Suspicions

[betrayed52]

I am 52 & my H is 48. We have been married for nearly 30 years & I recently found out that he had been having an A with a girl in her 30s, which in itself disgusts me as our daughters are not many years younger. He seemed really remorseful & disgusted with himself & has been making every effort to work on our M & told me he is well over the AP. But for some reason I still suspect that they are in touch & I don't know what to do. I ask him if they are talking but he just denies it, I occasionally look at his phone, but there's nothing suspicious.

 

He swears blind that he's never done anything like this before & certainly I've never had need to suspect before but now it's hard to know what to think. Is there a way to move past this? I hate to think my M is at risk because of this girl (who I detest) & my weak H.

[OldOnTheInside]

Your feelings are quite natural.

 

Have you considered going to marriage counselling?

[betrayed52]

Not so far. Whenever he's out I grow suspicious & it's so hard. We argue about it & her every single day. But I really don't want to give up on this M, it's been my whole life. He tells me that she pursued him & he couldn't resist her but it's hard to know what to believe for sure.

[Linda9999]

When was D day? Is he completely transparent to you now (do you have access to his computer, emails, facebook, bank accounts, everything?) Does he answer all your questions without getting upset? Is he truly remorseful?

 

If no to any of those Q's then you have every reason to be suspicious. It's also quite unlikely that you'll remain together without MC.

[betrayed52]

When was D day? Is he completely transparent to you now (do you have access to his computer, emails, facebook, bank accounts, everything?) Does he answer all your questions without getting upset? Is he truly remorseful?

 

If no to any of those Q's then you have every reason to be suspicious. It's also quite unlikely that you'll remain together without MC.

 

D day was in March. He isn't on facebook. He has promised to show me any emails or texts he receives from her & there were several in the few weeks after I found out but nothing since & now he denies getting anything else. I don't really get to see his laptop unless I ask because he uses it for work. He answers my many questions but often stops to think of an answer, which annoys me as it seems to me like he's hiding something by doing that. I believe it has truly upset him to see me so hurt but I can't help but think he's sometimes telling me what he thinks I want to hear eg I know they both told each other that they loved each other but quite soon afterwards he said his feelings had gone, but I'm really not convinced.

 

What makes you say we won't sort it for ourselves without MC?

[Spark1111]

Ninety-five percent of all BS will initially take back a WS.

 

It is what you do after the discovery of the affair partner that determines if the marriage will succesfully recover.

 

It can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity.

 

I have read that if the Wandering Spouse is truly remorseful, is truly transparent and gives you the passwords to all his accounts and cell phones, bank statements, etc., and has absolutely No Contact (NC) with the former AP, a marriage has an 87% chance or recovering.

 

The key is to communicate about it all. Does he answer every question you ask him? Whenever you ask it? Has he formulated a timeline of events leading up to and during the affair?

 

Does he know WHY he had the affair? (here is where MC is very important.)

 

It takes a long time to restore the trust that was broken by an affair.

 

Your feelings are normal. He needs to go out of his way to restore your trust.

 

Trust your intuition. If you feel in your gut there is additional contact, there might be. What would convince you there wasn't?

 

Many spouses write a NC letter and send it, with the BS's approval, certified to the AP.

 

Are they in a position to still contact each other? Many reccommend spyware such as installing a keylogger on the computer, a tracking device on the car, a voice activated recording device in his car, etc. etc.

 

Only you know what will reassure you it is completely over.

 

But be smart here. Why would a 30 year-old engage with a 50 year old? Why pursue him? Is he wealthy? Did he pretend to be? Did he buy her gifts, dinners, trips?

 

Have you gotten access to the cell phone bills and bank statements?

 

Maybe you should. Maybe that would help to reassure you.

[betrayed52]

Ninety-five percent of all BS will initially take back a WS.

 

It is what you do after the discovery of the affair partner that determines if the marriage will succesfully recover.

 

It can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years to heal from infidelity.

 

I have read that if the Wandering Spouse is truly remorseful, is truly transparent and gives you the passwords to all his accounts and cell phones, bank statements, etc., and has absolutely No Contact (NC) with the former AP, a marriage has an 87% chance or recovering.

 

The key is to communicate about it all. Does he answer every question you ask him? Whenever you ask it? Has he formulated a timeline of events leading up to and during the affair?

 

Does he know WHY he had the affair? (here is where MC is very important.)

 

It takes a long time to restore the trust that was broken by an affair.

