Fiancee Ended 8 Year Relationship After 4 Month Break. Devastated.

[joostay]

Hello everyone. I'm hoping some of you will take the time to read my post and offer some advice. One boarder in particular has helped me immensely over the last few months and I'm so grateful for any help I receive.

 

As I type this I feel like I am in the depths of hell. My fiancee and girlfriend of 8 years fully ended our relationship 2 days ago after 4 months of limbo. During that time I gave her space, acted in the best possible way and bettered myself. I couldn't have acted any better. But it wasn't enough, she says she doesn't love me anymore. She gave me so much hope, so many positive signals during the break, buying me birthday presents a few weeks ago, hugs, kisses everything. But she says that it's over with no chance of us ever getting back together.

 

I adopted NC but I'm worried that pushed her away. I'm probably wrong though. After clinging on to hope for so long it feels as if I have nothing. We own a house together but will have to rent it because it has lost value and will be difficult to sell. It means I'll have to move back in with my parents and it's a massive backwards step, one I can't find the energy to get out of. It seems like I've gone from having a future, a house, a fiancee to having nothing. I turned 30 a few weeks ago.

 

I asked her to say the words "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be with you" because I felt I wouldn't fully believe it unless she said it. She said it to me straight, that she doesn't love me anymore or want to be with me. She took down her engaged status on facebook. It seems as final as it's going to be.

 

Despite this though, I'm clinging on to some irrational hope that she will change her mind. I feel that now it's over I have nothing to lose and I should try fighting for her, but everyone is telling me to just accept it.

 

What is my best course of action now? What am I going to do? I'm losing weight, anxious, an utter mess. I can't stop crying. It feels like my life is over.

 

Any help or support I can get right now I will be so grateful for.

 

........

 

For reference, here is the background behind my story. I basically was unsure about having children and over time I unintentionally pushed her away. What stings the most is that I now want a family with her more than anything, I'm now ready, but she says it's too late. http://www.relationshiptalk.net/my-ex-started-to-miss- me-after-almost-4-weeks-of-no-contact-now-shes-no- longer-contacting-me.-5246124.html#27

[dreamscape123]

Well, What can anyone say, but we are sorry to hear about your situation and what you are going through.... Remember , you are not alone with these thoughts and feelings, and knowing you are not alone certainly helped / is helping me....

 

A lot of advice given on here is NC... maintain NC !!! To an extent i do agree with this... It is to help to give you time to start to heal, find self worth again, to allow you time to think about you..... But when you love someone so much it is very hard to stick with, and depending what you want from your ex, can also after a time become counter productive after time..... I personally think you need to find the balance ... 8 years is a seriously long relationship, and owning a house together brings new dimentions to the situation....

 

What ever you do , remember , you are not alone, there are a lot of very like minded people on this forum, and it has helped me no end just to share my problems and talk to people on here....... Good luck

[joostay]

Thank you...

 

During the 4 month break (limited contact as well as periods of NC) I was a mess at the start but then I started to come round again and was eating/sleeping/socialising a bit towards the end. I think that's because I was sure that she was going to come back to me. NC was difficult but I always knew I was just giving her space and that I would speak to her again eventually. This time around, it feels like it's gonna be 50 times harder becuase it's No Contact: FOREVER. I've talked to this girl every day for 8 years, she's my best friend, how can I just switch off like that!??

 

Everyone thought she was going to come back to me. She really must not want to be with me, because she is 32 and wants kids. I'm offering her that but she'd rather throw away our house and relationship and try and find someone new. That's a gamble. What if she doesn't find someone? I feel like I'm ruined my own life and ruined hers as well by not embracing the idea of kids, but at 27/28 I felt I was too young to give a definite answer. She is 2 years older than me and I understand the whole biological clock. I just wish I could turn back time and say I wanted kids and was excited by the prospect. She says she's missed out on the whole period of "looking forward to having them" and wants someone who is eager to ahev them from the start. The thing is, not everyone has an ingrained way of thinking. I didn't really consider the idea of kids in the past but now I have come round. I DO want them but she says it's too late. How crushing and ironic is that??

 

I just see her everywhere. EVERYTHING reminds me of her. I dreamt of her sleeping with other men last night and when I woke up the pain came flooding back. I just want it all to go away.

