I don't trust him.

June 24, 2011

BF had received an email notification a few days back from OKCupid. He said, "Huh, that's new." It had just let him know someone viewed his profile or something. I had gently asked him to just delete his profile and he said he would--he did it today but I had to press him a little harder about it. He said, "I haven't gone on there since we met. I totally forgot about it. Exactly WHY do you absolutely need me to delete it?" I said, "It would just make me feel better...that's all. I deleted mine."

After he deleted it he said, somewhat jokingly, "Are you ever going to trust me? Do I need to delete my entire presence on the internet, hand you my phone every night?" I said, "No, of course not. I know that if someone's going to cheat they're going to find a way regardless." He said, "That's exactly my point, so I don't see why you had to press me so much about this profile stuff." I said, "I deleted mine a long time ago because I liked you enough to not even want to have the option to check anyone else out." He said, "And I liked you enough to completely forget about the site." He also joked that if I could, I wouldn't let him out of the apartment--which ticked me off because I'm not THAT insecure.

I knew he was telling the truth too--because I had created another identity on the site, without any profile content and a different location, browsing anonymously--to keep track of him. I logged in every few weeks or so and there it consistently was, the last date he logged in--a couple days before we first met. I didn't tell him this. I had deleted that "profile" a couple of weeks ago.

I can tell by the way he acts that he's becoming less patient with my behavior, and he doesn't even know the half of it. Since he got a new car he sometimes forgets his phone in it because of the different placement of the storage compartments, and every time I have offered to get it not to be nice, but to be able to snoop through it to see if I can find anything incriminating. I never do. When he was first looking at the car I found out it was owned by a woman and I just went with him to look at the car to make sure nothing untoward would happen. Sheesh. If he knew about my anonymous OKCupid stalking and this, he'd probably dump me, or at least get really upset with me. He asked me why I'm like this and I said, "I'm not used to having healthy relationships. All of them were seriously f*cked up in some way or another." He said, "Well, get used to it." And gave me a kiss.

I feel like I'm deceiving him, in a weird way. Like I said, he doesn't know the half of my insecure behavior. I feel like maybe I should be honest about it so that he knows how bad it is and maybe we can agree to stronger boundaries or something. But on the other hand I wonder if telling him would just make things worse. I rationalize it by saying "I'm not that insecure. I don't tell him he can't go out with his friends or impose a curfew or get in a jealous rage/hours-long depression when he looks at another woman while we're out." I don't know what to do.

Edited June 24, 2011 by tigressA

June 24, 2011

It was only a few months ago that you found out you were being cheated on throughout your then-relationship. That guy made you feel stupid, and sexually undesirable, after you had already made yourself vulnerable.

I think that your fears and behaviors are perfectly understandable, and you're not weird or a ****-up for having those urges.

You may want to consider taking this as an opportunity to open up to your partner about some of your past experiences and why you sometimes feel insecure.

June 24, 2011

I don't know what to do.

in the next life, don't have a string of relationships with manipulative/dishonest/unstable/worthless men.

then you won't be damaged goods when you find one that isn't all of those things.

June 24, 2011

It was only a few months ago that you found out you were being cheated on throughout your then-relationship. That guy made you feel stupid, and sexually undesirable, after you had already made yourself vulnerable.

I think that your fears and behaviors are perfectly understandable, and you're not weird or a ****-up for having those urges.

You may want to consider taking this as an opportunity to open up to your partner about some of your past experiences and why you sometimes feel insecure.

I already told him everything--more than he wanted to know--about my relationship with that douchebag. He got really upset and said if he ever came across him he'd kick his *** because he doesn't understand why someone would want to treat me like that and break my heart. I guess something else BF doesn't understand, or sometimes forgets, is that I'm not exactly over all that yet. He doesn't make me feel bad for acting this way, but I can tell he's losing patience with it. And that's his right. In a way I'm punishing him for another "man's" bad behavior. That can't feel good.

Edited June 24, 2011 by tigressA

June 24, 2011

, "Are you ever going to trust me? Do I need to delete my entire presence on the internet, hand you my phone every night?" I said, "No, of course not. I know that if someone's going to cheat they're going to find a way regardless." He said, "That's exactly my point, so I don't see why you had to press me so much about this profile stuff." I said, "I deleted mine a long time ago because I liked you enough to not even want to have the option to check anyone else out." He said, "And I liked you enough to completely forget about the site." He also joked that if I could, I wouldn't let him out of the apartment--which ticked me off because I'm not THAT insecure.

