I don't trust him.

[tigressA]

I told him what I had done. He was upset and angry, as was to be expected. He went silent on me for about half an hour or so. I cried, couldn't help it. I got him to talk and he asked how he could be sure I wouldn't keep doing this stuff. He asked why I bothered to tell him and then he answered his own question by suggesting I couldn't bear the burden of it anymore so decided to lay it on him. I repeatedly told him I was sorry, and it wouldn't happen again. He asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell him about what I had done and I said no. He said, "If things continue like this then it's not going to work." I said, "I know."

 

He said essentially the same thing that Sagetalk has been saying--that I don't trust or love myself enough and therefore I am consistently insecure about how he feels for me. He said, "I think as soon as you get that under control then you won't feel like this anymore. I'm going to tell you right now that I couldn't love someone else more than you, or cheat on you, or whatever, because I already have the best. I'm not going to screw that up." And so we went on about our day.

[cerridwen]

I told him what I had done. He was upset and angry, as was to be expected. He went silent on me for about half an hour or so. I cried, couldn't help it. I got him to talk and he asked how he could be sure I wouldn't keep doing this stuff. He asked why I bothered to tell him and then he answered his own question by suggesting I couldn't bear the burden of it anymore so decided to lay it on him. I repeatedly told him I was sorry, and it wouldn't happen again. He asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell him about what I had done and I said no. He said, "If things continue like this then it's not going to work." I said, "I know."

 

He said essentially the same thing that Sagetalk has been saying--that I don't trust or love myself enough and therefore I am consistently insecure about how he feels for me. He said, "I think as soon as you get that under control then you won't feel like this anymore. I'm going to tell you right now that I couldn't love someone else more than you, or cheat on you, or whatever, because I already have the best. I'm not going to screw that up." And so we went on about our day.

 

Wow. I love how you handled this.

It took balls to confess to the snooping.

It also took integrity.

 

You're so moving in a direction of positive growth tigressA, of really healing the hurts of the past. So happy for you.

[spiderowl]

I think it's important to tell your boyfriend that you are not over the way you were treated in your previous relationship. Make it quite clear that you hate that guy and no longer love him, but that his treatment of you was abusive and you may take some time to adjust to a guy who is treating you so much better.

 

But then you need to leave your new guy alone and not check up on him. If he was going to cheat on you, he'd do it whether you checked up on him or not so you can't prevent it. I'm not saying he would cheat - he sounds genuine to me - but you can't prevent someone cheating. What you are trying to do, it seems, is to get some sort of forewarning of cheating so that it doesn't hit you so hard if it happens. As someone who has been out of a relationship for a while and independent, I can tell you that if a guy started behaving like you do and checking up on me or asking me to delete my profile, I'd drop him. I know you are trying to to let him know what you are doing but if someone is insecure and is checking up on you, you'd feel the pressure at some level, instinctively. An independent guy is not going to want to feel restricted. He is going to want you to trust him not to betray you.

 

Put this another way. If you kept your profile online because you like to idle there when you're bored or maybe to chat to people as friends, how would you feel if your boyfriend (who you knew you would never want to leave) told you you had to close the profile? If you knew absolutely that no-one else interested you in that way, how would you feel if he didn't believe you? What if he checked up on you and accompanied you whenever another guy was involved in any meeting or social event? Eventually, you'd start to feel encroached upon and resentful. You know in your heart you won't betray him and you'd expect him to know that too. If he persisted in his requests to curtail your freedom and in scrutinising you, eventually you might start to feel that you were losing too much in order to make him feel better. You might start asking whether your feelings mattered too? This is the stage when a partner might consider whether a relationship is worth the hassle or not.

 

It's hard for anyone to trust a partner. I'm not sure I ever would completely again, but they deserve that respect until you can non longer ignore the evidence. I don't think you should go looking for evidence or restricting your guy.

Edited June 26, 2011 by spiderowl

[heartshaped]

I sincerely hope you don't continue this behavior. I hope that you confessing all that you've done is the first step in you truly beginning to heal your issues of insecurity and trust.

[nyc_guy2003]

The irony of this whole thread is that I wonder what would happen if this guy found out you were documenting the intimate details of your entire relationship to a community full of strangers behind his back. Or better yet, if you found out that he was posting the intimate details of your relationship to a community full of strangers himself.

[tigressA]

The irony of this whole thread is that I wonder what would happen if this guy found out you were documenting the intimate details of your entire relationship to a community full of strangers behind his back. Or better yet, if you found out that he was posting the intimate details of your relationship to a community full of strangers himself.

 

He knows that I post here (and he's seen some past threads), so that's completely irrelevant.

[nyc_guy2003]

Care to share this thread with him then, or the one where you were thinking about breaking up with him? If not then you're not being entirely forthcoming with him.

