superchiefs Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 So my fiance broke up with me 2 months ago. I keep cutting off contact with her, but then whenever she sends me a message, I keep responding. The last message she sent me was this past Sunday after 11 straight days of no contact and she told me she missed my friendship and she missed me as someone to talk to. I ended up responding back, and before I knew it, we had a 2.5 hour conversation. She indicated she was hanging out with another guy but he wasnt her boyfriend. However, she specifically told me that she did love me and she still does love me, but she just wasnt ready for marriage and wasnt ready to back things up at the time that she broke things off with me. I didnt ask her anything about getting back together. She ended the conversation with me by saying she thinks it was a mistake contacting me and that she needed to go to bed. So now I have gone a little over 3 days with no contact with her again. For whatever reason, I still want to be with her. So what should I do?
OhMittens Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Cut off all contact until you heal. From what I'm reading she is stringing you along and making sure she has you just incase she wants you at some point.
Ajax Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 I know you've been having a tough time coping with the breakup, and it's understandable that you still want her back right now. But I've read your posts, and from the sounds of it, this girl has some serious issues to work through. Rather than do things with the hope that she'll come back, I think it's time to start doing things to help you to start getting better yourself. If she came back now do you think the relationship could be put back the way it was? Would you even want to? Wouldn't you constantly have your guard up, wondering when she would leave again? She may be a good person, and she was an important part of your life for a long time. But she's not good for you now.
geegirl Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 She ended the conversation with me by saying she thinks it was a mistake contacting me and that she needed to go to bed. So now I have gone a little over 3 days with no contact with her again. For whatever reason, I still want to be with her. So what should I do? We all want to be with our ex's Super. But how do we do that when they don't want to be with us? She's saying all the right words to keep you there. She says the words then she backs it up with I should not have contacted you. Throw the fishing line out. You bite. She reels you in and unhooks you and throws you back in the water. There you swim waiting for her to throw the line out again. Over and over and over again. You must be tired of this, are you not? You still want to be with her because you are emotionally attached. That is all. It's like a drug. You need the fix. She is all you know and that's the only thing that will satisfy your fix. What you are going through is normal. My ex was the monster of all monsters and you know what, 6 months after our breakup, I still want him some days. Key here is some days because my brain has taken over and is now realizing what the R was and who he was. 6 months ago, he could have held a pitchfork, sprouted horns and a forked tongue and I would have still proclaimed undying devotion and love. Because I was in love. Emotionally attached, hooked, blinded, whatever you want to call it. Just like you are now. You can't see straight. It's normal. You have to feel the bad and painful emotions. They will come in waves. They will come and stay. They will confuse you, depress you, etc. Let it come. Feel it. Process it. Cry, rage, whatever you need to do. YOU MUST NOT REACT AND CONTACT. That's the only condition.
Mack05 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Super how many threads have you posted the past few weeks? You have gotten great advice yet you seem determined not to help yourself!!!!!. The girl is suffering from depression. I promise you (from a guy that actually suffered from depression) if you stay with her, she will drag you down more and more. I know you have history and I know it's hard to let go but if you don't let go then you are going to end up hurting alot more then you are now. Not only that you will waste months, possibily years of your life. Is that what you want? She has a disease and it's going to take time to beat it. Some people never beat it. You need to break your addiction to her. Your addictive logic is working over normal logic. Break the vicious cycle that you are in. EVERY person on this site has told you to remain NC. This is normal logic. Listen to us and save yourself a world of extra pain and grief..Seriously mate there should be no more threads from you. If you want to help yourself then stop doing this to yourself! There are loads of books out there to help you. I would also consider therapy. I don't want to sound rude but you are not thinking clearly and there is any so much advice you can receive. When are you actually going to act on it??
