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Posted

I have the ugly feeling of nausea and despair. My husband has been acting pretty mean to me the last few months. I have been walking on eggshells around him then he picks at me and insists I keep fighting with him and how unhappy he is. I will defend myself when he verbally starts up with me but he takes no responsibility for starting, it's all me. Tonight he said he was going to the gym then text me to say he was sleeping at work (fire station) because he is tired of my bitching all thee time?? I'm not stupid, I'm sure I know what's up. He is not answering his phone and like an idiot I've called him like 30 times and also left him about the same amount of texts. Some pissed off then some apologizing. I feel pathetic about that but can't take it back now. So I put the phone down and started writing here. Just wanted to talk to someone. Or hear some advice please :(

Posted

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your husband is behaving very badly and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

If someone starts acting mean and being argumentative, it sometimes means they're having an affair, and this is their way of distancing themselves from their spouse. Do you think this might be true of your husband? It's very suspicious if he's "sleeping at work" and not answering his phone etc. Does he do that a lot? Is it possible that he might be starting arguments with you just so he can have an excuse to stomp off and stay out all night, so he can spend time with someone else?

 

You really don't deserve to be treated this way, whether he's cheating or not. I suggest you do a little more research into the possibility of cheating, and arrange for the two of you to go to marriage counseling - or as a last resort, leave him. Don't stay and let him do this to you.

  • Author
Posted
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your husband is behaving very badly and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

If someone starts acting mean and being argumentative, it sometimes means they're having an affair, and this is their way of distancing themselves from their spouse. Do you think this might be true of your husband? It's very suspicious if he's "sleeping at work" and not answering his phone etc. Does he do that a lot? Is it possible that he might be starting arguments with you just so he can have an excuse to stomp off and stay out all night, so he can spend time with someone else?

 

You really don't deserve to be treated this way, whether he's cheating or not. I suggest you do a little more research into the possibility of cheating, and arrange for the two of you to go to marriage counseling - or as a last resort, leave him. Don't stay and let him do this to you.

 

I believe everything you said to be true but have not found proof, nothing on cell bills, etc. About 5 years ago he had a "phone" relationship with a girl and I did find out about it through the phone bill so im sure he's not dumb enough for that again. He swears it was just talking never anything more. Now I'm not so sure. The problem is we have 3 busy teenagers at home and I don't work enough to make any real money. He has always supported us since the fire dept pays well. I do know that he gets the "fireman" attention from women because I've seen it with all the firemen he works with including him. I couldn't support myself if I wanted to. I don't know what to do. He won't be home now until he's off duty Saturday and until then I just feel sick.

Posted

so sorry too that you are going through this :(

first, if you could possibly, try to imagine that you are NOT hopeless if you have to go on without him. It is possible to go on. Don't worry about how, just try to believe it. Calm the worst of those noises in your mind, the hows will have to fall into place without you making yourself sick with worry.

Posted
I have the ugly feeling of nausea and despair. My husband has been acting pretty mean to me the last few months. I have been walking on eggshells around him then he picks at me and insists I keep fighting with him and how unhappy he is. I will defend myself when he verbally starts up with me but he takes no responsibility for starting, it's all me. Tonight he said he was going to the gym then text me to say he was sleeping at work (fire station) because he is tired of my bitching all thee time?? I'm not stupid, I'm sure I know what's up. He is not answering his phone and like an idiot I've called him like 30 times and also left him about the same amount of texts. Some pissed off then some apologizing. I feel pathetic about that but can't take it back now. So I put the phone down and started writing here. Just wanted to talk to someone. Or hear some advice please :(

 

Yep, stop chasing him. Pointless to call and leave texts. You get angry, vent on here.

Posted

1. I would find a way to find out what he is doing. Can you afford a PI? A voice activated recorder to put in his car? If he is having an affair, you have more information about what he is doing and what you want to do. Knowledge should help you decide.

2. I would do a search on the computer about spousal support if you do leave him.

3. Get busy with the busy teenagers and do not call him today. Let him wonder why you are not calling him.

4. Do not ask him about anything when you do talk to him. Be busy and do not have time to talk but a minute.

5. Do not argue with him. It does not get you anywhere and it makes you feel worse and gives him "a reason" not to be home.

6. Always clear your history on the computer so he does not know what is up with you.

 

First, you need to take care of yourself. If he is mean and argumentative, he expects you to react the way you always have. Do your best to ignore this and just go on with your activities. That will give him pause.

 

Hugs to you. It sucks, I know.

Posted
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like your husband is behaving very badly and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

If someone starts acting mean and being argumentative, it sometimes means they're having an affair, and this is their way of distancing themselves from their spouse. Do you think this might be true of your husband? It's very suspicious if he's "sleeping at work" and not answering his phone etc. Does he do that a lot? Is it possible that he might be starting arguments with you just so he can have an excuse to stomp off and stay out all night, so he can spend time with someone else?

