fooled once Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I hope to be in your shoes one day, FO. I love your posts. As for something 'positive' that has come of this.... I learned a ton about what led me down the destructive path that I took, so that I can now make healthier choices with MY best interests in mind. See, you are already on your way; you are learning about YOU. There are so many who have never looked inside themselves and just keep jumping from one man to another! You are further ahead than they are!! But that's not attributable to the affair? Or did you go for your H due to things you learned in/from the A? Did I "go for my H"? What does that mean? I am not going to explain things further than I did as it will provide TMI and I have learned over the years that some like to throw their own spin on others stories for their own benefit. There are a number of possible scenarios that could lead to a situation like that: The future-H could be the therapist she went to consult over her heartbreak when her MM dumped her, or the doctor who tested her for STDs, or a policeman who came to serve a RO in response to bunny-boiling behaviour... Many OWs have attested here to "out of character" behaviour in and after an A that saw them doing things they would never otherwise have done. It's not unthinkable that one might meet a future H through such a situation. What a vivid imagination. If you were trying to take a pot shot at me, you were wrong on all accounts. I wasn't dumped, I didn't need testing for STD's nor was I a bunny boiler. It is funny about the bunny boiler comment because I have heard about a former mistress who still, to this day, is so spun up about an ex wife that she writes a blog about how she won the cheater. It is really funny, yet so sad that the ex wife takes up so much space in the former mistress's head. I have heard of some pretty extreme things that OW will do to trap / keep a MM. Pregnancy, threats of self harm, deportation, etc. There are really no bounds that some will do to 'win' a guy. Blech, thankfully for me, my H never had to deal with a possibly unstable OW stalking us or blogging about me or our relationship. My H was married & divorced prior to us meeting; he didn't need an 'exit' affair to end his marriage. He just went to a lawyer and filed papers A man of morals & action, more reasons I adore him.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Did I "go for my H"? What does that mean? Just meant maybe there were qualities in the OM that you looked for in your H, or qualities your OM didn't have that you then sought out. I didn't a the connection between your marriage and the A and the post was about things that then happened due to the A.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 It seems as though OW and BS alike can take positive findings from their affair and use the wisdom as they go through life.... By the way, this is not a post to say why affairs are a good thing, that's not my view, but there seems to be a raft of women for whom a turning point in their life came as a result of the affair. Likewise, I have read BSs say their relationship is better, post-affair - but NOT to say they are glad the affair happened. I'd be interested to hear from anyone who is able to recognise something good that ensued, whether immediately or some time after. I learned that no person can make me happy, they can only enhance my pre-existing happiness. I learned that stress is stress is stress. I had previously coped very well with work-stress, financial stress, disability and other stress, but rarely relationship-stress. I learned to detach myself from worrisome thoughts and difficult truths. I taught myself methods to help with it and have carried on and on and I find that loving and taking care of myself is one of the most valuable lessons ever. I went to counselling when the A broke down, and actually uncovered a lot of 'stuff', going back a lot of years, that I was pleased to uncover and I feel much better for it, my core is much more peaceful these days... I learned that I find every day easier to live, and often a joy, when I am being true to myself and following what I believe to be right and true, but only after thinking hard and thinking deep, else otherwise it's just a crazy mess.
OWoman Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 I learned that I find every day easier to live, and often a joy, when I am being true to myself and following what I believe to be right and true, but only after thinking hard and thinking deep, else otherwise it's just a crazy mess. I find living authentically and with personal integrity to be vital. IME, it's simply not sustainable to try to live otherwise - something has to give. So if your A gave you that gift, it was a very worthwhile experience, IMO
OWoman Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 What a vivid imagination. If you were trying to take a pot shot at me, you were wrong on all accounts. I wasn't dumped, I didn't need testing for STD's nor was I a bunny boiler. I didn't claim you were. People were struggling to see how your response might possibly relate to the topic of the thread and so I suggested a couple of scenarios to illustrate the type of situation that could possibly link the response with the thread topic. There must have been SOME link - surely the response wasn't meant to be a completely random threadjack? It is funny about the bunny boiler comment because I have heard about a former mistress who still, to this day, is so spun up about an ex wife that she writes a blog about how she won the cheater. It is really funny, yet so sad that the ex wife takes up so much space in the former mistress's head. I have heard of some pretty extreme things that OW will do to trap / keep a MM. Pregnancy, threats of self harm, deportation, etc. There are really no bounds that some will do to 'win' a guy. There are some pretty mixed up people in the world, sure - and I've had to deal with a couple (a wannabe-OW obsessively stalking my H, and the xW), but I'm not sure what that has to do with the topic - which was about positives from As. Speaking of which, one of the positives from my A has to be the wonderful family I have married into. Back home, families were always more about duty than about enjoyment, and it's so nice to have a group of people I genuinely love spending time with who get together at every chance.
