Thump Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 This is long, and I'm sorry... My bf told me last night that he doesn't grow attached to people. That he's cheated on almost every girl he's been with, that he doesn't know what he wants, that he cannot guarantee me anything from him, that he loves me and that I am the sweetest, cutest, most caring girl he's ever met in his entire life, but he doesn't want to hurt me. I really don't understand. I'm now scared, hurt, already feel betrayed (which isn't fair, bc he hasn't done anything) and I don't know where to go from here. We've been together for a year and we've had our problems. I love him, I'm in love with him. He says he doesn't want to break up. I don't get it. Why tell me these things? I already understand that nothing in life is guaranteed, all you have to do is read through most of these forums to get that heartbreak is all around, and the once seemingly perfect person can become a perfect stranger, but why would someone go into it thinking like that? I don't sit around and think about how one of us later down the road could cheat on the other, or become bored. NOW I AM, but I didn't before. I'm completely torn down the middle on how I feel or should take this. On one side I think it took a lot of courage to tell me these things, and on the other I think that if I stay it's almost as if i'm giving him carte blanche to do whatever he pleases bc, he's told me what he's like. I asked him how he would feel if I told him to leave, and he said that it woud really hurt, and that he would hope we could stay in contact, that he doesn't want to lose me, that again he loves me and wants to stay with me, but if I decide that I can't he still wants to be in my life. I told him that wasn't possible, that unlike him I grow very attached and seeing or talking to him after ending things was NOT something that I would be capable of doing. He didn't take that very well, saying it was really f***ed up. I wouldn't be able to get over him if he was still around. Not a chance... That really stopped him though, and for the first time during the convo he looked a little scared. I told him i needed to think about what he just handed me, and now he's texting me every few hours asking if he can come over, asking if I'm ok. I don't know what to do.
Nexus One Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) This is long, and I'm sorry... My bf told me last night that he doesn't grow attached to people. That he's cheated on almost every girl he's been with, that he doesn't know what he wants, that he cannot guarantee me anything from him, that he loves me and that I am the sweetest, cutest, most caring girl he's ever met in his entire life, but he doesn't want to hurt me. I really don't understand. I'm now scared, hurt, already feel betrayed (which isn't fair, bc he hasn't done anything) and I don't know where to go from here. We've been together for a year and we've had our problems. I love him, I'm in love with him. He says he doesn't want to break up. I don't get it. Why tell me these things? I already understand that nothing in life is guaranteed, all you have to do is read through most of these forums to get that heartbreak is all around, and the once seemingly perfect person can become a perfect stranger, but why would someone go into it thinking like that? I don't sit around and think about how one of us later down the road could cheat on the other, or become bored. NOW I AM, but I didn't before. I'm completely torn down the middle on how I feel or should take this. On one side I think it took a lot of courage to tell me these things, and on the other I think that if I stay it's almost as if i'm giving him carte blanche to do whatever he pleases bc, he's told me what he's like. I asked him how he would feel if I told him to leave, and he said that it woud really hurt, and that he would hope we could stay in contact, that he doesn't want to lose me, that again he loves me and wants to stay with me, but if I decide that I can't he still wants to be in my life. I told him that wasn't possible, that unlike him I grow very attached and seeing or talking to him after ending things was NOT something that I would be capable of doing. He didn't take that very well, saying it was really f***ed up. I wouldn't be able to get over him if he was still around. Not a chance... That really stopped him though, and for the first time during the convo he looked a little scared. I told him i needed to think about what he just handed me, and now he's texting me every few hours asking if he can come over, asking if I'm ok. I don't know what to do. He's telling you he doesn't have control over his sex drive. That if another girl would spread her legs for him, then he'd f*ck her. That's probably quite hard to hear, but that's what I'm getting from what he's saying. He says that he can't guarantee anything and that he doesn't want to hurt you, but note the lack of assurance that he WILL NOT hurt you. He doesn't give that assurance because he knows he doesn't have the proper self control to give it to you. The guy is also a walking talking contradiction. He says he doesn't get attached to people, but then says he loves you and thinks it's f*cked up when he can't be with you if you decide to leave him. I don't know WHY he told you this, but it's possible that he hopes that you will accept it if he cheats and thus has sex with other women, because on one side he told you he cheated on nearly every one of his girlfriends, but is then bummed over the fact that if you would leave him, that he then can't be with you. Think about what that last part implies. If you leave him as his girlfriend, he still wants to be part of your life. WHY? What is so important to him? He said he doesn't grow attached to people, then why would he be bummed about that. It's possible that he would want to continue to have sex with you, even after you guys break up. I'm probably giving you the almost worst case scenario, but I feel I'm not far off in how this is going to end up. Edited June 24, 2011 by Nexus One
molimo140 Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I once dated a girl that essentially said this same thing to me. Take my advice and find someone else, you're worth more and you should recognize it.