What the heck is he being so defensive about? I'm not saying he's cheating but really - he should just let it go and not pick on you about it so much. You pressed him about the profile stuff because you're in a relationship - OK Cupid has done its job- now get rid of it and move on. If I'm in a relationship I don't have an issue logging off a site that lets me know every time someone is interested in me.

He shouldn't have given you such a hard time. And that him mocking you over your VALID request is disrespectful.

Edited June 24, 2011 by vsmini

June 24, 2011

What the heck is he being so defensive about? I'm not saying he's cheating but really - he should just let it go and not pick on you about it so much. You pressed him about the profile stuff because you're in a relationship - OK Cupid has done it's job- now get rid of it and move on. If I'm in a relationship I don't have an issue logging off a site that lets me know every time someone is interested in me.

He shouldn't have given you such a hard time. And that him mocking you over your VALID request is disrespectful.

Yeah, I told him all that. I said, "I don't know what you're being so defensive about. If anything you're making yourself look even more suspicious!" That was when he got the cue to just shut up and delete it already. I could see where he was coming from, though--and like I said in the original post, he had been telling the truth. Due to my anonymous tracking I knew he had not been on the site since we met. He basically had forgotten about it. If I hadn't tracked him, I likely would've dumped him for acting the way he did due to my lack of trust in him. I would've assumed he had been cheating or intended to cheat.

June 24, 2011

In summary then:

1) You don't trust him.

2) You have behaviors that show you don't trust him.

3) He knows you don't trust him.

4) This situation is getting uncomfortable for both of you.

What do you want to see happen next?

June 24, 2011

I already told him everything--more than he wanted to know--about my relationship with that douchebag. He got really upset and said if he ever came across him he'd kick his *** because he doesn't understand why someone would want to treat me like that and break my heart. I guess something else BF doesn't understand, or sometimes forgets, is that I'm not exactly over all that yet. He doesn't make me feel bad for acting this way, but I can tell he's losing patience with it. And that's his right. In a way I'm punishing him for another "man's" bad behavior. That can't feel good.

here's a word of advice that few women follow, but will work.

next time, don't tell him about your past relationships in such detail. tell him they didn't work and that's all there is to it, and tell him you don't want to know about his in detail either.

then work on being the person you want to be instead of the person you currently are, rather than trying to force your current man into the bad pigeon hole you've set aside for the other mistakes you've been with.

your problem is you are not the good long term girlfriend that you want to be. you are still the girl who winds up with the jackass who picked you up at the bar.

if you want to be different, YOU have to be different. setting up boundaries for him that appease your misplaced insecurity won't help YOU change.

June 24, 2011

In summary then:

1) You don't trust him.
2) You have behaviors that show you don't trust him.
3) He knows you don't trust him.
4) This situation is getting uncomfortable for both of you.

What do you want to see happen next?

I know I want things to get better. I don't want the relationship to end.

I just had the thought that even though rationally I know BF isn't deliberately making me feel bad/unreasonable about my behavior, I feel like he is because the last time around it was routine to have my feelings invalidated and described as stupid, crazy, irrational, etc. BF doesn't do that, but anything he says or does that is a defense of his own reasoning/questioning of mine automatically puts ME into defensive mode because the last time I had my thoughts and feelings questioned and invalidated to any degree, I was in an abusive relationship. I'm taking the other extreme of making sure that I am heard and he better listen to me and do everything I ask him to without question and think I'm right or I'm gone because I'm NOT being unreasonable. My every need and want in my last relationship went either ignored or was flogged to death, made to seem out of this world ridiculous until I didn't bother to acknowledge them anymore.

June 24, 2011

Have you gotten a job yet?

June 24, 2011

I knew he was telling the truth too--because I had created another identity on the site, without any profile content and a different location, browsing anonymously--to keep track of him. I logged in every few weeks or so and there it consistently was, the last date he logged in--a couple days before we first met. I didn't tell him this. I had deleted that "profile" a couple of weeks ago.

Wow... really? Sounds like you didn't trust him from the start.

Everyone gets hurt at some point, well at least the vast majority of us do. It's reason to maybe be a little bit more careful, but what you did quoted above is straight up paranoia.

Relationships where one partner does stuff like this simply cannot function. You need to relax or it's going to end, plain and simple. I'm sorry that you have been hurt in the past, no one deserves to be treated that way, but you're headed down a very bad road.

