G.i.g.s?

[SWLAD]

Sorry to beat a dead horse here as quite a lot of people seem to be asking if G.I.G.S matches their situation but it seems to me that it fits mine almost perfectly but i'm not sure if I'm just trying to find an explanation for what I cannot, at the moment, explain.

 

So my story:

 

Just over a month ago my 23 year old gf of 2 1/2 years broke up with me very suddenly. I am 22 and we have been together throughout university.

 

Unfortunately while I finished uni she dropped out partway through and has ended up doing an open uni course that will take her another 4 years to finish and is currently living at home with her mother and working at her mothers business.

Her contract there, which she gained as her mother needed to cover a member of staff who is off on extended sick-leave, expires in September and she doesn't know what she is going to do after that point or even if offered the job she wants to stay as she feels she'd get stuck living at home and working with her mum - thereby missing out of the things she should be doing at this age.

 

The breakup came almost out of the blue, there had been some warning signs a couple of weeks beforehand - she had become slightly distant but I had dismissed it as her being slightly down as she had given that explanation when asked.

 

The breakup didn't come straight away though, we initially went through a week-long "break" as she said "she didnt feel she could commit to the relationship 100% at the moment with everything else going on but she didnt want to lose me completely". Then after that week, during which time she had contacted me by text several times, she decided that she felt better out of the relationship than in it but wanted to remain friends. When I pressed her for a reason as to why it failed she said that she didn't know, that I was the "perfect boyfriend" but her feelings had just suddenly changed. When I asked again to this "why" she just maintained that she didnt have a clue why, that it really upset her but she just didn't know.

 

As we work together we often have to come into contact with each other. That being said we tried to maintain a level of LC. I decided that i would not initiate contact with her but would talk if she initiated it. After an initial 2 weeks of NC (she went on holiday with her family) she began texting me every 2-3 days. These text conversations wouldn't last more than 3 or 4 texts.

Then one day at work just over 3 weeks after the break up she text me asking if I wanted to hang out afterwards. Being the mug that I am I misread this as her really missing me and being a positive signal and agreed. We went out to a late-night screening and I ended up staying at her house (nothing happened though just some flirtatious tickling / touching).

 

Then we went back to the occasional texting until a week later when she and I worked a late shift (we work at a bar) and the manager was giving us drinks. She got drunk enough that she lost track of time and missed her last train home. SHe asked if it was ok if she stayed at mine and, again, I misread her intentions and leapt for joy agreeing immediately.

Everything was very flirty (lots of accidental touching: arms & legs with no pulling away, and good eye contact, stroking and showing caring interest in a large cut I got on my arm). When we got back to mine there was some flirty hugging when suddenly she said that we shouldn't be doing it. Cue a long and serious, drunk conversation about our situation and she said things hadn't changed for her. We end up going to sleep and "spoon" a little though nothing else happens.

 

The next day however things seem normal and we get on fine: laughing and chatting lots. She leaves later in the day to meet a friend for shopping and leaves stuff at my house for me to drop off to her at work the next day (so that she doesnt have to carry it around with her). I ask her if she wants me to put her things that she had left from since we were going out in the bag to return as well but she says that she doesnt mind (bearing in mind that some of the stuff includes fairly expensive hair straighteners etc).

 

Then that following week we keep chatting every so often on text (only when she initiates) and at work when we run into each other. Suddenly though I keep running into her flirting with another guy at work. Now obviously flirting is nothing to really get worked up about as its a natural thing to do but I can recognise the signs of her pursuing someone (having experienced it myself!). The thing I don't understand about it though is that this guy is nothing like her usual "type". He is 19 years old, starting uni, wrong 'social group', has little to nothing in common with her yet she seems to be interested in pursuing something with him even if it is only a pipe-dream flirtatious relationship.

 

After reading the thread about G.I.G.S i think she pretty much perfectly ticks the checklist but, like I said at the start, I don't know if I'm just seeing what I want to see due to the high chance that break-ups due to it have of having a chance to reconcile. An outside perspective to my situation would be greatly appreciated!

 

Obviously I'm not going to sit around waiting on her should you all agree that that was the cause of the break-up. I've resolved to move on with my life and get myself ship shape but the possibility of understanding our situation even slightly has, I feel, helped to give me a lot of closure. It was awful not being able to understand "why" it happened and even more frustrating when she was unable to give me any answers. I felt that she was hiding something from me, that maybe there was someone else (something made worse by the appearance of this new guy so quickly).

[PegNosePete]

high chance that break-ups due to it have of having a chance to reconcile.

Where did you get this idea from? It's totally untrue.

[SWLAD]

Apologies I worded it badly. I perhaps should have said a "higher chance to reconcile".