[Imajerk17]

Tigress,

 

You're starting to give me the creeps. You realize that your behavior is grounds for a dumping, I hope.

 

There's no two ways around it. Your behavior is messed up. You can't keep someone in love with you by being their jailer.

 

Have you considered the possibility that you just are not suitable for a relationship right now?

[RepairMinded]

Tigress:

 

Stop having sex with people that you don't yet know well enough to trust.

[Lady vs Panda]

Well, it is positive that you told him, OP. That took big shiny brass ones, kudos.

[carhill]

In accordance with my usual abnormal way of looking at things, I was pondering how the OP's BF, in the over four months since officially becoming a couple on Valentine's Day, only received a first notification from OKCupid just a couple days ago, reminding him he had an active profile there. I mean, I'm Joe Forgettable (OTOH he's pretty hot, IIRC) and I'd usually get a few spam/scam e-mails a week, generally from these gorgeous way too young women

 

Anyway, it was on my mind. Carry on.

[aj22one]

In accordance with my usual abnormal way of looking at things, I was pondering how the OP's BF, in the over four months since officially becoming a couple on Valentine's Day, only received a first notification from OKCupid just a couple days ago, reminding him he had an active profile there. I mean, I'm Joe Forgettable (OTOH he's pretty hot, IIRC) and I'd usually get a few spam/scam e-mails a week, generally from these gorgeous way too young women

 

Anyway, it was on my mind. Carry on.

 

Eh. I've been on OKCupid for almost 2 years. I got two unsolicited emails the first week I had it, but afterwards nothing. So, it's certainly possible. Particularly if you don't do any kind of editing or updating (which you can't do if you're not signing in) to make it appear on the main home page.

[Imajerk17]

I hope Tigress is shocked away from her bad behavior. I also hope she AND her boyfriend realize that her behavior is a sign that she is very prone to being abusive later on. SERIOUS red flag.

[tigressA]

Imajerk, I really feel like you're being needlessly provocative. I don't appreciate it at all. I have said numerous times in this thread that I regret my behavior and that I know it's wrong and unfair to my boyfriend.

 

I also don't understand why I am being attacked for posting here about my relationship. I don't post anything here that he doesn't already know or know about soon after I post, so I don't see it as "going behind his back" or not being forthcoming. I don't see other posters who are prolific in regards to their own relationships being criticized and asked, "Oh, so have you told your BF/GF you post here?? Have they seen these threads?? If not then you're not being honest!" :rolleyes: Get off your f*cking high horse. If you're going to attack me for not showing my BF these threads then you should be going after other posters who choose to not reveal their LS identity to their SOs and post details about their relationships.

 

Finally, though I have no bones to pick about my overall behavior being flat-out wrong, I feel I must clarify. I don't prevent him from going out if he wants to, nor do I insist on being invited to come along every single time. I don't interrogate him about incoming calls or texts. I don't check his phone every single time he ducks into the bathroom or dozes off or goes to check his laundry. Same with his computer--I haven't touched it since the last thread I posted about having snooped, and I have had plenty of opportunity to. Yes, the fact that I even did anything like what I have is wrong. I know that. I admitted it to my boyfriend, acknowledged I was wrong and that I am sorry, and he has forgiven me. But asserting that I'm his "jailer" is just blowing things way out of proportion, IMO.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Tigress,

 

The main issue is not that you will or will not continue to snoop on him, nor is it the question of whether or not your bf is truly trustworthy.

 

I think the MAIN trouble here is that you got way out of sync. Cart-before-horse thing. You are living with your boyfriend and you (as I understand it) are dependent upon him since you haven't found a job. Yet the basic foundation of a good relationship - trust - is absolutely absent. Your recent huge incident with him (sex tape sales) was a trust problem as well.

 

IMO, you needed to have your trust WELL established before you took this relationship to this level. Particularly if you are having trust problems, like you are, due to the recent past relationship. I think you are going to have to backtrack and get that handled, somehow.

 

(Nobody ever told this to me when I was in my early 20's, and if they had I wouldn't have listened.)

[tigressA]

Tigress,

 

The main issue is not that you will or will not continue to snoop on him, nor is it the question of whether or not your bf is truly trustworthy.

 

I think the MAIN trouble here is that you got way out of sync. Cart-before-horse thing. You are living with your boyfriend and you (as I understand it) are dependent upon him since you haven't found a job. Yet the basic foundation of a good relationship - trust - is absolutely absent. Your recent huge incident with him (sex tape sales) was a trust problem as well.

 

IMO, you needed to have your trust WELL established before you took this relationship to this level. Particularly if you are having trust problems, like you are, due to the recent past relationship. I think you are going to have to backtrack and get that handled, somehow.

 

(Nobody ever told this to me when I was in my early 20's, and if they had I wouldn't have listened.)

 

Something to think about. Cart-before-horse...well, how would you suggest I backtrack and handle it?