Eirene Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Hi everyone I've been seeing a MM for about 8 months and recently it got to a point where I asked if he could take some action to progress his separation which he had frequently talked about wanting but done nothing about. As a result, he told me he & his W have agreed to separate but he doesn;t want to tell her about our A. I can see why he doesn;t want to, but I am concerned about what the implications might be of him not doing so. He has suggested several times that she probably knows he is seeing someone anyway but how can he know this when they have never discussed it? It seems contradictory to me that he says he thinks she knows, yet won;t approach the subject for fear of the consequences. My feelings and thoughts about what is happening are very mixed up to the point where we are not seeing each other at the moment, and I just need to try and get some perspective on this and other things.
Emme Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 What will that accomplish? Her knowing of your existence.
Silly_Girl Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I wonder if you're trying to secure your position, as opposed to caring if she knows. Are you hoping she'll leave him if she is forced to acknowledge your existence? My guy's wife knew about me for a while before he moved and she didn't like it but she was willing to share for a period of time. She was super-sweet and refused to acknowledge me. So her knowing may make no difference. It's you and he you need to focus on, in my view, if he's literally half-way out of the door (you said they've agreed to separate).
MissBee Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 If you're uncomfortable with the situation, it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do, you kinda have to just make a decision best for yourself versus forcing the hand of someone else. I can understand your confusion and frustration, and quite frankly I personally couldn't be bothered. The questions I ask myself in relationships, especially when they are new, is whether or not a particular behavior I am seeing points to something that may never change and can I really live with this? Is it no big deal or a red flag pointing to something that is indeed a huge deal. I put things through the Bullshyt Test....is this some bull or is it legit? The answers to those questions determine whether or not I stick around or make an exit, as the worst feeling for me is to be in some situation I was iffy about....ignore my feelings and persist with it and then it turns out exactly the way I thought it would...a mess. Then I want to kick myself.
MissBee Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 OP, I think you feel uneasy for a reason. Listen to your instincts. If he's going to leave his M, he'll do it with or without you. Let him do what he needs to do and get back with you when this is MUCH further along. It'll save you a lot of white knuckles. Ditto. Listening to your body and mind about feelings of uneasiness really pays off. You hardly ever feel uneasy for "no reason".
Spark1111 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Actually, it could make a lot of difference, but not in the way she's hoping. It very well may make the BS fight for the M. She may not want him now, but when she realizes someone else does, it could totally change things. Or, she could let him go like I did. Knowing why he was so distant was worth it. I thought I was losing my mind with his distant and cold behavior. When I discovered her, it was practically a relief as it explained HIM and his ACTIONS towards me. Did it hurt? Like hell. But the truth DID set me free. His feelings for another hurt waaay less than the his lies and deception did.
Spark1111 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Ditto. Listening to your body and mind about feelings of uneasiness really pays off. You hardly ever feel uneasy for "no reason". I agree with SIT and MB: Listen to your uneasiness. It IS trying to tell you something.
Silly_Girl Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Actually, it could make a lot of difference, but not in the way she's hoping. It very well may make the BS fight for the M. She may not want him now, but when she realizes someone else does, it could totally change things. That definitely happens. But if he's adamant it's over and he's leaving... It ought not matter.
BB07 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Sounds like cake eating...........all talk and no action. At the end of the day talk is cheap and not doing what you say you will shows character that is not attractive. It's fine to be understanding to a point but that line is a very fine line. Let someone go over it and it's eats you up and it also shows them that they can walk all over you. Listen to your gut.......
Author Eirene Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Thank you everyone. It's late so I am going to re-read tomorrow, but one thing is certain and that is I do feel unease here and in the past I haven;t been very good at listening to my instincts and it's something I'm trying to improve on. I have already decided that the right thing for me to do is to step back until things have progressed a bit further, and I feel more convinced than ever that this is the right thing to do.