 

Your feelings are normal. He needs to go out of his way to restore your trust.

 

Trust your intuition. If you feel in your gut there is additional contact, there might be. What would convince you there wasn't?

 

Many spouses write a NC letter and send it, with the BS's approval, certified to the AP.

 

Are they in a position to still contact each other? Many reccommend spyware such as installing a keylogger on the computer, a tracking device on the car, a voice activated recording device in his car, etc. etc.

 

Only you know what will reassure you it is completely over.

 

But be smart here. Why would a 30 year-old engage with a 50 year old? Why pursue him? Is he wealthy? Did he pretend to be? Did he buy her gifts, dinners, trips?

 

Have you gotten access to the cell phone bills and bank statements?

 

Maybe you should. Maybe that would help to reassure you.

 

He did establish NC for sure after D day but he did speak to her a few weeks ago, I know because he told me, but since then he swears they are not in touch.

 

I don't know how he found the time before but he did, so there's no reason why he couldn't do so again. He runs hid own business so does have freedom to a certain extent & although he phones me to let me know where he is, obviously he could be lying (as he was before).

 

He answers my questions but still is adamant that he doesn't know why he did it. He flips between saying she threw herself at him & refusing to blame her. He is reasonably wealthy but he denies point blank that he bought her gifts but I don't believe him. I do have access to his phone bills but I half suspect he's got another cell phone, but have no real proof.

 

I really don't know what would convince me that they're not back in the A, but I'm just not convinced that they aren't. I can't believe that the man I've given my whole life to has done this to me.

[Linda9999]

Please ignore Mr Harris. He isn't here to help you.

 

I say that about MC because it's hard enough to deal with the regular ups and downs of marriage without adding the trauma of infidelity to the equation. Infidelity is often a death blow to a marriage - if you do remain together, as we have, the marriage you had is gone forever and you have to start from scratch. You both have to be determined to make it work, and MC is an invaluable tool in your arsenal. There are many others - reading, IC, etc all help as well, but you have to BOTH want the marriage to begin anew. Even just his willingness to do the MC goes a long way towards restoring trust eventually.

 

What Spark said is bang on.

[silktricks]

He did establish NC for sure after D day but he did speak to her a few weeks ago, I know because he told me, but since then he swears they are not in touch.

 

I don't know how he found the time before but he did, so there's no reason why he couldn't do so again. He runs hid own business so does have freedom to a certain extent & although he phones me to let me know where he is, obviously he could be lying (as he was before).

Would he be willing to have the GPS in his phone monitored? Most of the cell companies provide the ability to track the location of a phone.

 

He answers my questions but still is adamant that he doesn't know why he did it. He flips between saying she threw herself at him & refusing to blame her. He is reasonably wealthy but he denies point blank that he bought her gifts but I don't believe him. I do have access to his phone bills but I half suspect he's got another cell phone, but have no real proof.

The bold may be true in some respects. A lot of time we don't really know the root of why we do things. That is why counseling is helpful. It can help us uncover some of the causes. Whether she threw herself at him or not, it was still his choice to have the affair. So him being unwilling to blame her isn't necessarily a bad thing. If he always and immediately triggers into protecting her from you, though. That would not be good.

 

I really don't know what would convince me that they're not back in the A, but I'm just not convinced that they aren't. I can't believe that the man I've given my whole life to has done this to me.

How long has the affair been over according to your husband? Did he stop because you found out, or had it already ended before you discovered it?

 

Is he being open with you? That is crucial to regaining trust. If his answers to your questions carry consistency and he doesn't hide, over time that helps. Time is your friend, as it truly does heal things. You also need to take your time. You don't need to make any decisions right now. You need to first see if you want to try to rebuild your marriage. It's hard to make that decision when you feel pretty well bloodied, so don't try to force yourself in any direction.

[Kidd]

Forget trying to use any transparency tools that you've even suggested to him that you might try. They can just circumvent it (like his cell phone...duh) For me, I said nothing and bought a GPS device for the car. Ran $220. Snuck it in overnight. Leave it a few days. Pull it later. Download the data. Caught my wife the first time I used it. Could see he car had pulled into the porte cochere at a hotel for 10 mins, then the car does a lap around the building, then sits in the lot for 2 hours from 10pm to midnight. Will get your questions answered at least for that date range. For about $450, you can get a live GPS to see where it is now. Your sanity is worth it. And it is also a chance for him to prove he's been faithful.