If he knew about my anonymous OKCupid stalking and this, he'd probably dump me

Yes, he would, and I would too if I were him.

Also, if I had to guess about why he teases you, it's because he's trying to get you to see that you're being irrational.

Edited June 24, 2011 by molimo140

June 24, 2011

next time, don't tell him about your past relationships in such detail. tell him they didn't work and that's all there is to it,

I strongly disagree with this. Example:

Situation 1 (without background information of past relationships):

Jessica loses it when her boyfriend Thomas gives her informative instructions on how to do/accomplish something. She feels that he tries to control her and that he tries to establish authority over her by telling her what to do. She starts screaming, crying and calls him names.

Thomas thinks. The f*ck with that, I'm going to dump this crazy psycho b*tch ASAP, as she's not capable of basic rational thought and wrongfully assumes things that are not there. She stresses me out and I don't need this sh*t.

Thomas breaks up with Jessica.

Situation 2 (with background information of past relationship):

Siutation 2 is the same as situation 1, with the difference that Jessica explained beforehand or afterwards that her previous boyfriend was controlling and violent.

Thomas now thinks. She's projecting the behavior of her past boyfriends on me. I can set that straight by telling her and showing her that I'm not like that and that she has the wrong idea about me when she projects their behavior on me.

Thomas now sees the cause for Jessica's behavior and no longer deems it completely irrational. Irrational yes, but understandable from a compassionate point of view.

Thomas and Jessica are still together.

Not giving an explanation for why a person acts the way he/she act when they portray negative behavior is pretty much a death stab to that person's image in the eyes of others. They will be viewed as irrational, crazy, an unguided missile, etc. People tend to avoid those who they think are nuts and who cause stress without an obvious reason. Negative behavior looks batsh*t insane when there's no explanation provided for said behavior.

June 24, 2011

Wow... really? Sounds like you didn't trust him from the start.

Everyone gets hurt at some point, well at least the vast majority of us do. It's reason to maybe be a little bit more careful, but what you did quoted above is straight up paranoia.

Relationships where one partner does stuff like this simply cannot function. You need to relax or it's going to end, plain and simple. I'm sorry that you have been hurt in the past, no one deserves to be treated that way, but you're headed down a very bad road.

Yes, he would, and I would too if I were him.

Also, if I had to guess about why he teases you, it's because he's trying to get you to see that you're being irrational.

You really think he would break up with me if he knew? Wow, that doesn't make sense given I myself said he probably would...I actually really don't know if he would or not. So far he's been much more accommodating than I would expect any other guy to be. He knows I went through every single one of his email folders as well as his internet history a few months ago; I had told him about that. He was upset that I didn't trust him but he understood why I did it.

Our relationship overall, despite this stuff that still pops up, is great--the best I've had. Maybe I should keep the dating-site stalking a secret, then.

June 24, 2011

I think you need to relax more in relationships and let things flow naturally.

It seems you jump into one full steam and everything becomes intense to the point where a small bump in the road becomes a giant sinkhole where your behaviour becomes erratic.

You're going to sabotage every relationship you get into because of this or the lack of trust you have in men you date.

Has he given you valid reasons not to trust him?

June 24, 2011

You really think he would break up with me if he knew? Wow, that doesn't make sense given I myself said he probably would...I actually really don't know if he would or not. So far he's been much more accommodating than I would expect any other guy to be. He knows I went through every single one of his email folders as well as his internet history a few months ago; I had told him about that. He was upset that I didn't trust him but he understood why I did it.

Our relationship overall, despite this stuff that still pops up, is great--the best I've had. Maybe I should keep the dating-site stalking a secret, then.

Why did he understand why you went through his stuff? Did he do something that left you untrusting?

June 24, 2011

Why did he understand why you went through his stuff? Did he do something that left you untrusting?

No. I had explained what happened in my last relationship (verbal/emotional abuse, gaslighting, cheating) and then he understood why I had done it.

He hasn't given me any reason to not trust him, which makes me come off even crazier, I know. He loves me, but he doesn't know the extent of my insecurity/paranoia. I don't know if he would still love me or want to be with me if he did know. I don't know if he should know.

June 24, 2011

No. I had explained what happened in my last relationship (verbal/emotional abuse, gaslighting, cheating) and then he understood why I had done it.

