esposito Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Hello, After reading so many of the posts here I am intrigued to share my story. I made the cardinal mistake of dating someone at work. Things were great at first. We had amazing dates very often and he was always kind to me, making me feel happy. He also made it sound magical.. He told me he wanted to ask me out for months and finally had to go for it because he knew I was special. You know the usual I never felt this way, you might be it bla bla.Then after 6 weeks of intense dating I introduced him to my friends. He came and told them how lucky he was to be with me and how happy he was to meet them. 2 days after that he sent me a text saying we don't have anything in common and a relationship can't last on food wine and sex alone. This was such a blindsiding move, especially in form of a random text after work. We agreed to talk about it and work it out. However it didn't feel right to me. That night I asked him to call me, he did. I asked him about it and he went on about how he won't be able to put more "effort" in the next few months and we would break up anyway and said something about the situation and timing. He didn't make any sense. He was saying one thing and another next. I knew that he was BSing and although I could counter all his reasons successfully he would come up with some new ones. Once I realized it I accepted it and thanked him for letting me know. I said it is fine, he said it is not fine and that I would probably hate him. I didn't make a comment told him goodnight. That was that. From then on I never texted or phoned him and never asked for any explanation or even asked for my stuff back. At work I am my usual happy self. I don't make an extra effort to avoid him, say hey when he walks by my desk. We work together on a project and I occasionally need his help but I keep it kind and cordial. I left the relationship with dignity and didn't make him feel bad. He on the other hand is specifically trying to avoid me. He walks by my desk quite often with a sullen expression and makes me feel like I wronged him. If anything I thought he'd be relieved because I let him off easy. However everytime I ask him for his help about the project he gives me an attitude and is very annoyed. I asked him about it today and he said it is frustrating for him because I can do it myself. (I need documents pulled from a system he manages). This took me by surprise because I don't see why it is annoying when it is technically his job and I only need it couple of times a week. He offers to give me unlimited access to the system instead so I can do it myself. I am the project manager and he is on the project, I am also higher rank at work than him. It especially frustrates me because the project team is up for a reward and he will get recognition and he is not doing anything. I am not bossy with him and I always ask kindly. Even after this conversation I told him I didn't realize this was annoying and that I simply won't ask again. Oh and he asked to get lunch last week one day out of blue but backed out when I said it has to be quick because I was busy. I didn't think of it much then but now with this behavior it is even more odd. Long story short I don't understand what warrants such behavior. I never even once mentioned anything about our breakup and never gave him any attitude. And this is after being hugely dissapointed because I really believed in him and thought he was a good, kind hearted person that I could see myself with. I don't recognize the jerk he is right now and don't know how I can maintain civility. Should I avoid him? Ask him what's up or do what I am doing? I am getting extremely annoyed. thanks!
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 you are the project manager and he is on the project? meaning you are his boss? you need to act like a boss and make sure he is doing his work, regardless of what happened between you two. keep being civil but you need to act professional as well (at least while at work).
Author esposito Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 No i am not his boss. We are in different groups. The project i manage is cross functional. I oversee the project but no one on the team reports to me. Basically my success depends on people's willingness to help me.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 report to his boss, you don't need to get into details just say you believe he is acting this way to you because of personal matters outside the company.
Author esposito Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Thanks but i don't think it is necessary. I am not too concerned about the project. It is going well with or without him. My question was more about why he is acting this way.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 he is probably still wondering if he made the right decision of ending the relationship, so sometimes he is being mean to you hoping that you will respond negatively (getting angry or showing some emotion) to justify his decision in ending the relationship. but seems you are acting maturely and being civil with him he cannot justify his decision (which is why he is nice one minute, and cold the next). And he could be wondering why you haven't contacted him since the split. I think dumpers at least half expect the dumpee to contact them several times after a break up.
Starleena Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I don't have an answer to why he's acting like this. I really don't know. I agree with HeartOfAPhoenix above, basically he's playing games by the sounds of it. So immature. You never know what this guys upbringing has been like either. Maybe he has issues, who knows. What you should be asking yourself. Do you really care? This guy sounds like an immature prick and you deserve a lot better. The BS he was giving to you to even break it off it just not right. It's not your fault and you haven't done anything wrong to deserve such childish behaviour. Is there a way you can work without talking to him? If he smiles or waves at you, be civil and do it back but if he doesn't.. just go on with your life. Who needs all the mind games and frustration he comes with, I know you don't.
0hpenelope Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I agree with a lot of the posters here, esposito. I think you've conducted yourself so well, with such class. Perhaps he really is upset that you're not showing him how affected you are by the break up; perhaps he's used to exes showing an ugly persona as a reaction from being rejected, but you've done nothing of the sort. "I dumped her! Why doesn't she feel bad?" etc. Of course these are all assumptions, but none of the perspectives that have been presented to you are far off from the truth and I don't think you'd want to talk to this guy just to ask him what his deal is. Until his attitude and demeanor towards you starts affecting the quality of your work (next project or whatever), he can carry on with his attitude and you can stay classy. There's a lot of freedom, by the way, in realizing as soon as possible that when someone doesn't want to be with us, we must believe them and not force ourselves on them. You are a very good example of this!
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