lillypolo Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 he broke up with me about a year ago. Said we could be friends but then didn't keep good on that promise, as he doesn't even try and maintain contact with me since we got back to uni. He talked to me once to ask a question he already knew the answer to and asked how I was doing, but that was it- is been about 10 months since... we met at an open day for the uni we now both attend and hit it off right away, we were 200 miles apart so talked every night online and met up as often as we could, we were very good friends for a good year or so before dating then dated for a year officially. things started to go down hill fast one day he was attentive and happy, then all of a sudden it was only me arranging to meet, he never really talked to me much anymore, preferred hanging out with friends... nothing I did seemed good enough anymore... then he told me he'd fallen out of love and listed things he didn't like about me anymore - it broke my heart... 6 months or so later I got a new boyfriend, whom I care for very deeply but I'm finding it hard with my ex being there all the time and acting awkwardly around me, I suppose I feel that if I can gain an insight into what he is feeling I can make things better and we can all get on - I miss his friendship so much! here is a summary of his behavior : - goes quiet/ serious if I join in a group conversation he's involved in -if I talk to him he gets all nervous and tries to escape ASAP/ acts cold/ bored - Stares at me a lot from across rooms and seeks me out in crowds, then orients himself so he can see me when he's talking to other people - avoids eye contact -lurks near by but never talks to me out of choice, if I say hi he looks as if he's going to wet himself! he told a mutual friend a while back that he's finding it more difficult than he thought to be friends, the friend asked him to talk t me about ti and he said he can't just express his feelings like that, because its not the way he is... what do you think is going on? thank you in advance
Author lillypolo Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 My option is that girl is very serious in the boy but boy also need more and more friendship with other girl because this a total flat from the boy girl is serious and thinking about you if you think her. eh? I dodnt understand a word of that but..erm thanks anyway! anyone else got an opinion? thanks
WTRanger Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 The better question, the one that can be really answered, is why are you still chasing an emotionally unavailable man? Do you really miss his friendship or do you just miss it as a chance that the two of you would get back together? The ole switch-a-roo break-up friendship.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Sounds like he still has strong feelings for you. which is why he is finding the friendship hard. Him acting cold towards you is his way of protecting himself from you in a way.
Author lillypolo Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Sounds like he still has strong feelings for you. which is why he is finding the friendship hard. Him acting cold towards you is his way of protecting himself from you in a way. how frustrating if that's the case :\ Do you mean strong feelings as in he's sort of realized he actually does care a lot for me after all and his hating seeing me with another man? or as in Disliking me immensely?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 how frustrating if that's the case :\ Do you mean strong feelings as in he's sort of realized he actually does care a lot for me after all and his hating seeing me with another man? or as in Disliking me immensely? yes he probably is second guessing ending the relationship while in your presence, although even though he may be second guessing it that does not mean he is thinking of reconciling with you. Love and Hate are but two sides of the same coin so yes he might have hate lingering in with other emotions but his behaviour definitely shows that he feels something (which is good because it shows he still cares to some level). here is a summary of his behavior : - goes quiet/ serious if I join in a group conversation he's involved in -if I talk to him he gets all nervous and tries to escape ASAP/ acts cold/ bored - Stares at me a lot from across rooms and seeks me out in crowds, then orients himself so he can see me when he's talking to other people - avoids eye contact -lurks near by but never talks to me out of choice, if I say hi he looks as if he's going to wet himself! ^^^ re-read that and pretend that someone else posted this about their ex. I'm sure you will see that this guy is in some way attached to you at some level. unfortunately, you may never know how attached he is unless you sit down and talk with him (which I don't advise doing when you both are dating other people). I guess the best advice I can give you is wait it out. if he approaches you and asks for another chance then the ball is in your court and you can decide whether or not you want to try another relationship with this guy. If not, it shows that he wasn't attached enough to want another shot at your relationship.
Author lillypolo Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 yes he probably is second guessing ending the relationship while in your presence, although even though he may be second guessing it that does not mean he is thinking of reconciling with you. Love and Hate are but two sides of the same coin so yes he might have hate lingering in with other emotions but his behaviour definitely shows that he feels something (which is good because it shows he still cares to some level). ^^^ re-read that and pretend that someone else posted this about their ex. I'm sure you will see that this guy is in some way attached to you at some level. unfortunately, you may never know how attached he is unless you sit down and talk with him (which I don't advise doing when you both are dating other people). I guess the best advice I can give you is wait it out. if he approaches you and asks for another chance then the ball is in your court and you can decide whether or not you want to try another relationship with this guy. If not, it shows that he wasn't attached enough to want another shot at your relationship. thanks again for the reply, I feel as if Ive been waiting forever!! I really do feel that he'll never do anything of his own accord ( due to shyness/ awkwardness and peer pressure - one of his friends who is classed as "popular" in our year dislikes me over a misunderstanding... my ex has never been popular as he's quite geeky and reserved so he's really trying very hard to fit in and be cool...) I tried asking to talk but he acts annoyed and scared and avoids me even more!! He is not involved with anyone at the moment, apparently he had a one night stand with a girl who looked like me and had the same accent (?!) but there are doubts as if to anything actually happened (obvs hes keeping very quiet) I just dont know wether to try being friendly again or to just leave it alone for longer... surely a year is long enough to forgive and forget?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 surely a year is long enough to forgive and forget? depends on how much he loved you, it takes some people much longer and others never forgive and forget. you can be friendly to him but don't pry into his life to much, keep it light. If he wants you back, and I mean truly finds that he loves you, he will ignore the peer pressure, shyness, awkwardness, and possibly your new boyfriend.