Author superchiefs Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Ajax, you are correct, this girl does have some serious issues to work through right now, especially depression. If she came back now, no I would not want the relationship to be put back the way it was because that relationship failed. I would want more communication to happen between the two of us. She indicated this past Sunday that she believes that a lack of communication between the two of us was the main reason it failed and her regret was that it took her breaking things off with me for me to see it. As for being worried that she would leave me again, I would not have that concern as long as she would be willing to see a couples therapist at least every couple of months with me. I agree, at this exact moment, she has a lot of problems and she is not good for me. However, if she is able to resolve her depression issues in the next couple of months, then I would like to have a good chance of getting her back. So I am asking what the best thing I can do to accomplish that would be.
Mack05 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 So you going to live your life in the 5-6 months hoping/praying once your ex recovers from depression that she will want to be with you again....Some people don't want to be helped...(:
geegirl Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Mack is right. I told you how my ex-husband's depression pulled me down with him. I lost myself, lost focus and even at one point wanted to end my life. I would wake up every morning and as soon as the light would hit my eyes, this same daily thought would run through my head, "God, not another day, how do I live with this man for the rest of my life. But he's sick, I have to because I love him." And there I was, as unhealthy as he was, emotionally, mentally and physically. I went from being a daily runner, weighing 120lbs to a couch potato weighing 180lbs. And in the end I couldn't help him. And he said that no one could have helped him. You don't want to be in that situation Super. Quit romanticizing her and your relationship. Start thinking with your head and being realistic. When you say, "I want her back." Ask yourself what is it that you want back. Look at her realistically. Remember what she did to you. Do say, "I want her back" and then drift into fantasy land. Start getting a grip and really analyzing the realities of your ex and the R. NC is not used to just sit around and mope and wish for the ex to come back. It's what you do with this time that will determine how fast you heal, but most of all it's a great teacher.
Author superchiefs Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) Thanks Geegirl for the great response as it definitely made sense to me. Mack05, posting all of the threads about my situation and getting advice has helped me with not contacting her quite so much. Without posting these threads, I believe that I would be contacting her without her contacting me. Now I just have to keep searching for the strength to not respond to her when she contacts me. So far I have gone over 3 days of NC, so hopefully I can maintain it from here on out, but I know it is going to be hard when she reaches out to me again to not respond. Several posters on here told me that the next time she contacts me, I should post what she says on here and get advice from fellow LSer's before responding to her. Also, I have been seeing a therapist. He has also been seeing her. He has told me that he believes the two of us can have a good relationship, but we both have issues we need to deal with first. He also said that I need to not make myself so available to her. I am doing my best to follow the advice that is given to me here. Edited June 23, 2011 by superchiefs
Author superchiefs Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 So you going to live your life in the 5-6 months hoping/praying once your ex recovers from depression that she will want to be with you again....Some people don't want to be helped...(: No, that is not how I am going to live my life. However, I would like for there to be an opportunity for a future relationship with her to happen.
Author superchiefs Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Do you think medication would have helped your ex husband GeeGirl? What I want back is the kind hearted girl that I know she is capable of being. Also, during my NC time, I have been trying to keep myself very active. I have even been working on going on dates.
geegirl Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 No, that is not how I am going to live my life. However, I would like for there to be an opportunity for a future relationship with her to happen. Then stop focusing on her and start dealing with your issues. Live you own life, focus on your own growth and let her figure out her path. Keep yourselves separate from each other. If and when the time comes and you're meant to come together, you will. If that is what you would like to happen, being in contact with her ruins every chance of that happening.
geegirl Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Do you think medication would have helped your ex husband GeeGirl? What I want back is the kind hearted girl that I know she is capable of being. Also, during my NC time, I have been trying to keep myself very active. I have even been working on going on dates. He was on medication and sometimes it made him worse. Then he would stop taking and then he'd go back to square one. Then he would try something different, it would work and he would feel good and then he'd stop because he felt good, then crash again. Up and down and down and up. I was ragged. It's not just medication. He was hoping meds would take it away. But it's also about how much you really want to cure yourself and how determined you are about being consistent not only with meds but also with changing your state of mind and body.
