Clubman35 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 So my wife of 14 years moved out about 2 weeks ago and things have totally sucked since she's been gone. I have been recently laid off from my job of 22 years so now I have nothing but time to sit around and think about things. I've begged her to come home, and always feel like a sissy when I do, but she refuses to come home right now. She tells me that we can't live together right now, but has agreed to go to counseling with me. Does that stuff ever work? Part of me wants to believe that she must still care about our marriage to be willing to work on it, but another part of me just feels like she doing it to say that she tried..... that's me, Mr. Pessimist.
coolheadal Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Don't know if it's me but what's up with 13 years and 14 years of marriage our wives or leaving us at this odd time. As for MC it depends on your marriage. Sounds like your wife has the upper hand like mine does. It might work for a few more years after that she might just leave again. Being a sissy not that awful. Just shows you care enough for her to come back. But once they pull out that driveway you can forget it things to be back as normal if they do return.
Linda9999 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Well, it definitely won't work if you don't do it. Whether it works or not depends entirely what you are hoping to get out of it. If you have unrealistic expectations you'll be let down.
What_Next Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Mindset in my opinion is a LARGE determining factor. I know in my own case I went in to our first batch of MC sessions with very unrealistic expectations. I came out of it massively disappointed. The second batch I went in with a negative attitude, the end result was a total disaster. Don't build it up too much, don't 'plan' or anything like that. Just go and give it a chance. It'll either work, or it won't. I know, I know, not really in depth but I think that about sums it up. Good luck.
Author Clubman35 Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Thanks, everybody. I'm just not sure what to expect from the counselor.... are they just going to ask a million questions and tell us it's too messed up to fix? I really will go into it with an open mind though....
Linda9999 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Counselors are all different. Sometimes it's hard to find one that will work for you. If you are both determined to do the work, though, keep looking till you find the right counselor.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 I think it does work- I know people it has worked for. Counselors are just like doctors though- find one you are comfortable with and that you feel is working for the best interest of the marriage as a whole. See another if the first is not working towards the common goal.
BetterDays Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Thanks, everybody. I'm just not sure what to expect from the counselor.... are they just going to ask a million questions and tell us it's too messed up to fix? I really will go into it with an open mind though.... The counselor I see is very hands on. He told me when I first called him that he's not like other counselors. He doesn't put a bandage of something and that he fixes things if they can be fixed. He's not an "uh huh, uh huh" type of person. What he said has held true. I have seen a few counselors but I have never worked with one like this. He is simply amazing. I feel better about myself after every appt with him. He's great at being the person I need to move on. But, if she had been willing to go through MC, I'm sure he would have completely changed his tune and tried to save our marriage. But she wasn't, so he's helping me get on with my life. Maybe stuff will work out with my wife and I and maybe it won't. But, I'm not going to wait around and put her on a pedestal. I'm just going to move on and if she wants to see me and be with me, then she's going to have to try really hard because I probably won't be interested any longer... soon.
BetterDays Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Thanks, everybody. I'm just not sure what to expect from the counselor.... are they just going to ask a million questions and tell us it's too messed up to fix? I really will go into it with an open mind though.... I just realized that I didn't answer you question. What happened for me was that I went alone the first time and it was mostly me telling my story. My spouse came with me the second time and it was her telling her story. The next meeting was her saying that she didn't want to do counseling any longer. The next few meetings have just been me telling the counselor what has been going on in my life and him telling me how awesome I am and giving advice. He's really good at doing that, so I don't mind that I could get similar support from my Mom. Seriously though, he's pretty amazing and has helped me a ton.
Woggle Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Very rarely and most of them are biased towards gender or the other.
BetterDays Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Very rarely and most of them are biased towards gender or the other. Had a bad counseling experience?
Woggle Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Had a bad counseling experience? Yes plus I know what other man have told me. No matter what she has done it always comes back around to it all being his fault. Either that or have the super religious counselors who want a woman to submit in the name of christ. Very rarely are you going to get an impartial person that will actually help a couple have a better relationship.
BetterDays Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Yes plus I know what other man have told me. No matter what she has done it always comes back around to it all being his fault. Either that or have the super religious counselors who want a woman to submit in the name of christ. Very rarely are you going to get an impartial person that will actually help a couple have a better relationship. Honestly, that's how I felt when my wife was in counseling and said "**** it." I felt really beat up because the counselor just wanted to focus on moving on. I felt like I had been betrayed.
RepairMinded Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Counseling won't be worth squat if there's another person in the mix that the spouse hasn't disclosed. Wives don't just walk out of a 10+ year marriage for "no reason" unless they are walking to someplace.
RepairMinded Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Mindset in my opinion is a LARGE determining factor. I know in my own case I went in to our first batch of MC sessions with very unrealistic expectations. I came out of it massively disappointed. The second batch I went in with a negative attitude, the end result was a total disaster. Don't build it up too much, don't 'plan' or anything like that. Just go and give it a chance. It'll either work, or it won't. I know, I know, not really in depth but I think that about sums it up. Good luck. Case in point. WhatNext's wife cheated on him, then he had a revenge affair. Clubman is it possible your wife has been or is being unfaithful?