Loni Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Hi everyone I've been seeing a MM for about 8 months and recently it got to a point where I asked if he could take some action to progress his separation which he had frequently talked about wanting but done nothing about. As a result, he told me he & his W have agreed to separate but he doesn;t want to tell her about our A. I can see why he doesn;t want to, but I am concerned about what the implications might be of him not doing so. He has suggested several times that she probably knows he is seeing someone anyway but how can he know this when they have never discussed it? It seems contradictory to me that he says he thinks she knows, yet won;t approach the subject for fear of the consequences. My feelings and thoughts about what is happening are very mixed up to the point where we are not seeing each other at the moment, and I just need to try and get some perspective on this and other things. No, he should not tell his wife IF he is leaving. What for? It sounds like you are trying to force things along and think that by telling her she will kick him out. Very rarely does that happen by the way and even if it does you will be the default option and not the chosen. If you were concerned for her well being and all this honesty crap you would have told her the first time he indicated he was receptive to an affair with you. I am all about doing what's best for you but I can pretty much guarantee you that boiling his bunny will backfire. He will go into marital damage control. I am going to say this kindly. He. Can. Talk. About. Separating. until rainbows appear in the toilet. Until he does it, files and you have ink it's just a vague maybe someday and he is just buying time to keep the affair going. Right now he is likely going Oh **** and feeling the walls closing in because people who are ready to leave just leave. They leave in the middle of the night, they leave at dawn, they leave at lunchtime, good God I left in the middle of a rinse cycle, but make no mistake; they leave under even the most effed up inconvenient times. I do appreciate that your MM is different and my response to that is. They all are dear.
MissBee Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) No, he should not tell his wife IF he is leaving. What for? It sounds like you are trying to force things along and think that by telling her she will kick him out. Very rarely does that happen by the way and even if it does you will be the default option and not the chosen. If you were concerned for her well being and all this honesty crap you would have told her the first time he indicated he was receptive to an affair with you. I am all about doing what's best for you but I can pretty much guarantee you that boiling his bunny will backfire. He will go into marital damage control. I am going to say this kindly. He. Can. Talk. About. Separating. until rainbows appear in the toilet. Until he does it, files and you have ink it's just a vague maybe someday and he is just buying time to keep the affair going. Right now he is likely going Oh **** and feeling the walls closing in because people who are ready to leave just leave. They leave in the middle of the night, they leave at dawn, they leave at lunchtime, good God I left in the middle of a rinse cycle, but make no mistake; they leave under even the most effed up inconvenient times. I do appreciate that your MM is different and my response to that is. They all are dear. I quite love your posts Loni! They are truthful and hilarious, but most importantly hit the nail on the head instead of skirting around the issue. Even when I disagree with your point of view, I find I still respect it and have to listen as your handle on situations doesn't seem to come from a place of denial or defensiveness, but you present a frank picture of your personal life as well as the matter at hand. I appreciate that while you are a testament of an affair "working out"...you have your bearings about you and have not turned into one who celebrates them, advocates them and lends blind support and "Amens" to posters, just because you have now joined some OW Turned Wife/Gf Club. Edited June 23, 2011 by MissBee
Loni Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I quite love your posts Loni! They are truthful and hilarious, but most importantly hit the nail on the head instead of skirting around the issue. Even when I disagree with your point of view, I find I still respect it and have to listen as your handle on situations doesn't seem to come from a place of denial or defensiveness, but you present a frank picture of your personal life as well as the matter at hand. I appreciate that while you are a testament of an affair "working out"...you have your bearings about you and have not turned into one who celebrates them, advocates them and lends blind support and "Amens" to posters, just because you have now joined some OW Turned Wife/Gf Club. Thank you MissBee.
fooled once Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Hi everyone I've been seeing a MM for about 8 months and recently it got to a point where I asked if he could take some action to progress his separation which he had frequently talked about wanting but done nothing about. As a result, he told me he & his W have agreed to separate but he doesn;t want to tell her about our A. I can see why he doesn;t want to, but I am concerned about what the implications might be of him not doing so. He has suggested several times that she probably knows he is seeing someone anyway but how can he know this when they have never discussed it? It seems contradictory to me that he says he thinks she knows, yet won;t approach the subject for fear of the consequences. My feelings and thoughts about what is happening are very mixed up to the point where we are not seeing each other at the moment, and I just need to try and get some perspective on this and other things. I personally think he and his wife have not talked separation and he is only telling you this because you have said you want him to leave his wife/divorce/whatever or you may end the affair. He is probably enjoying having 2 women giving him attention. If you want him to take action - tell him no more affair until he is divorced - NOT separated, but divorced. See what happens from them. If he cares about you, he would not ask you to continue to be a hidden secret. He has to know how much it bothers you to be a secret and that he really isn't showing you through ACTIONS he is truly leaving; you only have his word to go by. And since he has a track record of lying (to his wife), you naturally can't believe everything that he says.
