I don't trust him.

[northstar1]

To clarify: I didn't put an overall tracker on him, like on his phone or computer or anything. I created an 'anonymous' alias on the dating site we met on (OKCupid), with no profile content and an out-of-state location. I browsed anonymously so he couldn't see someone was visiting his profile. I did this only to see if he ever still logged into the site, but he hadn't since we first met. I deleted that anonymous profile a couple weeks ago.

 

Well, you've made small progress then.

 

Unless you are someone enjoying the uneasy thrill of spying on his stuff, you need to convince yourself that doing that is not going to have any benefit to the relationship. and at some point, you'll see something that you suspect to be 'bad' and you'll twist that in your head into a giant issue.

 

Do you fully trust yourself in the relationship?

[tigressA]

Hey Tigress. Somehow I knew you didn't trust him. Your threads kind of gave me that weird-ass vibe out of nowhere, so I've been kind of staying away so's not to jinx or put thoughts into your mind, if that vibe was false.

 

I agree with welike. Getting over being cheated on can take awhile and for some, never.

 

But his refusal to delete his dating profile is strange and worth keeping an eye on. What came first? The phone checking or noticing the non-deletion of dating profile?

 

I think both came around the same time. I had started snooping on and off back in March. About his "refusal"--I had got the sense that he was teasing me a little, which pissed me off and I told him why. He apologized. He was annoyed because he felt we shared basically the same perspective but had expressed it in different ways--I had deleted my profile long ago because I was really into him, and he just forgot about his profile because he was really into me. I saw his keeping his profile up, regardless of his forgetting about it and never logging in, as keeping his options open. He disagreed but went along with what I wanted anyway. And I thought I was fine with him just not logging in to it at all, and he hadn't done so since we met. I only knew that because I was anonymously stalking his profile, though. It was him getting that email that made me ask him to just delete it altogether.

 

To anyone who doesn't already know, yes, I did cheat before--in my longest relationship, which lasted about 2 years. I cheated 4 months in with a guy friend, a former FWB who I was still emotionally straddling. I had come clean immediately, he forgave me, we stayed together, I eventually broke up with him.

 

Northstar, I do trust myself in this relationship. I adore him and I can hardly see beyond him with regard to other men. This relationship isn't my entire life, though, of course. That's the way it should be.

[Nexus One]

My exwife did not trust me at all even though I have never cheated in my life. In the end she was the one that cheated. Her reason: Insecurity:laugh:

 

Pierre, that is EXACTLY, what happened to me...

 

A trait I've noticed in all the guys I know that cheat; They all tend to either be hypocrites or say hypocritical things. Perhaps the same thing goes for women.

 

Now this doesn't mean that all hypocrites or people who say hypocritical things cheat, but personally I've started to see that as a red flag and I encounter the correlation often enough on LS too for it to be a possible concern.

[tigressA]

A trait I've noticed in all the guys I know that cheat; They all tend to either be hypocrites or say hypocritical things. Perhaps the same thing goes for women.

 

Now this doesn't mean that all hypocrites or people who say hypocritical things cheat, but personally I've started to see that as a red flag and I encounter the correlation often enough on LS too for it to be a possible concern.

 

My ex was like this. He would say things that even the dumbest person would realize were hypocritical. I'd point it out and he'd hardcore gaslight me, so after awhile I didn't bother. BF isn't like this.

[Janesays]

I never cheated in my life.

 

Yet, I've had multiple relationships with guys who have been cheated on in the past and punished me for their issues and insecurities with their exes. Never again will I go through that nonsense. I deserve better than being treated like a criminal for doing NOTHING wrong and so does your boyfriend.

[snug.bunny]

A trait I've noticed in all the guys I know that cheat; They all tend to either be hypocrites or say hypocritical things. Perhaps the same thing goes for women.

 

Now this doesn't mean that all hypocrites or people who say hypocritical things cheat, but personally I've started to see that as a red flag and I encounter the correlation often enough on LS too for it to be a possible concern.

 

I agree with you, to an extent...

 

For instance, there are people who have never cheated, but have been cheated on and thus exhibit certain insecurities, because they were cheated on...

 

I've also witnessed people who are highly confident, who have cheated.

 

Cheaters come in all shapes and sizes.

[EyeAlone]

My exwife did not trust me at all even though I have never cheated in my life. In the end she was the one that cheated. Her reason: Insecurity:laugh:

 

A trait I've noticed in all the guys I know that cheat; They all tend to either be hypocrites or say hypocritical things. Perhaps the same thing goes for women.

 

Now this doesn't mean that all hypocrites or people who say hypocritical things cheat, but personally I've started to see that as a red flag and I encounter the correlation often enough on LS too for it to be a possible concern.

 

Yeah, it's an immature defense mechanism called projection. You're right, Nexus, a lot of people will utilize this when they're having thoughts of cheating. This wiki article goes more into depth about projection and infidelity.