fooled once Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Just meant maybe there were qualities in the OM that you looked for in your H, or qualities your OM didn't have that you then sought out. I didn't a the connection between your marriage and the A and the post was about things that then happened due to the A. The qualities were: a. My husband isn't a cheater. b. My husband takes his vows seriously. c. My husband is ten times the man the MM was. Not that hard really. Your post asked for positives from the affair. I responded exactly as you asked. I didn't interpret your post to mean I needed to compare the MM with my H There is no comparison, IMHO. Their only alike feature is they are both male.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 The qualities were: a. My husband isn't a cheater. b. My husband takes his vows seriously. c. My husband is ten times the man the MM was. Not that hard really. Your post asked for positives from the affair. I responded exactly as you asked. I didn't interpret your post to mean I needed to compare the MM with my H There is no comparison, IMHO. Their only alike feature is they are both male. The question was about what you gained as a result of the affair, I wasn't asking for any comparisons. You got married very quickly after yours so I didn't know whether lessons learnt made you more certain of what you wanted. No matter. Think it's got lost in translation somewhere. But thanks to those who answered. I understand that it's a really challenging and sometimes painful situation so it's nice to see people moving on and taking positives with them.
thomasb Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 are . . I have heard of some pretty extreme things that OW will do to trap / keep a MM. Pregnancy, threats of self harm, deportation, etc. There are really no bounds that some will do to 'win' a guy. Blech, thankfully for me, my H never had to deal with a possibly unstable OW stalking us or blogging about me or our relationship. My H was married & divorced prior to us meeting; he didn't need an 'exit' affair to end his marriage. He just went to a lawyer and filed papers A man of morals & action, more reasons I adore him. This is just too funny! Blog indeed!
silktricks Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 those could happen after then break up of ANY R. Since the original claim was that it would not have happened if it had not been an A, I was trying to picture scenarios that would be unique to that situation - based upon what people describe here. I read it differently. I read it as they wouldn't have met if she hadn't been in a relationship with that particular man, who happened to be married, therefore it was an affair... so both your scenarios AND NID's scenarios would have been possible.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Kilmeny, that's so sad. I totally understand the penance thing. Easily done and quite common I think. Or rather, more common than one might think if not aware of the concept.
OWoman Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Thank you BB. You are well on your way! So the second part of the story, and where this all ties together is this... I'd met a man when I was 24. Fell in love with him fast and hard. Life circumstances took us in separate directions but we remained best friends. He was from another state and had a young daughter in that state. Things were going on with her so he transferred back there to fight for custody of her. He thought it would only take about six months and then he'd move back. He didn't win at first. It ended up taking about 7 years for him to win that fight. By that time, I'd married someone else. He ended up marrying someone local as well after I'd married. I'd always loved him, and he was always "the one" but it evolved into a friendship for the next 16 years. He "came back" for me shortly after I ended the A (years after my divorce and his DD was turning 18 lol). But he was in the midst of a divorce and had developed a severe drinking problem. Prior to the A, I would have taken him back, drunk and all, because I'd loved him so much. But I loved myself more this time and turned him away. I told him I would not be in a dysfunctional relationship. It was hard, but yet not hard if that makes sense. It was something I'd always wanted, but I'd learned I didn't want it like that (thanks to the A). I needed someone with a good head on his shoulders, his baggage neatly packed and dealt with, etc. So I sent him away and dissolved the friendship. I honestly could not stand to see him like that. It hurt me and I couldn't be a part of it. Roughly a year later, he contacted me again. After I'd sent him away, he went to rehab and had been sober since. He'd entered counseling and worked through the issues that had caused him to drink. He'd finished with his divorce sometime back and had remained single while working through all his stuff. He "came back" for me again and now we're happily married. What a wonderful story!
