm thinking: "Hey! So, if you would like, I'm free Thursday, if you would like to catch a movie or something? Just lemme know :)" How does that sound? I'm still just worried that the issue is he's not into me after all...even though I gave him 10 different reasons to think that I'm not into him That's why I'm so iffy right now. (This seriously bugged me all night tonight. Just kicking myself for how I came across yesterday. Silly? Yes. But oh well).
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 If you want to see him again, mindful that the date ended with - "I told him to just let me know his schedule next week and we'd work it out from there. He said okay, and we said goodbye with a hug." - so leave it alone and enable him to let you know his schedule and *you* make it a point to carve out some time in that schedule and do it enthusiastically. If he is sufficiently interested, he will call you. Remember, he's 'normal'
Author Lilmisus Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 If you want to see him again, mindful that the date ended with - "I told him to just let me know his schedule next week and we'd work it out from there. He said okay, and we said goodbye with a hug." - so leave it alone and enable him to let you know his schedule and *you* make it a point to carve out some time in that schedule and do it enthusiastically. If he is sufficiently interested, he will call you. Remember, he's 'normal' Mmmm. So don't message him like my friend said, just wait for him? It's so confusing for me, just because he first told me to let him know my schedule, then I said it right back to him and we both said sure when the other suggested it Remind me next time to just cool it and go with the flow, that way I don't have to worry myself to death over something so insignificant. It's just killing me remembering how he said a few times that he thought I'd stand him up yesterday, and me turning down his multiple offers of getting together, and not knowing where I stand with him right now. I'm interested (not quite emotionally invested..) but I don't want to ruin a chance with a sincerely good guy..just because I'm an idiot with communication problems.
thatone Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 (edited) it's not the end of the world. this is part of being an adult, everyone has to learn. and it's not just in dating and relationships, they extend to professional life as well. those subtle communication skills aren't a natural talent, everyone has to learn how to do such things, and the only way you learn is by doing, thinking about what you did wrong, and doing again. if he calls back just explain the situation to him (not apologetically, but rationally). "yes i would go out with you again, i didn't intend to sound like i was uninterested after our first date, my schedule is just up in the air right now. how about wednesday?" don't apologize, don't sound like you're ashamed of your actions, don't sound surrender'ish, just say the truth, rationally, and offer another date and time. Edited June 25, 2011 by thatone
BetheButterfly Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 My advice is: Don't emotionally invest yourself too much in a guy you barely know. That's good advice.
thatone Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 if anything, you could possibly turn this around in your favor if he does call back and you wind up in a conversation about this. if he says something about "most women use their schedules as a lie to send rejection signals" then you could reply with "well i'm not those women, what i said was the truth". then he'll be the one sitting around thinking about you. that's the game, as the years go by and you play it more you'll get better at it .
Author Lilmisus Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 So wait and don't do anything? That sounds simple enough. But..I'll have to warn y'all that I'm thinking about texting him tomorrow or Monday, after he knows his schedule, to see what's up. Mainly because I've had three friends tell me "Just text him already!" and I think I'd like to mix waiting and texting him together by just doing it then, ya know? But I'm not sure about the whole game scenario though. I don't want to just twist things around in my favor, I just want to start getting things right
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Disable the text function on your phone. Dating requests are conducted aurally.
Author Lilmisus Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 Disable the text function on your phone. Dating requests are conducted aurally. He asked me out via text... Strangely enough, 10 minutes later I saw him and he reinstated that he wanted to take me out and told me to get my schedule and to let him know. If he hadn't done that..then I would definitely call or visit him to ask him about it.
scarlett27 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 as lovely as it was of u to message him and thank him for the date as a 28 year old woman i have found its normally been a mans place to say thanks had a lovely time etc after the date , please dont send any more or chase - men like to chase well my age group seem to , dont appear to eager - ps u sound lovely good luck x
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Final advice: Don't text; don't call. If he texts, respond "Call me". No elaboration. A man with whom you 'had a great time' and shared a hug can operate his vocal chords. Set the standard for personal communication early and clearly.
scarlett27 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 your as mature as an 18 year old if you think that your entitled to ur opinion i have dated since the age of 19 and have found men that are interested always come running , so thanks for ur input but everyone has their own experience of dating and that is mine love
Author Lilmisus Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 as lovely as it was of u to message him and thank him for the date as a 28 year old woman i have found its normally been a mans place to say thanks had a lovely time etc after the date , please dont send any more or chase - men like to chase well my age group seem to , dont appear to eager - ps u sound lovely good luck x I don't quite agree with this, as I feel either could say they had a good time and could do the chase. After all..I'm looking for a 50/50 relationship this time around. Not 80/20 like my last one was (where I did all the work). I'm willing to let him do some pursuing..but definitely not most of the work here. He texted me According to him (not sure how true this is) he lost is phone soon after our lunch and he recently found it. We've been texting back and forth for the past little bit as I've been getting ready for work, but no word on if there will be date number 2 or not just yet. I'm just so thankful right now that I didn't send him a gazillion texts I know some girls who would have, but that's one good lesson I did learn from my ex: he has the one text, when he wants to call or text you back, he will..give it time. Thanks for all the advice y'all, and I think you're right...try to get him on the phone (or maybe in person) for asking for date number 2. Keyword: try. I'll keep it updated.
scarlett27 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 good luck - people on here love to rip shreds out of each other its a bit sad , but defo best of luck to you if its meant to be it will !! xx
carhill Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 OK, he contacted you via text with no details of his schedule nor invitation for a second date. You made a choice to enjoin that contact. IMO, you have set a precedent. Hope it works out.
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