Ex broke no contact and i messed up. But is she just messing with me???

[DeadlyAvenger]

Hi Guys this thread is related to one i posted before: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273729/

 

But to summarize....basically I met a girl online exactly this time last year (girl A), but I was talking to an ex at the same time trying to reconcile(very stupid i know). but continued see girl A, as i did quite like her (although i had a few small doubts about her). But for the first few months my judgement was totally messed up by the situation with the ex and therefore didn’t really appreciate girl A at all.

 

I also continued to talk to other girls from the dating site, i guess my doubts about this girl and the hurt of the ex situation just made me want to keep looking for something better...which in hindsight is the most stupid thing ive ever done in my life.

 

But basically I know I really hurt her, she was really keen and wanted a serious relationship, where as i wasn’t sure, wanted an open (ish) relationship, wasn’t committed etc. But she put up with me for 6 months, because that’s how much she cared for me and wanted to be with me. Anyway we agreed to be just friends beginning of this year. She was meeting other guys, which did kinda hurt when she told me, but it was only fair obviously, and i was meeting other girls etc.

 

But the less i saw her, the more i got to realise how special she was, and how much i was missing her. But then she then told me in April she was getting to know someone seriously and this really did hurt me and wake me up. And additionally she said she only saw me as a friend now.

I then did a lot of the classic mistakes of begging her back, driving down unannounced to see her to speak to her, telling her how much i missed her, that i loved her etc etc.

 

Anyway in May i got a text saying that she was really happy with this new guy and that she had moved on we should stop speaking (for my sake). I agreed to not speak to her anymore. I can honestly have never been so devastated in my life. And it was the hardest time of my life for the next few weeks.

(btw she made a point in text to say how much this guy cared for her and loved her in her text?).

 

Anyway i didn’t think I’d hear from her for a while, if ever, but just 3 weeks of no contact, she said hi to me on MSN! I didnt reply that night because i missed seeing the message and i wasnt sure if i should reply or not anyway!

 

I sent a slightly cold txt response the following day saying:

“Sorry i missed your msg. Hope your OK”

 

She replied with:

“Hi no worries, though id just say say hi and see how you were ”

 

I replied following day:

“hey im good thanks. How are you, u ok?”

 

She replied instantly:

“Morning, yeah im good thanks”

 

I replied 12 hours later:

“hows work going at the moment?”

 

This lead to an nice exchange of about four texts, where she asked me some questions about my life. But then i kinda cut off the conversation abruptly and said good night, guess, i wanted to play it kool with her. But she still replied with a really nice “good night” text

 

I got some real bad advice (off a female incidentally) who said i should apologise for ending text conversation abrubtly. So the following night (incidently the Saturday night just gone) i text:

“sorry about last night, i was falling asleep. How are you, did you get all your work done?”

 

She replied:

“Im out tonight, have the whole weekend free as i did all my work yesterday!”

 

I replied:

“So you got anything exciting planned with all this free time?” I’ve got my niece and nephew round this weekend and going car shopping tomorrow”

 

......And then no reply to this text! its now Thursday.

 

And yes i know i played it too keen and interested (damn that bad advice!)

 

I should point out that I know she used the dating site for the first time in a while at the same time this was all going on. But for all i know she is still talking to this guy or another guy and was out on a date that same night as the last text.

 

My question is why did she break NC if it was her idea in the first place? Is she doing this for:

•Ego boost...i .e. see if im still interested and im still there as a back-up?

•Its not working out with the new guy and she wants to keep her options open?

•Is she interested in perhaps getting back together?

•Mess with me cus i hurt her?

 

Please help me out about what to do now, i feel really hurt again. I guess i stupidly got my hopes up. I know 3 weeks NC is too soon and i should not have responded like i did.

[radiodarcy]

i honestly wouldn't read too much into her motivations. maybe she was just missing you and wanted to reach out; maybe it was a combination of the possibilities you mentioned. but at any rate, she didn't say anything about getting together so just leave it be and stick to NC. the more you try to speculate as to actions the more you going to drive yourself crazy.

 

dumpers reach out for a variety of reasons; most of which are selfish but can be very cruel for the dumpee to endure. trying to understand why they do this is pointless. it's just like the phenomenon where killer whales callously toss sea lion pups into the air until they die - - scientists can't explain a reason for this cruelty, the whales simply do it because they do it. same thing goes for dumpees who reach out and give the dumpers false hope when all they wanted to do is say "hi". even the dumpee can't justify their actions. they did it because they felt like it. this is why it is advised to ignore bread crumb texts and IMs. unless she comes at you with something more substantial like "i've been thinking and i really want to talk about getting together", ignore all contact from her.

[DeadlyAvenger]

Just a quick update, she text me very early yesterday morning (thurs) almost immediately after i posted this thread! Wierd huh!