 

This happened to me once with this guy a dated. I was completely blindsided

[Eternal Sunshine]

I struggle with similar issues in my current relationship. Way before I joined LS, like 7 years ago - I was in my longest relationship where I was cheated on with the guy's ex. He ended up leaving me for her (and only then I found out the true extent of his lying and cheating while still with me).

 

I am a sensitive person and it damaged me. My current relationship is healthy from that perspective BUT I still have major trust issues. I do all the things you do. Check his phone all the time while he is in the shower, check his internet use, check his Facebook etc etc... He told me he never had an online dating profile (we met through friends) - but I still entered his info and searched every online dating site there is (found nothing).

 

He plays volleyball once a week in a mixed team with couple of girls and about 4 guys. I go there to "support" him but I really go to keep tabs on how he interacts with the girls

 

He doesn't even know most of it. But I did tell him about my past experience so he is very understanding. He does get impatient every now and then and says: "But I am not him! I keep being punished for another man's mistakes!!".

 

I got no advice for you, just saying I can relate

[kiss_andmakeup]

TA, I completely understand what you're going through. My last relationship really damaged my ability to trust, and while I haven't let it show through (yet) in my current budding relationship, I can tell it's going to eventually be a problem for me in the future (even if I choose to keep it an internal one).

 

I also, FWIW, think that your request that he delete his OKCupid profile was completely valid. As for him making a remark about "Will I have to delete my entire presence on the internet?" That's just silly. It's not like it was just a profile on a social networking site...it was a dating site. People in relationships don't have profiles on dating sites.

[heartshaped]

You are deceiving him. You are going behind his back and going through his things, creating fake profiles, etc. How would you feel if someone was doing the same to you? It's irrational behavior. You are punishing him for something someone else did. In the end, if you can't control this type of behavior the relationship isn't going to work. Relationships cannot survive without trust and it seems he is already getting a bit miffed with your behavior. I think if he did know the full extent of things he would leave you.

 

If and when this relationship ends, take some time to yourself to get your emotions and trust issues sorted. As it is, I don't really know what to tell you to do except stop this destructive behavior, but I don't think you really have control of what you are doing if so you would have stopped after the first time you didn't find anything.

[Eddie Edirol]

So Tigress, in the grand scheme of things, since you CAN trust him, whats it going to take for you to trust him fully, without sneak profiles, and checking his email and phone? What are you going to have to do to trust him fully? How long are you going to wait before you do it? You know your insecurity will chip away at his attraction to you after a while if you keep this up.

[sagetalk]

I don't know how I can not trust him and love him at the same time. If what everyone says about love being impossible with no trust is true, then I must not love him. And this is probably why he is upset. He trusts me. He loves me. He's given me no reason to not do the same and yet I go on like this. It must really hurt and frustrate him.

 

I'm almost certain I have said something like this to you before. I believe the issue is that you do not trust yourself, you do not love yourself, and your fear of cheating is a fear of you cheating on him.

 

A lack of trust makes being in love impossible. But if the issue is that you don't trust or love yourself, then you will never be able to love any man. Whatever reason it is that causes you to lack trust in yourself, destroy it in your mind. It is useless to you, and will hinder you in every relationship no matter how wonderful the guy may be.

[Eddie Edirol]

She sounds so much like my ex wife. She never trusted me, but she was the one that had an affair. She was highly insecure and did not like the fact that I trusted her. She interpreted my trust as a bad thing. She wanted me to be jealous because this validated her. I had never encountered infidelity and had no clue this insecurity made her cheat.

 

Nah Tigress has been forthcoming on this board in her posts. if she was looking at another guy and thinking of acting on it, she would say so, and this would be a completely different thread. She isnt thinking of cheating and doing the hypocritical insecurity game with her bf.

[Fondue]

Wow, man. I can't believe your insecurities are of that caliber.

 

He shown no signs of cheating on you, yet you CHECK UP on him and have thoughts of wanting to snoop through his phone? On top of this, you're almost also rationalizing it by saying you had a bad experience or whatever and that it is warranted.

 

I think there are deeper issues than just him. He is fine. If your relationship fails, it is because you got in the way of it. That's the truth. Not trying to be mean, just trying to show honesty.

[sagetalk]

Nah Tigress has been forthcoming on this board in her posts. if she was looking at another guy and thinking of acting on it, she would say so, and this would be a completely different thread. She isnt thinking of cheating and doing the hypocritical insecurity game with her bf.

 

It has nothing to do with if she is currently thinking of doing it. If she doesn't trust herself, these relationship problems will occur whether she is actually thinking of cheating or not.

[tigressA]

I don't like 'rationalizing' it because I know what I'm doing is unhealthy, and it's unfair to him. I do know that my request to delete his profile even though he had forgotten about it was completely valid, and I told him so. I refused to allow him to make me feel even slightly irrational for that because I'm f*cking tired of that s*it. I dealt with it enough. He understands. He doesn't check himself all the time, but I know he doesn't do it with intention to hurt. When I acknowledge that I feel invalidated he apologizes. It comes through sometimes, mostly because of the age difference (6 years).

