Silly_Girl Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 It seems as though OW and BS alike can take positive findings from their affair and use the wisdom as they go through life.... By the way, this is not a post to say why affairs are a good thing, that's not my view, but there seems to be a raft of women for whom a turning point in their life came as a result of the affair. Likewise, I have read BSs say their relationship is better, post-affair - but NOT to say they are glad the affair happened. I'd be interested to hear from anyone who is able to recognise something good that ensued, whether immediately or some time after.
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Thanks Trimmer I remember that one. Seems to have been a difficult thread for some. And I imagine there'd be few current OW/fOW from this board in it.
Trimmer Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Thanks Trimmer I remember that one. Seems to have been a difficult thread for some. And I imagine there'd be few current OW/fOW from this board in it. Yeah, sometimes I think a thread gets its tone set somewhere near the beginning, and that kinda carries through pages of posts... I remember one time I was the first reply and answered someone with a sort of sarcastic humor, and things just took off from there, and I felt bad, like I had done the OP wrong because it deserved to have a 'better' discussion than it did. Always interesting to see what direction it goes. So I'll bow out and read the mail, and hope not to 'poison' this one so you can have a thoughtful discussion!
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Ha! I've seen that happen - and been the guilty party too!
OWoman Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I'd be interested to hear from anyone who is able to recognise something good that ensued, whether immediately or some time after. A great deal of positives ensued, and I'm not referring simply to the fact that we are now M. For my H, the A showed him other possibilities beyond the abusive M he felt trapped in. It showed him that love was possible without abuse, that respect was possible, that dignity and honesty and authenticity were all possible. It held a clear mirror up to him instead of the distorted, fogged mirror he'd been presented with for the preceding decades and it allowed him to step outside of the limitations he had assumed and to expand into the man he needed to be all along. It gave him the courage to embrace change, to acknowledge his own needs and hopes, and to balance those with his responsibilities instead of only looking to the latter. It allowed him to integrate all the dimensions of himself and to like the person that he saw emerging. It brought him love, light, and colour to his world, a renewed interest in his work and closeness to his family. It brought connection to his colleagues, engagement with his environment and laughter to his lips. For me, it taught me a great deal about myself - that I had the capacity to fall in love, that my desire could focus exclusively on a single lover, that I could share space with someone and that I could learn to trust - and that my trust would be respected, rewarded and cherished. It taught me that living with authenticity and integrity is indeed the best - and for me, only - way and that daring to do what one knows to be the best thing allows one to stand tall and proud and true. It taught me that change promotes growth, and that being unafraid to look into oneself and to own what's inside is the only way to truly living authentically. It showed me that people change, that needs change and that changing and growing is not a sign of weakness but of strength. It showed me that people respond to who you are and not what you are, and that there are good friends out there waiting for you to discover them. It taught me that I had qualities I did not know I had, and that I could relate well to people I'd never encountered before. It taught me that good basic values matter, and that while happiness may come and go, true joy remains like a song in your heart.
silktricks Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Well, I certainly wish it hadn't happened, and that we would have been dealing with some of the issues in our marriage in a more healthy manner. But that's water that flowed under the bridge a long time ago. What did happen is that we both realized that we still loved each other, and that if we did want to remain married we both needed to make some changes. It's funny, because we were talking about this the other night. I feel he made more changes and he feels I did.. so maybe neither of us changed all that much - mostly we just talk more and don't pretend the little stuff can't grow into big terrible stuff if it's ignored. We're happy That's a pretty big positive for me.
OWoman Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 We're happy That's a pretty big positive for me. that's the BIGGEST, IMO
Mimolicious Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 It seems as though OW and BS alike can take positive findings from their affair and use the wisdom as they go through life.... By the way, this is not a post to say why affairs are a good thing, that's not my view, but there seems to be a raft of women for whom a turning point in their life came as a result of the affair. Likewise, I have read BSs say their relationship is better, post-affair - but NOT to say they are glad the affair happened. I'd be interested to hear from anyone who is able to recognise something good that ensued, whether immediately or some time after. Yeah, something great came from it. I don't have to deal with the sham-of-a-clown that I got M to. The person who watched me grow, I shared my teens and early youth with, broke me in a thousand pieces now he doesn't get to share my mature life and the REAL person who I was meant to be. It's fricking fantbloodyfabulous I'd tell ya!!!!!!!!!! So yeah... I got most positive things out of it. I guess once the pain is gone and you don't have to deal with the nonsense everyday, you look back and just laugh. How stupid I was... I should have moved on sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!