Glinda Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Hi everyone I've been seeing a MM for about 8 months and recently it got to a point where I asked if he could take some action to progress his separation which he had frequently talked about wanting but done nothing about. As a result, he told me he & his W have agreed to separate but he doesn;t want to tell her about our A. I can see why he doesn;t want to, but I am concerned about what the implications might be of him not doing so. He has suggested several times that she probably knows he is seeing someone anyway but how can he know this when they have never discussed it? It seems contradictory to me that he says he thinks she knows, yet won;t approach the subject for fear of the consequences. My feelings and thoughts about what is happening are very mixed up to the point where we are not seeing each other at the moment, and I just need to try and get some perspective on this and other things. You were a secret as OW, how demeaning to continue being the secret "girlfriend"! I hope you have more respect for yourself to accept that kind of treatment. Oh, and against popular belief around here, BS (and their kids) are not stupid. They eventually figure it out then they have zero respect for you. ZERO.
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Hi everyone I've been seeing a MM for about 8 months and recently it got to a point where I asked if he could take some action to progress his separation which he had frequently talked about wanting but done nothing about. As a result, he told me he & his W have agreed to separate but he doesn;t want to tell her about our A. I can see why he doesn;t want to, but I am concerned about what the implications might be of him not doing so. He has suggested several times that she probably knows he is seeing someone anyway but how can he know this when they have never discussed it? It seems contradictory to me that he says he thinks she knows, yet won;t approach the subject for fear of the consequences. My feelings and thoughts about what is happening are very mixed up to the point where we are not seeing each other at the moment, and I just need to try and get some perspective on this and other things. He isn't separating, nor has he discussed anything with his wife. Your affair is just that. He isn't looking to leave his wife and divorce, he just wants an affair. That's why he hasn't said anything to her and he's spun a few lies to keep you hopeful. Please, do yourself a HUGE favour and break up with him. If he actually does love you enough, he WILL end his marriage and find you when he's divorced and able to 'date' you the right way. Yes, you love him, want him but he is not available, even though he's made it seem like he is, or about to be. His words mean NOTHING and you pushing him has made him react.
jwi71 Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 No, he should not tell his wife IF he is leaving. What for? It sounds like you are trying to force things along and think that by telling her she will kick him out. Very rarely does that happen by the way and even if it does you will be the default option and not the chosen. If you were concerned for her well being and all this honesty crap you would have told her the first time he indicated he was receptive to an affair with you. I am all about doing what's best for you but I can pretty much guarantee you that boiling his bunny will backfire. He will go into marital damage control. I am going to say this kindly. He. Can. Talk. About. Separating. until rainbows appear in the toilet. Until he does it, files and you have ink it's just a vague maybe someday and he is just buying time to keep the affair going. Right now he is likely going Oh **** and feeling the walls closing in because people who are ready to leave just leave. They leave in the middle of the night, they leave at dawn, they leave at lunchtime, good God I left in the middle of a rinse cycle, but make no mistake; they leave under even the most effed up inconvenient times. I do appreciate that your MM is different and my response to that is. They all are dear. I agree with this. IF he is leaving, and trust me its a HUGE if, then there is no point in telling his stbxw -it would be pointless. However, why aren't they DIVORCING? Why separate? Or is this just a semantic issue? And you need to ask some questions: When is he (or her) moving out? What will YOU do if that deadline is missed? If you think the ride is bumpy now...you have no idea what's in store for you...
Silly_Girl Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I do appreciate that your MM is different and my response to that is. They all are dear. I think it's an LS urban myth that OW think this. I hardly EVER see it said by an OW here. I know I said it at one point, long ago and I was told 'everyone thinks that!', maybe they think it but it's not often in an OW's OP.