[samibwfc]

Hey so sorry to hear! This happened to me a while back and the ultimate reason which i found out was that my ex wanted to be like all hs mates and jump from girl to girl. I was so ill when we split, id just loast a baby too! He just didnt seem to care anymore just like i hadnt known him at all for all the years! Anyway it took me akes to get over him and a wise old woman said to me "Dont waste your time dwelling on the past, because one day youll be old like me and will regret not doing things with your life!"

I took her advice and started living, not being a ho (I put men to the back of my mind really) I enjoyed my friends and family. We did eventually get back together but now the trust is lost and im trying to get out

[joostay]

I know everyone is different, but what kind of timeframe to heal are you looking at when a relationship of 8 years ends? I've heard that it's about a month per year you are together?

[dreamscape123]

The time it takes to heal is different for every individual... My ex ended it with me about a month ago now, we were together about 19 months. You know what, I get good days and bad days..... I know what you mean when you say everything reminds you of her... I have litterally just moved albums of our photos onto my external hard drive of my computer, and made it a hidden file , so i cant just stumble upton them and upset myself... Whilst moving them, i had a look at a few. Ok it was not 8 years, but we were still so close, i thought unseperable..... I looked and thought, Has she really forgotten how happy we were ??? WTF happened ???? Its a shock, and you never think it could ever happen... I guess you are in shock right now.... It hurts like hell, but what i am trying to say is.... It sucks big time, but there are people here who do understand and feel the same as you do right now..... Knowing that has helped me big time....

 

"samibwfc" said a good quote there too , about not dwelling on the past, because one day you will be old and regret not doing things..... Very true, hard as that is to see right now..... Something i need to think about too if i am honest......

[joostay]

This sounds like it's your first serious relationship. Is it?

 

Hmmm I guess so. What makes you think it was my first relationship?

 

• I just turned 30, so I've been going out with this girl since I was 22.
  
• Before that, I had a relationship for 2.5 years between the age of 19-21. This was serious but nothing like the one that has just ended.
  
• Before that, when I was 18, I was seeing a girl for 6 months, not serious.
  

 

So I've basically been in a relationship all my life. I've never really been single and it scares the **** out of me.

[fetish]

joostay i feel your pain.

 

My ex and i ended things 4.5 months ago after 8 years together. I'm your same age. She got g.i.g.s. and wanted to hang out with friends, gamble, do what she wanted. She moved out of our apartment and it was hell for me. I went through gut wrenching pain. I'm still at the apartment and finishing up my last 2 months lease.

 

Now, she's contacted me saying she wants to get back together. Except, i'm now at the point where i don't want to share my life with anyone, especially her. She's so humble now but she was plain evil when we broke up. She can't just be in and out of my life. No matter how much i love her, i can't allow her control of my life anymore. It's my time now

 

I agree with Lil_Ch00b.2, being single can be a great thing. We're still young enough, attractive enough and can enjoy life and focus on ourselves. Yes, i know it scares you to be single again, but its temporary. Read some self help books, get spiritual, and do the things you love, keep a positive attitude, and use loveshack for support. I promise it will get better.

[brokendreamz]

Hey - Sorry to hear your story.

 

My ex fiancé dumped me in January so I'm about 5.5 months out. We too had a house to sell which should complete next week so I can finally go no contact.

 

I won't lie to you - when she left, I thought my world had ended, honestly the worst pain I'd ever experienced! I wound up going to therapy and on anti depressants which I still take.

 

It does get easier. I still think about her way too much and love her more that I thought possible but after getting help, joining the gym, reading every self help book I could get my hand on, got a second job and enrolled on an adult learning course to keep busy and leaning on friends I am in a way better place and probably most importantly I know I'll be ok in time.

 

It's a horrible ride mate, but if you can focus on yourself and make you the best person you can be, when the pain isn't quite so intense you will realise that it iwill all be ok in the end..

 

This too shall pass

[joostay]

Thanks for replying guys and sorry to haer about all the **** you have to go through too...

 

Lil_Ch00b.2

 

Haha man I wish I had your outlook, things would be so much easier! Maybe in time I'll get that don't give a sh't attitude.