What_Next Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 RepairMinded while your observation may be correct as it applies to my situation (the first attempted failed BOTH because my wife was still in an affair fog and my expectations were off base), to the point of the OP's question I can add that not every conselour is created equal. There are good ones and there are bad ones. In my case our first MC was quite young and inexperienced in my opinion. DO NOT be afraid to admit that your specific MC is just not for you. It's OK. In fact discuss it with them if you think so and have them recommend someone else. Good luck.
Author Clubman35 Posted June 24, 2011 Author Posted June 24, 2011 Clubman is it possible your wife has been or is being unfaithful? It's entirely possible. In fact, a few months ago, she's planned to get together with some friends she had gone to high school with. Something just didn't sit right with me.... I figured something was up. A few days later, I checked the computer and found out she had been talking to another friend about a guy from that reunion. I confronted her with it, telling her that I knew what was up, but saying that I didn't know all the details. I wasn't about to tell her what 'details' I actually knew and told her to start talking and if it went against what I did know, that things were just going to be worse. She confessed that she had kissed him a few times. I had at that point already found out who it was and got his cell phone number. I proceeded to call him with her sitting there.... she was not happy about that. He actually seems quite surprised saying that she told him that we were separated. I believe him. After that, she apologized and swore up and down that it was a mistake that would never happen again. Well, I didn't just fall out of a tree, so 2 weeks later I checked the cell phone records. They had text messaged back and forth over 200 times in that following two weeks. Everything just went to hell from there and it wasn't long before she found a house to rent (behind my back, I might add). There were numerous other lies that I would out about, not as severe as what I just mentioned, but lies none the less. The day she left, she called her parents and left them a message on their machine saying that, "She is fine, but had to leave because I hit her.".... which is a total lie. Her father called me when he received the message. Needless to say, he was not very happy. I said to him, "Frank, You've know me for 20 years, do you really think this is something I would do?". He said no and that's why he was surprised to hear that message. That phone conversation lasted about 2 hours.... and revealed many of the contradictions and lies that she had told both of us. I then proceeded to 3 way call her without her knowing that her father was on the other line. I asked her why she told them that I hit her, she denied saying it, at which point her father made his presence known. She didn't know what to do. She told her father (and mother who was now listening on another phone) that we could all f*ck off. We really don't know what's up with her. Perhaps she has some mental disorder (hope that's P.C. don't mean to offend anybody). I know she hasn't been happy the last couple of years, as our marriage (14 yrs) has always been tough, but I never expected her to just leave my son (13 yrs) and I. I really do love her still, and I can forgive people for mistakes if they are truly remorseful, but my patience are wearing thin.
What_Next Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 You know you are being trickletruth'd right? She is NOT telling the full truth. This sort of behavior is so common it's disturbing. Right from the cheaters handbook. They will hand out this trickle of information like a trail of cookies. My own wife did the same thing when I first found her OM's number, just a 'friend'. Right. She was so deep inside a fog though she couldn't see straight. Given this new information you would be better off getting a hammer or other implement of destruction and pounding your hand than going to any MC right now. Unless she is 100% OUT of the affair fog ANY MC is just a waste of time, effort and money. Exposure to the light of day helps lift that fog. Not that you already haven't been through the wringer, but strap in, it's about to get bumpy.
GorillaTheater Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 Unless she is 100% OUT of the affair fog ANY MC is just a waste of time, effort and money. Exposure to the light of day helps lift that fog. Not that you already haven't been through the wringer, but strap in, it's about to get bumpy. Absolutely agree. And nevermind the fog at this point, it sounds like she's still in an active affair. MC would be a total waste. IC for you, however, might be a plan, but that's up to you. Very well done, having your FIL on the phone while speaking to your W.
2sunny Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) Absolutely agree. And nevermind the fog at this point, it sounds like she's still in an active affair. MC would be a total waste. IC for you, however, might be a plan, but that's up to you. Very well done, having your FIL on the phone while speaking to your W. i agree with this. you can't work on the marriage IF she isn't willing to repair the damage she is doing/has done. her response to being outed in front of her parents shows she's not going to give up her affair person... no way... not as long as you make life comfortable for her while she continues the affair. so kick her out! change the locks... and let her figure things out for a long while. oops - sorry - i see now that she IS out. so stop contacting her. don't give in to any of her demands or requests at this point. she may see the damage she is causing and the life she will live while struggling... meanwhile - start taking care of YOU... and your child. Edited June 24, 2011 by 2sunny
Linda9999 Posted June 24, 2011 Posted June 24, 2011 i agree with this. you can't work on the marriage IF she isn't willing to repair the damage she is doing/has done. her response to being outed in front of her parents shows she's not going to give up her affair person... no way... not as long as you make life comfortable for her while she continues the affair. so kick her out! change the locks... and let her figure things out for a long while. oops - sorry - i see now that she IS out. so stop contacting her. don't give in to any of her demands or requests at this point. she may see the damage she is causing and the life she will live while struggling... meanwhile - start taking care of YOU... and your child. And I agree with this!
Recommended Posts