Graceful Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 However, she specifically told me that she did love me and she still does love me, but she just wasnt ready for marriage and wasnt ready to back things up at the time that she broke things off with me. I didnt ask her anything about getting back together. She ended the conversation with me by saying she thinks it was a mistake contacting me and that she needed to go to bed. So now I have gone a little over 3 days with no contact with her again. For whatever reason, I still want to be with her. So what should I do?The problem I have is that (see your words above) if "for whatever reason" isn't even something you can articulate, how can you expect anyone here to endorse the idea you want to be with her? What are the reasons? She doesn't want to marry you. SO what difference does anything else make? Once an engagement is broken, there is no turning back. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her if I were you. She'd just dump you again. I'd put money on it. You don't have any reasons, do you? None that make any sense. Other than the fact you are in pain and feel rejected, you honestly have no idea why you want to be with her? Whatever? Well, that's lame in my book. Additionally, you came on the LS board in early June, just a few weeks ago, and said you were ready to move on. You have stated this girl does not love you any more. She does not want to marry you, and sadly, that she has mental instability and emotional problems. So honestly. You want to be with her. Then good luck. This board is not doing you any good, since no one has encouraged you to try for a second chance. We've all told you to keep NC and detach. So do what you have to do. And post in Second Chances if that's what you're looking for. I don't endorse them, quite obviously, and think you're fooling yourself for wanting to pursue your ex again. Best of luck and take care.
Mack05 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Superchiefs you need to grieve the relationship. Most experts that I have been reading about, say there should be a minimum 60 days NC. For those 60 days, I would write a journal, write her letters you never send. You shouldn't spend those 60 days obsessing about her, and wondering if you are going to get back together. You should use these 60 days to heal yourself. Focusing on you and you alone. Read self help books, go to the gym, hang out with friends and family more. Heck even go on a date or two. If you stay NC for 60 days, I promise you things will be much clearer in your head. Right now you are not thinking clearly. You may think you are but you are not. She is suffering from depression, so staying in contact is damaging for you. Now is the time to break the toxic cycle..Remember I am on your side, sorry if I sound harsh..
Author superchiefs Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Graceful, can anyone really say what makes them want to be with another person? Every person I have ever spoken with about being in love has always said things such as, I love their smile, I love their kindness, I love how they treat me, etc... Well I love all of those things about this girl and while she doesnt have most of those things right now, I believe that she is capable of getting them back some day. And yes, in early June, I was going on over a week's worth of NC and I was moving on from her. But now here we are several weeks later and I find myself still wanting to be with her. I have spoken with several people that have said that they have seen instances where 2 people break up, make changes and then get back together with a very strong stable relationship. I have made changes to myself, working on my communication skills. Now I am just curious to see if she will do the same.
Author superchiefs Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 Mack05, ok, I am going to try my hardest to go 60 days of NC. However, I know I am going to probably be thinking about getting back with her during that time, there isnt really any way around that. I can tell myself I am not going to get back with her, but making myself believe that is a whole new ball game. I will also have to invest in some self help books, do you have any recommendations? I read a book titled Boundaries and found it very useful in understanding why the relationship I was in failed. I know I am probably not thinking straight and I appreciate your help and everyone else's on this forum. Also, I know that every time she contacts me, I get damaged because I feel it. You dont sound harsh at all to me.
geegirl Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Graceful, can anyone really say what makes them want to be with another person? Every person I have ever spoken with about being in love has always said things such as, I love their smile, I love their kindness, I love how they treat me, etc... Well I love all of those things about this girl and while she doesnt have most of those things right now, I believe that she is capable of getting them back some day. And yes, in early June, I was going on over a week's worth of NC and I was moving on from her. But now here we are several weeks later and I find myself still wanting to be with her. I have spoken with several people that have said that they have seen instances where 2 people break up, make changes and then get back together with a very strong stable relationship. I have made changes to myself, working on my communication skills. Now I am just curious to see if she will do the same. You must never compare yourself to "instances". Believing you are an exception to the rule is detrimental to you. Hope is nice but it also keeps you stuck. Like I said, stop being curious about her. What you need to be doing is DETACHING in every way, shape or form.