 

fetish

 

Yeah I'd be 4 months healed by now if it wasn't for that ****ing 'break' that did no good. This is basically day 2 of the breakup now and I'm right back at the beginning again, losing weight, low self esteem, the works...

 

brokendreamz

 

Yup. The pain is unimaginable. I feel like my world is ending right now actually. I had no idea what it felt like to be in this situation. You truly can't offer advice or understand what it's like until you've been through it yourself. I went to the doctor myself and was offered anti depressants. I turned them down, but they are there for me if I need them. He put me on anti-anxiety tablets though (beta blockers) to slow my heart rate down and stop me freaking out.

 

When it came to selling the house, what did you do? Did you both live in it after you had split up or move out? We're taking it month about at the minute, living at our parents house when we're not in it. I think we'll have to rent it out because it'll be in negative equity now and we couldn't sell it.

 

How am I supposed to get over this breakup if the house is always going to be an issue? If we can't sell it it will always be there and a reminder of the past. Plus if we are dual landlords we'll have to deal with problems together in the future when they arise. It's a bad ****ing situation.

 

One last thing, when you were told it was over (definitely over) did you accept it or try and fight to win her back. How long before you gave up hope that it was finished?

[dreamscape123]

brokendreamz

 

Yup. The pain is unimaginable. I feel like my world is ending right now actually. I had no idea what it felt like to be in this situation. You truly can't offer advice or understand what it's like until you've been through it yourself.

 

 

 

One last thing, when you were told it was over (definitely over) did you accept it or try and fight to win her back. How long before you gave up hope that it was finished?

 

 

I know how hard the pain is, trust me..... and i know what it is like to always cling onto hope......

[brokendreamz]

Joostay.

 

She left that night and stayed at her mums. She has been back to the house twice in almost 6 months!

 

I however stayed for a month, not believing it was truly the end. I spent a month in abject pain, surrounded by memories etc.

 

I then moved to my parents where I still am.

 

It took me 2 months to finally start taking the anti depressants - I really didn't want to go down that route, but to be honest along with therapy they have been a godsend. I really don't think I'd be where I am now with out them. FYI they took 2 months to truly kick in.

 

I'd suggest at least marketing the house to see if you can get it gone. Or see if you can live with a small loss. Obviously I don't know your situation and how much negative equity you're talking, but if it's an amount that wouldn't ruin you, I'd suggest taking the hit. If not and neither of you can afford to buy each other out then use a letting agent so you don't have to have too much to do with each other - you'd be dealing through a third party.

 

With regards to your last question, I chased her for 2 months, low contact for a month then found out she was with someone else - a work colleague! It wasn't until then that I knew it was defo over. Although I still hope she'll come back!! It's ****ing crazy. I don't think I could take her back now. After finding she's hooked up with this guy, I have a LOT of questions that I don't want to know the answer to!!

 

Once the house is sold I will make no contact a way of life.

 

She completely ruined me, I was totally devastated, lost two stone, my house, my self respect and nearly my job (I have a boss who has been through similar so I'm lucky on that one. He's been great).

 

There has been a plus to all this **** however... I am a stronger, more grown up and better human being for it. I know I'll find another and I will do things differently when that eventually happens.

 

It'd be good to keep in touch via these forums, feel free to pm me if you want to chat.

 

Cheers.

[joostay]

Thank you everyone once again for the replies.

 

The weightloss thing for me is a big issue as I've always been paranoid about it. I was only 148lb before the break 4 months ago. Since then I've dropped to 138lb and I really can't afford to lose any more. But I have no appetite and I'm nervous all the time, you know what it's like.

 

I understand the reasons why she left. But I'm completely heartbroken and bitterly disappointed that she isn't willing to try one more time and make us work. LOVE TAKES EFFORT! She says she tried to make her voice heard about the problems during the relationship but either I wasn't listening or she wasn't vocal enough about it. Despite that though, during the 4 month break I TRIED SO ****ING HARD to better myself, save our relationship and make her happy. That is all I want to do: make her happy, but with me in her life. But by this stage the relationship meant so little to her that she didn't even want to try saving it.

 

brokendreamz, I'd love to PM you but I don't know how or I can't because I'm a new member. My email is jarpunk [at] hot mail com if you're willing to email me. I'm glad that you're a stronger person because of all this. Right now I am the weakest I have ever been. She was my rock, and I always knew if something went wrong she'd always be there for me. Now I'm on my own and I'm terrified.