 

To be honest I don't even know exactly what I am afraid of. I feel like if he were cheating or intended to then I would just know. I've had that gut feeling before (with my ex, and I denied it), and BF and I live together, so if he were betraying me there would be clear signs that I could pick up on easily. Hmm...(thinking)...if I could pinpoint one thing it would be that I'm afraid of being duped. Even though I had a gut feeling before and it turned out to be correct, I was gaslighted and berated so much that I came to think it must not be true after all. I was outfoxed by someone and I am very afraid of that happening again. It comes back to control. I feel like if I know everything I possibly can, then he can't get one up on me.

[Ghosst]

Ok, take a big breath and relax.

 

Trust takes time, especially if you have been cheated on in the past. You quasi-stalked him to check his honesty on OK Cupid and found he was not going behind your back and continuing to troll for new dates. He sounds like a good guy.

 

Perhaps he acted strangely regarding deleting his profile due to his feeling mistrusted. He should have deleted the profile and you should not have had to ask. You did, and he deleted it so hopefully you can now move on and try to trust him. This was a simple tiny speed bump in your relationship.

 

I hope it all works out for you and he is worthy of your trust

[Eddie Edirol]

I feel like if I know everything I possibly can, then he can't get one up on me.

 

But you DO know everything you can. Right now youre on such high alert he cant fart around you without you knowing it sounds like he ate something different. Anything different he does will give you a red flag. he cant get one over on you, even if you open yourself up to him completely. Youve been through it once, you know what behavior to watch out for, youre on this board all the time, so any words that dont match actions, you will know what it means and what to do.

[leftmeforcali]

amen! GOOD POINT!!! I dated a guy who was equally manipulative, he gave me a hard time and made me look like the bad guy BECAUSE he was cheating.

[tigressA]

But you DO know everything you can. Right now youre on such high alert he cant fart around you without you knowing it sounds like he ate something different. Anything different he does will give you a red flag. he cant get one over on you, even if you open yourself up to him completely. Youve been through it once, you know what behavior to watch out for, youre on this board all the time, so any words that dont match actions, you will know what it means and what to do.

 

Thanks for the laugh. You're definitely right. I do know what to watch out for. Occasionally I wonder if I'm looking in all the wrong places and may not see something that's right in front of me. He knows I've snooped on him once before, so I doubt he would keep anything incriminating on his computer or phone.

 

I hate that I am thinking and talking more like a P.I. than a girlfriend.

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks for the laugh. You're definitely right. I do know what to watch out for. Occasionally I wonder if I'm looking in all the wrong places and may not see something that's right in front of me. He knows I've snooped on him once before, so I doubt he would keep anything incriminating on his computer or phone.

 

I hate that I am thinking and talking more like a P.I. than a girlfriend.

 

Fear and insecurity don't help a relationship get stronger. It just builds walls.

 

Do you consider him to be a trustworthy and honest person? Does his family, friends, and business associates consider him to be trustworthy and honest?

 

If so, then there is no reason to be sneaking around obsessing over him possibly cheating on you. If you are worried he doesn't like you anymore, just tell him something like this:

 

"I like (or love) you a lot, and I want us to be together till we're old people. If though you ever want to be with someone else, please let me know, ok? Honesty and trustworthiness are very important to me, and I am and will be honest and trustworthy to you."

[BetheButterfly]

. It comes back to control. I feel like if I know everything I possibly can, then he can't get one up on me.

 

 

Love is impossible to control. Love = vulnerability, risks... opening oneself up to get hurt, yet hoping for the best.

[SmileFace]

I hate that I am thinking and talking more like a P.I. than a girlfriend.

The question is : How do you stop snooping?

 

It doesn't matter if there is something to be found, this is unfair to him.

It will only backfire if he finds out.

[Eddie Edirol]

Thanks for the laugh. You're definitely right. I do know what to watch out for. Occasionally I wonder if I'm looking in all the wrong places and may not see something that's right in front of me. He knows I've snooped on him once before, so I doubt he would keep anything incriminating on his computer or phone.

 

I hate that I am thinking and talking more like a P.I. than a girlfriend.

 

Yeah, so now you can relax and enjoy his company without being suspicious all the time, until something perks up your radar. So far it sounds like theres nothing to worry about. Your real problem to deal with is the fact that he wants kids. Ugh.

[make me believe]

I don't think that you are ready to be in a relationship. Doing all of this snooping from the very beginning is totally not normal behavior, and tells me that you need some time by yourself to truly get over what your ex did to you. Your BF not deleting his okcupid profile is really weird -- he is in a relationship, why would he think it's ok to have a dating profile up even if he's not using it?? But the bigger problem is that even if he had deleted it without you asking, you STILL would be going through his phone & other stuff. I think it's impossible to build a healthy relationship on this kind of foundation.