MissBee Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 Thank you BB. You are well on your way! So the second part of the story, and where this all ties together is this... I'd met a man when I was 24. Fell in love with him fast and hard. Life circumstances took us in separate directions but we remained best friends. He was from another state and had a young daughter in that state. Things were going on with her so he transferred back there to fight for custody of her. He thought it would only take about six months and then he'd move back. He didn't win at first. It ended up taking about 7 years for him to win that fight. By that time, I'd married someone else. He ended up marrying someone local as well after I'd married. I'd always loved him, and he was always "the one" but it evolved into a friendship for the next 16 years. He "came back" for me shortly after I ended the A (years after my divorce and his DD was turning 18 lol). But he was in the midst of a divorce and had developed a severe drinking problem. Prior to the A, I would have taken him back, drunk and all, because I'd loved him so much. But I loved myself more this time and turned him away. I told him I would not be in a dysfunctional relationship. It was hard, but yet not hard if that makes sense. It was something I'd always wanted, but I'd learned I didn't want it like that (thanks to the A). I needed someone with a good head on his shoulders, his baggage neatly packed and dealt with, etc. So I sent him away and dissolved the friendship. I honestly could not stand to see him like that. It hurt me and I couldn't be a part of it. Roughly a year later, he contacted me again. After I'd sent him away, he went to rehab and had been sober for about a year. He'd entered counseling and worked through the issues that had caused him to drink. He'd finished with his divorce sometime back and had remained single while working through all his stuff. He "came back" for me again and now we're happily married. Awwww! Great story I love those sentiments and agree wholeheartedly. I used to believe that loving someone meant loving them in any kinda way and accepting any kind of thing "for love"....when in reality it was that I didn't love myself enough to demand a certain caliber of thing. Loving other people more than you love yourself is never noble...it's usually a signal that something is terribly awry. Often times we think that if we love someone we have a small window of opportunity, so no matter what kinda way they are we have to grab them now before the window closes, but I believe that only good can come from waiting if things aren't in the best shape at the current moment. If it's yours, it will come back around. If a man/woman loves you and is meant to be with you...they'll make it happen, whether it means going to rehab, divorcing their spouse, moving to where you are etc.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 SIT, thank you so much for sharing this. You're one of my favourite posters. Not sure how you deliver a form of detached clarity with warm compassion.... but you do! Yours is a beautiful story.
NoIDidn't Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I don't believe any positives came from my experience of my exH's affairs. Infact, I believe that any positives anyone identifies from being a BS (not ever having been an OW or WS, I wouldn't want to comment on whatever they get from an affair), probably aren't anything to do with the affair, but more to do with them as people. I feel that its in spite of the affair that they can feel there is something good, not because of it. Agreed. It was the strength of my character and my unwillingness to let his affair destroy me emotionally that led to good things in my life, not the affair. I can see how the person in an affair that didn't have the AP officially/legitimately might think of good things, but the person that's already married to the AP has to create their own good things as the affair is a very bad thing to visit upon another person.
Got it Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I learned a lot from the affair, a lot about me, him, and life. And for that I don't regret it at all. It was hard at times, was fantastic at times, and caused me to pull my hair out at times, but he is beyond words wonderful and I love him very much. He has given me so many gifts, treated me very well, how could I regret it? I have never been so loved.
OWoman Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 I learned a lot from the affair, a lot about me, him, and life. And for that I don't regret it at all. It was hard at times, was fantastic at times, and caused me to pull my hair out at times, but he is beyond words wonderful and I love him very much. He has given me so many gifts, treated me very well, how could I regret it? I have never been so loved. Wonderful!
Got it Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Affairs, like all relationships, are made up of people so what outcome you get out of the joining of people is decided by the partners individually. We can only control ourselves so the good and the bad is based on our own behavior and decisions based upon external forces.
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