[dreamscape123]

joostay - you are not on your own my friend, we are all here and Are going / have gone through the same thing.... Thats what we are all here for, so you dont need to face it all alone... face it with like minded people ie.. us

[joostay]

We were on a break for 4 months and I had terrible anxiety but now this is the real thing: it's over.

 

I'm only on Day 3, so I know I have an epic and horrible journey ahead of me. I know it will be years before I'm healed but in the short term when will I start to focus and thinking rationally again? Maybe in a few weeks? At the minute everything is hazy, it feels like I'm in a dream, nothing's real, i don't even know what day it is. I'm determined to not go on meds.

[brokenheart2012]

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm going through the same exact hell right now after my fiancee broke our engagement this past Monday night. There's no worse feeling in the world....this is the worst I've been through. I don't want to eat, can't concentrate, I'm not interested in doing anything or seeing anyone. I'm a complete mess. So I guess at least you're not alone.

[joostay]

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm going through the same exact hell right now after my fiancee broke our engagement this past Monday night. There's no worse feeling in the world....this is the worst I've been through. I don't want to eat, can't concentrate, I'm not interested in doing anything or seeing anyone. I'm a complete mess. So I guess at least you're not alone.

 

Life ****ing sucks sometimes man, doesn't it? I sometimes feel am I even doing the right thing posting on this forum as it may be just picking at emotional scabs. But it's good to vent. And it's good (as much as it's sh't) to know others are also going through it. I have some amazing friends and they are offering great advice, but it's going in one ear and out the other at the moment. Nothing's of comfort, as you know. We;ll get through this, as much as I don't even believe my own words at the minute.

[dreamscape123]

Thing is, your in shock at the moment. That takes a week or so to pass.... Once you get over the initial shock, then things start to get easier... very slowley, but trust me, they do... Its a massive change in your life, and that takes time to get used to. I am just over a month from when my ex g/f broke it off with me, and about 9 days since we last had contact... i am over the initial shock, and the first thoughts about her being with someone else, but i still feel like complete crap...... It takes a long time to realise it is really over, but one you start to accept that, things start to move forward. Its hard to believe that will happen right now, but trust me... it will....... It wont be an instant fix, that is the bit that really sucks...... Like i say, i still feel real bad.... but much better than i did 2 or 3 weeks ago !!! and i never thought i would ever heal again....

[joostay]

i still feel real bad.... but much better than i did 2 or 3 weeks ago !!! and i never thought i would ever heal again....

 

It's good to know that in a few weeks I'll be slightly better than I am now, but I'm sorry you still feel sh't... A few of my friends went through breakups in the past but I never realised what they were going through until now, it's incredibly difficult, I can't imagine anything being like this, apart from if one of my parents passed away. I miss her so much, and the urge to text her goodnight and that I love her is almost overwhelming. But I need to be strong.

 

It takes a long time to realise it is really over, but one you start to accept that, things start to move forward.

 

I don't know if I'll ever accept it. I keep waiting on a phonecall that she's changed her mind, made a mistake. I think the only thing that would make me think it's fully over is if she was with someone else, and even typing those words has me shaking. I can't even begin to think of her with someone else in the future.

 

Feel free to post anything you want in this thread, I'm gonna write/vent in it now and again when I'm feeling sh'tty.

Edited June 25, 2011 by joostay

[EgoJoe]

That phonecall is not going to come: KILL YOUR HOPE.

 

Be at peace now. You are going to be stronger and healthier everyday.

[dreamscape123]

 

 

I don't know if I'll ever accept it. I keep waiting on a phonecall that she's changed her mind, made a mistake. I think the only thing that would make me think it's fully over is if she was with someone else, and even typing those words has me shaking. I can't even begin to think of her with someone else in the future.

 

Feel free to post anything you want in this thread, I'm gonna write/vent in it now and again when I'm feeling sh'tty.

 

 

I completetly understand how you are still holding onto hope here, and in a way i still do too in my situation.... But you do need to prepare yourself that she will not call. I understand how you also want to send a text telling her how you feel... She already knows mate. and i do advise against this...