He hasn't given me any reason to not trust him, which makes me come off even crazier, I know. He loves me, but he doesn't know the extent of my insecurity/paranoia. I don't know if he would still love me or want to be with me if he did know. I don't know if he should know.

I would say for the sake of the relationship, leave that out. But I think you also need to address the deeper issue here, your mistrust that causes you to this stuff

Have you ever thought about talking to a counsellor about the insecurities? It might help flesh out some of the triggers and how to work through them so as not to engage in destructive stuff.

June 24, 2011

I have seriously looked into counselling/therapy but it's unfortunately not feasible at this time. Once it is I'm definitely going to get some help as I do need it. In the meantime I just really need to relax.

June 24, 2011

Tigress, I am sorry you are having difficulty trusting your boyfriend....

It only takes one bad experience, that can result in a lifetime of damage. That is of course, if you don't put forth the time and effort to work on the mistrust, to resolve it. Even then, there are no guarantees that you'll be able to fully trust someone again. But, it can help minimize reactions and generate rational thoughts versus allowing irrational thoughts to take over.

Your boyfriend appears to be very understanding and patient with you. Being cheated on is awful. But, what is also awful, is being with someone you love who loves you back, but they still mistrust you...Not a good feeling for the innocent partner to have.

Say your boyfriend does cheat on you down the road. What will your first thoughts be? Will you rationalize it because you had mistrust towards him all along? Kind of like...a...self fulfilling prophecy?

I would also like to add, that putting a tracker on someone, who from what you've written about him, hasn't exhibited any behavior that would indicate he's cheating on you. Unless there are other things you are not telling us about him, that tracker you placed, was not a result of anything he has done to you while in this relationship with you. I would feel betrayed if someone did that to me behind my back, "just because".

June 24, 2011

I don't know how I can not trust him and love him at the same time. If what everyone says about love being impossible with no trust is true, then I must not love him. And this is probably why he is upset. He trusts me. He loves me. He's given me no reason to not do the same and yet I go on like this. It must really hurt and frustrate him.

June 24, 2011

I would also like to add, that putting a tracker on someone, who from what you've written about him, hasn't exhibited any behavior that would indicate he's cheating on you. Unless there are other things you are not telling us about him, that tracker you placed, was not a result of anything he has done to you while in this relationship with you. I would feel betrayed if someone did that to me behind my back, "just because".

To clarify: I didn't put an overall tracker on him, like on his phone or computer or anything. I created an 'anonymous' alias on the dating site we met on (OKCupid), with no profile content and an out-of-state location. I browsed anonymously so he couldn't see someone was visiting his profile. I did this only to see if he ever still logged into the site, but he hadn't since we first met. I deleted that anonymous profile a couple weeks ago.

June 24, 2011

Hey Tigress. Somehow I knew you didn't trust him. Your threads kind of gave me that weird-ass vibe out of nowhere, so I've been kind of staying away so's not to jinx or put thoughts into your mind, if that vibe was false.

I agree with welike. Getting over being cheated on can take awhile and for some, never.

But his refusal to delete his dating profile is strange and worth keeping an eye on. What came first? The phone checking or noticing the non-deletion of dating profile?

June 24, 2011

My exwife did not trust me at all even though I have never cheated in my life. In the end she was the one that cheated. Her reason: Insecurity:laugh:

Pierre, that is EXACTLY, what happened to me...

June 24, 2011

I don't know how I can not trust him and love him at the same time. If what everyone says about love being impossible with no trust is true, then I must not love him. And this is probably why he is upset. He trusts me. He loves me. He's given me no reason to not do the same and yet I go on like this. It must really hurt and frustrate him.

I don't believe this is true. It's factually incorrect. There are lots of people who love people they don't trust. However, trust has to be there if you're going to have a chance of a healthy, long term relationship. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I don't have much to add but hope you work it out.

June 24, 2011

I understand exactly how you feel. I am seeing this guy ( log off so he doesn't know I am checking) and it says online now or when he was online and I get very jealous. I guess it's natural to be jealous just a bit.

Sign In

I don't trust him.

Recommended Posts

tigressA

welikeincrowds

thatone

tigressA

vsmini

tigressA

Ms. Joolie

thatone

tigressA

iJester

molimo140

Nexus One

tigressA

northstar1

northstar1

tigressA

northstar1

tigressA

snug.bunny

tigressA

tigressA

threebyfate

snug.bunny

denise_xo

NicoleM

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...