[PegNosePete]

Apologies I worded it badly. I perhaps should have said a "higher chance to reconcile".

Again where did you get this idea? It's totally untrue. But it doesn't really matter, it all depends on the circumstances anyway.

 

It sounds to be like you've been well and truly friend-zoned. There is zero chance that she will ever see you as a romantic interest again. Sorry dude.

[SWLAD]

Thanks for the quick feedback! Maybe I am being somewhat deluded in hoping there's a chance for us in the future. She has said that she thinks there's a chance for us in the future but not right now.

 

I guess it's just how our situation changed so quickly. For example a week before it happened we had gone out with friends and I got a little worse for wear, having drunk one too many, and my friend told me that he was really surprised by the break up as he had had a "****, she really loves him" (his words not mine) moment when he saw how she was looking after me.

 

But I guess in these situations you always look for a silver lining somewhere.

[SWLAD]

And in answer to your question I got that idea from having read:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/

 

it seemed to fit my situation perfectly. I felt it had really helped me to understand why it had all happened.

[PegNosePete]

I think there is an "IF" that you haven't read in that post!

 

"If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good"

 

And even then I wouldn't hold too much weight to this. It's just one person's opinion. Every situation is different.

[SWLAD]

Aye obviously every situation is different. I have resolved to remove myself from the "friend" situation since reading that. We haven't really hung out at all since and rarely talk now.

 

Luckily I have avoided begging or crying for her to take me back. My work situation does mean that I can't achieve total NC but I am going to minimise our contact to hopefully create what is effectively NC. This is mostly for me as I hoped to try and remain friends (losing your friend is what I find the worst part of a breakup) but i know I can't continue doing that (big surprise there!).

 

I think I have accepted that I simply have to approach this with the mind-set of "who knows what will happen, maybe after some time apart we can have another go but i might be over her by then". Win / win.

 

Obviously by that I mean I am intending to get on with my life without worrying too much about what will happen. Whatever will be will be.

Though, saying that, it's much harder to walk the walk than it is to talk the talk.

Edited June 24, 2011 by SWLAD

[JasonRules]

Yes, every situation is different and there are a lot of factors involved for a possible reconciliation.

 

From what I have experienced and seen... The person with G.I.G.S. usually does a complete 180. The type of friends they hang around, thier lifestyle and the type of people they date. The person with G.I.G.S. often turns to partying, heavy drinking, drugs, dating people that treat them like crap, neglect responsibilities, etc.

 

In this new enviroment, they surround themselves with people of no quality, substance or character. So it is very unlikely they will meet someone who "measures up" to the dumpee.

 

AFTER 2 OR 3 YEARS (OR MORE), what usually happens is the person with G.I.G.S. either grows tired of all the drama and BS (finally gets hurt enough by these new "friends" and the type of people they date) or they hit rock bottom.

 

At this point, the person with G.I.G.S. decides it's time to stop with the foolishness, get serious, settle down and get back to their normal / true self. This is when you see them reach back out to their old friends, take a more active role with their families, start going back to church (if they went before), take interest back in their old hobbies, etc. This is when the dumper "considers" or is "open" to a possible reconciliation with the dumpee.

 

Now for the dumpees who were dumped by someone with G.I.G.S... I do not want to give any of you reading this any false hope!

 

We are talking about MANY YEARS (NOTICE... I SAID MANY YEARS!!!) before the dumper gets to this point. Although you will not believe me when I tell you this... It is VERY, VERY RARE that a dumpee to take the dumper back.

 

Why?

 

During the 2 to 3 years (sometimes longer), the dumpee gets over them and moves on with their life. So when the dumper returns / checks in, you are usually involved with someone or dated someone that was / is better than the dumper. Also, since your feelings for them have changed after all this time, the thought of dating someone again who dumped you and went for a walk on the "wild side" (Yes, they will go crazy!) is not at all appealing to you and you do not go back for seconds.

 

 

This happened to exactly to my ex ex girlfriend. Everything Homebrew said happened exactly like this to us. Ironically, my ex ex experienced GIGS the same age (28-29) as my current ex (27-28). In both cases I no longer even recognised either of them. It was like they were a totally different person than the one I had met.

[SWLAD]

Aye that sounds spot on here. She has changed a lot in the the month or so since we split up, so much so that people other than myself have begun to comment on it.

 

I'm not deluding myself into thinking that if I wait a couple of months she's going to run back to me and realistically I do think that should she ever come back by the time that happens I will probably not be interested anymore (which saddens me somewhat). It's just nice to have found something that helps me understand my situation better.

 

For such a small thing it has done wonders for my mental situation. For that I cannot thank you enough Homebrew!

 

Cheers.