MissBee Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) The two immediate positives that I always think about that came out of my affair experience are: I got to be involved in an affair early on in life and therefore have personal experience with it and the dynamics to know it is not for me. I feel like I got that particular mistake out of the way and can go through my prime years without being entangled in such, because I've "been there, done that, got the t-shirt and then returned it!". The guy I was involved with was very compatible with me and I'm a believer in astrology; I got the experience of what it would be like to be in a relationship where you are natural complements so things flow easily. Although he in particular was not the one for me, I have something to use as an example of what natural compatibility looks like. That's not the end all be all of a relationship, as in our case, clearly it wasn't, but it's a key component that I can look for in future relationships. I am also more adept at identifying bull and sneakiness. This guy had to do it to a degree as all cheaters do, and I know what it looks like as I was able to see how a person could carry on with someone else, so now I am way more aware of the "signs" that someone is being unfaithful or is pursuing me while they have someone else so I can say no thanks before too much of my time is wasted. Edited June 24, 2011 by MissBee
Loni Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 One positive is obvious. I got to marry the man of my dreams. The other positive is that when the whole thing blew up and fell in the crapper we got into therapy. H got into IC to figure out why he chose an A with me in his first marriage as opposed to divorce or working on the marriage.
fooled once Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 It seems as though OW and BS alike can take positive findings from their affair and use the wisdom as they go through life.... By the way, this is not a post to say why affairs are a good thing, that's not my view, but there seems to be a raft of women for whom a turning point in their life came as a result of the affair. Likewise, I have read BSs say their relationship is better, post-affair - but NOT to say they are glad the affair happened. I'd be interested to hear from anyone who is able to recognise something good that ensued, whether immediately or some time after. That's easy. When I ended my relationship with a MM, I met my H So as to not provide TMI, suffice it to say, had things not happened exactly as they did, I never would have met him. NEVER. But, things did happen and 7 months later, I was married to my H, and we have been going strong for over 13 years. :love::love: I am living proof there is life after an affair ends; and a damn good life if I say so myself.
Tenacity Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 (edited) I hope to be in your shoes one day, FO. I love your posts. As for something 'positive' that has come of this.... I learned a ton about what led me down the destructive path that I took, so that I can now make healthier choices with MY best interests in mind. Edited June 25, 2011 by Tenacity
Anna101 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Well other than my baby boy!....I think they are just a catalyst for change, and there is usually some aspect of change that is for the better.
MissBee Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 That's easy. When I ended my relationship with a MM, I met my H So as to not provide TMI, suffice it to say, had things not happened exactly as they did, I never would have met him. NEVER. But, things did happen and 7 months later, I was married to my H, and we have been going strong for over 13 years. :love::love: I am living proof there is life after an affair ends; and a damn good life if I say so myself. Awwww! Sounds lovely
MissBee Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 Well other than my baby boy!....I think they are just a catalyst for change, and there is usually some aspect of change that is for the better. I concur. I don't think affairs in themselves have positive, but I do believe everything in life, even your mistakes, are a catalyst for change and pushes you towards betterment, if you so choose to take that option.
Loni Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 There are no positives from affairs. Yes there are. There is the realization that you never want to be in one again. I recognize that it does not help a particular BS but there is a BS out there who perhaps dodged a bullet because a former person who has had an affair decided they did not want to go there again because of their prior experience.
carrie999 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 It seems as though OW and BS alike can take positive findings from their affair and use the wisdom as they go through life.... By the way, this is not a post to say why affairs are a good thing, that's not my view, but there seems to be a raft of women for whom a turning point in their life came as a result of the affair. Likewise, I have read BSs say their relationship is better, post-affair - but NOT to say they are glad the affair happened. I'd be interested to hear from anyone who is able to recognise something good that ensued, whether immediately or some time after. SG, my affair is still very much an affair, so my view on it may change if my heart is broken, or he ends it with her (a very sweet woman) and she goes off the deep end. So much is up in the air all around right now. Regardless of what happens, I took something important from this: I didn't marry the wrong guy. You know my story. I was engaged to an amazing man who treated me better than anyone ever has, and I love his family. They were the perfect in-laws; they shared the same traditions, love, and sense of humor that my family has. It was so easy to ignore the fact that I was no longer attracted to him, despite the fact that he's very attractive, athletic, smart, etc. He just didn't fit me, and it was easy for me to miss that fact because he was perfect on paper, and we got along so well, and supported one another through tough times. Nobody but MM could have led my eyes from him, because I wanted so desperately to believe he was the one. What I have with MM is so much stronger and deeper in many ways, but I'd never have let it get to that point with anyone else. In retrospect, if MM disappears from my life completely, that is the one gift he gave me: perspective. As soon as I became involved with MM, I realized that I wouldn't or couldn't have betrayed someone I really wanted for the rest of my life. Even during our NC/LC period, there was no longer a question that I was better off single and alone than with my now ex-fiance. And now I am close friends with my ex. Our breakup was amicable, we lived together for months until sorting out our new situations, he helped me move out, and we expressed our mutual sadness that it didn't work, combined with relief that we figured it out before getting married. If we married, we would probably have either divorced or ended up resenting on another. Our wedding would have been last Saturday. It was surreal to spend that evening hanging out with family and friends who would have been on our dance floor. I spent that evening reflecting upon what might have been, but with no regrets... Yesterday, he received monumentally exciting news, and we spent two hours on the phone. Even when we were first dating, we didn't have that much to say to eachother. I've gotten my friend back. MM is amazing, and I hope our situation turns out like yours has. Even if it doesn't, the affair gave me more than I could have hoped to find: perspective, and a lifelong friend.