 

Anyway her text related to some good news i relayed on my MSN status,

"Morning Mr One number away from a million LOLLLLLL. Does that mean you won 0000's instead!?"

 

So this text obviously wasnt a reply to the text i sent 5 days ago. i havent replied yet, its been 24 hours. What should i do? Friends are saying make her wait as she made me wait! And if i text back should i text back with a cool/cold reply? Or should i carry on NC?

 

Part of me really wants to reply and not make her wait and not play games.

[Rose T]

DeadlyAvenger, I wouldn't want to get your hopes up too much, but I think that she might have broken up with the guy (or having problems with him) and wants to see if you're around / available / interested. Now if she's broken up then that's potentially good, if she's in a grey zone you need to tread very carefully, to look after your own heart as much as anything.

 

Why do I think she might have broken up with the guy? Well, the stuff she sent in May was already a bit loaded - why go on about how great your new guy is to an ex, if you are really living the dream? Anyone who's busy communicating about their relationship and doing a PR job always has, IMO, one foot outside that relationship.

 

She obviously knows her dating stuff and the power of NC - when she instigated it in May, it was to make you really feel her loss. The fact that she's back in touch means one thing - she misses you. Now, it's your job to find out whether she's interested in dating or if she's looking for an ego-stroke, as I said before.

 

But I do think she's spelling things out for you. She said she had the "whole weekend free". It's a bit like waving a large card with the words "SINGLE AGAIN" on it. Keep texting and why don't you see where it goes?

 

Your timing's been really off so far but this time round you both might be free and available at the same time. I really hope so! Good luck.

[DeadlyAvenger]

Thanks your replies radiodarcy & roseT

 

RoseT - how exactly do i find out if she's interested in dating or if she's looking for an ego-stroke??

 

(btw im not sure if the "whole weekend free" thing was related to her not having any work related stuff to do, but you may have a point)

 

Some friends are saying its been a day since she text which is long enough, and i should reply back now. Is this wise?? (Incidently i was thinking with a witty carefree comment, i.e. "that would be telling ;)" or "mind your own business ;)" )

 

Another friend is saying make her wait the same amount of time (4-5 days) and that she might just be trying to friend-zone me. And that if i reply too soon it shows shes got me at her beck and call.

 

Im really really confused as what to do now!!! Should i reply and if so when & what?? RoseT your right, my timings been really off with this whole thing so far.

 

I really dont like playing games but i want the best outcome which is is for us to work things out.

[Rose T]

Well, I understand you don't want to blow too hot or be inappropriate, but I think waiting 4-5 days between texts will just drive you crazy.

 

You know this person. You dated. You're interested, and you want to find out if she is.

 

It's actually quite easy, you text back, and at some point during the conversation you need to probe to find out if she's dating or interested in seeing you. Maybe if you're texting a bit back and forth you could finally call her for a chat.

 

The hard bit? You are going to have to put yourself out there to discover the scenario. This may well involve actually asking her about her intentions (in the most non-pressuring way possible, but have the conversation about her status / interest.)

 

IMO, it's a bit too late for playing it cool and it's a bit pointless. At this rate, you'll waste another 6 weeks just finding out how she's been if the text messages go at a 4-5 day intervals LOL. I'm not saying you should scare her off, but you need to communicate, which means not playing waiting games. You are interested, there's nothing wrong with that and in fact there is a power in saying you like someone. There's a vulnerability too but honour to the brave.

 

The best part about going for it and asking her what's going on is that you can a) get a date or b) get closure. You need to be disciplined young jedi and be prepared both to make yourself vulnerable and to walk away - for good this time - if you don't like what you hear. Maybe it's time to ask her what's going on? Actually, you know, you could just say, 'Nice to hear from you again btw, I wasn't expecting this. So what's going on with you?' or something that suits your communication style. She'll know exactly what you mean. If she can't give you a straight answer, that speaks volumes. Personally, I hate dealing with important stuff via text and would prefer a face to face or at least a phonecall, but you have to judge if you can set that up.

[Asystole]

Maybe it's time to ask her what's going on? Actually, you know, you could just say, 'Nice to hear from you again btw, I wasn't expecting this. So what's going on with you?' or something that suits your communication style. She'll know exactly what you mean. If she can't give you a straight answer, that speaks volumes.

 

Totally agree here. Also, Rose, if she doesn't give a straight answer what do you think that says?

[Rose T]

I think if you don't get a straight answer then you have your answer. If someone's interested in seeing you, they'll let you know, even in a roundabout way.

 

You can hoover up all the crumbs you like but at the end of the day, the only sign that a relationship is moving forward is communication that they want to see you soon. All the rest is smoke and mirrors, in my opinion.