Clubman35 Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 First, thank you for all the replies to my other posts... it really helps to get opinions from others who are or were in a similar situation. Why? Why do I have such a hard time keeping my big mouth shut? I just get so frustrated some times.... My wife has moved out and left myself and my son to sort it all out. He's only 13 and is so confused by the whole situation. She has made very little attend to spend any time with him in during the 2 weeks that she's been gone. Maybe 2 hours total. This is the time that he needs us.... I'm not sure how to answer all of his questions. "When is Mom coming home?", "Am I going to have to move", "What's going to happen to the dogs?". Yesterday, I had it. I had talked to her early in the day about her calling our mortgage company to explain to them that she had left the home and had no intentions on continuing to pay. I had talked to them 10 days earlier when I received a phone call from them telling me that the mortgage was nearly $7000.00 behind. She handled all the paying of the bills, and I had no idea. I explained the situation to them, and informed them that my only source of income at this time is my unemployment benefits (after being with the same company for 22+ years... Thanks, Michigan economy!). They said that there would be a better chance of them working with me if she called them too. Anyways, she also said to me that she would call and talk to our son later in the day.... Never happened. I waited until 10PM.... nothing. So, I sent her a text. Seems she couldn't find the time to say hello to him, she must have been too busy planning her night out. I said some pretty mean things to her.... some justified, others that even she probably didn't deserve. I do want to keep this marriage, and we are scheduled to see a MC, but in the meantime, I'm really having a difficult time keeping my mouth shut. I know it's only hurting any chances of fixing our marriage when I say these things, but I just can't help it. I can only take so much before I snap. Any suggestions or advice on how you manage to keep your cool during times like these?
Yasuandio Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) I know what it is like to be a motor mouth, some of my meds cause this verbal overfuntioning. I even talk to myself. You first are trying to communicate, but emotion gets involved and you lose control of what's coming out of your mouth. Further, your wife knows particular things to say to push you buttons, and you can't help yourself but to lash back. The WORST thing that can happen to you is that you will say the wrong thing -- or EVEN WORSE, diviluge information you should keep to yourself (such as things you are learning covertly about her conduct or finances). I call this "Showing Your Badge." There are a few I have found to untangle myself, or prevent the situation from occuring in the first place. 1. Do not speak to the person at all. 2. Broken Record. If you have info to give, put it in one brief sentence or statement. For example: I will no longer drive Mike to school in the morning. I will only pick up from school in the afternoon and bring him home." "I am willing to switch shedules on a weekly basis if you wish." Here you see several statements that amount to the same thing. With some practice, you can do this off the top of your head. Only have a single purpose for each mini discussion. The topic will remain unchanged, because nothing will come out of your mouth but a variant of the above statement. This is called "The Broken Record" technique. You do it slow, and easy, more and more monotone the longer it takes. Be sure to allow time for an answer. Let her say everything she wants to say, when she finished, make your state again. Don't get on any other subject, period. Follows, is a simple "Broken Record question, where the background info is already stated: "I will no longer drive morning and afternoon school shifts." which do you prefer, morning or afternoon?" After you say the sentence once or twice, back it down to "morning or afternoon, which is your preference" -- then give ample time for a response. Repeat till you get the info you need. Use this technique judiciously, as it can really piss some people off, especially when they have a completely different agenda. 3. Put your question or inquiry in writing, and copy it to a councilor or attorney, or someone. Maybe the forum has ideas. It can't just be anyone, because this is private business. 4. Email will always leave a paper trail. When you compose your email, DO NOT send it for 24 hours. Gone it down as simple as possible. Make sure it could be on the front page of the newspaper. Don't make any threats. Avoid as many clear cut statements as possible: It could mean.... This may be the.... I'm really not sure, but Might, could, may, should be, I would think, I believe, if memory serves me.... You get the picture? NOW, you gotta worry about the questions she asks you, or convos she attempts to engage you in. Always try to deterimine "what is the business at hand.". If you don't know, turn your head like a baboon, and respond, "I don't get what you're saying. What do you need from me? How can I help you?" Talk to her like she's a blind mute looking for tomatoe paste in the battery department at the grocery store. OK, DIRECT CLEAR QUESTIONS you don't wanna answer right now if at all. Possible responses: A. Can we talk about this later? B. We can discuss that issue in MC. C. I need to think about that. I'll get back to you. D. I am not comfortable with that at all. E. That will not work for me. I will bring an alternate proposal to the table tomorrow blah blah. DO NOT EVER say anything mean or ugly again. No sacasm, except under your breath. Be sacerine sweet. You are trying for your life to WIN "Nicest Guy in the Entire Universe" award. If you do not win this award, your blood will turn into anti-freeze. Dude, you gotta be sweet as sugar, the alternative is not pretty. Have a nice day! Edited June 24, 2011 by Yasuandio
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