 

1) It could push her away further

 

2) If you dont get a reply, you will feel even worse.... Trust me on that... You will start inbox watching, and its not healthy... That i can promise you from my experience here....

 

In my situation, my ex went off with another guy within a week of finishing with me... Most painful thing i have been through, and the thought of her with someone else made me feel sick. Kept thinking how it was me with her and still should be now, and now some other guy has her in his arms.... But that is what was really happening, and nothing I said or did changed things.... Its really crappy , but only time will heal you..

[joostay]

 

In my situation, my ex went off with another guy within a week of finishing with me... Most painful thing i have been through, and the thought of her with someone else made me feel sick. Kept thinking how it was me with her and still should be now, and now some other guy has her in his arms.... But that is what was really happening, and nothing I said or did changed things....

 

Jesus. I'm sorry. The pain I'm in now could only be heightened if that exact thing happened. I don't know how you dealt with that.

[Movingthrough]

Cant read your original post, but it if makes you feel any better (and im sure most will agree), NC did not push her away. NC while it can do certain things, is not magic, if her head was set on getting out then thats it, no amount of anything would change it. While i know you feel horrible, there is another side to it and in some ways you are blessed (i know i know let me explain). Because of an engagement, how easy would it have been for her to just keep it going and push all those thoughts aside. Can you honestly imagine marrying her if she didnt really want to? Like with my ex, its either go through the pain now, or when you have a house, kids, and rings.

 

I had a talk about this the other day with a friend, and while its hard to see, she actually did you a favor. The minute that negative feeling (for whatever reason) seeped into her, you had two choices, either its done now or done later, and later involves already settled down.

 

All you can do is look back and say that you wont let it happen again, there were probably things you saw that you pushed away thinking it wouldnt do anything, so just learn from it.

[fetish]

joostay,

 

i wish i could say words to take away your pain, and i wish i could say that you will be completely healed 4, 5, 6 weeks from now. But it does get start to get easier. The intensity of the pain is probably worse in the first 1 or 2 months, but it starts to wane slowly. It's been 4 1/2 months, almost 5 since my breakup and i'm still hurting, but its not nearly as bad as it was initially.

[mtd4249]

JOOSTAY --your story has so much in common with mine (except I was with my ex for 16 years). I'm 41 and she is 36. We own(ed) a house together, we were on the verge of starting a family this year, she folded on the relationship without a thought of making it work and with no real reason. She walked out on me suddenly 5 months ago, went to another city where her family is and basically never returned. Like you, I see reminders of her everywhere -- "ghosts" of her - especially in the house we both built 3 years ago. For quite some time, I lost my appetite, wasn't eating properly and losing weight. For a while after she left, I chased her hard - even after I found out she had a phone sex fling with some guy she met in the first week she was away. I sent her flowers, a necklace and even a love poem ... it just drove her away even faster (she told me I was trying to manipulate her with gifts!) and it made me seem desperate. And, admittedly, I was ... she was my partner and my best friend .. like you, she was everything I knew and felt comfortable with, she was my life and I was fighting for it. In the end, however, I knew it was getting me nowhere and as hard as it is to do I had to cut the ties. Now (as the 6 month mark approaches since she left and after nearly 3 months of NC), she he making contact telling me she will always care and asking for photos of the two dogs we raised from pups. Everything you are feeling and thinking, is normal .... it's exactly what I went through and still going through. Don't worry too much about the house and financial issues just yet ... you or her could always buy the other person out in order to get a clean break. Most important is that you don't let your health slide too far ... if you're losing weight, it's a clear indication that this is impacting on you physically.

You mentioned that your ex is 32 -- mine is 36 and told me she was leaving the day after her 36th birthday. She, like your ex, wanted to have kids and as you point out it's a gamble to leave a long-term relationship to start all over again. It's become clear from my ex's behaviour that she is suffering from a major midlife crisis meltdown -- maybe that's what has happened to your ex too? If it is a midlife crisis, it won't be permanent - they eventually snap back to reality .... but, either way, if your ex has left a good relationship for no real reason, there's a good chance she will realize she made a mistake and that the grass isn't so green on the other side. But, you can't hang around holding on to (false) hope and, unfortunately, usually by the time they come to their senses it's too late and you have moved on. Keep in touch .... because we're in much the same situation.