Silly_Girl Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 ...... And since he has a track record of lying (to his wife), you naturally can't believe everything that he says. *like*
Loni Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I think it's an LS urban myth that OW think this. I hardly EVER see it said by an OW here. I know I said it at one point, long ago and I was told 'everyone thinks that!', maybe they think it but it's not often in an OW's OP. I was an OW for quite a few years. Believe me it is not an urban myth. There are all sorts of sites for people in affairs populated primarily by women. The stories are unique yet the same. Girl meets married boy who is unhappy in his marriage. He is staying for his kids, finances, W is unstable. I even heard a couple of stories that he is staying for the pets. Then there is the ever popular no sex. No one joins any of these sites unless they are sorting out demons and heavens knows I have my own. Really HOW are just that because people who are really happy and secure with what they have have no need for support boards. you can stick a smiley face emoticon on a post but it does not change the truth that by and large affairs suck for a single woman and the ripples spread far and wide. Forget about the W for a minute (I know not popular). Affairs even if they work out leave you with....issues. It's why I am here and why everyone else here is, well, here.
Silly_Girl Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I was an OW for quite a few years. Believe me it is not an urban myth. There are all sorts of sites for people in affairs populated primarily by women. The stories are unique yet the same. Girl meets married boy who is unhappy in his marriage. He is staying for his kids, finances, W is unstable. I even heard a couple of stories that he is staying for the pets. Then there is the ever popular no sex. I read here and I don't see lots of OW saying their guy is different and will definitely leave. I feel most know it's an enormous risk and they either take the risk or they don't. Or don't want them full-time.
OWoman Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I read here and I don't see lots of OW saying their guy is different and will definitely leave. I feel most know it's an enormous risk and they either take the risk or they don't. Or don't want them full-time. It's an interesting question. I've always been one of those who argues that ALL As are different. During the A, I was repeatedly told, "your MM is no different. They ALL say that. They all do the other. You'll see, nothing will come of this...." I always argued that my then-MM was NOT like that - I knew him, after all; those anonymous posters didn't, whatever they chose to believe about "ALL MMs being the same". Then he left, Dd the BW, we got M and suddenly the tune changed to "but your situation is different!" Before, he (and the situation) was "just the same as all the others". But because he did what I knew he would, suddenly he was no longer the same, then he became "different". Yet he was no different - he was still the same person I'd known all along. All that changed was the perception of anonymous readers on an internet forum. You can find similarities in almost any As (most feature a WS, a BS and an OP, for example) just as you can find the differences if you can be bothered to look. But because so many As turn out negatively, it becomes a convenient shorthand for some people to claim that ALL As must necessarily turn out negatively, ignoring those examples that don't - whether an OP's individual situation may more closely resemble the exceptions or the bulk. It's simply too much effort for some people to invest the interest to find out whether that individual's situation shares characteristics with "positive outcome" or "negative outcome" As, so they assume the latter because there is a statistically greater likelihood of things working out badly. Difference certainly exists and can be found by those who bother to look for it. Most don't.
OWoman Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 As a result, he told me he & his W have agreed to separate but he doesn;t want to tell her about our A. E, I notice that he only broached the topic in response to your demands for progress. Or rather, he reported to you that he'd broached the topic - I'm assuming you have only his word for that, at this stage? So now you're faced with some possibilities: * He hasn't told her anything, he's simply telling you that he has (but he's keeping the A quiet, to discourage you from contacting her) to keep you happy and prevent more demands for progress; OR * He felt compelled by your demands to raise the topic with his W, but he's framed it as "gently" as he can (it's a separation, not a D; it's "him", not her or the R, that's at fault; he needs "space" and time to figure himself out, etc) and made no mention of the A so that he's not burning any bridges while he figures out what he really really wants; OR * Your prompt served as a reminder, and he's getting his act together - but doesn't want to make things worse than they need be by mentioning the A. ... and probably other possibilities as well. Which seems most likely to you, based on the information you have, and his past and current behaviour?
Silly_Girl Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 SG, it comes with the territory. Logically most OP have to think this otherwise they would be able to see the relationship for what it is. If I had come on here without that belief and had read all the stories and thought my MM was like them, why would I have stayed? Why would I have defended him and his honor? So perhaps it isn't said, but the thought/feeling is most likely there and pointing it out is not in vain. I can't recount the number of times (when I was in the A) that someone would say something and I would think to myself "Not us. We're different." Hhmmmm. I see where you're coming from. But I still think there are many who a) are in it for the Now b) will stay 'in' because they prefer it to being 'out', much as they'd like more c) think he may well be like all the others and are half-expecting to be the next designated bus route d) they're destined together and meant to be I think many have hope they're different, yet know rationally it's not the most likely outcome.
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