carrie999 Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 "Mr. Harris," perhaps you have stumbled upon the wrong forum?
Author Silly_Girl Posted June 25, 2011 Author Posted June 25, 2011 That's easy. When I ended my relationship with a MM, I met my H So as to not provide TMI, suffice it to say, had things not happened exactly as they did, I never would have met him. NEVER. But, things did happen and 7 months later, I was married to my H, and we have been going strong for over 13 years. :love::love: I am living proof there is life after an affair ends; and a damn good life if I say so myself. But that's not attributable to the affair? Or did you go for your H due to things you learned in/from the A?
OWoman Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 But that's not attributable to the affair? Or did you go for your H due to things you learned in/from the A? There are a number of possible scenarios that could lead to a situation like that: The future-H could be the therapist she went to consult over her heartbreak when her MM dumped her, or the doctor who tested her for STDs, or a policeman who came to serve a RO in response to bunny-boiling behaviour... Many OWs have attested here to "out of character" behaviour in and after an A that saw them doing things they would never otherwise have done. It's not unthinkable that one might meet a future H through such a situation.
crumpet Posted June 25, 2011 Posted June 25, 2011 i met the love of my life in an affair. It sounds cliched: but i was a single woman who had lots of experiences and he was not another boyfriend, he was the one. He had settled for someone, but when i came along realised that 'settling' is a poor second choice for life. We had an affair because he hates to hurt people and so didn't end with her before starting with me. No, It wasn't completely logical, but if you had been there you could see how he and I absolutely behaved in a decent, sincere, intelligent way. And no, that didn't mean he went ahead and divorced his wife before he met me. Life is complicated but better fun than other available alternatives...
NoIDidn't Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 There are a number of possible scenarios that could lead to a situation like that: The future-H could be the therapist she went to consult over her heartbreak when her MM dumped her, or the doctor who tested her for STDs, or a policeman who came to serve a RO in response to bunny-boiling behaviour... Many OWs have attested here to "out of character" behaviour in and after an A that saw them doing things they would never otherwise have done. It's not unthinkable that one might meet a future H through such a situation. Or the beautiful stranger that held her for a second when he noticed that she looked like she was going to cry. Or the man that saw that strength and grace she displayed when he witnessed the end of her relationship wondering if that beautiful woman with "with" the gentleman he saw her with and finding out that it was over and he had a chance. Doesn't have to be negative. That post was just...wow. Underhanded jabs are very unbecoming and ugly.
donnamaybe Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Or the beautiful stranger that held her for a second when he noticed that she looked like she was going to cry. Or the man that saw that strength and grace she displayed when he witnessed the end of her relationship wondering if that beautiful woman with "with" the gentleman he saw her with and finding out that it was over and he had a chance. Doesn't have to be negative. That post was just...wow. Underhanded jabs are very unbecoming and ugly. Yup. Look at Shania Twain. The two sneaky cheaters are now together (one has to wonder if there is any trust there), but the two BS's found love together in a sweetly innocent manner. A far better looking couple too, I might add.
OWoman Posted June 26, 2011 Posted June 26, 2011 Or the beautiful stranger that held her for a second when he noticed that she looked like she was going to cry. Or the man that saw that strength and grace she displayed when he witnessed the end of her relationship wondering if that beautiful woman with "with" the gentleman he saw her with and finding out that it was over and he had a chance. those could happen after then break up of ANY R. Since the original claim was that it would not have happened if it had not been an A, I was trying to picture scenarios that would be unique to that situation - based upon what people describe here. Doesn't have to be negative. That post was just...wow. Underhanded jabs are very unbecoming and ugly. No negativity intended - projection is very unbecoming, too, and reveals far more about the person doing the projection than about the target. Responding in good faith to a "how could this possibly be?" type question with some possible scenarios (that didn't claim to be an exhaustive list) was meant as an illustration of possibility, nothing more. I guess everyone will read it as they want, but that's their choice. I have no control over how they choose to interpret something, just as they have no omniscience into my motive or intent.
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