vsmini Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) Of COURSE he thinks No Contact is f*cked up....because that means he won't have you on hand as his fallback girl and you won't continue to be his ego stroke. Don't fall for him being courageous that he told you - it is good that he did so and shows *a little* dignity on his part but really - you can't give him too much credit for that. He's giving himself insurance. He's basically told you that he might screw up with you and if he does you shouldn't be surprised. Either that or he's trying to break up with you in a very strange way and freaked out when you mentioned no contact. I would get rid of him. This guy is waving a red flag in your face. Oh - ask him if he has "Anhedonia" my ex told me the same thing. He was a 24 year old little boy. Edited June 24, 2011 by vsmini
Author Thump Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Ugh, thanks so much for the input everyone... It felt like the equivalent to being punched in the throat, but ultimately, I needed to hear it. Now the even harder part - leaving. Should be the easiest, right? The idea of not having him around anymore is getting me crying all over again. I know that if I stay it's only going to hurt more later when he does good on his word. Ahhh... Life isn't fair. It's 4:30 a nice cold beer is what I need.
Author Thump Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 I would get rid of him. This guy is waving a red flag in your face. Oh - ask him if he has "Anhedonia" my ex told me the same thing. He was a 24 year old little boy. yeah big giant red flag, which I'm currently choking on. I had to google Anhedonia. Funny, sounds like what's going on. My boyfriend is a 38 year old little boy. Where exactly do they come from and why a year down the rd does the "crazy" dial up? Yuck, my stomach hurts. Nexus - Worst case scenario, yeah, but I tend to agree that I think you're not far off the mark. Thanks, hearing it from others was definitely what I needed, though painful - ha ha... THUMP there goes my heart. Molimo - Thanks a lot, much appreciated, I hope you escaped that girl unscathed. I think we're all pretty much worth more than that. It's realizing it sometimes that can be tricky.
Nexus One Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Ugh, thanks so much for the input everyone... It felt like the equivalent to being punched in the throat, but ultimately, I needed to hear it. Now the even harder part - leaving. Should be the easiest, right? The idea of not having him around anymore is getting me crying all over again. I know that if I stay it's only going to hurt more later when he does good on his word. Ahhh... Life isn't fair. It's 4:30 a nice cold beer is what I need. Disclaimer: Note that we, i.e. random and anonymous people on forums and the internet, can be wrong. We don't know the guy, we don't know what it was he really thought and felt when he told you all this. We don't know how he's really going to behave in the future. We can only make a best guess based on the information you provided. The internet isn't always right, so perhaps it would be wise to ask him to explain the very things he said before you make a decision to break up. If he indeed says that he can't guarantee loyalty because he can't control his sex drive, then the chance is high that you'll end up getting hurt. Think about all this yourself, don't just take our opinions for it. People can make errors of judgement, I know I can. So don't just trust us on what we say, (also) think for yourself.
vsmini Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 38?????? Jay-sus. Way too old for so much As$holery.
Nexus One Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 38?????? Jay-sus. Way too old for so much As$holery. Many if not most players are players for life. Take for example Berlusconi and George Clooney. If you think that at their ages they would be mature and not sleep around so much, then you'd be wrong.
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