Author lillypolo Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 depends on how much he loved you, it takes some people much longer and others never forgive and forget. you can be friendly to him but don't pry into his life to much, keep it light. If he wants you back, and I mean truly finds that he loves you, he will ignore the peer pressure, shyness, awkwardness, and possibly your new boyfriend. thanks again, and thankyou for not judging me, i posted on a few other forums for help and all i was met with was people shouting at me and telling me I'm a bad person for having a bf and still caring for my ex... i hate being judged and people presuming things without totally knowing my situation- thanks for being so understanding. hats exactly what i try and do, light and friendly without prying, but that still scares him, its like hes trying to purposely make me feel uncomfortable and push me away when he really doesnt have to maybe he will come back all guns balzing, though he's literally not actively contacted me at all for about 7 months so things not looking too positive in that respects- though his mum and i still maintain a good friendship, so pressure form her could also be scaring him off a little, he basically does the opposite to what he's told to do by anyone ...
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 him pushing you away sounds like it's his "defence mechanism" for whatever feelings he has towards you. I wouldn't fret on it to much, just keep doing what you're doing (don't be afraid to go NC for a week or two, that might throw him off lol). thanks again, and thankyou for not judging me, i posted on a few other forums for help and all i was met with was people shouting at me and telling me I'm a bad person for having a bf and still caring for my ex... i hate being judged and people presuming things without totally knowing my situation- thanks for being so understanding. Your Welcome
Author lillypolo Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 him pushing you away sounds like it's his "defence mechanism" for whatever feelings he has towards you. I wouldn't fret on it to much, just keep doing what you're doing (don't be afraid to go NC for a week or two, that might throw him off lol). Your Welcome we'll see how long the mechanism keeps in place for - hopefully not too long as its getting tiresome i've been no contact now for a couple of months, before it was limited contact, but i intend to totally drop off the radar for around 5 months now due to circumstances with uni - we'll see what happens when he doesnt see me at all- probably nothing haha... oh dear, this love thing is painful do u think the fact he hasnt really got involved with anyone else a good sign? and no problem you deserve the thanks x
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 do u think the fact he hasnt really got involved with anyone else a good sign? could be... I'll over analyse it for you 1.) he's not over you to the point of dating. 2.) he hasn't found the right person / doesn't give girls a chance to get close to him 3.) he's not good with woman 4.) he has his eyes set on someone, but like you said he's shy and probably won't go for it. 5.) maybe the peer pressure he got from dating you has made him scared to date. 6.) maybe he's turned gay............
Author lillypolo Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 could be... I'll over analyse it for you 1.) he's not over you to the point of dating. 2.) he hasn't found the right person / doesn't give girls a chance to get close to him 3.) he's not good with woman 4.) he has his eyes set on someone, but like you said he's shy and probably won't go for it. 5.) maybe the peer pressure he got from dating you has made him scared to date. 6.) maybe he's turned gay............ probably gonna be 2/3/4 to be honest - ah men i hate things like this, i wish it would be ok for me to just go over there and tell him exactly how i feel... but obvs that would back fire and make me look like a raving loonatic...
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 probably gonna be 2/3/4 to be honest - ah men i hate things like this, i wish it would be ok for me to just go over there and tell him exactly how i feel... but obvs that would back fire and make me look like a raving loonatic... yeah don't do that lol, not only would that cause problems with him but also your current boyfriend.
nikkinicole36 Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 The better question, the one that can be really answered, is why are you still chasing an emotionally unavailable man? Do you really miss his friendship or do you just miss it as a chance that the two of you would get back together? The ole switch-a-roo break-up friendship. Not to dash your hopes, but I have to agree with WTRanger on this one. You're doing a whole lot of reading into his behavior and his actions considering that it's been a year since the breakup. The bottom line from what I can see too is that he is definitely emotionally unavailable. Does it really matter why? You just have to decide if you want to wait for him to try to make a move on you again or if you would rather take your chances with the guy you are currently dating and should honestly have your focus on. Guys like your ex rarely change. They have some emotional block that prevents them from being truly emotionally available and connected to someone.
Recommended Posts