 

You really don't deserve to be treated this way, whether he's cheating or not. I suggest you do a little more research into the possibility of cheating, and arrange for the two of you to go to marriage counseling - or as a last resort, leave him. Don't stay and let him do this to you.

 

Stop calling, texting, etc. It sounds like he's feeling smothered. Doing what you're doing is only going to push him away more. If you want things to work out, you need to stop.

Posted
About 5 years ago he had a "phone" relationship with a girl and I did find out about it through the phone bill so im sure he's not dumb enough for that again.

So he's cheated before! I think that makes it much more likely that he'll cheat again, especially given his shady behavior.

 

The problem is we have 3 busy teenagers at home and I don't work enough to make any real money. He has always supported us since the fire dept pays well.

And he will still support you if you decide to kick him out - the courts will make sure he does! Don't put up with his behavior for financial reasons; if he's cheating then gather the evidence and show him the door.

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Posted

Thanks so much everyone for the advice. Today I became a different person and told him I would not tolerate him not coming home at night. I told him I am the one angry now and didn't really talk to him most of the day besides a few texts from him saying he just needed space last night. Tonight I talked to him because I didn't let my 16 year old daughter go out with a problem boy. She told me she can see why dad didn't want to come home last night. I know she's lashing out but it hurt more than anything. I asked him what he expected from this situation and what he suggests we do and he said right now he didn't know. Personslly I think I would like him just to leave because I feel so sad and hurt that I don't even want to take it anymore. His mom offered him a room. My biggest problem is my kids and the teenage years are being hard enough on them without all this. We are at a stand still. He won't go to counseling. Tomorrow my daughter has a softball game, of course we are both going but i dont even want to sit near him,I know I need to be reasonable. I also told him I thought if he was undecided on our situation he should go stay at his mom's awhile and his last words on the phone to me tonight were to f- off. Then he text me and apologized for saying that. I feel like I'm back in a high school relationship.

Posted

Take a break and go find yourself. Take cruise or fly to Hawaii. Get way from him a week, 10 days or 3 weeks. You need time to think. Otherwise you and him going to end up hating each other. I am sure your kids can watch after dad why mom goes and relax at seaside.

Posted

You know I agree with that advice!! Why the hell does he get to control things, and move out and leave you with the kids to deal with. Tell him you need time to think as heis behaviour has been horrible, and you will be taking a 2 week break away.

Posted

:owhat exactly are the fights about? Any notion to why he is suddenly being so hostile??

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Posted

I wish I could just go somewhere. First of all I have a new job and have not acquired anytime off yet. It's only part time but I am trying to get full time and if we separate I need to keep it. It's really hard to find jobs in California right now. Secondly he is a fireman and works 24 hour shifts and my kids are in sports. I could not do that to them. My kids are my first priority. I feel like he is a totally different person and he has so much anger for me. I've tried to talk to him but he said he's just sick of me. I am in shock. I can only think maybe it's someone else? I really don't know what to do. Any time I try to talk or ask him what the problem is he tells me not to start and he doesn't want to hear me. He said he doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesn't need someone's psycho-babble criticizing him and he will just tell them to f- off.

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Posted
:owhat exactly are the fights about? Any notion to why he is suddenly being so hostile??

 

He says he's tired of on and off arguing about the kids, etc. I telll him we need to communicate so we can be on the same page with them. We've had many good years so I don't get it. He loves his kids but he also keeps saying he is tired of all the teenage drama. All he wants to do is leave the house all the time for "space". He swears he is not having an affair. You'd think working 24 hour shifts he has enough space from us/me. I am so heartbroken that I can barely stand it. My stomach is always upset and this raw aching pain in my heart for this man that I've loved with all my heart saying very hurtful things to me is killing me. I'm devastated. I feel like a fool, how could I have bought into the fantasy and belief of true love.

  • Author
Posted

Can I just ask you guys something, are there still people out there who believe in lifelong commitment and for better or for worse or is it all a myth. You'll stick around until it's not really going your way. I am so confused and wonder am I part of a dying breed of being a dedicated and committed person to my spouse. I can't believe how common this is.

Posted

So sorry he is being deliberately hurtful :(

Yes, marital breakups seems so common. Life is relatively easy now compared to a hundred years ago, for example, so people have more time and can be more selfish. People can take spouses and kids for granted and even leave them because it's not gonna kill them. So off they go to search for greener pastures.

This is all sad but you can look at it in a positive way... Yes you can survive without him! You might even have a *better* life without him. In fact you can guarante it is better if you put your mind to it!

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