Graceful Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Mature reasons for getting engaged should involve more than a smile, kindness and how they treat you. How about your core values? Trust? Supportiveness? Reliability? Self knowledge? Being there for you through thick and thin? Communication? This girl does not sound capable of any of that -- not for the time being, or the forseeable future. She's not capable because she is broken inside and needs help that has nothing to do with you, and that you can't fix. So if you are prepared to wait for a very long time, that's up to you. It's a crap shoot at best. Personally, I don't buy any of it. You've been with her for 5 years and if you don't have it together by now, you're now officially spinning your wheels and refuse to get off a merry-go-round of your own doing. Of course people get back together, a very very low percentage, I might add, that do it successfully. So again, if you want to hold out hope, who can argue with that? But you keep asking the same questions here and we keep giving you the same answers, so you're obviously not interested in doing what you're being encouraged to do. I have no problem with what you're doing, if that's what you believe, and you're not accountable to us anyhow, you're accountable to yourself. Again, best of luck. My unvarnished truthfful opinion is that you're in a great deal of denial, this girl is not well and is not right for you. But if you have to see this through, then by all means, do so. But stop asking people who disagree with you, because I just don't get why you are asking when you already know what we're going to say. Once an engagement is broken, IMHO, there is no turning back. If someone breaks an engagement at the drop of a hat, that to me is the biggest RED FLAG you're ever going to get as far as what your future would hold and how devoted that person is to you. You break an engagement? Hurt someone horribly? Cry, carry on, are confused, and then want to come back at a later date? Not to me. But it's your life, you know, not mine. Graceful, can anyone really say what makes them want to be with another person? Every person I have ever spoken with about being in love has always said things such as, I love their smile, I love their kindness, I love how they treat me, etc... Well I love all of those things about this girl and while she doesnt have most of those things right now, I believe that she is capable of getting them back some day. And yes, in early June, I was going on over a week's worth of NC and I was moving on from her. But now here we are several weeks later and I find myself still wanting to be with her. I have spoken with several people that have said that they have seen instances where 2 people break up, make changes and then get back together with a very strong stable relationship. I have made changes to myself, working on my communication skills. Now I am just curious to see if she will do the same.
Mack05 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 (edited) Super your not thinking clearly mate. If you were then you would know at least 60 days NC is a must. Even if you do get back together there is no guarentee it will work out. Sometimes a long term couple break up and get back together because they are scared by single life in the real world. There are wrong reasons to get back with someone and most of these relationships end very bitterly. This relationship looks dead to me but you seem to hope the good days will return. The probability is that the good days are gone but you refuse to accept that. The success rate of a couple breaking up and then getting back together can't be good. The 60 days NC is recommended because that gives you the distance you need to figure things out. How I was after 3 days NC, compared to 60 is the difference between night and day. If you get your wish and you do get back together when things weren't properly resolved from before, I think is a receipe for disaster. I think you will both be kidding yourself. I mean do you really want to move forward, knowing this woman did not want to be with you. You looking for excuses for her. "She has depression, when she doesn't then everything will be great again". Sadly life doesn't work like that. I see you heading straight for a trainwreck mate. I hope I am wrong.. Edited June 23, 2011 by Mack05
