Starleena Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I'll try to make this short. I stayed with a loser that abused me for 4 years. I don't know why I stayed. Maybe I was hoping he'd change, maybe deep down inside I liked how he was... possessive, obsessive and controlling. The beatings didn't teach me a lesson.. a girl he had a one night stand with ended up getting pregnant. He hid her and ignored her until she basically was in her 3rd trimester. He broke down crying saying he "effed" (Can you swear on here? lol) up, he's sorry, stay with me blablabla she's a nobody to me blablabla. I told him she's somebody now since she's carrying your baby, nice knowing you and I never seen or spoke to him ever again. I moved in with a friend for a bit because he was the stalker come find me and beat me senseless type. I guess I never really got the closure I wanted. I didn't want him to know how much he hurt me so I just walked away hoping the pain and the thoughts would just go away in time. I think him not telling me for 8 months of her pregnancy killed me on the inside. I was in shock for a few days, shaking, crying. When I found out who the other girl was. I wanted to bleach and burn my downtown area off. Then the crying stopped but the thoughts haunted me. I had a lot of nightmares about him.. they slowly faded. Anyway. It's been 6 years and guess what. I'm having dreams about him, not nightmare-style anymore though. I'm assuming it's trauma? I hear it's normal but really, 6 years later? These dreams.. we are together.. and then out of no where he just disappears and I'm going all over the city trying to find him. Should I think anything of this? You think it's just my mind running wild while I sleep? No meaning behind it? Or do I need closure? Which isn't happening.. I never want to talk to him ever again. So much for this being short.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 maybe you do need closure, but that doesn't mean you need to seek him out or talk to him again... closure comes from within. I wouldn't over analyse it to much because they are only dreams.
WTRanger Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I doubt it's trauma related. If it was, you'd dream about the bad parts, or have dreams that were even worse than in reality what happened. If it is just random dreams, then it's something your sub conscious is bringing up and nothing to really be concerned about. After 6 years, what possible closure could you get? After all this time and everything you described, what could you possibly need to know that would make even the slightest positive impact on your life?
Author Starleena Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 I know right. People tell me I need to forgive him and I might stop dreaming about him but honestly, forgiving him isn't happening. Like you two have said, dreams are dreams. I'm just worrying too much.
WTRanger Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Well, before you completely rule out forgiveness, you need to define what you think forgiveness is. You don't ever have to tell him, you don't ever let him off the hook, but you accept it. You become at peace with it. 9-Steps to Forgive for Good http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/ Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years – ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.
Author Starleena Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Thank you so much. You have been so helpful.
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