Mack05 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Mature reasons for getting engaged should involve more than a smile, kindness and how they treat you. How about your core values? Trust? Supportiveness? Reliability? Self knowledge? Being there for you through thick and thin? Communication? This girl does not sound capable of any of that -- not for the time being, or the forseeable future. She's not capable because she is broken inside and needs help that has nothing to do with you, and that you can't fix. So if you are prepared to wait for a very long time, that's up to you. It's a crap shoot at best. Personally, I don't buy any of it. You've been with her for 5 years and if you don't have it together by now, you're now officially spinning your wheels and refuse to get off a merry-go-round of your own doing. Of course people get back together, a very very low percentage, I might add, that do it successfully. So again, if you want to hold out hope, who can argue with that? But you keep asking the same questions here and we keep giving you the same answers, so you're obviously not interested in doing what you're being encouraged to do. I have no problem with what you're doing, if that's what you believe, and you're not accountable to us anyhow, you're accountable to yourself. Again, best of luck. My unvarnished truthfful opinion is that you're in a great deal of denial, this girl is not well and is not right for you. But if you have to see this through, then by all means, do so. But stop asking people who disagree with you, because I just don't get why you are asking when you already know what we're going to say. Once an engagement is broken, IMHO, there is no turning back. If someone breaks an engagement at the drop of a hat, that to me is the biggest RED FLAG you're ever going to get as far as what your future would hold and how devoted that person is to you. You break an engagement? Hurt someone horribly? Cry, carry on, are confused, and then want to come back at a later date? Not to me. But it's your life, you know, not mine. Great Post...Please listen to what people are saying to you mate. You are NOT thinking clearly
Mack05 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Best self help book I have come across is -> http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284. After one chapter you will realise that this relationship is not good for you. Another great book is -> http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your-Addiction-Person/dp/0553382497..Last A good book on willpower -> http://www.amazon.com/Willpowers-Not-Enough-Recovering-Addictions/dp/0060919698/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1308846418&sr=1-1. This will give you idea's on how to stay strong. Super if you continue in therapy, read these books (especially the first two) and maintain 60 days NC, I would be MASSIVELY proud of you...That is the correct action. But your not thinking clearly, so I know my advice is going in one ear and out the next..
GivenUp0083 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Super, I know this is hard and it sucks. I was with my girl and in mad love with her after 5 months and she dropped me. I can't imagine what a breakup is like after being engaged. I felt I got over my ex a little faster than most people usually do (even though I still want what we had and miss having someone at my side at times), and this is how I did it: 1. I grieved. I mourned. I cried, and was angry, and missed her....but I vented it. I told my friends and family what happened and what she did and I got it out of my system. I vented here on these forums. Many times I wanted to contact her, and I tried to use every possible justification I could to do so....but when it came down to it I just couldn't dial the number or send the email. I couldn't push the button. 2. You can't mourn and grieve over this until you accept the fact that she's gone. You need to tell yourself it's over, she's never coming back, she dropped you, if she loved you how could she put you through this pain? People who love each other don't do this to the people they love. If anything, if she thought there was a chance she would want you back, doing this to you should worry her about scaring you off and losing you. You gotta tell yourself it's over and take it one day at a time. Time heals. I was at a point that I didn't think I'd ever get over it, and part of me still wants what we had to be back again, but I confidently know now that I want nothing to do with her for the rest of my life and I ignore any and all attempts she makes to contact me. There's nothing she can say to win me back over. I will remember how I felt, how she treated me, and what she put me through and know that I NEVER want to feel this way again. If you can't trust her not to do that again, what point is there to being in a relationshp with them? When you love someone, you place a fragile piece of your soul in their hands. The ones that decide to crush that piece of you should never be allowed that trust ever again.
Mack05 Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 When you love someone, you place a fragile piece of your soul in their hands. The ones that decide to crush that piece of you should never be allowed that trust ever again. Well said.
zerovandez Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 You're not accepting reality. Quickly realize the following: 1) She doesn't love you enough to come back for good. 2) She HAS someone else 3) She will kiss and get intimate with other guys. Yes, guyS! 4) She needs this alone time to grow You need to tell yourself that it's over and over for good.
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